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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every man I meet only want me for sex?

172 replies

Lonely342 · 27/12/2021 11:29

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself SadSad

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

  • A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.
  • Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.
We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him
  • Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.
Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying Blush Sad

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen Sad Sad

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 12:20

I think porn has a lot to blame for aswell. It has taught men that women are sex toys who are always up for sex.

I think a lot of men don't even see women as human beings anymore.

Try to talk to a man about how a woman feels and they just won't be able to grasp it. As thy cannot see women as humans.

But there are surely still nice men out there.

MintJulia · 27/12/2021 12:21

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Definitely not!

As is evident by their rodent-like behaviour,

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 12:21

I don't know as I met my partner at 19 so luckily avoided much of the seedy dating scene and internet dating.

We are similar ages. I wonder if you're unlucky in so much as the "good men" are generally with people having babies. I suspect more will come on the market between 35-40 when their families have split for various reasons. But then they may be on the rebound and anti-commitment.

Or you have those who have never settled down and they may be the players who think they're god's gift and can't maintain sensible relationships and conversations beyond sex talk.

You sound like a catch, honestly. I would keep looking and keep your standards. Good luck!

lillyorlana · 27/12/2021 12:33

TBH what i noticed was your responses.

Maybe you have been unlucky... orrr maybe its how you respond. Men will try their luck, if you shut them down clearly they will know you have standards.

The first response, i don't usually make a habit of etc..... its like a but was coming, i expected it, which means he probably read that as, do a bit more to change my mind and i will.

Even the second.... no... (enough, powerful, to the point) then not tonight (undermined the no, left a possibility for tomorrow option, says you dont respect yourself)

I would go on youtube, type in matthew hussey, he will give you a better insight into it.

Dont let it discourage you though xx

iBrows · 27/12/2021 12:38

What you’re doing is great OP, you’re saying no and sticking to it instead of sleeping with them and then getting upset afterwards when they reveal their true intentions.

There are men out there who will be really attracted to someone with the self respect you clearly have.

CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 12:45

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

That sounds a bit mean to suggest the OP is punching above her weight. Hmm

These guys are approaching the OP, not the other way around - and she hasn't even got the offer of a date yet [shocked]

ElsieMc · 27/12/2021 12:47

@Itseemslike - They are out of the op's league? How can you possibly know this. What a sexist load of old rubbish. I guess you mean physically. Well I bet they all look like Brad Pitt.

Op, it is you who are way, way out of their league. What a horrible bunch of saddos. So I will make a similar assumption, they are other women's left overs and cast offs for a reason.

My dd had similar with her instructor at her gym. He got her number from her application and kindly sent her a lovely picture of his private parts. Perhaps they could put this pic up alongside the name of the National gym chain to entice more women "members".

MrsBerthaRochester · 27/12/2021 12:47

Nope its them. I state very clearly on my bio that Im not looking for casual or hook ups yet everytime I get chatting to a guy they suggest a drink...at their place.
Also every youngish guy I know so 25 to 35 are cheating on their partners. They all on the sites and meeting folk for sex.
For a while I tried to play them at their own game and had a lot of casual sex but it ultimately left me feeling shit.
Im now happily single. Fuck these porn obsessed peter pans.

CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 12:48

@Mufasa1118

I think porn has a lot to blame for aswell. It has taught men that women are sex toys who are always up for sex.

I think a lot of men don't even see women as human beings anymore.

Try to talk to a man about how a woman feels and they just won't be able to grasp it. As thy cannot see women as humans.

But there are surely still nice men out there.

This is one example of how porn is not 'harmless'.

I'll say no more as I don't want to derail the thread. Hmm

Sarahlou63 · 27/12/2021 12:48

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

What the fuck have I just read?!?
Nailsbythesea · 27/12/2021 12:52

@TheVolturi

Men can be real creeps! You will find a good one op just stick to your morals.
Exactly. I had a really nice friend (or so I thought) - eventually as always he comes out with the 'can I ask you something personal' which made me sink .............he said (and this is the next normal line) -do you have a FWB how do you keep yourself sexually satisfied -it gives me to ick.

Men are mainly creeps -sorry but they are.

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 12:54

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Wow you sound very jealous!
How weird when you don’t even know OP.
Are you single?

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 27/12/2021 12:56

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Please ignore this, OP. It’s not you and there’s no such thing as “above your league” - the idea that people can be classified into lower and higher leagues is utter nonsense. You’ve just had a run of bad luck meeting sex pest tosspots. Well done for sticking to your principals.

Bit of a bold move, but you could establishing encounters as friendships first - someone interested in sex only will probably remove themselves rather quickly whereas a genuine guy will stick around to see what develops between you. Also, phone calls are way better than texts for getting to know each other and establishing boundaries. “I’d love to chat but I’ve got to put my phone down to do my outdoor interests, can I call you later?” Again, if he’s not looking for a relationship this is a pretty good way to make him scarper.

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 27/12/2021 12:57

This was my exact experience too OP so solidarity there ❤I had a run of real weirdos for bloody years.
If I could make a suggestion - do a good bit of background on these men before you chat too much.
Forexample I used to always check who they follow on twitter, filter out those who follow porn accounts/insta page 3 girls etc

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 12:57

OP this is unfortunately completely normal.

They say men are like roses - you need to watch out for the pricks.

You will find someone and I think having these experiences allows you to realise when you’ve actually met someone decent.

Don’t take it as an insult. Men think differently from women. They think it’s a good thing to want to have sex straight away. But stick to your boundaries and you will find someone who is willing to put your needs first and wait for as long as you need.

HappyDays40 · 27/12/2021 12:58

My friend is bisexual but generated men ather than women as she did want a family with a man and biological birth children. However after years of dating cockwombles who just wanted sex she decided to concentrate her efforts on women. Found and married a lovely one and is now pregnant. All I'm saying is that life can change foe the better very suddenly you might meet someone lovely in a butchers shop or a library rather than OLD.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 27/12/2021 13:00

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

WTAF ?
Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 13:03

I read a great quote once. It said

"People put more thought into choosing their handbags, then into choosing their partners".

We need to choose carefully! Don't meet a stranger off online dating. Get to know a man slowly at a club like a book club, or hiking club.

Get to know what kind of man he is. Look at his life. Before you go out with him.

Take time. Be careful who you let into your life.

GrendelsGrandma · 27/12/2021 13:04

Bleugh, that sounds horrible! What unites them all though is it sounds like the men were all making the first move after briefly getting to know you? These are confident/cocky men who weren't necessarily signalling that they wanted relationships to begin with.

Online dating and giving slightly shyer, less full of themselves men a go might work?

Proudboomer · 27/12/2021 13:07

On the plus side at least they aren’t stringing you along with false promises or trying to make you think they are offering more than sex.

As depressing as it might be at least you know where you stand with them and if you don’t want what they are offering you can move on with your life and hopefully find someone who does want what you do.

FreedFromHomeSchooling · 27/12/2021 13:08

I’ve had the exact same experience whilst OLD & I’m aiming at me around 10 years older than the ones you’re talking about.
It really turned me off trying to find someone & if I do try OLD in the future, the first sentence of my profile will be very explicit that I am in no way interested in casual sex.
I even chatted to a guy online who was a doctor & very upfront about just wanting a shag, he used the line that as he was a medic he could assure me that it would all be protected & safe.
Brought a whole new meaning to “trust me I’m a doctor”!!

daisyjgrey · 27/12/2021 13:17

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

You're either a man (and a crap one at that) or an absolute dickhead. Possibly both.

FangsForTheMemory · 27/12/2021 13:22

As others have said, you have really good boundaries, so stick to them. I'd keep doing hobbies etc you're interested in, and talk to a range of people there, just so that it's clear you're not specifically looking for a partner.

Flobbertybillop · 27/12/2021 13:24

@Itseemslike what the fucking fuck?
Leagues are bullshit, and what a horrible thing to say to someone that’s clearly distressed.
Op, men a seem for the most part to be knobs, who think with their knobs. Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job of valuing yourself, holding boundaries and spotting creeps. The right one will come along.

Comedycook · 27/12/2021 13:25

It's not you...I think men nowadays are just like this from what I hear from single friends. When I was single twenty years ago, men would always take you out on a date...I know women who say that now some men expect just to have a quick chat online then go round for a shag...I find it shocking.

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