Every man I meet only want me for sex?

[Lonely342]

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

• A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.

• Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.

We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him

• Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.

Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

Mufasa I totally understood your post and got it. It was beautifully written I thought and made so much sense! I agreed with every word. So it’s just I think SarahLou has inferred it differently.

Totally agree with SarahLou though that your experience was totally horrific and indeed rape as she said- sorry if that’s an awful thing to read with me stating it so bluntly if you haven’t considered it that way before.

There are plenty of good men out there. I've had some lovely dates and a fun short term relationship before I met DP (and some creepy terrible dates where I left after one drink!). Sex will always be part of it although I never had a problem with it per se, I wanted to find someone who I fancied his pants off!

You have to have clear boundaries and the confidence to tell creeps to fuck off. Which you already do. Keep looking and some good ones will come along, you had some bad luck there. You don't notice the good ones because they won't be as forward as the creeps who are just chancing it!

Poor you OP. That sucks. Makes me angry on your behalf. I don't know what to suggest... but I know that I only had a good relationship after I did therapy (not CBT but proper psychoanalysis e.g. core processing therapy). That should help you to understand yourself and also this (and help process and - eventually - work out how to move things forward). But I also know that it's just hard. Xoxoxo

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Haha its always so obvious when the shit men comment. Thanks for being so entertaining predictable

Welcome to dating in your 30's. This is pretty much it sadly. I am in a better position where I don't want a relationship so casual dates and sex suit.me just fine as to not complicate my line parent, full time working lifestyle.

But even some of the men I have had casual sex with and then we've sorta merged to being good friends, I've had the whole "what do you want from life" conversation and they all pretty much say the same. Sex on tap, money in the bank and no responsibility till their 40's.

I've told them all they are in for a shock because they will then be competing with younger men for a fertile woman, and they can't see the storm they are brewing but that's their problem not mine. 🤣

Think we will end up with a generation of single, childless men in their mid 40's because by 35 most.of the women have either found a rare good one, or simply had a child by their own devices.

@CoedenNadolig they are all on online dating looking for someone, but with not much success judging by some of the quite bitter comments about women. They also all claim to be about 45 when they are clearly late forties/early fifties. I try to avoid the men that are 50 plus with tiny kids as well as that's too much parenting for my age.

Yes I have, I met a lovely bloke on Bumble and we had take away and a really fab night.
No pushing for sex.
We ended up in a relationship so it can happen.

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said but I recently joined online dating but your experience is absolutely the same as mine!

You have excellent boundaries op.

I would have been much more naive and fuzzy at your age.

There is definitely an oversupply of men like this. Thry are particularly active on old and sm. That doesnt mean it's impossible to meet a man who's not like this. Its a numbers game, and you only need one.

Old is a trash sifting exercise, dating in general can be.

Keep widening and varying your social scene, as much as you can.

Keep going, dont let it get you down.

Their behaviour is a reflection entirely on them, not you.
Those dudes are doing the same thing with every woman.

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Are you for real? That is so rude!! There isn’t a league !

I've told them all they are in for a shock because they will then be competing with younger men for a fertile woman, and they can't see the storm they are brewing but that's their problem not mine. 🤣

If they make decent money and have assets, they'll do ok with you get women.

Depends how well they look too, but if theyre not shit looking, their assets (above the level of young men usually) will pull in women.
It may not be the majority of younger women (others will be in relationships naturally with peers) but enough of them.

Are you for real? That is so rude!! There isn’t a league !

Also bullshit because I've been propositioned by worse looking (and lower status if we want to get harsh) men than I've had relationships with.

@Mufasa1118

I've thought about this a lot.

I think that sex feels about fifty times better for men than it does for women.

Imagine being a man and being able to enter the body of a young beautiful woman. That would be heaven. Utter heaven . You are able to go inside the body of someone beautiful. And if they get the woman pregnant, the man can just walk away.

Sex is different for women.
If women have casual sex, women have the risk of
-getting pregnant.
-violence from some one bigger than them

• the man forcing her to do sexual acts.

Also on random sexual encounters the man is often focused on his pleasure. And not the woman's. So he will just use her as a thin to ejaculate in. Then fuck off .

So we can see why men want casual sex much more than women. They get so much more out of the exchange.

I have had sex with men I barely knew and I would never do it again. Each time was very bad and I felt unsafe.

I would only have sex if I have an emotional connection again

This, right here, it the truth. it took me two decades to learn it.

Don’t settle for less, I just recently got out an abusive relationship. I am remaining celibate. I have pets and I recommend you get a cat if you’re lonely.

[quote Sarahlou63]@Mufasa1118 - I'm so sorry you've had such dreadful experiences; what you went through is rape, not casual sex. Please think about getting counselling to help you.[/quote]
If you are picking up and discarding men for casual sex you are throwing away potential long term partners, men are not going to respect you for easy sex, you are just free meat. The number of good men reduces year by year because they are taken, in addition they have formed strong male bonds, where they would rather spend time with their mates than with you.

This was my life until I met DH. I went through a lot of bad apples, A LOT. It was all consuming.
Stick to your guns, don't have sex with them as you'll not enjoy how you feel after. Maybe try actual online dating?

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Bilge. What on earth gave you the impression that these skanky men were out of OP’s league? Are you actually suggesting they were too good for her? Because they don’t sound like prizes. Surely the most likely explanation is that they are skanky, lazy, entitled, men.

Terrible behaviour from all of these men, but sadly it sounds all too familiar from when I was in the dating world. It sounds like you have a good radar for the bullshit, so just keep on blocking etc - you are doing the right thing.

It's definitely not you, it is 100% them. It is very, very common. I don't really have any advice other than stick with it and hopefully you will find someone that loves and respects you. I was 35 before I met my partner and that was after many years of failed dating and tears, while I watched all my friends pair off and settle down. Chin up!

We don’t know what “ league” to OP is, gym is mentioned and outdoor activities so I guess quite attractive would be a good description, not sexualizing herself would make her more attractive.
Is this the curse of being “very attractive” and attracting the wrong men?.

There are all sorts of men on online dating, after a few messages it’s not hard to meet for coffee without any commitment which sounds like a good starting point for moving on

I'm older than you (42) and have 2 dc and honestly it's no better. The time men take to turn conversations to sex is getting less and less with each match and I've pretty much given up on dating sites altogether. I wonder how often they are successful that they are all repeatedly trying this shit. Even when you give them a second chance ajd try to explain you aren't interested in that they just give it a few half hearted attempts as general chit chat then try again so there are no second chances anymore. I don't have any answers for you unfortunately but it's utterly depressing.

@TerraNovaTwo

when men got nearer to 40 they were generally not such testosterone-filled sex-pests.

That's not always the case - I've encountered more than one sex pest who is 40+

Yep, not true at all - all the men I speak to are 40+

@Itseemslike

You are probably going for guys that are above your league and have so many other and better options and just want you for a short term fling.

If you date someone who you are equal to then this is unlikely to happen. Date someone in your league and they will see you as long term partner material.

Fuck sake 🤣🤣🤣. I'm just surprised this post did not start with 'man here' as is common when the wise men folk come along to share their wisdom to us lesser females 😆

I'm imagining myself in a man's shoes. I'm trying to imagine myself as a man.

I am asking a woman out. Would i rather bring her for dinner or would I rather bring her to a hotel and have sex with her?. I'd rather bring her to a hotel and have sex with her.

Then I think alot of men can't be bothered to put any effort in of bringing the woman for dates etc. They want INSTANT gratification.

And they don't see why asking for sex straight away can make the woman feel bad.

It feels good to them - the men - so why would they care.

I'm glad I'm single!

Out of interest I've just had a look on POF at the early 40's age range. Every single man I clicked on didn't have but wanted kids. 10-15 years ago I'd think that situation was pretty rare so the tactics clearly aren't working out for these blokes and they've got to 40, panicked but have no actual clue how to get it so continue in desperation with their sex talk as it's all they know.

have no actual clue how to get it so continue in desperation with their sex talk as it's all they know.

This is most definitely true. Gross.