AIBU or is DP acting insane?

[serenities]

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

To those saying 'oh I have an illness and I can still do X, Y, Z if I tidy up as I go' or 'I have an illlness and I still do X, Y, Z.'

Take this to its logical conclusion. Someone is confined to a wheelchair and you go 'Well I have an illness and I can walk sometimes, so so can you.' That would be ridiculous and obnoxious, so I hope/imagine you wouldn't do it.

Not everyone's illness effects them the same way, even amongst people with the same condition. OP is saying that (especially at the moment) she can only exert herself for very short periods of time, and these periods are for less than they are for some people, and less than they are for some people who have other illnesses/disabilities.

@serenities Have you tried to claim PIP? It's worth having a go, or having another go if you've tried before. It's not dependent on income. I've sometimes used my disability payments to hire a cleaner when I need to. www.gov.uk/pip/how-to-claim

Feel better soon.

Cleaning the kitchen is the worst, especially when the oven needs doing. I couldnt do mine in 30 mins when its a full deep clean and its only small, by the time you have wiped out cupboards/cupboard doors/splash backs/hob/kick boards/windows/appliances, you are well into an hour. And ours is never messy-I am really, really funny about the kitchen and bathroom, I can cope with a bit of DC related messiness elsewhere but those 2 rooms are never cluttered or dirty. Just the way I am. So it really cannot be that bad if OP is saying 30 mins for it to be sparkling.

Anyway, tell him to bog off OP and clean his own kitchen.

@ChubbyMorticia

Let me get this straight.

You have a chronic health condition.
You and your child have chest infections.
He's demanding that you prioritize his feelings about your home, somewhere he's a visitor, not a resident, and clean.
He then threw a fit b/c his feelings and wants aren't more important than your needs.

He's literally told you that his feelings are more important than both you and your child's health.

He's told you who he is, @serenities. Believe him.

Absolutely this.

You and dc are ill and he's moaning about housework!@ what a git...tell him to Fuck off.....seriously the only response to that is...do you want me to bring anything over/cook/clean shop/run you a bath.....any treats you fancy.....him giving you grief about your kitchen is really nasty...
He can stay in his own Palace!

You dont sound compatible. Dont ever live with him. Disaster

@Storminafeecup

Oh my you sound unspeakably ghastly and rather thick

Yuck

It sounds to me like you are fundamentally incompatible in the area of household standards. He probably likes you and wants it to work but finds your reluctance to tidy a big red flag and is hoping he can change you.

We see this on MN all the time with women wanting men to change. Normally the men are expecting the women to pick up after them as well, so it’s not quite the same situation - it’s not like you’re freeloading off his labour as is often the case on threads where the roles are reversed. You just have very different attitudes to mess.

He shouldn’t be hassling you about keeping your own house to his standard. He needs to realise this is how you are and if he can’t cope with it happily, he needs to move on.

He's a controlling creep. TTFO. I hope your little one is ok.

I think he’s out of line. It’s your house, live as you please, it wouldn’t be for me, so I’d not be with you, and that’s the choice he should make without saying anything.

Thank you for all your responses. The kitchen has now been done.

I did say I have barely been home over Christmas. My son has not been at home at all, my home isn't dirty and my son lives in a clean, sanitised environment.

I mentioned DP saying I have been in pain all week and he's let me off, I had a procedure on both hips at the weekend so I really have been off my feet. Not to mention, my condition worsens when I exert myself too much, and with Christmas coming up I've had to prioritise where to use up my energy.

I am chronically ill and registered as disabled, I am in awe of those on this thread with chronic illnesses who are able to juggle so much, but I am not. I also said that I get reoccurring chest infections because I am immunocompromised, not because of my "dirty" (not dirty) home.

I don't think some have also read my other posts, where I have said I don't expect him to clean and actually ask him not to. He won't take no for an answer.

I have taken the advice of a couple of posters and told him I am focussing on getting DS and I better, and that I'll be in touch over the next few days.

I can’t believe how many people are focussing on how dirty the kitchen may be.

This bellend is trying to dictate to OP that she needs to clean her house that he doesn’t even live in, in order to make him happy. Who the fuck does he think he is. I feel like this could be the start of a cycle of controlling behaviour. A lot of things he’s said are setting off alarm bells in my head. I’d be ending the relationship.

The martyr olympics in here gets so tiresome. No one cares if you’re ill but you still manage to be mrs hinch. That doesn’t help the OP at all, but as long as you feel superior crack on I guess.

I'm like Monica off Friends but that's an extreme state. My family are more normal. So I have had to condition myself to accept other people's mess. It is very difficult for me but I do it. My tidy obsession is my problem not theirs, I would never dream of forcing them to live to my standards. But they know not to touch my belongings, or to move ornaments etc.

So I think my point is, even in my own home I would not force others who live here to adhere to my standards. If I didn't like it I would live alone. But I love my family and I'd rather live with them and their 'mess' than live alone.

So yes, he's a dick and you're well rid xx your life, your home, your rules

You’ve been in pain all week and he’s ‘let you off’… wtf. Look at his behaviour over your dating history. What he’s expecting and demanding from you. What does he actually add to your life.

Maybe he needs to work on his expectations, issues and mental health instead of projecting his issues onto you and making it your fault.

And saying he would have cleaned the kitchen if you pushed him… erm no.

You shouldn’t have to do that in a partnership. He shouldn’t be throwing back the unrequested and unnecessary assistance he has given to you when issues arise.

Honestly leave the arsehole isn’t my normal go to response… but I would seriously consider the future of your relationship. You want to be having this for another 5 years… 10… 20. Imagine living together?

He’s a bellend. Get some rest, ignore him for a few days and drop him. No man is ever gonna tell me I need to clean MY house to HIS standards.

What's the cause of so many people's failure to read and comprehend? The OP has explained multiple times her house is messy and not unsanitary. Damn there's plenty of grinches out in droves on MN right now!

and that I'll be in touch over the next few days

I wouldn’t be rushing if I were you. It really sounds like you’d be better off without him.

Enjoy your clean kitchen without him hassling you and get some rest .

Remember relationships are voluntary... if this one isn't working for you, it's ok to call it a day. You don't need to justify yourself to him.

@serenities

He has said he was pushing me to clean was because he wanted me to clean for myself, but knew I wouldn't if it was to help myself. But I am more likely to do something for others, so he tried to motivate me by getting me to do it for him. But that he wasn't actually bothered if I did it for him or not.

This is a really complicated way of trying to pretend you are not a dickhead.

(He is a dickhead)

He sounds absolutely fucking awful. You would be wise to end it the relationship.

God, the posters on here focussing on how clean the kitchen is.

ITS NOT THE POINT!

OP your kitchen is absolutely none of his fucking business.

He sounds like a controlling arse, dressing it up as "helpful".

Yeah well we've all seen plenty like him. Characterising controlling behaviour as "worried about you".

Tell him to FUCK OFF.

Do you really need a boyfriend so badly that you accept this embarrassing prick and inflict him on your kid?

@serenities I hope you feel better soon, I’ve had a few chest infections in my time and during one of them honestly thought I was going to die (I started hallucinating).

I had a partner I lived with who clearly had ocd. He was SO clean he’d run his fingers over skirting boards, coving and if he detected even one spec of dust he’d go crazy. My friends and family refused to visit our house as they were so uncomfortable. Everything had to be ordered, I even ‘had’ to iron the bed sheets. Please do yourself a favour and release him back to the dating pool. The relief I felt when I was free! Your house isn’t dirty, it’s normal. Enjoy the rest of your life being normal please.

He won't take no for an answer.

This phrase gave me the shudders. Please fuck him off OP.

As for "letting you off" because you has an operation very recently - FFS. He thinks he's your headmaster, doesn't he?

He is seriously bad news, & his controlling behaviours will escalate if you allow him to continue being in your life.
I hope you send him a creatively insulting dumping text.

I just read your op again and realized I missed so much. I’m sorry I even asked about the kitchen. He sounds awful.

So, not his house? Not his child?

He can take a running jump. CF.