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Original poster

Every man I meet only want me for sex?

172 replies

Lonely342 · 27/12/2021 11:29

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself SadSad

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

  • A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.
  • Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.
We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him
  • Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.
Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying Blush Sad

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen Sad Sad

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 27/12/2021 15:06

Tell them if they want sex they should find a sex worker and pay for it.

dottiedodah · 27/12/2021 15:13

I think a lot of men will "try it on" and see what they can get away with! Some young women will accept the offer .Sadly for others who want a more traditional lead up to a RL this seems to become the norm! You may have been unlucky , as above PP says ,why not just say something like "No sorry that doesnt work for me ! How about we meet up for a meal whatever instead . Just say you prefer to get to know someone first properly.My DD has had similar as well you are not alone !

Confiscatedpopit · 27/12/2021 15:15

I’ll get some shit for saying this but I’m going to say what’s clearly obvious- it’s clear that a lot of women must put up with this sort of crap and go along with it quite regularly/happily- otherwise men wouldn’t think to ask as though it’s normal. I have heard plenty of conversations of how very average men have been chatting to women on tinder etc and they’ve been swiftly invited around for sex in the same evening. Very little effort involved from men and therefore they will become lazy in putting in the effort.

Keep doing you OP- you will find someone lovely. You’ve clearly had a run of bad luck. If you are keen on still doing internet dating then I’d check out some of the ones you need to pay for- lazy and sleazy men won’t be as interested in those.

NigellaBangBangTurkey · 27/12/2021 15:23

No advice. But you sound lovely and I'm hoping you meet someone soon who wants a romantic relationship.

BellatricksStrange · 27/12/2021 15:30

I don't think getting to know and having sex are mutually exclusive. The third person you mentioned seems like he was into you both as a person and as someone to have sex with - and why not, you're both young.

Men have a different approach to sex. For them it's far more about physical attraction than emotional, hence they have no problem pursuing sex independent of emotional closeness.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 27/12/2021 16:11

@BellatricksStrange there's no problem with men wanting sex or women wanting sex, but surely the issue is that it's being expected, without actually having even been on a date of any type. In the final example, the OP was hoping possibly to start a relationship, not go round someone's house, shag them and then work out if they were even vaguely interested. It also signals the person isn't really interested in her, getting to know her, doing things she'd like, having sex when she's ready. Basically it's come round, shag me and that's it.

This type of encounter isn't going to work for most men either in the long-run. My experience is that with a few exceptions, a lot of men are looking for emotional connection and want someone to love, and so behaving like this isn't going to work for them. It took me a while to realise this but some men act like this as a way of protecting themselves/not getting too involved; and some men are still acting like this age 40 plus, it does not signal emotional maturity for sure.

I see nothing wrong with two people meeting one evening, deciding to shag, then deciding whether or not to be in a relationship or FWB but this isn't what's happening here. These men are propositioning the OP in unwelcome ways which she didn't invite and isn't interested in pursuing, what on earth would make them think she's interested?

Crazykatie · 27/12/2021 16:13

I didnt realise it was so bad, not wanting to go on a date and getting to know you is totally unreasonable, finding a good man is not easy but you are better off without creeps like that

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 27/12/2021 16:13

On the bonus side, at least they are being honest and you can see they are not for you up front. Better than pretending and then ghosting you after a date or two.

Modern dating is not for the faint-hearted.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 27/12/2021 16:22

I agree with your posts @OnwardsAndSideways1

Raychelle · 27/12/2021 16:22

I agree with challenging the last guy! I’d be saying so you’ve spent 2 weeks chatting to me for what reason? And in future, I’d try and establish quite early on that you aren’t looking for casual sex.

BellatricksStrange · 27/12/2021 16:40

@NotSoNewAndShiny

I agree with your posts *@OnwardsAndSideways1*
Metoo. You make good points.
Crazykatie · 27/12/2021 16:48

If you ask why men do this, the answer is because the can, and have grown up with it. Young women don’t want to commit, they want to be independant, to have fun, many dont think about finding a partner until they are 30. By that time many of the good men have already been taken, those that havn’t have got used to the single life, picking a girl up in a pub and having a quick shag, they are independant as well.

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 18:29

I've thought about this a lot.

I think that sex feels about fifty times better for men than it does for women.

Imagine being a man and being able to enter the body of a young beautiful woman. That would be heaven. Utter heaven . You are able to go inside the body of someone beautiful. And if they get the woman pregnant, the man can just walk away.

Sex is different for women.
If women have casual sex, women have the risk of
-getting pregnant.
-violence from some one bigger than them

  • the man forcing her to do sexual acts.

Also on random sexual encounters the man is often focused on his pleasure. And not the woman's. So he will just use her as a thin to ejaculate in. Then fuck off .

So we can see why men want casual sex much more than women. They get so much more out of the exchange.

I have had sex with men I barely knew and I would never do it again. Each time was very bad and I felt unsafe.

I would only have sex if I have an emotional connection again

dayswithaY · 27/12/2021 19:42

Mufasa1118 you have nailed it, perfect description.

autieok · 27/12/2021 20:36

A lot of men are unfortunately like that but not all are. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and you have good boundaries in place. Don't give up hope, maybe see if any of your friends or family can set u up? But also enjoy what you have.

Crazykatie · 27/12/2021 20:40

If that true why do women fall for it again and again and again.
If it was as bad as that women would not give men easy sex as many do they would make them commit first.

The pleasure is intense for women as well

Sarahlou63 · 27/12/2021 20:56

@Mufasa1118

You're in the wrong century. Women are as equally entitled to use men for their own pleasure if they so wish - we can have multiple orgasms, they can't.

Just because you've not enjoyed casual sex don't presume other women don't relish it for the sheer enjoyment of being sexual beings.

ImmutableSexQueen · 27/12/2021 21:08

It's in the bible - 'her desire shall be for her husband'. It' toned down to 'husband' to try to keep us in line, but the truth of the matter is, we want them. We want them a lot. If we had them as randomly was we liked, they'd never know whose children they were raising. So, they train us to think we should only want sex under certain conditions. With a spouse. After a decent interval of 'getting to know each other'. Whatever. Anything to tame the bonobo in us.

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 21:08

@Sarahlou63 that is not what I meant with my post at all.

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 21:10

@Sarahlou63 saying this to me

"Just because you've not enjoyed casual sex don't presume other women don't relish it for the sheer enjoyment of being sexual beings."

Is needlessly aggressive

I didn't presume anything about what other women do.

We are talking about why many more men want casual sex compared to women. And they do.
And I pointed out that women have more risks of pregnancy and violence.

That is nothing to do with me being in "the wrong century" as you said

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 21:17

@Sarahlou63 and also I'm annoyed that you said this to me.

You said
"Just because you've not enjoyed casual sex don't presume other women don't relish it for the sheer enjoyment of being sexual beings."

Its not that I didn't enjoy casual sex because I don't like sex or because I'm not a sexual being,

I'm thinking back to the men I had casual sex with.

it is because some of the men that I had casual sex with scared the living daylights out of me.

Three of the men physically forced me to do sexual acts that I didn't want to do.

One man hit me when I went back to his house. He hit me hard and he hurt me.
He scared the life out of me. I was honestly afraid for my my life. I stayed awake and I ran out the door when he fell asleep.

After him i said never again. It is dangerous to go to a house/hotel with a man we barely know. That element of danger is there. They are bigger than us and can easily overpower us if they want to.

MushMonster · 27/12/2021 21:29

They are weird and creepy.
Just jumping to sexual texts? Chuck them on the creepy box, disgusting! Surely they are not in a hurry to get a stable relationship, but it may be because they are unable to.
Nothing wrong with you. It is definitively this lot.
Keep being who you are. Your man will turn up soon.

RiverSkater · 27/12/2021 21:31

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

What a horrible comment. OP stick to your boundaries, you are worth more than these creeps, not the other way round.
Sarahlou63 · 27/12/2021 21:32

@Mufasa1118 - I'm so sorry you've had such dreadful experiences; what you went through is rape, not casual sex. Please think about getting counselling to help you.

StormyCornishSeas · 27/12/2021 21:35

I'm in a very similar position to you op! And I feel exactly the same. All my friends are coupled up so there must be some decent guys out there somewhere. But it's really grim and when I tell friends this they can't believe it. It's like all the men i come across are in relationships, I'm not that attracted to or after just one thing.

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