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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 27/12/2021 04:43

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it.

OK but despite saying you don't want to go, for all these years you've always ended up going anyway.

Make this the year you say no and mean it. They (parent?) clearly don't take to subtle hints so it's time to make it clear you are.not.going end of story. Don't be polite with people who are controlling and overbearing, they don't deserve it. They aren't being generous, they're wanting to impose their will on you, an adult.

The reason it's dragged on is because you haven't said no and meant it.

If there a bit of FOMO* in there, then remind yourself how much you hate being bundled into a chalet or whatever and have no peace and quiet or privacy. My idea of hell!

  • Fear of Missing Out
TiddlesTheTiger · 27/12/2021 04:55

YADNBU

Don't make an excuse.
You've told them not to book for you, because you're not going to go.
End of.
(Repeat as necessary)

BarbaraofSeville · 27/12/2021 05:16

@StrangerYears

The borders with Western Australia have been in hard lockdown since this Covid thing began and until now they have lived a normal life- no lockdowns, no remote schooling. So kids there have missed no school
Which is entirely irrelevant to the OPs situation Confused

OP, I agree it's time to make a stand. Tell this person that you aren't going, as previously advised. Cite school and work as part of the reason, if you have school age DC you can't go away during term time, end of.

But don't bring COVID into it as the ridiculous excuse de jour of those who don't have a backbone. No need and is about as believable and hackneyed as 'the dog ate my homework'.

It's going to cause a huge fallout but what's the alternative, the entire extended family is forced to holiday against their will for time immemorial?

Let's hope you speaking up at the early stage will cause the booker to reconsider while they can still cancel and before they're sitting in a large holiday property all alone.

User2638483 · 27/12/2021 05:21

Tbh even if you did want to go, j wouldn’t be taking the kids out of school for that! If in England you could also be facing a fine

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2021 06:05

Nope. No way would I be taking kids out of school after everything they’ve missed over the past 2 years. This is weird and controlling.

canary1 · 27/12/2021 06:59

You’ve already said not to include you. So just remind them- sorry as I said back in October, we can’t go. Have a lovely time.

It’s really controlling behaviour, it’s a gift for that person, not you. They are taking the gift of your annual leave!

TwilightSkies · 27/12/2021 07:05

Nope just a straight NO then stay away from whoever the horrible person is.
And if they sulk and give you the silent treatment? So what?

PostChristmasSwapShop · 27/12/2021 07:08

@bitofacowbag either he does not care or is utterly oblivious it doesn't matter what goes on in his head. Unless he is also going to be paying men with guns ro kidnap you and your family on the first day of the holiday (in which case please call the police, that's kidnapping and is illegal), your consent is still required. Let him neoblivious if he chooses. Do not pack a suitcase. Do not travel. You can't have a holiday without your consent and active participation in the arrangements.

Meraas · 27/12/2021 07:10

@BluebellsGreenbells

And no, nobody wants to go (we were discussing it yesterday after the fact) but everyone else is more of the belief to just put up with it

Who’s saying this? DH? Children?

Any reason you can’t let them go without you and stay home instead?

Sounds to me like it’s OP’s dad who books it and her and her siblings and their partners who don’t want to go.
LouLou198 · 27/12/2021 07:11

Sounds awful, and such a waste of your precious annual leave! I would hate for someone to make plans on my behalf like this. I would just say dc have missed enough school and you are unable to get the week off work.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 27/12/2021 07:13

Its Christmas, I just don't see a problem with these types of holidays. Someone else is paying and you just need to get on for two weeks in a really nice place. I'm with the person booking TBH!

Two whole weeks sharing a cabin with anyone sounds like a nightmare, especially if this person expects to control what everyone does while they’re there.

DixieSun · 27/12/2021 07:14

The DCs have missed enough school. Thanks anyway but as we said a few months ago, we won't be coming this year.

Also Zammo being a snack head is making me laugh more than it should. Christmas is turning me into one too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2021 07:15

one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around

It's not ironic, it's planned that way. The person has been incredibly rude when you said not to. So you can be too.

EerieSilence · 27/12/2021 07:21

Just say no.
I know myself and DH would be going mad, having to stay in a cabin with 15 other people, we prefer doing our own thing and DD hates missing school.

ememem84 · 27/12/2021 07:25

Either just say no. Or just don’t go. You told them that you weren’t to be included. So just don’t go.

Eddielzzard · 27/12/2021 07:32

Absolutely don't go. It's not your fault if he won't listen. You did tell him before he booked. No, not your problem, no you won't be going.

AnnaSW1 · 27/12/2021 07:33

It's not a gift, it's a power play.

Russelhobskettle · 27/12/2021 07:39

Another vote for just say no, otherwise you'll be stuck doing these holidays for years to come. "Nice thought but I told you to leave us out of the next trip. We won't be coming." Rinse and repeat, don't get dragged into why's and wherefores.

FrankGrillosWrist · 27/12/2021 07:43

Sounds like torture! Why do you put yourself through it? Only you can put a stop to this.

MargosKaftan · 27/12/2021 07:44

Don't even feel guilty about it- they have shown they don't care about your feelings so no need to be polite about it, send a quick message - "As I told you back in October not to include us, dh the kids and I won't be going on the group holiday. I do wish you'd listened and not wasted your money. I hope you have a nice time." Then to the rest of the group (you can send individual messages rather than a big group thing) "Just to let you know we won't be joining the group cabin holiday this year. I told [difficult relative] back in October not to include us if they booked it again but they decided to do that anyway, we don't enjoy it and the children have already missed a lot of time from school. Hope you have a nice time."

Just don't go. Keep saying you won't go. Other might get brave too.

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 07:48

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it.

So, say no and mean it this time, and rinse and repeat ad nauseum.

zafferana · 27/12/2021 07:49

YANBU at all! But the only thing that is going to stop this self-centred bully from including you in future is to waste their money this time by not going. Hit them where it will hurt - in the pocket. @MargosKaftan gives a very good answer above and I suggest you use it. Don't keep on going along with this holiday or it will never end! This relative has learned they can get a group holiday if they make it a fait accompli, so prove them wrong and don't go this time. I suspect this person is so unpleasant that this is the only way they can actually get anyone to go away with them.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/12/2021 07:52

I wouldn't be taking the kids out if school , this has to stop now
This is the most extreme martyring I've seen on mumsnet so far

Goatsaregreat · 27/12/2021 07:53

Hope you're planning your negative response OP? A week is a long time for someone else to dictate what you and your family do for a holiday - and taking children out of school after all the time they've missed is unacceptable.
I presume this is a parent and you are still in child mode and feel unable to say no? Time to use one of the responses suggested upthread and to free yourselves from this unwanted week.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/12/2021 07:55

@CurlyhairedAssassin

And what do you say to someone who then asks what the reasons are?
I've discovered that I dont really rate group holidays, despite liking everyone in the group.

I want to spend my paid leave with my own family only.

I dont want to.