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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every man I meet only want me for sex?

172 replies

Lonely342 · 27/12/2021 11:29

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself SadSad

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

  • A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.
  • Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.
We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him
  • Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.
Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying Blush Sad

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen Sad Sad

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
shellylongbottom · 28/12/2021 10:11

It sucks but AT LEAST you have the boundaries to assert yourself.

Nobody took advantage of you - ie. had sex then let you down/ghosted after, which is truly disgusting. You weren't misled but I totally understand the hopeless

These men just want a casual thing. No reflection on you (as I say, it's different if men are straight up using your body, sounds like these ones would do similar to any woman)

shellylongbottom · 28/12/2021 10:16

[quote Flobbertybillop]@Itseemslike what the fucking fuck?
Leagues are bullshit, and what a horrible thing to say to someone that’s clearly distressed.
Op, men a seem for the most part to be knobs, who think with their knobs. Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job of valuing yourself, holding boundaries and spotting creeps. The right one will come along.[/quote]
To be fair, sometimes confident type men target women will low self esteem as use them - speaking from experience as a teen where a popular guy approaches you and you wonder why... then soon find out.

but it doesn't sound like the case her at all. The men are sleazy but not liars. Op sounds well rounded with good boundaries too

montysma1 · 28/12/2021 10:17

🙄

shellylongbottom · 28/12/2021 10:24

@montysma1

🙄
Hmm
Ticksallboxes · 28/12/2021 10:39

I'm so sorry OP - this makes for really depressing reading, but I think IMO it may be economically driven, as it seems so common from what other PPs have said.

Many people, post lockdown, have a lot less income, so previously these types of men would have gone on a few dates with you, pretended to be really interested in what you had to say etc, made you feel good about yourself, finally had sex with you a few times then, as you probably didn't have enough in common and it wasn't the right time for a relationship, they would have ended things and moved on to the next, repeating this pattern until they were ready to settle (and by settle I mean picking the first woman who comes along at the time who sort of ticks enough boxes).

With less money now though, they're can't afford the grooming stage so have got used to just brutally asking for sex!

That's my opinion anyway (a long married middle aged mum at that!).

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 11:01

It is just bad luck. They are not all like that. The only way forward is not to pay much attention to these pigs. Block and move on.

Ticksallboxes · 28/12/2021 11:18

Just to point out my username has nothing to do with my previous comment!

I picked that name ages ago from a random quote.

liveforsummer · 28/12/2021 11:20

@Ticksallboxes

I'm so sorry OP - this makes for really depressing reading, but I think IMO it may be economically driven, as it seems so common from what other PPs have said.

Many people, post lockdown, have a lot less income, so previously these types of men would have gone on a few dates with you, pretended to be really interested in what you had to say etc, made you feel good about yourself, finally had sex with you a few times then, as you probably didn't have enough in common and it wasn't the right time for a relationship, they would have ended things and moved on to the next, repeating this pattern until they were ready to settle (and by settle I mean picking the first woman who comes along at the time who sort of ticks enough boxes).

With less money now though, they're can't afford the grooming stage so have got used to just brutally asking for sex!

That's my opinion anyway (a long married middle aged mum at that!).

The theory might explain why some men have become even more direct however unfortunately it's been a thing for far longer than the pandemic
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 28/12/2021 11:26

@Ticksallboxes

I'm so sorry OP - this makes for really depressing reading, but I think IMO it may be economically driven, as it seems so common from what other PPs have said.

Many people, post lockdown, have a lot less income, so previously these types of men would have gone on a few dates with you, pretended to be really interested in what you had to say etc, made you feel good about yourself, finally had sex with you a few times then, as you probably didn't have enough in common and it wasn't the right time for a relationship, they would have ended things and moved on to the next, repeating this pattern until they were ready to settle (and by settle I mean picking the first woman who comes along at the time who sort of ticks enough boxes).

With less money now though, they're can't afford the grooming stage so have got used to just brutally asking for sex!

That's my opinion anyway (a long married middle aged mum at that!).

I think everyone is overthinking the situation. Men are behaving this way quite simply because women are meeting them for causal sex. If they ask 10, a number will say yes, and on it goes. It just becomes the default behavior.

We're in a situation whereby via, messaging-social media people are meeting for sex, whether they are single, married, or other.
Sex is just another commodity.

I'm not saying it's right, it's what is happening.

FlowerFlour · 28/12/2021 11:28

@liveforsummer

Out of interest I've just had a look on POF at the early 40's age range. Every single man I clicked on didn't have but wanted kids. 10-15 years ago I'd think that situation was pretty rare so the tactics clearly aren't working out for these blokes and they've got to 40, panicked but have no actual clue how to get it so continue in desperation with their sex talk as it's all they know.
Sadly I think it's a little more mercenary than that.

They say they want kids because they know the majority of the women they're aiming at want children. They are trying to appeal to the widest possible market. They don't actually want children, no more than a pie-in-the-sky 'maybe one day, let's see how it goes, look at this picture of my cock...' way.

liveforsummer · 28/12/2021 11:31

@FlowerFlour but these men are in they 40's sometimes closer to 50. A huge majority of people they will meet will already have kids and quite possibly not want more. For me for instance I have that clearly on my profile so they're is no need for pretence. Perhaps they are after significantly younger women like the OP but I'd say that's pretty unrealistic of them

FlowerFlour · 28/12/2021 12:03

@liveforsummer Men being unrealistic is what this whole thread is about! Have you seen the other current thread where an OP's 80 year old, recently widowed, father is searching dating sites for a woman 20 years younger than him?

Most women are like you; you have what you actually want on your profile so you can attract a man who wants the same things as you. Most men aim for the widest possible pool of women so they don't put anything in their profile that might limit their options.

Tinder changed its algorithm because men were swiping 'yes' on every woman without even looking at her picture. It's a drag net approach to online dating; they don't care who they haul in.

Comedycook · 28/12/2021 12:10

[quote liveforsummer]@FlowerFlour but these men are in they 40's sometimes closer to 50. A huge majority of people they will meet will already have kids and quite possibly not want more. For me for instance I have that clearly on my profile so they're is no need for pretence. Perhaps they are after significantly younger women like the OP but I'd say that's pretty unrealistic of them [/quote]
It's true. Dh has friends in their 40/50 who are divorced with kids. Their expectations in terms of dating are ridiculous...they still think they can meet a childfree, never married twenty or thirty something...Hmm. They'd scoff at the thought of dating a woman the same age as them with the same baggage. Unsurprisingly, they are not having much luck Grin

CoedenNadolig · 28/12/2021 12:14

[quote liveforsummer]@FlowerFlour but these men are in they 40's sometimes closer to 50. A huge majority of people they will meet will already have kids and quite possibly not want more. For me for instance I have that clearly on my profile so they're is no need for pretence. Perhaps they are after significantly younger women like the OP but I'd say that's pretty unrealistic of them [/quote]
It is unrealistic but the don't seem to care. I have a good friend just turned 40, he's searching for a young woman in her 30's who would like children. Problem is he isn't a wealthy man, he's ok looking but not exactly Prince Charming and he has played the field so much now and has no idea how to date or converse with women that isn't sexting after the 4th message 🤦🏻‍♀️

In a way I'm glad I had my son at 24 as a surprise because now in my early 30's I'm not racing a biological clock, which I think makes some women settle. And no woman should ever settle. All you need is some sperm, the rest you can do on your own just fine, and I say this as a 100% sole custody lone parent with no financial support.

Men are not a necessity to life, they are a luxury like desert, but you don't need desert every day. 🤣

Northernparent68 · 28/12/2021 12:21

@liveforsummer

Out of interest I've just had a look on POF at the early 40's age range. Every single man I clicked on didn't have but wanted kids. 10-15 years ago I'd think that situation was pretty rare so the tactics clearly aren't working out for these blokes and they've got to 40, panicked but have no actual clue how to get it so continue in desperation with their sex talk as it's all they know.
Yeah, cos no one lies on the internet
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 28/12/2021 12:29

I met an unmarried-childfree 35 yr old 27 months ago.
We've bought a house, planning a wedding, and planning a child, my children have integrated well.
However I didn't scoff, just set my age range to 30-45.
The youngest woman I met was 27, she must've slipped through the net.
100 percent of dates were out for dinners-coffees-casual.
I had a lot of fun.
I multi-dated at one point.
Personally, I found women with children wanted an arms-length relationship or wanted to travel. I cannot travel due to commitments with children. I didn't fancy FWB long-term.

The most bizarre situation was a separated woman who paid for a hotel room on her husband's business account.
In the end, she dented my heart.Shock Grin

Comedycook · 28/12/2021 12:34

Personally I think that if you're a man in your forties/fifties with an ex wife and kids and want to date much younger women you need to be reasonably well off, good looking and still have some swagger...

Scrabblecrabapple · 28/12/2021 12:41

You sound wonderful. Keep sticking to the boundaries.

liveforsummer · 28/12/2021 12:43

@Comedycook

Personally I think that if you're a man in your forties/fifties with an ex wife and kids and want to date much younger women you need to be reasonably well off, good looking and still have some swagger...
I do kind of get the desire for them, even if they are sadly mistaken that anyone will actually be interested (unless yes quite wealthy and handsome). They feel like they have done their duty of the expected wife and kids, so want to have a bit of fun for now til they get bored. It's the ones who are appearing now who have no kids, no ex wife and are just messaging anyone that might respond that are becoming increasingly common. Their tactic if the last 10 years or so is backfiring on them now as they become less and less likely to attract younger women as they age and nothing to offer ones their own age.
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 12:44

If sex is available then most men will engage.
Traditionally women, because of societal norms, values, inequity and culture have acted as the gate keepers to sex. For example, my mother did not have sex before marriage. This had nothing to do with religion but expectations of being a nice girl. She married for privacy. Her dad dragged her out of a pub when she was 19 as nice girls didnt go to the pub. If a man wanted sex he could pay for it, buy a magazine or “date” a girl who was willing. My uncle got engaged so many times in the early 60s as this meant he would have sex. This was late 1950s and early 1960s. Today, thankfully we have moved on and women can enjoy sex as much as men and we don’t need to be married or in a relationship. However what it does mean is that sex is easily available. A man can meet a woman and have consensual sex immediately. They don’t need to buy dinner.

But there are men who do want a relationship. But you need to stick to your boundaries and not allow anyone to make you feel “frigid” “vanilla” etc, block, delete those that do not meet your expectations. I did OLD and did meet a nice bloke. But that was 6 years ago. I think it’s changed now. I would not go back on OLD ever again. But I’ve got children and older so happy in my own company. If I was on my 30s I’m not sure what I would do.

liveforsummer · 28/12/2021 12:47

It is unrealistic but the don't seem to care. I have a good friend just turned 40, he's searching for a young woman in her 30's who would like children. Problem is he isn't a wealthy man, he's ok looking but not exactly Prince Charming and he has played the field so much now and has no idea how to date or converse with women that isn't sexting after the 4th message

Yes this is exactly what I was describing in my earlier post - and in my last one also how much harder he will find this as he ages to attract younger females. Like I said they suddenly panic but have no idea how to do anything else but send pictures of their penis and hope someone will be impressed

Ionlydomassiveones · 28/12/2021 12:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Mofomo · 28/12/2021 12:54

Do daughters get encouraged to play the field

Mofomo · 28/12/2021 12:56

If a man in his 40s hasn't worked out how to talk to the opposite sex because he's been playing the field for too long, not sure he deserves a partner

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 13:03

@Mofomo

Do daughters get encouraged to play the field
Doubt it.

We don’t expect our daughters to play the field.