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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just say no to gift of group holiday?

201 replies

bitofacowbag · 26/12/2021 23:13

NC because I probably am being U

It's been booked as a surprise, but for the 4th year in a row so not really a surprise (just not checked with any of us in advance). Never goes well, one person (ironically the one booking and surprising the rest of us) is rude and argumentative and very difficult to be around. It's also so difficult to arrange time off work, pet sitters, and it's never during holidays so the children are taking a week off school too.

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it. It's hell being 15 people in one cabin for a week with no escape, walking on eggshells because that one person is always finding fault in everything and ready to cause problems.

I've even said before, less than 2 months ago, not to include my children and I in future bookings (knowing that again it would be booked as a surprise) and this wasn't well received but it was acknowledged.

It's quite an expensive trip for the person who booked it but I just cannot grin and bear it anymore. It's a miserable week and I'm always anxious in the weeks and months leading up to it.

AIBU to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 27/12/2021 07:58

BTW - it can be very hard in a family if everyone has been raised to believe one difficult person has to be pandered to to realise you don't. So once you drop out, others might too. If you say "I told xxx in advance not to include me and to check with everyone if they wanted to go and if they could get the time off work /school before booking. I dont think I should feel guilty at all about the wasted money when they didn't bother to do that." Give the rest of them an "out".

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2021 07:59

You don't owe this person - or anyone - a week of your life, let alone your dcs.

My MIL keeps trying this, presenting us with bookings. I won't have it - incredibly disrespectful of my and my DH's work, which requires careful planning around set dates, and if we can get a week free the last thing we would want is to be stuck in an inappropriate environment for the kids.

seriousandloyal · 27/12/2021 08:03

You have already told them not to include you - you've done the hard part already! If they have chosen to ignore that and book anyway that is their problem and not yours. Just say no, we won't be going as I explained last October or whenever it was. If they fall out with you over this they are the ones being unreasonable and it doesn't sound like it would be a big loss anyway so it's win win for you and you can actually enjoy your holiday time doing something you like. Don't cave OP, your feelings are important. Good luck x

whiteroseredrose · 27/12/2021 08:05

Over the years I've tried every excuse to politely turn these trips down, but I'm sick of it.

@Rampantivy hit the nail on the head. You've made excuses but have you actually said that you don't want to go?

There is no arguing around that.

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go and i did tell you.

Sorry if you can't get the deposit back but i did tell you. Why on earth did you book for us again when you knew we weren't coming etc.

malificent7 · 27/12/2021 08:12

This is utter madness...so 15 people hate this " holiday" but go anyway?!

WWTBCD · 27/12/2021 08:22

@NewtoHolland

I think be honest, as you want to shut down all future holidays with this set up. Yanbu at all and had already let them know you didn't want to go. You need to really clearly set that boundary and face out the awkwardness then enjoy your freedom from this situ that you hate :)
This ^ Don't use annual leave or kids school or being busy around the date as this gives the option to make changes this year or for future bookings.

Awkward as it is, you need to be really clear that you don't want to go, you've already told him this and you will not be going on any holidays in the future especially if you're not consulted.

SunshineCake1 · 27/12/2021 08:24

You all need to remind yourself you are adults and no one can make you do something like this unless you let them. Let him crack on and waste his money. Just don't go. Don't get in the car. Don't leave the house. Just don't go. It's not like he'll be a loss in your life when he kicks off and sulks like a toddler.

Dashel · 27/12/2021 08:25

If you don’t say no then you are going to be posting the same thing next year.

Say no, mean it and don’t back down for one last time as otherwise you will be moaning again next year.

Don’t use Covid as you need to make it clear that you won’t be going on this or any other group holidays ever.

Greydogs123 · 27/12/2021 08:28

If you asked not to be included then it’s no surprise to them, so you can just say you’re not going. Unless the person booking is going to hold a gun to your head they can’t force you to go!

TeloMere · 27/12/2021 08:31

I've already given excuses for previous years but either he does not care or is utterly oblivious (I think the former)

So if you gave excuses for previous years (and presumably didn't go) can't you do the same this time? Or just say no.
I don't understand why that should be difficult.

Tulips21 · 27/12/2021 08:32

@Mooloolabababy

Bollocks to that op. Just politely decline, you don't need to give a reason, just 'Ah, we're unable to make it this year' and if there's any pushback then 'well I did ask not to be included this year' and just repeat.
Agree
happytoday73 · 27/12/2021 08:33

Just use one of the brilliant replies above, don't further engage and don't go... It's that simple

diddl · 27/12/2021 08:34

So do you usually go or not?

Say no & don't go!

No one can make you.

Will there be repercussions?

GrandmasCat · 27/12/2021 08:38

I suppose this person is your FIL or your husband (if he is the golden child) otherwise you wouldn’t be pandering to it.

Are you afraid of the family fallout that will come with it? Yes, there will be one but at some point, even the most tolerant of people, have to say “enough”.

It takes guts to break toxic cycles and to deal with the aftermath so I would say that if you don’t feel strong enough to break it now, and your husband doesn’t have your back, you may need to put up with it for this year but start building your strength to break it next year. This may sound as if I am suggesting to shove the issue under the carpet, but it is not. It is far better to go into a difficult decision well prepared and armed with the right attitude (and back up) than have the final confrontation that ends all the problems before you are ready.

Bunce1 · 27/12/2021 08:38

I wonder if it is like a domino effect! You say no and then the others drop out too?

Misty84 · 27/12/2021 08:40

Don’t go, and don’t give excuses because they might not work next year.
Insane that this person booked for you when you’d already asked not to be included! Who does that?!?

Lalliella · 27/12/2021 08:44

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Presumably you are an adult?

Just say No!

(Zammo didn’t say no and ended up a snack head)

Snack head! 😂😂😂 I’m a snack head too, just can’t say no to them!

Rita is right though, you’ve got to say no. And don’t make excuses, just say as I said in October I won’t be going.

What does your DH/DP say? Presumably it’s FIL that organises this?

Caterinasballerinas · 27/12/2021 08:47

I’m inclined to think you said please don’t include me and so you now just have to say nothing and not go. However it depends how the big reveal was done as to whether it’s abundantly clear you’ve been ignored or whether there is a chance you could interpret it that the usual holiday is booked but you can assume they know you aren’t attending

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 08:48

I had to google Zammo. Never watched Grange Hill.

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 08:49

I have a phrase which is slightly rude but works like a charm

"I/we are not doing this.

rinse and repeat. No apologies or explanations.

MyOtherProfile · 27/12/2021 08:51

How old are your DC? Surely too old now to miss school?

tcjotm · 27/12/2021 08:53

Which is entirely irrelevant to the OPs situation

The poster said that not missing school was a perfectly reasonable excuse, unless you lived there (a place where it wouldn’t work). Given their user name, I found it quite amusing to suggest that it was almost a universal excuse.

I personally would go with iborgia’s response “I’m sorry, I wish I could, but I don’t want to”. When people lack the consideration to listen to you, making excuses is unnecessary. Those are for being polite. Why be polite to someone who is being manipulative?

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/12/2021 08:55

Tell them you can't go because it's wrong to take the kids out of school.

Juletide · 27/12/2021 08:58

Good old Zammo, that's really cheered me up.

RowsOfHolly · 27/12/2021 09:00

In terms of taking my children out of school I would be saying ‘I will not do this’ rather than ‘no thanks’.

It isn’t a ‘surprise holiday’ it is theft of your time and resources. No one had the fight to do this.

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