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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP acting insane?

274 replies

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:09

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

OP posts:

superlesbian · 27/12/2021 12:26

I would get rid. You already have a chronic illness and then his first thought when you are having an even tougher time of it with you and your DC ill, is not compassion but that this is the perfect opportunity to try and bully and control you more overtly. Beware of those who kick you when you're down. No one deserves that in a partner but those of us with chronic illnesses and other vulnerabilities need to be especially careful of these types.

superlesbian · 27/12/2021 12:40

I'm sorry I just got to your post where you explain you've just had a hip operation also?! He is truly horrible and this behaviour in this moment when you are extra vulnerable is such a massive red flag.
From another person dealing with chronic illness you deserve so so much better

Original poster

serenities · 27/12/2021 13:26

I don't know what to do.

He says it came from a good place. He says that something he knows works for him, is being pushed to do something and when he eventually does it he's glad to have been pushed originally. He said he tried to do the same for me.

That he thought I would want to do it for him, so that's why he made it about himself.

He has said he didn't think and regrets it and that it wouldn't happen again. He keeps saying he is hurt that he has tried to help, and has acted from a good place but I don't believe him.

OP posts:

tribpot · 27/12/2021 13:37

He keeps saying he is hurt that he has tried to help
This is the key, isn't it? Even now he's still not that bothered that he's offended you, not to mention massively disrespected you by insisting he was going to come round when you told him not to. It's still about him and how it has made him feel. You're now meant to feel guilty about your wild misinterpretation of his motives and he can get you to apologise to him, instead of the other way around.

He threatened to end the relationship because you said you wouldn't let him in if he turned up when you had expressly told him not to. Was that also part of his 'motivational technique'? No. It was a more blatant attempt to manipulate you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 13:59

@tribpot

He keeps saying he is hurt that he has tried to help This is the key, isn't it? Even now he's still not that bothered that he's offended you, not to mention massively disrespected you by insisting he was going to come round when you told him not to. It's still about him and how it has made him feel. You're now meant to feel guilty about your wild misinterpretation of his motives and he can get you to apologise to him, instead of the other way around.

This.

What's happened here is that you're in a relationship with a prick.

Luckily, you can change that. Off he fucks!

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 13:59

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and pretend that we believe he was just trying to be nice and help you and blah blah. It's irrelevant.

He doesn't care about you. He didn't care whether you or DS were ok. He just used you having some 'spare time' because your plans needed to be cancelled as an excuse to kick the boot in.

All he cared about were his feelings when he visits your house, and that you should be accommodating for him even when you're ill.

How do you feel about everything that happened? Would you be happy to live with him knowing he expects you to keep the house perfect for him no matter how unwell you are?

pointythings · 27/12/2021 14:01

If he was seriously coming from a good place, he would respect your boundaries. That includes accepting it when you say no to him coming around, accepting it when you tell him not to clean in your house and generally respecting your autonomy.

He would also understand that what works for him doesn't necessarily work for others.

But he doesn't want to understand any of those things - because he's controlling.

unname · 27/12/2021 14:21

@serenities

It is worrying that he was so hyper-focused on getting you to do this that he didn’t care about how you were feeling.

My DH has the need for a perfectly kept house. He does the larger share of the work himself and if I’m not well, he does all of it happily.

I think your DP needs counseling. Obsessing over someone else’s house to the point that he is harassing you while you are ill is not healthy. Telling you (and himself) it’s for your own good is really messed up.

Are things generally good otherwise?

escapingthecity · 27/12/2021 14:27

When your partner has a chest infection and is not feeling well is really not the time to offer 'tough love'. He was not listening to you, so no wonder you felt stressed. He was out of order.

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 14:47

And still, all he cares about are his feelings. . .

cathotelier · 27/12/2021 15:02

serenities - I’ve only read your comments on here and skimmed the rest, but this all just sounds way too complicated to me. A massive fuss over not a lot.

What I suspect is this - he is (consciously or not) testing you here. I mean this kindly, but he probably sees you as having quite low standards in terms of housework. Or if not low standards, simply that you don’t prioritise it or care. Would that be fair?

He is wondering, long-term if this attitude would persist - eg. in a scenario where you had children and he was working, would he come home to a messy house every day? Or do you care enough for him that you would maintain a tidy home out of respect for him. Sounds blunt, but this is quite possibly what is going on here. He has actually said to you, that he wants you to want to do it for him (or words to that effect).

It’s not about who is right or wrong here. As pps have pointed out, it’s your flat. It’s more a question if compatibility because this kind of thing will inevitably start to grate if you were to live together.

In a relationship, sometimes small gestures can make a big difference to the other person ferling valued. I will be honest with you that, if my husband is coming home from work, or if people are coming over (even my kids’ friends), I will fly round the house and tidy up before they arrive. Rightly or wrongly, I feel it reflects badly on me if people were to come in and the place was a mess. And because my husband does a lot for me, I want him to feel a sense calm when he walks in. It works for us and life just runs more smoothly like that. And I have 4 children.

This is how I was brought up and I always saw my mother doing the same. Obviously everyone is different and some may not give a damn about this kind of thing. But it’s probably best to find out if you are incompatible in this way now, rather than after you move in. Good luck!

PhoenixReincarnated · 27/12/2021 15:14

OP this man has tried to manipulate, control and gaslight you to the extent that he gave you an ultimatum of ending the relationship if you didn't obey him. He only backtracked when you took the power out of his hands by agreeing to end the relationship. He also refused to take no for an answer, several times. He's a dangerous man. End the relationship and free yourself to find someone who will love and respect you.

pointythings · 27/12/2021 15:21

@cathotelier and your comment is a one post lesson in why you should RTFT - not just skim.

OP has a chronic health condition and an illness on top of that, so your waffling on about her 'keeping a tidy house' for a future partner is nonsense. Go and handmaiden somewhere else.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:24

And because my husband does a lot for me, I want him to feel a sense calm when he walks in. It works for us and life just runs more smoothly like that. And I have 4 children.

I'm going to hazard a guess that you don't work, or if you do you work part time, and that he hardly lifts a finger at home, and you don't have a chronic health condition @cathotelier?

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 15:32

It’s not about who is right or wrong here.

No it's not @cathotelier.
It's about one person being a controlling, manipulative bully.
And the other person getting the hell out of her relationship before her b/f does her some real emotional damage.

SirChenjins · 27/12/2021 15:33

Oh for heaven’s sake @cathotelier, rtft.

cathotelier · 27/12/2021 15:33

I realise she has a chest infection, but also I don’t think this situation has just arisen out of nowhere. It’s likely to be a pattern. As I said, nobody is right or wrong necessarily, but maybe there’s a lack of compatibility in this area and this is what they are finding out. In life there will always be something - ‘oh I had a busy week; I wasn’t feeling well, etc etc.’ This is inevitable, but I think they are both testing each other’s underlying attitudes at this stage and that’s why such a seemingly minor thing seems so blown out of proportion.

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 15:36

@PhoenixReincarnated

Wot Phoenix said, in spades.

& all the hausfraus & handmaidens scolding OP because they have reading comprehension issues, or feel safer doing the work of the patriarchy by being apologists for nasty controlling men can FRO too.

Dontbeme · 27/12/2021 15:37

@serenities

I don't know what to do.

That he thought I would want to do it for him, so that's why he made it about himself.

He has said he didn't think and regrets it and that it wouldn't happen again. He keeps saying he is hurt that he has tried to help, and has acted from a good place but I don't believe him.

Has he asked if you and DC are feeling better? Has he asked if you need anything, a few bits from the shops as you are both unwell with chest infections? Finally does he realise that he is not your supervisor at work, so he has no need for motivational strategies. It's all about him, his wants, his needs, his feelings, he thinks you are lucky to have him and you should want to be better as he is such a wonderful prize. Do you want this for you and your DC, what happens when DC doesn't operate to the required specifications? Will their performance be monitored and then managed out of the family?

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 15:40

I realise she has a chest infection, but also I don’t think this situation has just arisen out of nowhere. It’s likely to be a pattern.

Sure there's a pattern.
An insidious pattern of manipulation, which is leading up to a case of full blown coercive control if OP doesn't dump this man.

That is no minor thing.
This man has trampled every boundary OP has recently erected, going as far as to threaten to just turn up anyway when she said she didn't want him to visit. He then ramped it up by threatening to end the relationship if she didn't comply with his demands.

If you can't see his escalating behaviour as the scarily controlling abuse it is @cathotelier, your shark cage needs fixing.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2021 15:53

He's an utter twat! He doesn't even live in your house and therefore has zero say on when you choose to tidy it!
He should have been full of sympathy for both you and child being ill and asking if there was anything he could do to help, not bloody sulking and feeling hurt.
Let him have his strop. The idiot.

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 15:57

She has a chest infection. Her son has a chest infection. She also suffers from a debilitating chronic health condition. She has also just had a procedure done on both her hips. She works. She is a sole parent to he son. On top of that, she's had Christmas to contend with.

And doing housework to keep some twat that doesn't even live with her happy should be her priority?!

I would have thought, no, I know, that my partner would have been saying, for goodness sake, the last thing you should be worrying about, or wasting valuable energy on, is housework. You need to focus on getting you and your DH rested, and well again. Leave everything else to me. . .

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 15:58

And I would be so bloody pleased to be 'incompatible' with such a self absorbed, controlling nincompoop, it wouldn't be funny.

cathotelier · 27/12/2021 16:01

I don’t think people should be shouting ‘abusive’ or ‘gaslighting’ based in this thread. It can be very damaging. The fact is, none of us know these people; nobody has seen the flat and obviously, on any thread such as this, you are only getting one perspective.

me4real · 27/12/2021 16:02

@cathotelier How hard is 'I can't do it, I'm ill' to get into your head? OP has also just had an operation, has a long term disability, and is ill on top of that, as is her son.

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