Every man I meet only want me for sex?

[Lonely342]

I know this sounds extremely pathetic but I feel very depressed and upset right now.

I’ve just had a very lonely Christmas (I don’t have any family living over here in this country) and the festive period has just highlighted how alone I’ve felt for a long time, but guess I’ve been denying it to myself

I’m really upset right now as every man I meet seems to have no interest in me beyond trying to sleep with me, and I don’t understand why…

I’m 30, no DC, live alone. I have lots of interests and hobbies in my social life, mainly outdoor activities. I’m a very active person and make an effort to make conversation when meeting people, so wouldn’t say I’m a boring person. I dress well but not revealingly (not that there is anything wrong with women that do, I’m just trying to explain that I don’t try to sexualise myself)

Everytime I meet a guy he has no interest in going on dates with me or getting to know me. They only want sex. As time has gone on, it’s beginning to make me feel really upset and the disrespect is starting to anger me almost.

This has gone on for a long time but these are 3 examples from the past month;

• A month ago I got speaking to a man I’d seen a few times at a fitness class. We got texting and he asked me to see me, then asked me when I was coming over to his house ? I said I don’t usually make a habit of going over to mens houses that I don’t know, but that there was a new cocktail bar that had just opened that looked good. He replied “Don’t really want to go out to be honest”. I said okay, not a problem, and left it at that, I didn’t pursue it any further. He didn’t text me again.

• Went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was hosting. I met a friend of hers there, he seemed very nice and we had hours of nice conversation over the night. At the end of the night when everyone was waiting for our taxis, he asked me to go home with him. I said no, tonight wasn’t good for me. He then asked if he could come back to my house. Again I said no, and that I was going home alone. He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message. Asking if I had a good night etc, then asked when I’d be free to go over to his house. Then told me the sexual things he wanted to do to my body, and what positions he’d like to do.

We never spoke about anything sexual related that night/no cheeky sexual innuendos. So I have no idea why he felt so comfortable saying that to me. I blocked him

• Two weeks ago I got a friend request from a man who I’d met a couple of times at one of my outdoor activity hobby groups. He sent me a message on there, and for the past 2 weeks we have been speaking getting to know each other. We have spoken everyday. Unlike others I have met I felt we got on very well. We have a lot in common, we’ve had very deep conversations. We also have a very similar sense of humour so make each other laugh.

Last night he said that now our hectic schedules are clear, and that Christmas is over, we finally need to meet up since we have been talking everyday for 2 weeks. I said great, what did he have in mind…. He suggested I come over to his house for a homemade cocktail, and that he’ll try to keep his hands off me, but that he couldn’t make any promises, and that he’s been thinking about “f*king me for ages (We haven’t never spoken about sex before!!) I know this sounds pathetic of me but I didn’t reply. And started crying

I speak to my friends and hear about all the lovely activities and gestures they’ve had with their OH’s over Christmas, and I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me. I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with. I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex (even though I never have casual sex or one night stands)

I’m 30 and still hoping to have children one day but it’s beginning to feel like it will never happen

Is this normal behaviour from men nowadays?
Am I being too sensitive?

My mum used to say something like you come across a lot of frogs before you find your Prince. OP some of the behaviour you describe from men is disgusting. Ignore, block and move on. There are good men out there, just be patient, and discerning- there are also many awful ones- makes you wonder how they were brought up.

It's not just you, OP.

I've seen the same behaviour from men in their late 20s, 30s and 40s. I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's a male thing.

There are some men who aren't creeps and who want relationships. They're generally married already.

There are also some men who are creeps and are married already.

Honestly, the older I get and the more men I meet, the more I suspect all men are just awful, and the ones who I think aren't, are just really good at hiding it.

I roll my eyes at advice to keep your standards up and keep looking... I don't think what either of us want exists. Luckily, I've made my peace with being on my own. I'd rather be on my own that share half my life with a creep. Currently, those two things seem to be my only choices.

It's not you, it's them. They're selfish, greedy, want sex with no ties. If you don't want that, don't do it. As for pp's 'looking for your equal', fuck that! No! Remember you are a human being and aim for the absolute pinnacle in masculine desirability. Go for what you want. Keep your standards. You won't regret it.

I have a friend who has told me the exact same thing
she is very attractive in a sexy way think of Stifflers mum in American Pie 😂
She doesn’t wear sexy clothing or anything but she has this very sexy way about her. If she
She refuses to date anyone who won’t take her out for at least a drink or a coffee first and second date

Jennifer Audrey Coolidge Is the actress who played the part she is a few years older than my friend but my friend really looks like she could be her younger sister

@Hippychicken1

I have a friend who has told me the exact same thing she is very attractive in a sexy way think of Stifflers mum in American Pie 😂 She doesn’t wear sexy clothing or anything but she has this very sexy way about her. If she She refuses to date anyone who won’t take her out for at least a drink or a coffee first and second date

Oh, quite a few men can pretend to be decent for three dates. At the end of the third date, they will turn into a petulant teenager if you won't then sleep with them. It's alarming how many men think they're owed sex.

The third date is incredible. It's like giving gremlins water after midnight. Even the nice ones change personality completely.

I've been looking for a fwb so you'd think it would be easier but nope. How dare I think the F bit was as important as the B bit and want to meet at a pub first rather than at mine or theirs. That's apparently too much effort.

OP: " I can’t meet someone who even wants go for a coffee with me."

-That's a bit of self pity there. Not helpful.

OP: "I would love to meet someone who I have a connection with, and share fun times with"

-You can have a "connection" and "share good times" with friends. What are you actually looking for in a life partner? Write it down or who will you know when you find it?

OP: I’m starting to feel like I’m good for nothing other than sex

-Don't be daft- you don't do one-nighters and you have enough self-respect not to be pushed into them. Low status men trying it on for sex is what they do - Standard Operating Procedure (SOP). Ensure that when they do this, you LAUGH at them out loud.

OP - you are 30 and it come across to me like you desperately want to meet a man and have children. Predatory men can sense this and will use you accordingly. Zero tolerance and move on. Anyone suggesting sex outside a relationship is just trying it on to see if you accept. It is disrespectful. Cut them dead.

You have your Facebook open for random men to be able to "look you up". Don't do this. It is up to you to reveal to each individual man what you want to tell them and when - why publish your life on Facebook for them to look at? Really - don't.

No online dating - it comes across as desperate to men - they will use it to save money on escorts or because they like to chase women but would rather sit on their useless fat arses and do in on a phone while sitting in a chair covered in Cheesy Wotsit dust.

If you want a decent man - faithful, kind, honest, intelligent, hard-working, loving, resourceful, no addictions, adventurous, brave, domesticated, no child-like behaviour like computer gaming etc - you are going to have a lot of wolves approaching you before you find that man, because they are VERY RARE. Just bat off the chancers, the perverts, the liars - swat them away and move along.

Harden yourself up, stop the self-pity. Every day learn something new.
Learn an instrument, learn to draw and paint, to make clothes, carpentry, painting and decorating. It will all come in handy in the future and will make you more interesting the more you can do and know.

Don't chase any man. Don't ask them out (cringe). If someone asks you out and offers to take you for "a walk" laugh and move on. NEVER tell them where you live - never. Never live with them unless you are officially engaged and don't get pregnant by accident.

Come on now my girl - make yourself even more wonderful than you already are - no self-pity ever. Get yourself out and about. Get some male friends (I mean compltely platonic). Learn about how men think, because you don't seem to know much about them.

Despite what people try to tell us, men and women are completely different.
Ann Oakley was full of shit.

Good luck.

Thank you, I was just about to make this point!

Yes, these men in question are approaching me after meeting me through mutual friends/hobbie groups. And no they’re not above my league

Thanks for all your responses, it’s horrible but also comforting to know that it’s not just happening to me!

It feels like men these days see women are disposable and don’t see us as people, just sex objects.

Out of curiosity- has anyone ever gone to a man’s house for a “date” where his intentions have actually been completely innocent, and he hasn’t pushed for sex?

We need to choose carefully! Don't meet a stranger off online dating. Get to know a man slowly at a club like a book club, or hiking club.

Get to know what kind of man he is. Look at his life. Before you go out with him.

Take time. Be careful who you let into your life.

Good advice except the 'don't meet anyone off online' dating bit. I see people say this often.

Your post applies to anyone you meet. It doesn't matter where you meet them, everyone is a stranger once.

If everyone tries to meet single people at their book/hobby club, etc how many would be left? How many single people go to these places anyway in order to have a good selection based on other criteria, besides them being single?

Also, for all you know, some of those you meet at the book club, hiking club, etc could be the axe murderers you're trying to avoid online, who've realised these places are where women are signposted to. Those you meet at the bar could be anything, yet some people go home with them on the first night.

Online only casts a wide net so as not to limit one's options only to the places they're able to go. It doesn't mean to then throw caution to the wind and forget to do due diligence. Safety first always, meet in public places, etc.

I would stop all of this texting nonsense as a way to get to know someone. It dehumanises you and takes you much longer to weed out the creeps.

@Aquamarine1029

I would stop all of this texting nonsense as a way to get to know someone. It dehumanises you and takes you much longer to weed out the creeps.

This^^

No advice but this was my experience for decades

Annike4

Thank you for your response. You make a lot of good points. But about this;

You have your Facebook open for random men to be able to "look you up". Don't do this. It is up to you to reveal to each individual man what you want to tell them and when - why publish your life on Facebook for them to look at? Really - don't.

I have a Facebook account but why does that automatically mean I “publish my life for all to see”? My profile picture was last updated in 2018 actually, I never post. (I only use Facebook to be nosey )

@Aquamarine1029

I would stop all of this texting nonsense as a way to get to know someone. It dehumanises you and takes you much longer to weed out the creeps.

Good point about it dehumanising us, I’ve often thought this. However how else do you think we should get to know each other prior to the first date meeting? I’m finding in this generation people don’t do phone calls !

The trouble is some women are allowing this zero effort behaviour so standards have dropped. Romantic love now seems very elusive, mostly non- existant online, seem to have gone down same road as fast food. Stand your ground and show them what a high value woman you are, if they disapear no big loss.
l know someone who is in her mid twenties, never even been on a date, just meets guys and makes out in her car, her mental health is in a bad way, any surprise ?
l am sure there are some more considerate men out there, they just seem well hidden, from my own experiance l met both of my wonderful long term partners naturally through work, sometimes it seems the harder you try the more doomed you are to fail.
Don' t give up, it will happen, maybe just not when you expect it too. Walking, running, cycling and rowing clubs would be a good way to meet healthier people.

OP, there are creeps everywhere, whether you text them or talk to them; meet them online or through your best friend.

The key is to have standards as you do and to not spend time explaining your standards to anyone you meet or trying to tell them why you're saying no. Just block/walk away/ignore/say No to anyone who says something questionable. Move on.

If a man asks you to his house for a first date/meet, it's a red flag - whether it turns out great or not.

Safety first and always. Stick to public places and don't lower your standards to accommodate them. You'll find the right one who wouldn't ask you to

@Lonely342

Thank you, I was just about to make this point!

Yes, these men in question are approaching me after meeting me through mutual friends/hobbie groups. And no they’re not above my league

Thanks for all your responses, it’s horrible but also comforting to know that it’s not just happening to me!

It feels like men these days see women are disposable and don’t see us as people, just sex objects.

Out of curiosity- has anyone ever gone to a man’s house for a “date” where his intentions have actually been completely innocent, and he hasn’t pushed for sex?

It may sound weird but we didn't 'dtd' until after we married (had some fun before though). He had his own flat and we spent a lot of time there together just hanging out as they say these days.

It may seem odd but some men get the impression that women are pretty awful. Several of OHs friends basically gave up dating and settled for dogs, beer and hobbies. Nice guys who got a poor impression from the girls where we were (and tbh they were pretty awful). As a previous poster mentioned many of the nice men will be married but then again many may just have settled for being who they are and their friends.

Thing is, this stuff works for many men. I have a beautiful wonderful friend who is now married, but before that she would date these type of guys, then ask why do they only call me at 11 at night, why don't they call me after sex, why do they say this that and the other crappy things- the answer being, because she let them! She admitted to me she had sex with men she didn't really fancy out of some type of obligation if they'd been on a date or round for a coffee. She would go out at 11 and then wonder why they only wanted sex.

I sent her the 'He's Just Not that Into You' book because what was clear was that none of these guys was really into her, they were full of excuses, like the men you are meeting about why they can't go out/go for dinner/don't want a relationship right now- fine, great, they've told you who they are, now move on.

If it makes you feel any better, I am a lot older than you (by decades) and got approached by a man just two days ago who was strangely messaging on Christmas Day, asking me for a drink through an online dating site. I looked through the pictures, thought he's not bad, perhaps this will be the one after so many frogs last year, looked down at his profile and under 'What are you passionate about?' he'd written 'Sex'. I mean lol.

It's not you, it's them, but you have to just get a thicker skin on, you don't have to accept messages on FB if you don't want to and just dismiss them quickly, move on to other people who are more what you want.

The reason men use this scatter-gun inconsiderate sex-based approach is because it actually works on some women, who feel obligated, have low self-esteem, give them the benefit of the doubt, haven't had a boyfriend in a while, so if they do it enough, it works out. You are obviously attractive if you get so many unsolicited offers- so go out there and attract the type of person you would like to meet whilst not letting the shitty ones have head space.

@Moonface123

The trouble is some women are allowing this zero effort behaviour so standards have dropped. Romantic love now seems very elusive, mostly non- existant online, seem to have gone down same road as fast food. Stand your ground and show them what a high value woman you are, if they disapear no big loss. l know someone who is in her mid twenties, never even been on a date, just meets guys and makes out in her car, her mental health is in a bad way, any surprise ? l am sure there are some more considerate men out there, they just seem well hidden, from my own experiance l met both of my wonderful long term partners naturally through work, sometimes it seems the harder you try the more doomed you are to fail. Don' t give up, it will happen, maybe just not when you expect it too. Walking, running, cycling and rowing clubs would be a good way to meet healthier people.

Agree with the first paragraph - for all the benefits of women's 'sexual liberation' there are many aspects of the 'sex positivity' movement which seem to have worked out much better for men than for women. As PPs have said, porn and dating apps do not help either, and are probably bringing the whole thing to a new level.

OP, I am around your age. You sound lovely and I think you should absolutely stick to your standards! Consider taking a look at the 'Female Dating Strategy' community and you will see that you are most certainly not alone in facing this kind of low-effort, troglodyte behaviour from men.

@Lonely342

Annike4

Thank you for your response. You make a lot of good points. But about this;

You have your Facebook open for random men to be able to "look you up". Don't do this. It is up to you to reveal to each individual man what you want to tell them and when - why publish your life on Facebook for them to look at? Really - don't.

I have a Facebook account but why does that automatically mean I “publish my life for all to see”? My profile picture was last updated in 2018 actually, I never post. (I only use Facebook to be nosey )

Lonely342: Sorry - I read this:

"He reached out to me the following day on Facebook by sending me a friend request and a message."

I took it to mean he had found you on Facebook and could see your details and posts so he got in touch.

You take my point though - just taking care that your life is not an open book ;)
Wishing you luck.

The trouble is some women are allowing this zero effort behaviour so standards have dropped

Yes I agree. A lot of men have always wanted sex on tap with no effort having to be made...however they knew in previous times that to get sex, they had to make an effort, date or enter into a proper relationship.

Some good advice above OP.

This is them and not you.

I would stop with the endless texting though.
I wouldn't be available for it.

I also wouldn't answer a man who suggested yours or his home rather than asking you onna date.

It's a cheap booty call and not to be entertained.

A man that may be genuinely interested in you, will ask you out.

Keep your boundaries up, you are weeding out losers, you just need to do it a bit quicker.

Don't lose heart.

This use to happen to me when I was younger, all I met was men who wanted sex and nothing more, it’s why I’ve now been single for 5 years (No sex at all) since breaking up with my ex (the only man who didn’t want just sex) because I can’t be bothered with it all again.

I'd be tempted to challenge the last guy.

We've chatted for TWO WEEKS. I've suggested a date. Why do you think that means I want to just come over for a fuck?