Every man I meet only want me for sex?

[Lonely342]

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

• A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.

• Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.

We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him

• Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.

Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

@Comedycook

Personally I think that if you're a man in your forties/fifties with an ex wife and kids and want to date much younger women you need to be reasonably well off, good looking and still have some swagger...

You put your profile online, and the women message you, especially with sites like Bumble or Tinder.

Male repertoire usually consists of Hi and you are so beautiful.
I think some men struggle to string a sentence together.
Some are really bad liars eg pretending to be sports agents or worst still airline pilots etc. Female friends and I used to compare stories.

I think many men see women as less than human.

I looked at a video online by terry crews (American actor).

He said that men see women as "not all the way human"

"Out of curiosity- has anyone ever gone to a man’s house for a “date” where his intentions have actually been completely innocent, and he hasn’t pushed for sex?"

In answer to the OP....yes, I had this experience with my very lovely bloke. He doesn't like to rush and was happy to develop a friendship first, and under the circumstances we were both happy to hang out quietly at home rather than going out. So there are still some decent men out there.

Also, I met him on a dating app, AND we texted for ages before we met up, which according to PP is no good you really can't apply those "rules" to every single situation.

That said there are a lot of creeps out there, as you've discovered. I think you're doing a great job at having boundaries, I was the same with the men that started in with comments that were a little too personal.

It's shit bit keep trying and sometimes patience with a man who seems slow off the mark can pay off

Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material

How do you explain men who are overweight, no job, acting like this!!!

When I was dating, I had a regular job owned my house, and was average height and thin. I also have my own teeth and hair.

The men who were chancers, lived at home, no regular job, some did not have their own teeth and were bald. I was 30. Do you think I was punching above my weight!!!!!

@user1471554720

Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material

How do you explain men who are overweight, no job, acting like this!!!

When I was dating, I had a regular job owned my house, and was average height and thin. I also have my own teeth and hair.

The men who were chancers, lived at home, no regular job, some did not have their own teeth and were bald. I was 30. Do you think I was punching above my weight!!!!!

I tend to think that if the chancers are doing it then it must be working for them to some extent. So we have to stop encouraging it and try to raise standards and make it clear that our expectations are higher.

@Mofomo

Do daughters get encouraged to play the field

I'm sure many do. Probably not put that way but same sentiment.

Stick to your boundaries OP. You’ll find someone!
Could you take a break from ‘actively’ looking? Apparently that’s when you’re likely to meet the good eggs!

I think online dating and porn have made too many men lazy and entitled.

It is almost like they think meeting women is like ordering from Amazon or a take-away pizza...

You are doing nothing wrong and it is best to just block the creeps and not give them a second thought.

Porn is shocking for our brains. I'm a woman.

I didn't watch porn for a long time. Then I spent about a year watching porn. Just kind of fell into it.

I think even I began to look at women differently after watching porn. I can't really explain it but I began to see other women as a bit worth less, a bit inferior and a bit as sexual objects.

it felt like porn kind of invaded my brain and rotted my brain

Op, none of this is your fault. But if you want to weed out guys like this a bit earlier - and use your behaviour to signal from the start that you're a high-status woman, not a short-term bet - read and do The Rules.

@Mufasa1118 that's interesting. I find on here that a lot of the stories and incidents people recount show their menfolk don't see them as equal humans; even just stuff around prioritizing men's hobbies as a household, let alone in the Relationships section.

Don'tblameme

"I tend to think that if the chancers are doing it then it must be working for them to some extent. So we have to stop encouraging it and try to raise standards and make it clear that our expectations are higher."

This x1000

You poor thing. I only dated for 7 months at 28 between long term relationships and met some absolute arseholes. Mostly through online dating where you expect it but like you also through friend of a friend or actually at an airport. All wanted sex quite quickly but most were at least willing by to go for a drink or dinner first.

My advice is not to message for too long. Get them to agree a date and don't text too much. It gives them license to say stuff they'd never have the balls to say to your face. Sorry this has been your experience but you're not alone. I did meet a great one by the way.

Lonlydomassiveone, apologies, I didn't miss the point of your post, I was just pointing out casually we encourage boys/men to play the field and not women,

Also going to a strangers house should not be normalised. It is really dangerous. There's no way in he'll I'd go to someone's house if I hadn't at least spent a few hours talking to them in a public place and even then it's still risky.

I have found the same. Went on a dating app and came off it after 72 hrs - almost felt harassed in my own home. I don't know what the answer is, tbh. But yeah, it's a thing.

@Tomlettegregg

Also going to a strangers house should not be normalised. It is really dangerous. There's no way in he'll I'd go to someone's house if I hadn't at least spent a few hours talking to them in a public place and even then it's still risky.

This.

I mean I was a 90's kid and all we were ever taught is don't meet strangers off the internet, I mean it was hammered in to us. The days of MSN messenger lol

Now everyone's meeting strangers off the internet 🤣

But if you are follow safe guidelines, always meet in a public place first.

No way would I just go to a random serial killers man's house who I had never met before 😳

I even say back to them, "imagine you are a woman, would you go to a strangers house, would you let your sister, your mother?" They then seem to "get it" then.

@Mufasa1118 makes a very good point.

You could say that OLD is saving women from wasting months or years with the wrong person!

In my 20s, before internet porn and Tinder, almost everyone was coupled up in long-term relationships, but it was mainly because the men needed a sexual companion. When they were ready to settle down though, almost everyone split up and moved on to someone else.

I'm wondering if the younger men currently seeking multiple dates for sex will actually make better long term partners in the long run, as they've got it out of their system.

I had three long term relationships in my 20s, but I also had three affairs. By the time I met my now DH at 30 I was ready to settle and I've been faithful for 20 years.

I'm wondering if the younger men currently seeking multiple dates for sex will actually make better long term partners in the long run, as they've got it out of their system.

Judging by the amount of single, childless, no previous relationship history men in their 40's on OLD currently I'd guess the answer to that is no.

That sounds so awful OP! I’m not surprised you cried. I did online dating and had lots of dates and never had men come on to me in this way, so it’s not all men! Maybe you’ve just run into a few bad ones, or maybe your radar is a bit wonky so you’re not weeding out the creeps. Could you enlist a friend to help you by filtering your online dating choices for you? I often have friends send me screen shots and I feel like I can tell pretty instantly whether they should continue to chat to someone or not. Maybe enlist a friend with good spidey senses?

There are good guys out there OP!

An acquaintance of mine split up with a long term partner last year, had a great experience of OLD, has now met a new long term partner and has even managed to stay friends with the many of the dates that didn't lead to anything else!

To be blunt, she's not what I'd call a looker or particularly slim, but she's a really nice person and runs her own successful business.

She said her solution to weeding out the inappropriate ones was to always have a video call first. She said you'd be amazed how many guys who seemed so nice in their profiles and messages revealed themselves to be real creeps in the video calls!