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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
Jisforjuggling · 27/12/2021 09:53

@Sally872 perfect response.

FrenchBoule · 27/12/2021 09:58

Just don’t show and that’s it.

Holidays are supposed to be nice and relaxed time.

If somebody’s offended? So what,you have asked and they didn’t listen.

TheOccupier · 27/12/2021 10:02

Are you in the UK? There are potential financial/legal consequences for pulling children out of school for a week, surely?

Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 10:02

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

Well then you say as I mentioned previously we aren't going to be able to come!

SpanielsAreMyLife · 27/12/2021 10:09

Don't back down. Send an email or text to say "There must have been some confusion because I clearly told you 2 months ago not to include the children and myself this time. We are still unable to come, and hope the rest of you all have a lovely time".

HoneyItAlreadyDid · 27/12/2021 10:10

In this situation I’d be tempted to just smile and nod, but decide myself there will be some kind of “problem” the week of the trip, maybe you or a DC will be ill, maybe an important work thing will come up, maybe there will be some sort of urgent house issue that needs tackled.

That way you know you won’t be going, you don’t need to deal with the confrontation of saying you won’t be going and there isn’t really anything anyone can say when the emergency comes up at the last minute.

I would also repeat before future trips are booked that you and the DC don’t want to go and then repeat the above if that is ignored and you are again included. If they don’t respect your truth then there is no need to engage with them on an honest level.

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 10:11

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

"Hi Relative - as we discussed 2 months ago, we won't be able to make the holiday this time, but hope you all have fun, bye, Bitofa"

Sorted.
Just tell it like it is, & do not JADE -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 10:18

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it.

You don't need an excuse my dear.
You just say you are not going this year. End of story.

It's telling that the person causing all this misery is the one booking the unwelcome bloody holiday. Throwing money around to make it happen, because nobody wants to be with them voluntarily - it's all about control, & currently the group dynamic is that everybody else goes along with it, hating it, & waiting for it to be over.

It's like a kind of black magic - this groupthink of "we must all go along with Holiday Booker" ... nobody finishes that thought with the OBVIOUS "or what?" - because you've all accepted it as inevitable.

It isn't.
What's the worst Booker can do when you don't go?
There'll likely be a bit of raging at the loss of your obedience & Booker's control - so what? You don't have to listen to it. How they feel about it isn't your responsibility, & you don't have to pay then any attention.

Stick to your guns. And btw - once you opt out, you'll see that more people follow suit next year.

Gargellen · 27/12/2021 10:27

The best thing is to do nothing and say nothing. If a direct question is asked such as are you packed? Say that you assumed that as you have said you won't be going, that was understood and that you have not made any arrangements.

Someone needs to break this trend and it looks like it needs to be you OP and that is just utter shit.

WimpoleHat · 27/12/2021 10:30

@ANameChangeAgain

"Sorry, but I did tell you not to include us. The children have missed too much school already, so we cannot take them out for a week."
This. On repeat….
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 10:36

In this situation I’d be tempted to just smile and nod, but decide myself there will be some kind of “problem” the week of the trip, maybe you or a DC will be ill, maybe an important work thing will come up, maybe there will be some sort of urgent house issue that needs tackled.

Why bother? All OP has to say is "I told you not to include us, we won't be going". What I don't really understand is why, with the ready-made excuse of school termtime already available, OP hasn't refused before.

Fizzbangwallop · 27/12/2021 10:38

@bitofacowbag the first time you say a firm no to this request will be the most difficult. What are you scared of? What’s the worst that can happen?

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. There was a large family holiday booked and planned. I refused to go and several family members kicked off about it. I ignored all the tantrums and discussions about letting people down, being selfish etc etc. They got over it eventually.

You need to keep saying no we won’t be joining you, no matter how much they insist you must. If the holiday controller doesn’t speak to you again (unlikely), that sounds like a good thing to me! Smile

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2021 10:40

On a recent thread I was on, someone used the phrase 'favour sharking' (I had to look it up) which I think applies perfectly to your situation @bitofacowbag.

Favour sharking is the practice of doing an unsolicited and unwanted favour (or giving an unsolicited and unwanted gift) purely in order to create a sense of obligation/indebtedness to the person doing the 'favour'. The shark will then call in the 'favour' at a later date, and the recipient will feel obliged to accede to their request.

There's a nice description of how it is used here in a book by Jennifer Lombardo called "Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence". That's a bit of a clue as to the type of person who favour sharks, eh?

Anyway, you told them "less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged." So that puts you well in the clear. Just put a puzzled expression on, put the phrase 'I told you months ago not to!' on repeat and stand firm.

And always keep in mind that this holiday-from-hell is not a gift (it's not even intended as a gift) but yet another attempt to put you under obligation to this "rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around" person because they like to exercise control over you and the rest of the group (family?). Don't let them do that to you.

ilssagain · 27/12/2021 10:54

Just message them and say,
"As I told you 2 months ago, we aren't able to come. Enjoy your holiday"
That's it.
No explaining, no apologizing, no excuses, nothing.
Statement of fact.
Whatever they then say to you or message, keep repeating the same thing.
"No, we won't be coming. I told you that 2 months ago".
If it all gets too much block them temporarily on your phone.

They can't actually kidnap you all and force you on the plane or to wherever it is you are going.
Their problem if they booked a holiday including you and have therefore wasted their money on your places. You said no and they rode roughshod over your boundaries.

They can get tae fuck.

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 11:16

I would not be including the not taking children out of school thing. DO NOT give the person any hook to hang any kind of discussion or argument on....just "As I said, we are not doing that"

Palavah · 27/12/2021 11:24

If someone behaved as though I was going to do something I'd expressly told them i would not be doing and they acknowledged that, then my first reaction if they did it anyway would be surprise and confusion.

rookiemere · 27/12/2021 12:45

Zero way I'd let my DC miss a week of school for that. If they genuinely wanted a fun family holiday they would have checked school dates first as it gives you such an easy out.

TeloMere · 27/12/2021 12:54

As you've tried to get out of the holidays before, and then given in, the person probably thinks the same thing will happen again. So as PPs have said, don't make an excuse, just state that you won't be going.

Cocomarine · 27/12/2021 12:59

If ever there was a year when you could say you don’t want children missing yet more school 🤷🏻‍♀️
But you don’t need an excuse.
I’m honestly surprised that the children’s other parent has gone along with this 3x!
No way would I have wanted my children to miss school for it, especially if I knew my partner didn’t even want to go!

Georgeskitchen · 27/12/2021 14:15

Gosh this sounds awful!! I wonder why you ( and all the others involved) keep putting up with it? If you all band together and say none of you are going, the booker might just get the hint 😉

RedToothBrush · 27/12/2021 14:26

"I'm sorry but I said I didn't want to go. You paying for it knowing this is actually rude and manipulative to guilt me into feeling I have to go. I am deeply upset that you decided to ignore what I said. Its disrespectful"

Say it in a group chat with the others. If they are all feeling the same, it will make them squirm. If they kick off, call them out on their duplicity and lack of spine.

Honestly, if its causing you that much misery in the run up, just be honest and confront it head on. Especially seeing as no one else has the guts to.

Original poster
bitofacowbag · 27/12/2021 14:41

Thank you all so so much. I’m not as unreasonable as I thought, clearly!

To answer a few questions, we have put up with it to keep our relative (booker’s spouse) happy. They are older and in ill health and they also have to deal with this person daily (though why they do I’m honestly not sure as I know they’re horrible to live with) so it’s always been for them and to make things easier for them as much as we hate it. We do the same with spending Christmas with them even though we are gritting our teeth the entire time and would honestly rather be anywhere else.

The children have only just become of compulsory school age so it’s never been an issue until this past year.

I’m going to put my big girl pants on and follow all of your great advice. Thanks again

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 14:42

Well done. Keep us posted with the reaction. Stay strong.

zafferana · 27/12/2021 14:43

Yayyy! Good for you OP and glad you're taking the advice of the MN massive Grin

Goatsaregreat · 27/12/2021 14:55

Well done OP. Time to prioritise your children and yourselves. And perhaps next year also have a Christmas that centres you and your children rather than this nasty individual. It's worth remembering that people never change if they never have to face the consequences of their unpleasant behaviour. Flowers

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