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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every man I meet only want me for sex?

172 replies

Lonely342 · 27/12/2021 11:29

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself SadSad

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

  • A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.
  • Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.
We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him
  • Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.
Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying Blush Sad

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen Sad Sad

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Heshcher · 27/12/2021 11:40

I’m a couple of years older than you but in exactly the same position. I want to find a relationship, love, marriage and children. But men my age think they still have ages left to play the field before settling down. Older men (mid to late 30s) either want to continue playing the field or they’re divorced and they want marriage again but they’ve already got dc and don’t want anymore. I’ve had an appointment at a fertility clinic and I’m looking for the right sperm donor to do it myself. I felt so much more relaxed about dating and meeting people after I booked the appointment. I recommend doing the same op.

3scape · 27/12/2021 11:45

They sound awful. Stick to your boundaries.

GaolBhoAlba · 27/12/2021 11:49

I think you've just been unlucky, and encountered a succession of creeps! Its not you, its them - keep that in mind, and dont allow it to affect your self esteem.

Aprilx · 27/12/2021 11:51

I think you have been unlucky too, it sounds most unusual, bizarre even. I’d maybe not get into texting men that are mere acquaintances again, but really can’t see that this is anything but a run of bad luck. Many men want to meet somebody and have a relationship too.

Mermaidwaves · 27/12/2021 11:52

This has been my experience too OP. I tried OLD last year and none of the men wanted to date, they all wanted to just meet up at their house for sex, despite saying they were looking for relationships on their profiles. It's very depressing that these are men you met in real life too as I'm hoping that would be different.

You did well to recognise what they're after early on, I was more naive than you and found out the hard way. Unfortunately Covid has made it much easier for these men to try and get out of taking us on proper dates, I will be watching this thread with interest.

Isitsixoclockalready · 27/12/2021 11:53

@Lonely342

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself SadSad

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

  • A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.
  • Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.
We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him
  • Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.
Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying Blush Sad

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen Sad Sad

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

It's not normal but it sounds all too common unfortunately.
Veeveeoxox · 27/12/2021 11:53

There's nothing wrong with you there's just loads of creeps keep stick to your guns and keep blocking them.

FairFuming · 27/12/2021 11:54

I'm 30 too and just starting to try date again as well after almost a decade and my god I can relate. I thought it was maybe because I already have kids and I'm not sure I want more. I've had several 'friends' I've had for years come out the Wood work and try to sleep with me or send unprovoked sexual messages. When I tried online dating I had an onslaught of thirsty guys who thought MILF was a fucking compliment. I honestly think I'd rather stay single then deal with this bullshit.

TheVolturi · 27/12/2021 11:55

Men can be real creeps! You will find a good one op just stick to your morals.

CornishTiger · 27/12/2021 11:56

You have boundaries. Stick to them and don’t weaken.

What was this guy like before the message last night. You could tell him you are interested in dating?

GreenestValley · 27/12/2021 11:57

Really sorry to hear this OP. All you can do is keep at it and try to remember there are decent respectful men out there. I don’t think it’s because of your choices, it’s not like you’ve met these men on Tinder where perhaps you’d expect more of this behaviour (not that that makes it ok). Don’t let it get you down, someone good will come along soon,

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 11:57

Uck, no YANBU, how utterly depressing. My experience of men and dating was very different but it was 20-30 years ago. I would hope that what you describe isnt normal but tbh there have been pick up artists around for a long time.

whateverintheworld · 27/12/2021 11:58

These guys sound dicks! I think I would make very clear upfront that you are looking for a relationship. If they are scared off by that so be it but at least you don’t waste your time. I’m so sorry this is happening to you - it’s horrid behaviour and I don’t know when it became acceptable

Lightstoobright · 27/12/2021 12:03

Sounds depressing.
On the other hand I am not against sex being up front and centre even from the start if both ppl are up for it. My ex and I had sex on our first date and we were together for ages. We are still great friends and only broke up because he wants to have kids. Usually I am the first person to bring sex into the conversation and it can happen very quickly. I like men that are very sexual as long as there's no other red flags. I don't think I am a creep, but obvious it needs to be welcomed from the other side.

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 12:07

Talking sex to people you barely know is very creepy behaviour though @Lightstoobright unless it is really clear that they are up for it too.

CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 12:10

First of all let me say OP that this is nothing to do with you, it is all on them.

I experienced this a lot when I was divorced and dating at 30ish and it's a real pain. I found that when men got nearer to 40 they were generally not such testosterone-filled sex-pests.

In the meantime do not lower your standards and flush, block , delete those who don't make the grade.

You deserve better than some guy who behaves like some adolescent who just follows hid dick around.

Stay strong ! Flowers

CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 12:10

*his

TerraNovaTwo · 27/12/2021 12:16

when men got nearer to 40 they were generally not such testosterone-filled sex-pests.

That's not always the case - I've encountered more than one sex pest who is 40+

Itseemslike · 27/12/2021 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FlowerFlour · 27/12/2021 12:17

It's not you, it's them; they are creeps.

Lots of men are like this nowadays though. I don't know if it's the widespread availability of online porn or Tinder culture, but men seem to speak to women less like they're trying to get to know her as a person and more like they are negotiating terms with a prostitute.

At least these men being so creepy upfront means you can put them straight in the bin without wasting anymore time on them.

Maybe avoid texting men too much. Texting is low effort, a man can do it for free in his spare moments to multiple women, so it's attractive to chancers. Try to build a real life rapport first.

Greengate66 · 27/12/2021 12:18

You sound lovely OP, good for you for knowing what your boundaries are and sticking to them. I've been OLD for nearly a year, I'd say 90% of the men I've spoken to have been sex pests who see women as dial-a-pizza like sex toys, expecting us to turn up at their house at their convenience. One guy I'd seen a couple of times, who only came to my house for sex - no dates, no flowers - complained he was the one making all the effort!
It's like nobody's ever taught them how to romance a woman or even see women as equal human beings.
I think it has got much, much worse in the last 5-10 years. The men I've met have been outwardly normal but turn out to have terrible concepts of women and relationships.
It's definitely not you, it's them.
Good luck

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 12:18

I have experienced this too.
It is selfishness, and greed on the man's part. But it also makes sense. You need to put yourself in mens shoes to understand it

You are a man, you are bringing a beautiful woman out on a date, what do you ultimately want? You want to have sex with her. That is what you want the most.

So when many men ask women out they push for what THEY want, which is sex.

It's what they want, so they are going to try to get it.
They wouldn't think at all about what the woman wants.

These men want sex with a lot of women, and they generally see women as bodies.

Be happy by yourself! Join lots of activities (online dating is the worst) if you are happy by yourself that is the best time to meet someone

MintJulia · 27/12/2021 12:18

Keep blocking and moving on OP. There is nothing wrong with you, there are just a lot of creeps around who aren't worth the space they stand up in.

Keep looking for someone lovely Smile

Fairyliz · 27/12/2021 12:19

DD (27) and her friends of the same age say exactly the same thing. Young men nowadays aren’t interested in a relationship just looking for sex.
I blame porn. Not sure what the answer is.

Usernamecreated · 27/12/2021 12:19

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Are you a man?