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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 27/12/2021 09:02

Nothing wrong right saying, no thanks I don't want to go.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2021 09:03

Agree with pp.

I told you not to include us. We are not going.

And stick to it.

He chose to ignore you. Assuming he would just bully you into it as usual. Possibly your thoughts / his argument is he's spent the money, it'll be wasted.

Well, tough. He chose to waste it.

It's also a waste of it every year you've gone and hated it.

I bet if you have the guts to stick to not going, you'll find the others follow suit and hopefully in the end, nobody will go.

I'm assuming this is your dad or grandad, something like this.

You sound scared of him. He has no control except for the control you hand over!

ifonly4 · 27/12/2021 09:03

Our school would refuse your DC being out of school for a week. Either way, you have to put your foot down and say no.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 09:05

Even if you hadn't already said not to include you, I would simply flat-out refuse to take my children out of school. Why should they miss more education, especially after all they've missed over the last two years? Why should you pay the fines?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2021 09:05

Not unreasonable at at. It sounds like they'll push back so don't give reasons because they'll just use this to make it harder for you.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 27/12/2021 09:07

It's not a gift, it's a power play. @AnnaSW1 is right, and you need to say 'no, I already told you, just two months ago, we're not going'. Then tell everybody else too that you're not going this year and maybe everyone else will find the courage to say no too.

Your life, your choices - they can't force you into the car / onto the plane!

cushioncovers · 27/12/2021 09:08

There are no magic answers op. You will just have to take a deep breath and say no thank you we aren't coming. And just repeat this. I finally learnt to just say no in my forties and it's very liberating.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 27/12/2021 09:10

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

That's all you need.
Say; 'it doesn't work for us, we already said no'.
Rinse and repeat.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/12/2021 09:11

I've already given excuses for previous years but either he does not care or is utterly oblivious (I think the former)

There is a polite way to refuse this kind of gift from a controlling person. It is "no thank you, as I said in September we wont be coming" repeated as often as necessary. Don't give in, no matter what the other person says. Don't make excuses or even give reasons because a controlling person will use them against you. Saying that you can't take the children out of school will not work if you have taken them out of school before. If you tell the truth and say that you didn't enjoy it then your relative will tell you (and everyone else!) that the children enjoyed it and that you are selfish. (Don't drag the children into it by saying they didn't enjoy it) Do not mention your mental health. No excuses and reasons. If they get angry or blame you then repeat the above and end the conversation.

If you say no at first and then give way a controlling person learns that you will give way if they ignore your refusal or keep on insisting. And that's what they do. So what you need now is a plain refusal, politely set and firmly stuck to. It can be very hard to do but it is the only thing that work. And it does get easier after you have done it and held to it a couple of times. You will gain confidence, and many controlling people will do less pushing when they already know that you wont give way no matter what they say.

BringMeTea · 27/12/2021 09:14

I find it is often the case that people go along with stuff like this as the OG (fil?) is wealthy and they don't want to risk being disinherited. Could this be the case here?

JuergenSchwarzwald · 27/12/2021 09:16

@ANameChangeAgain

"Sorry, but I did tell you not to include us. The children have missed too much school already, so we cannot take them out for a week."
Yes, this is the perfect reason.

And if it's school holidays "we've already made our own plans for that week".

SheWoreYellow · 27/12/2021 09:17

@ifonly4

Our school would refuse your DC being out of school for a week. Either way, you have to put your foot down and say no.
You can still take them out though, it would just go down as an unauthorised absence.

I would just be truthful though. Just say you need your own space these days, so shared accommodation doesn’t work for you.

Lockdownbear · 27/12/2021 09:19

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Presumably you are an adult?

Just say No!

(Zammo didn’t say no and ended up a snack head)

Need to be a certain vintage to get that - Just say No!
Cuck00soup · 27/12/2021 09:20

Lower level but a similar tactic. FIL used to pull a similar trick over faaamily meals. He’d phone up and invite us round for a BBQ or similar after inviting extended family. Except it was a summons not an invitation. Didn’t matter if our dinner was already in the oven, we had plans or were in the middle of doing something with DC. “I’ve gone to a lot of effort and everyone is here, you have to come”

We are now NC. The thing was, he wouldn’t ever engage us in conversation, so it wasn’t about our company. it was all about him collecting us up in the right location, like toy soldiers on a battle plan.

Your relative almost certainly won’t like no either, or won’t hear it and so I agree with PP don’t give an excuse because it will be dismissed. Just say no and keep saying no.

Brainwave89 · 27/12/2021 09:23

I personally find it difficult to spend loads of time with family members I do not like, and even the ones I do, I need to be in control of how I spend the time. So I generally stop in hotels rather than people’s houses, and if I go on holiday with anyone, I am always clear that I will need some personal time and space and preferably some separation in accommodation. It seems to me that you are paying for this trip, in the loss of control of where, when and how you take a holiday. For me, this would be too big a cost and it would leave me unable to enjoy any of it. As a result, I would politely but firmly decline.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 09:24

Say no, be strong.
I’ve been bought tickets for a gig, in another city, that I don’t want to go to. So I’m not going.
Maybe next time they will ask what I want rather than assume. Or better still, not get me anything so I don’t feel bad about something I don’t want.

AnotherDayAnotherDisappointme · 27/12/2021 09:28

A holiday is a time to relax. If it isn't relaxing, it isn't a holiday. Say sorry, the kids have missed enough school in the last 2 years of lockdown etc.
If you want to compromise, you could go for the weekend rather than the full week, but if you've already said no, just keep saying no, sorry, you can't make it, you can't miss school/work/friend's birthday etc.

PuppyMonkey · 27/12/2021 09:28

Hope you don’t go OP. This aside, I’m enjoying all the random references to Zammo and the education of Western Australians on this thread.Grin

I’m also getting strong Logan Roy vibes from the OP’s predicament, for any Succession fans.Wink

ChiefStockingStuffer · 27/12/2021 09:28

@ANameChangeAgain

"Sorry, but I did tell you not to include us. The children have missed too much school already, so we cannot take them out for a week."
Repeat ad nauseum. Without the 'sorry'.
Bellafrenum · 27/12/2021 09:33

Not sure if I am missing something - why on Earth would you go?? What kind of hold does this person have over you where you go through a miserable week and take your kids out of school (technically against the law) for no reason apart from they told you to? Bizarre.

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 09:38

@Bellafrenum

Not sure if I am missing something - why on Earth would you go?? What kind of hold does this person have over you where you go through a miserable week and take your kids out of school (technically against the law) for no reason apart from they told you to? Bizarre.
this
bucketsoflove · 27/12/2021 09:41

You don't have to go. It's ok not to be bullied into something you don't want to do.

The others in the group might make a different decision but you need to do what's best for you.

That might not be easy - to say no and really mean it, but it is ok to do that.

Your family member is being controlling, has ignored your wishes not to be included, is trying to dictate use of your time and your money (pet sitters etc), and is trying to interfere with your DC schooling. You have your own boundaries, they have crossed them, so you can dig deep and say no.
You don't need excuses, you've already told them not to include you so just remind them of that and don't engage any further.

thewhatsit · 27/12/2021 09:45

I assume it’s family?

But yes, use the children and school as the excuse. After all the lockdowns you are really not ok with taking the children out of the school voluntarily / as they get older it gets more and more important for them not to miss a week / the week they missed last year was quite awkward, you got in trouble with the school and your DC were sad to not be there. Sorry but term time holidays just don’t work for us anymore.

Sally872 · 27/12/2021 09:46

You've already said no so it is a matter of reminding them you said no rather than anything new. This also highlights that the booked it knowing you weren't going.

"Hi xxxx, just a reminder we can't make holiday this year (we discussed this at xxxx but assume you've forgotten). Hope you all have a lovely time"

HideousKinky · 27/12/2021 09:49

And no, nobody wants to go but everyone else is more of the belief to just put up with it

As long as this continues to be the response he gets, he will continue to do it, year after year. He will only get the message when you all start refusing to turn up