Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP acting insane?

274 replies

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:09

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

OP posts:
me4real · 26/12/2021 17:56

Not everyone understands what it's like to have a disability (and some people's is more severe, or has a different impact on different areas of their lives than others', so them saying ' I manage to do X, so so can you' is bollox.)

Ignore both groups of people.

me4real · 26/12/2021 18:00

Absolutely not! I'm explaining that it's perfectly possible to keep a kitchen under control with a chronic illness if you clean as you go

@GrannytoaUnicorn Many people with disabilities can't do it at all. Or some can at certain times but not others. Everyone's different and some people are more severely effected. If someone with one illness etc can do it, whoopie for them. Doesn't mean everyone can.

pointythings · 26/12/2021 18:00

GrannytoaUnicorn I do wonder about your reading comprehension. OP has a chronic illness and a chest infection and a toddler with a chest infection. So not business as usual.

Bloody hell, the man pleasing neat freak brigade are out in force today!

SirChenjins · 26/12/2021 18:07

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. This isn’t someone who adds anything positive to your life - shoo him out the door to find a kitchen he approves of, leave a buttered knife on the worktop in his honour with a great big finger up to him, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

DrSbaitso · 26/12/2021 18:14

@safazz

OP, I’m sorry you’re ill and I hope you feel better soon. Apart from that, I’m not sure what to say. I mean, a 30 minute job to clean the kitchen? To be perfectly honest, it’s probably easier to just do it than be posting on MN. Or waiting for him to come over to ‘do it together.’

Mess does stress some people out, especially dirty dishes on surfaces and things like that. I wouldn’t let anyone in my house if it was like that. Even if I knew my husband was coming home from work or elsewhere, I wouldn’t have dishes out and messy kitchen surfaces for him to come home to (unless I was genuinely bedridden). It would not exactly put him in a good mood for the evening! Also, it’s just unpleasant and gives off an air of low personal standards / not caring. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe that just me (but I doubt it).

I'm sure that if you did, your husband would be able to get you repaired or replaced as per your warranty.
over2021 · 26/12/2021 18:19

Clean your kitchen. Dump your boyfriend.

Seriously, if he doesn't live with you YABU to expect him to help you with housework and I suspect it's more than a bit untidy for him to have commented. I actively avoid one friend's house because the mess/dirt makes me uncomfortable so I do sympathise a little with that.

However, he generally sounds hard work and if he's wasting your time that could be better spent cleaning said kitchen in writing MN threads and arguing you're better off without him x

Brusselsprouts21 · 26/12/2021 18:28

Illness or not, its your home. The issue he has is that he feels that if he came round then he would be cleaning up the mess. That's his issue, not yours. I would be pretty annoyed if someone wanted to come to mine only if i was to clean my house. If you invited him round and was the one inviting then its slightly different. He needs to address the fact he possibly has OCD as he shouldn't be pushing that on you.

safazz · 26/12/2021 18:31

Fgs, what he is asking her is basic life skills. Clean your own kitchen.

He was there Xmas Eve and it was a mess then, by the sound of it. He’s probably had enough and he shouldn’t have to mention it.

Most couple wouldn’t even be having this type of conversation and flouncing about it.

She has had Xmas at his family’s house. She has been catered for, probably by his mother. I wonder if they are all sitting there with all the dishes piled high for days on end?

This is basic stuff. And no, I would not expect my husband to come in from work or a day out or wherever and have to start cleaning. Nor did he ever have to clean my flat for me when we were dating Confused. This thread is odd.

safazz · 26/12/2021 18:37

Anyway, she’s probably done it by now. Blimey.

SirChenjins · 26/12/2021 18:41

Or maybe not - if she cba to. That’s the great thing about having your own place, you can let it get as messy as you choose. If he doesn’t like it then he’s welcome to stay away.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 26/12/2021 18:42

"I want for you to want me to be happy in your home" is the most severe case of gas lighting I've ever read.

I'm ill you prick and even if I wasn't I'll decide when I clean my kitchen.

LyraLaVey · 26/12/2021 18:45

Astounded at the mugs on here who think it's normal for a bloke to do this shit and are defending this abusive behaviour.

OP, dump him. A caring partner would have come over with sympathy and care, wrapped you up with a blanket, cooked you food and cleaned the kitchen for you.

Instead his first thought when both you and your child are sick was HIM. He's a twat, ignore the handmaids on here who think this is in any way okay and fuck him off. Call it a late Christmas present from yourself.

BooksAndGin · 26/12/2021 18:45

Chronic Illness or not there's no excuse to clean your kitchen for 4-5 days straight when you have a young child. It's a health hazard and it might be why you keep getting unwell with chest infections etc. as I imagine you don't dust etc.
Sorry but I'm with your DP on this one! even if it's just a tiny bit like keeping on top of the washing of pots and pans, it's better than nothing.

mbosnz · 26/12/2021 18:47

He's asking for her to clean her house, when she's crook, and her son is crook, according to his timeline, to his standards.

Too right. That is Bloody odd. And very rude. Especially to keep on banging on about it, when she's said she's not up to it, and then to threaten to come over, when she's said he doesn't want him to, and then to threaten to give her the old heave ho if she doesn't let him in, after coming over when she doesn't want him to. . . He doesn't have to 'suffer' her standards of cleanliness that apparently up to his, all he had to do was stay home - but noooooooooo . . . and apparently it's all for her own good - tough love, and all that. Yeah, sure, right mate. Cool story bro, needs a shit load more dragon.

Immunetypegoblin · 26/12/2021 18:48

Why on earth should you be forced to clean your own home for the benefit of someone who doesn't even live in it? He can fuck right off IMO.

forinborin · 26/12/2021 19:00

All these posts along the lines of "I work 90 hours weeks, severely disabled with ten children but I would NEVER allow my husband to even see a dirty dish in the kitchen" are soooo cute.
Accusing OP that a couple of dirty dishes is what caused her chronic illness is quite sad.
OP, don't listen to the angry housewives brigade. Your house, you're doing there what and when you want.

AThousandEyes · 26/12/2021 19:01

Your child is ill. You have a chronic illness and are ill with a chest infection on top. Your house could do with a tidy up but is clean and sanitary and perfectly liveable by normal standards. Some bloke who doesn't even live with you is insisting that you - while unwell - clean your house to suit his impossibly high standards ready for when he comes over and is threatening to leave you if you don't?!

Yeah, fuck that. Don't waste any more of your already limited energy on this pillock.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 26/12/2021 19:03

@serenities

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.
He sounds abusive and manipulative.

My DH is a clean freak, I’m not, I’m a major scatterbrain. It’s been very hard work getting the balance. Many frustrations and long talks. He’s never treated me like your partner is treating you. He’s never expected me to clean whilst ill

StarCourt · 26/12/2021 19:07

Op I also have a chronic illness and absolutely get it. For me and DD my job comes first as it's the way I pay my bills and buy my food. Everything else inc housework is prioritised according to my energy levels. DD comes before housework.

me4real · 26/12/2021 19:08

^Clean your kitchen. Dump your boyfriend.

Seriously, if he doesn't live with you YABU to expect him to help you with housework ^

@over2021 He had initially said to her that he was going to help her do it. Plus she's particularly off colour at the moment. I think a decent 'partner' would help someone if they're ill, especially on top of having a disability.

@safazz Fgs. What part of having a disability which effects how hard work housework is for her, and being ill, and having a sick child on top, don't you understand?

If someone can't do a thing/finds it virtually impossible due to their disability/illness, then they can't do it (except to the extent they can- unless you think you know OP better than she knows herself? Envy

It's a health hazard and it might be why you keep getting unwell with chest infections etc. as I imagine you don't dust etc.

@BooksAndGin A chest infection tends to be a virus caught from other people (shit happens) nothing to do with housework (and OP says her place isn't too bad anyway. Some people are really fussy about these things.

And some men can use anything as a manipulative/abusive tool.

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2021 19:21

He has no right to tell you to clean, even if it were also his house/he lived there. He sounds controlling and definitely an arsehole telling you he was coming over when you said no.

ChubbyMorticia · 26/12/2021 19:23

Let me get this straight.

You have a chronic health condition.
You and your child have chest infections.
He's demanding that you prioritize his feelings about your home, somewhere he's a visitor, not a resident, and clean.
He then threw a fit b/c his feelings and wants aren't more important than your needs.

He's literally told you that his feelings are more important than both you and your child's health.

He's told you who he is, @serenities. Believe him.

DroopyClematis · 26/12/2021 19:30

A chest infection is an excuse to not do cleaning but you almost immediately jumped to your inability to keep on top of cleaning.
That your partner made a comment suggests that cleaning and tidying is something that you struggle with.

Of course you hate him telling you what to do , because it's hitting a nerve.

You need to start taking control , bit by bit ( and yes, I've been there and had unwanted comments) and start cleaning and clearing.

You and your child should not be living in a mess.

Puremule · 26/12/2021 19:31

@DroopyClematis

A chest infection is an excuse to not do cleaning but you almost immediately jumped to your inability to keep on top of cleaning. That your partner made a comment suggests that cleaning and tidying is something that you struggle with.

Of course you hate him telling you what to do , because it's hitting a nerve.

You need to start taking control , bit by bit ( and yes, I've been there and had unwanted comments) and start cleaning and clearing.

You and your child should not be living in a mess.

This.
phishy · 26/12/2021 19:44

@WorraLiberty

He also doesn't HAVE to clean, he's a clean freak and likes to tidy up when he's here.

Then stop letting him do it. Otherwise you're giving him mixed messages.

The cleanliness of your house is none of his business, so don't make it so by allowing him to clean it for you.

OP says he spends a lot of time at her house.

So yes, he should contribute when he’s there, with food and cleaning.