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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2021 14:57

Mil used to do this.
Last time she did it she sent a text and I just replied “no thank you”. She asked why and I just said I didn’t want to.
She’s never asked again (DH agreed by the way but would never date say it)

PaddingtonStareBare · 27/12/2021 15:18

Bollocks to that,

"No thank you."

Is all that is required.

rookiemere · 27/12/2021 15:56

It may sound harsh but your relative made the choice to marry this person. You did not, nor did your family, so don't feel too obligated ti spoil Christmas by spending it with them, particularly as the DCs are getting older and more aware.

sweatervest · 27/12/2021 16:02

also the sarah parrish character in w1a ... i often morph into her and say "i don't want that" - in a sarah parrish voice. she's teh QUEEN of "i don't want that" and no one else knows that i am quoting her but it's a fabulous way that she says it and then i don't feel rude about not wanting something.

alternatively, you could listen to a good idea of how to get out of the holiday. presents like that are irksome and not really a present.

(i thought i'd remind you of what you already know)

Dozer · 27/12/2021 16:02

Not at all ‘ironic’ that the person booking is the one whose behaviour is toxic. This is part of the toxic behaviour. Sounds like their partner has chosen to stay with that person and to enable their behaviour - their choice - and that others are acting out of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).

Say no, to this and any future things involving time commitment that weren’t agreed in advance with everyone involved.

And indeed say no to xmas plans if it’s not enjoyable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2021 17:15

@bitofacowbag

Thank you all so so much. I’m not as unreasonable as I thought, clearly!

To answer a few questions, we have put up with it to keep our relative (booker’s spouse) happy. They are older and in ill health and they also have to deal with this person daily (though why they do I’m honestly not sure as I know they’re horrible to live with) so it’s always been for them and to make things easier for them as much as we hate it. We do the same with spending Christmas with them even though we are gritting our teeth the entire time and would honestly rather be anywhere else.

The children have only just become of compulsory school age so it’s never been an issue until this past year.

I’m going to put my big girl pants on and follow all of your great advice. Thanks again

In what way does you and your relatives being subjected to bullying make your older relative happy? I'm sure they're pleased to see you, but really - does it make them happy to watch you all being bullied?

Have you considered that all of you turning up year after year for this abuse may convince your elderly relative that their spouse's behaviour is not abusive, because surely all their relatives wouldn't put up with that? And so they doubt themselves and their own judgement, and stay in this undoubtedly unhappy relationship thinking that it must be them in the wrong rather than the bullying spouse?

MargosKaftan · 27/12/2021 17:19

Its worth thinking that the relative who is the bookers spouse chose to marry them and continues to chose to stay with them. They are chosing this person and must like being in their marriage to stay. You don't need to pander.

maddy68 · 27/12/2021 17:25

"as you know I have limited holidays and I want to use them for other purposes this year that's why I asked you not to include me in your plans this year.

Thank you for the very kind offer and I hope you all have a great time "

BasiliskStare · 27/12/2021 17:43

Good Luck @bitofacowbag - If it were me I would just say - Oh I had told we could not make it on x date , but thank you for the invitation - All have a lovely time . Bit x

& now you have a good 11 months to turn down Christmas if you don't like that either

lborgia · 27/12/2021 18:05

Woah, woah, WOAH!

Can everyone stop being so awful about the spouse? FFS.

Do you truly think that everyone who continues to live with an abuser is there from choice? Especially with an older relative, they will not feel they have any choice, and need compassion, not dismissing.

Horrible things to say. If you've never been in an abusive marriage, you have no clue how you end up with no self-will, and even worse, if you're older, and in ill health, the idea that you could leave/ live a different life, must seem impossible.

Awful judgements.

Ericaequites · 27/12/2021 18:30

No is a complete sentence.

MargosKaftan · 27/12/2021 22:16

@Iborgia - the spouse has a choice. The OP has had years of this. Playing along so the nice spouse doesn't need to face the unpleasantness is not a kindness in the long term. But also acknowledging the role of an enabler is important. If there's money and family who are supportive to help leave, then it is a choice to stay.

lborgia · 28/12/2021 00:49

It really isn't. Lack of money and support are not the only reason people stay in bad relationships.

We have no idea of their set up, or whether she's a victim or an enabler, but it is absolutely not as cut and dried as saying -

she has a choice
she is an enabler
if she has the money she should leave
if she has support she should leave

This might work in your head. It might even be your lived experience, but honestly, it sounds like victim blaming and as if you have f all knowledge of the subject.

OP, I agree with a PP who said you're not actually doing anyone any favours by going along with the plan, it absolutely gives him explicit and implicit permission to continue being an arse.

skodadoda · 28/12/2021 07:25

@bitofacowbag

Thank you all so so much. I’m not as unreasonable as I thought, clearly!

The children have only just become of compulsory school age so it’s never been an issue until this past year.

I’m going to put my big girl pants on and follow all of your great advice. Thanks again

Does this person realise that you can be fined for taking your children out to school without authorisation? This is your get out clause.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 08:26

Spouse of person whose behaviour is awful may well be both a victim and an ‘enabler’.

It’s often unhelpful for wider family to be complicit in complying with the difficult family member’s wishes out of FOG of ‘for mum’ (for example). That’s all part of dysfunctional dynamics and may well not help the spouse anyway.

FinallyHere · 28/12/2021 16:12

he does not care or is utterly oblivious

This has worked well for him, so he will continue to ignore your opinions secure in the knowledge that you will continue to turn up anyway.

Might be successful tactic to use with a toddler (I wont put my socks on)

Once you are an adult, you really do need to stick with your word. It will feel enormous the first time you do it but will become routine and even accepted that you ... well, stick to your word.

That is a good place to be.

wellstopdoingitthen · 28/12/2021 17:39

@lborgia

Woah, woah, WOAH!

Can everyone stop being so awful about the spouse? FFS.

Awful judgements.

Very wise words.

Foxylass · 28/12/2021 17:40

Of course you do not have to go! Well done for knowing it and good luck! Hopefully other members of the group will see you deciding not to be bullied and they might change their plans too.

Let us know how you get on.

WTAFhappened123 · 28/12/2021 17:41

Grow up and say no!

Vynalbob · 28/12/2021 18:00

YANBU

I am a miserable unsociable so n so but this year you have the perfect excuse/solid reason for turning it down....
you told them
covid
kids had too much time off this year.

just say no

Mumkins42 · 28/12/2021 18:08

This is absolutely gifting as a means of control and feels coercive. I've been working on asserting my boundaries lately as it's something I have not been great at. Based on all I have learnt on this, I assure you that you are perfectly reasonable to say I won't be able to make it this time but thanks for thinking of me. You owe no explanation, you don't need to apologise, you owe nothing other than striving to be decent and non aggressive in your communication. Just say no and realise that guilt is something other people put on you when you aren't meeting THEIR needs.

yzed · 28/12/2021 18:10

It took me a long time to realise that some people actually get pleasure from making other people's lives uncomfortable/a misery.

No more excuses. If I said to you, "I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it." what would your advice be? (I hope you recognise your own words.)

I don't really approve of making excuses, especially if there's a risk that the person changes something so that the excuse no longer stands. But I would say that after so much disruption and awfulness I really must prioritise the children and their education. I told you I wouldn't be able to go if you arranged it again, and that stands.
Then let that be a full stop. End of ANY DISCUSSION. "I've said all I have to say." And then leave. Become the sensitive one who people have to step carefully around, if that's what it takes. And perhaps click onto this site now and again for reassurance/strength/encouragement, if you need to feel someone's on your side.

Good luck. And stop letting this Horrible Person spoil your one life and the few years you have with your children.

MeredithGreyishblue · 28/12/2021 18:18

It's not an excuse to say you can't pull children out of school. You can't! *It's your perfect get out. And they were warned!

*I have be known to on the odd occasion but it IS frowned upon.

cherish123 · 28/12/2021 18:21

Just say no. Either make an excuse or be honest.

Branleuse · 28/12/2021 18:26

Id say "im assuming this is a mistake as i said quite clearly months ago to not include me. I still have the messages, but we wont be participating this year so i hope you havent wasted too much money"

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