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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 27/12/2021 00:36

If you are anywhere in the world other than Western Australia, then the children not missing any education would be my excuse for anything and everything until the last one finishes school.

That would be my hard line and nothing and no one bar hospital admissions would make me change it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2021 00:39

God, no, don’t use school as an excuse. What if he changes the date to fit in with school? You just need to say that you prefer to holiday just with your immediate household so you won’t be coming.

AngelonTopoftheTree · 27/12/2021 00:40

Echoing others here, just say No, thanks. We won't be going.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/12/2021 00:42

And no, nobody wants to go (we were discussing it yesterday after the fact) but everyone else is more of the belief to just put up with it

Who’s saying this? DH? Children?

Any reason you can’t let them go without you and stay home instead?

PersonaNonGarter · 27/12/2021 00:49

Don’t use school as an excuse. You don’t need an excuse.

‘Thank you but for various reasons we can’t be with you this year. Have a wonderful trip’.

Never give the reasons, or the reasons get picked apart and judged or, worse, argued with.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2021 00:51

everyone else is more of the belief to just put up with it

They’re welcome to.
You don’t have to.

Look at it this way. When you give your DC an ultimatum/warning of consequence, do you follow through? If so, why? Because you want to be respected in the future,

DC disrespects boundary; you enforce previously communicated boundary.

This is the same, but parenting upwards. You told (I assume) your father that you didn’t want to attend a family holiday this year. Hr booked anyway. Therefore you cannot come.

Any fallout is his issue to deal with. You’re just politely declining the opportunity because you’d already set that boundary and it’s important to stick to it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2021 00:52

And what do you say to someone who then asks what the reasons are?

Babyfg · 27/12/2021 00:55

Who is this person in your life? Is it a family member that controls that pays for a lot of things for you or a random friend? Would that be able to cut the 'generosity' off in a way that would affect your life?

Pallisers · 27/12/2021 01:00

"Oh I'm so sorry but we won't be going. I did tell you several months ago that we wouldn't."

And repeat.

If they ask but why?????

"Honestly I don't enjoy these group holidays" or "It doesn't suit at all"

repeat.

no one can make you go on holidays with them. just say no. if you have a dh problem, then tell him to organise the time of school and take the kids but you aren't going.

I am far more relaxed than many on MN about family but NO WAY would I have someone dictate my holidays to me and NO WAY would I spend it in one cabin with other family members.

greenlynx · 27/12/2021 01:10

Of course you shouldn’t go, just tell what @Pallisers suggested preferably with other people present, don’t tell one to one and don’t give any particular reasons.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2021 01:17

That's not a gift. That's someone buying friendship.

gsaoej · 27/12/2021 01:28

Dear [name of controlling person]

I let you know in [October] not to include me and my children in your [March] trip booking. As I said before, we will not be attending.

Enjoy the trip

OP

Seriously find your assertiveness and stop this fucker controlling you.

NumberTheory · 27/12/2021 01:38

You told them two months ago not to include you and DC?

That’s incredibly controlling of them and not at all well meaning.

I would respond, probably fairly publicly, along the lines of: “as I told you a few weeks ago, it’s not something we want to do this year. So we won’t be coming but I do hope you have a great time.”

ddl1 · 27/12/2021 01:39

Surely you can use (1) Covid; (2) children's schooling as arguments for not having 15 people in one cabin (sounds like hell at any time!) shortly before the school term is about to start?

ddl1 · 27/12/2021 01:40

Or is this something that's not happening immediately? If so, you can still say 'thanks but no thanks'.

lborgia · 27/12/2021 01:50

“I’m sorry, I wish I could, but I don’t want to”.

RantyAunty · 27/12/2021 01:51

Is this a relative?

I think you're going to have to tell them you're not interested in going.
You've tried telling them not to include you but they aren't listening.

Tell them you don't really enjoy those types of holidays and you aren't interested in going.

It's a shame those types don't get polite and you have to be a little more less polite and direct with them.

Ticksallboxes · 27/12/2021 01:58

I'm going to buck the trend on this thread because my MIL has done this for a couple of years.

She's wealthy but a difficult person, but is very much into "getting the whole family together" type scenarios.

The first time we went it was a bit stressful but she'd booked a lovely place in France and we all had a lovely time despite DCs being very different ages etc. The second time got cancelled due to Covid-19 but I actually felt really bad that it couldn't go ahead. Yet my DH and his two siblings were overjoyed!

Its Christmas, I just don't see a problem with these types of holidays. Someone else is paying and you just need to get on for two weeks in a really nice place. I'm with the person booking TBH!

PrincessNutella · 27/12/2021 02:10

I'm guessing this is a parent or an in-law. One of the problems is that you are having to use up some of your limited holiday time for these ventures. You do have a right not to spend your holidays as you choose.

BasiliskStare · 27/12/2021 02:19

I do think cannot take children out of school is a reasonable reason for not going. If they change the dates then maybe a different conversation.

thank them for the invitation but point them back to where you said DCs and you would not be going.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 27/12/2021 03:12

"Thanks for the offer but as I've already explained, we won't be joining you this year. Have a good time"

Don't give it any further headspace. You have already clearly told this person that no longer want to be included, so at this point you have no need to feel guilty. This person sounds pig headed and controlling.

Queeen · 27/12/2021 03:19

Is this your parent trying to get all their children and grandchildren under one roof?

Just say no.

Muchmorethan · 27/12/2021 03:30

@TheSandgroper

If you are anywhere in the world other than Western Australia, then the children not missing any education would be my excuse for anything and everything until the last one finishes school.

That would be my hard line and nothing and no one bar hospital admissions would make me change it.

Western Australia?
StrangerYears · 27/12/2021 03:51

The borders with Western Australia have been in hard lockdown since this Covid thing began and until now they have lived a normal life- no lockdowns, no remote schooling. So kids there have missed no school

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 27/12/2021 04:14

Presumably you are an adult?

Just say No!

(Zammo didn’t say no and ended up a snack head)