To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

Wow, your family dynamic is pretty fucked up. I hope the scales have fallen for you so that you can distance yourself from it all.

That backstory did turn out to be more involved than you initially let on, but your sister has behaved very selfishly all the same. As a PP asked, is there a religious or cultural dimension to this situation?

A whole hen night and wedding was planned, booked and paid for, behind your Dad’s back? And the plan was that he wouldn’t have been invited?

@beastlyslumber

It's so interesting when people defend mistreatment by family towards the family scapegoat. It really reflects how powerless and humiliated the scapegoat is, because not only is it considered fine and normal within the family, but it is also supported by many people outside the family. Their reaction to the existence of a scapegoat is to suppose the scapegoat must deserve their mistreatment in some way. Because 'normal' families love each other, so if there isn't love towards one person in a family, it must be that person's fault, right? Can't be that the family is wrong, because families are good.

So scapegoats, especially as children, are constantly traumatised by their family, and when they seek support in the rest of the world, they are re-traumatised by others who are instinctively drawn to the abusive position in family dynamics.

It must be very threatening for some people to confront the idea that families can be unloving, cruel, discriminatory, shaming, hurtful, and worse. Maybe their own family was very good at maintaining a superficial appearance of being loving and wonderful, and anything that deviated from that was a source of shame and blame for the victim. If you were punished or threatened with punishment for noticing bad behaviour within your own family, you are probably quite highly motivated not to see it in other people's families.

OP I think that you have been badly treated by your family and I would be very surprised if you don't have C-PTSD from your experiences of family trauma, let alone your injury and disability. You may not have been perfect or behaved ideally, either (no one is perfect and traumatised people do not always handle situations well), but being left out of your sister's celebrations in the way you were is extremely cruel. I would focus on your own healing and go low contact with people in your family while you do so.

In future, my suggestion would be to post in relationships and not on aibu, as you get some very unimaginative and inexperienced people commenting on here.

Very good post @beastlyslumber completely agree with this

But what's her reason for leaving you out so blatantly in front of everyone? Is there more to this?

Well OP, you are upset that a hen party was kept from you but you colluded in keeping a WEDDING from your Dad.
Not that I blame you for that - you were pressurised or manipulated into doing so. I don’t know why they were keeping it from your Dad - was he likely to kick off at the wedding?
Anyway, regardless of why, there is clearly a whole dynamic of secret-keeping and shunning in your family - you are not the only victim here.
Perhaps it’s time to put your big-girl pants on and accept that your family is just plain nuts. You’re an adult. Time to become much less enmeshed with the drama and move forward into your own adult life.
I mean this nicely. Don’t take it personally, it clearly is not just you. But definitely it’s time to step away!

This update makes it even more bizarre.

Why do you keep saying ‘family jury’ like it’s an actual thing?

Why was your dad being excluded from the wedding okay for you, but not you from the hen?

I feel as if there are some really complicated boundaries/ideas of relationships going on here.

Why do you keep saying "family jury".? I've never heard anyone say that before. It's a strange term

I’m sorry that you are having a hard time op.
This sounds like my family. For years I said nothing and just watched while they left me out. I never asked why.
My family have made my friendships more important to me because my friends are my sisters.

By the way op your update makes it all sound even more bizarre specifically meaning that your family’s dynamic sounds even more toxic with esspecially your mother playing a strange part in it, almost like some sort of spider in the middle of the web controlling everything.

So you are fully aware there's a family dynamic of hiding things from people, rather than deal with the issue.

You went along with that when you dad was on the receiving end. Then when you were on the receiving end, you kicked up such a fuss your dad found out that yiu had all been keeping g the wedding from him.

And that fuss and making sure your dad found out, is the reason you were uni tied to the wedding.

The reason you weren't invited to the hen party, was because your gamely just hide things they do t eat to discuss.

It all sounds really messed up. But I can see why your sister uninvited you to the wedding.

I also think it's off, you went along with excluding your dad and it I ly became an issue when you were excluded.

Sounds like a family who don't have healthy relationships with eachother and that includes you.

Take some space, see how you feel in a few weeks.

I think there might be a cultural type issue here. I could be wrong, but this strange sibling/family jury/father dynamic is giving me vibes that there's more going on behind the scenes.

The bride sounds like a horror show but there's clearly a lot of weird things going on. OP it does sound like you had a sense of entitlement, your sibling didn't need to consult you over anything - I'm hoping your use of the word in this context is a bit wonky because it does imply you felt like you had a right to be involved in the planning which obviously you didn't. The secrecy element is unacceptable though, whichever way you look at it. I also don't think you going to the so-called family jury was sensible if you wanted to resolve this at any point as it just makes you seem like a gossip.

I'd bet my bottom dollar there's a lot more to this story and no one involved has covered themselves in glory.

*Dad only found out my sister was even in a relationship or getting married after I consulted the family jury about what to do (I was so confused and upset by how messed up things felt). It's not like I spoke to the family jury behind my siblings back - I told them I was doing it because we needed someone other than just mum overseeing things because I was fed up of the secrecy, especially since I got the butt end of it for the hen party too.

Dad has high standards and expectations of the family, however he has a caring heart and means well. My mum assumed Dad just wouldn't approve of my sister's groom, so it was best he just didn't know 'to prevent arguments or drama'. Even I went along with this in the name of 'keeping the peace'. I felt I was doing the right thing, because I was fed that Dad wouldn't cope, he'd be upset, it would be bad for his health, etc. etc. etc. So, I thought I was protecting him.

When I found out about the hen party I felt like my siblings were treating me like they were treating Dad - and I knew how that felt. Like I said, I don't know what my siblings and mum have been saying about me to others, but I have a good idea based on what they said about Dad behind his back.

My siblings did feel a bit pressured to have a face-to-face chat with Dad to tell him what was happening after I spoke to the family jury. From what Dad tells me he was shocked, but he readjusted and he found out in time to attend the wedding. My siblings resent me for being the catalyst for getting the truth out because in their view "it wasn't your place to tell, it was your sister's business", but it had a good outcome for Dad so I'm not exactly sorry for being the Family Whistleblower.*

Right, OK. This makes more sense now. It was absolutely not your place to tell your dad something about your sister which she chose not to tell him. The fact that it had a good outcome for your dad is absolutely irrelevant and pays no attention to whether it had a good outcome for your sister. If you have form for not respecting people's decisions, as you did here, then it is entirely reasonable not to tell you about future plans - such as the hen do. Your sister might have feared that you would also ignore her views in this regard and tell your dad - which might prompt unwelcome interference. If you can't respect people's decisions about who to share what information with, you can't expect to be party to all information. I think you've behaved very, very badly here and I would also not trust you any more. I guess the rift might be able to heal if you can show that you have learnt a lesson and plan to act more respectfully in the future.

@diddl

"Sounds like she really didn't want your father there though, so I'm not surprised that your sister has estranged herself from you, if you went behind her back and told her dad about the wedding just to spite her for the hen party snub."*

Sadly that makes sense.

Yes, maybe that is how my sister sees it. But it's more complicated than that. I didn't feel comfortable keeping secrets from Dad anymore - the hen party opened my heart and eyes to how that kind of secrecy pact feels when it all comes out, it feels like a betrayal of trust and worse because of better expectations from one's own family. Like, it's not exactly a fair position for me to be in either. Dad would have found out at some point and would have been heart broken that no one in his own family said anything to him - it would have been worse than me finding out about the hen party exclusion. Why should I have that on my conscience? So, instead of telling Dad directly (because the whole idea of him not coping had been drummed into me), I sought a middle-ground by consulting a family jury to find the best way forwards - it just felt things had gone too far.

Also, my parents are not divorced or separated. My best friend thinks my mum keeping secrets couldn't have been healthy for their marriage either.

@NdujaWannaDance There is a cultural dynamic that meant my siblings and mum didn't want to include Dad, but Dad is not the monster that they made him out to be. My Dad has high standards and expectations, which over the years he's proved to be negotiable on (he's actually very caring and means well). It's obvious from the wedding photos that my Dad was actually ok once he was in the loop (wedding was mostly attended by the groom's side, but it was a good outcome that my Dad managed to attend and they all look happy, Dad included). Now they're all happy families.

My brother has admitted that Dad did eventually need to be told, so I had done them all a favour in the long run. However, they don't like the fact I was the one who was the Family Whistleblower. So, I'm estranged now. I guess they might feel they can't trust me with secrets anymore.

Hmmmm OP, I'm now leaning the other way with your update

You say (regarding keeping a secret from your Dad Like, it's not exactly a fair position for me to be in either.
But you were ok being in that position before it was done to you? So it does seem a bit tit for tat and I can understand why your sister probably perceived it that way.

To be honest the whole dynamic seems super unhealthy so perhaps some distance from it all isn't the worst thing.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee see above.

The hen party exclusion gave me a revelation of empathy for Dad.

It was too big to keep secret anymore.

Obviously, I didn't have form for "telling" otherwise I wouldn't have been in the loop at all etc.

I can appreciate that I won't be trusted with secrets by my siblings and mum anymore. However, I think you can't run a healthy family dynamic if everyone is colluding with lies and secrets. That's how I feel family dynamics become toxic.

But OP this is not just about how you feel. Your sister feels differently. The situation is therefore very complex and I don't envy your position in this but this does not give you carte blanche to decide to share other people's news. I truly don't wish to be harsh but if you did this to me I would never tell you anything which I was not also telling your dad. It is not reasonable for you to be kept fully informed if you have decided that it is up to you to decide when to share other's secrets. Whether the family jury can see that or not is irrelevant. You also can't have a healthy family dynamic if you diregard the wishes of your sister. Much as you want to make this a simple issue in which you are the victim, it's not and you are not the only victim.

So are you saying that after you spilled the beans to your dad, you were then not invited to the hen party? if so, I think you know that the reason you were not invited was not just because your sister was being mean. Why, in that situation, would you expect to be invited?

So you went along with your dad being excluded, until you were excluded yourself. Then you exacted revenge on your sister by telling him about the wedding.

This entire situation is beyond odd, but Jeeeze, your behaviour was spiteful. No wonder you were uninvited from the wedding. I suspect you'd have had a lot less sympathy if you'd put this information in your OP.

The hen party exclusion gave me a revelation of empathy for Dad

Yeah, right. Sorry but I think this was pure revenge.

But yes, sure, it's possible that I'm projecting my own experiences on to the OP. However, I think there's really very little evidence to suggest that this is a case of deserved ill-treatment of OP by the family. No one has been able to give any evidence for the 'other side' except for their feeling/suspicion that this can't possibly be the whole story. The repeated assertion that this "can't be the whole story" and "we need to hear the other side" does not add up to evidence or reason to doubt the OP's version of events.

And do you still feel like this now we know that the OP, in a fit of pique over the hen party, went behind her sister's back and told her father about the wedding, that the sister for whatever reasons of her own, wanted kept a secret?

Earlier she said:

I had been speaking with the family jury between my sister putting the phone down on me and her text cancelling my invite.

and then just now she said:

I didn't want to go into this because I feel it deserves a thread of its own and would just complicate this one, but Dad only found out my sister was even in a relationship or getting married after I consulted the family jury about what to do

Which throws a bit more light on the whole thing. It doesn't 'complicate' this thread at all. On the contrary, it brings into quite sharp focus exactly why the OP was disinvited from her sister's wedding, I'd say.

No one has been able to give any evidence for the 'other side' except for their feeling/suspicion that this can't possibly be the whole story.

You were right that it was just a feeling or a suspicion on may part.

Turns out there was more to it, after all.

The OP was happy enough to see her father kept in the dark about the wedding, knowing he'd find out and be hurt later on, but she had a tantrum when she herself was kept in the dark about the hen night, and found out about it afterwards. So her answer was to throw her sister under a bus by telling the Dad.

No-one is coming across as better than anyone else in any of this.

didn't feel comfortable keeping secrets from Dad anymore - the hen party opened my heart and eyes to how that kind of secrecy pact feels when it all comes out, it feels like a betrayal of trust and worse because of better expectations from one's own family. Like, it's not exactly a fair position for me to be in either. Dad would have found out at some point and would have been heart broken that no one in his own family said anything to him - it would have been worse than me finding out about the hen party exclusion. Why should I have that on my conscience? So, instead of telling Dad directly (because the whole idea of him not coping had been drummed into me), I sought a middle-ground by consulting a family jury to find the best way forwards - it just felt things had gone too far.

So you engineered a situation where you Dad had to be told. But not directly by you, because after going along with it.....you decided he needed to know.

But only once you had been excluded. Sounds like you did this to just get back k at them all. Included the whole family in your games.

Makes me believe the 'we have been getting on' doesn't imply there's been issues in the past.

I very much doubt, that you are innocent in the rest of this and its simply unhealthy.

OMG. The OP told her dad what was going on after she found out she'd already been excluded from the hen party. Isn't it fair enough in those circumstances, to think 'this is fucked up, let's get it out in the open'?

There are some really unpleasant gaslighty, disablist attitudes on this thread. People do not have to roll over and concede to being treated as if they don't matter. Why the hell shouldn't OP bring it all out on the open if no-one will give her the courtesy of being honest with her and her dad?

Is there a backstory? And why would your dad not have coped with the groom?

It sounds like this is more complex

So are you saying that after you spilled the beans to your dad, you were then not invited to the hen party?

My understanding was that she spilled the beans to her dad after being snubbed over the hen party, which resulted in her sister disinviting her from the wedding.

It still seems unmind and unfair that she was excluded from the hen party, but at this point I am not making any assumptions that the OP is any more of an angel than her her sister is.

@BitterTits

OMG. The OP told her dad what was going on after she found out she'd already been excluded from the hen party. Isn't it fair enough in those circumstances, to think 'this is fucked up, let's get it out in the open'?

There are some really unpleasant gaslighty, disablist attitudes on this thread. People do not have to roll over and concede to being treated as if they don't matter. Why the hell shouldn't OP bring it all out on the open if no-one will give her the courtesy of being honest with her and her dad?

Except she didn't. She created a situation where he found out but she didn't have to tell him and get it out in the open.

And yes, participating in excluding someone, then deciding its not ok when she is excluded to, is shitty behaviour.

You don't have to be excluded to know it's not a nice feeling. Op knew her father was excluded, was going along with it and wanted to attend the wedding. She was actively excluding him to.

"The hen party exclusion gave me a revelation of empathy for Dad"

Oh come on!

Well if it took it happening to you to realise that planning a wedding without your Dad knowing isn't usual that really is a whole other thread!

And if he had disapproved of the groom-so what/what then?