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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do I degrade myself?

263 replies

Anon11119 · 25/12/2021 23:46

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 27/12/2021 11:10

*good not pot

TheCreamCaker · 27/12/2021 11:14

You're probably an introvert, perhaps feel the need to explain your actions to others in order to get approval. You undermine yourself perhaps because you feel you're not deserving. All part of a lack of confidence.

5thnonblonde · 27/12/2021 11:25

I used to find it hard to accept compliments OP, I started responding ‘Thank you that’s so kind of you to say/notice etc’ as I found that an easy way to accept and also return one in a way that’s not all about ‘me’. After doing this for a few months I noticed sometimes I was dropping the end but and just saying ‘Oh thanks!’ In a really unashamed way so I’d recommend trying it!

Beachbreak2411 · 27/12/2021 17:38

All your examples are about money. That portrays you Badly. As other posters have commented.. your supposed “degrading” of yourself is about you and how you want people to see you. This just reads like a stealth brag.

DDMAC · 27/12/2021 17:38

I do this with family that always make a big deal out of spending money on anything, for example im close to my aunt but I avoid shopping with her as much as possible because she watches every single thing I think about buying and the cost, it makes me feel guilty and I find myself making excuses as to why I need to buy whatever it may be. I bumped into her one day in the supermarket and ended up coming away without half what I went in for because she wouldn’t go away and kept commenting on the price of everything I picked up. My sister is very like this too and asks the price of anything new in our house, I always find myself either trying to avoid answering or say why we needed whatever it was.
We were very poor growing up, I don’t know if it’s a guilt thing on my part that I always feel I need a good reason for spending money.

DonaPatrizia · 27/12/2021 17:41

I think you are a nice person who doesn’t want to provoke resentment in others. I do the same. I’m from a poor background and am very conscious that a) some people can’t have what we do b) some well off people are blithely unaware of/positively revel in their own privilege. You need to try to be as natural as possible though or you might piss people off by doing it.
I have a friend who is super rich but always claims gratuitously that she can’t afford things and I find that unbelievably irritating as it’s patently untrue. Also weird as I love her in every other way.

Then in the opposite direction my late BiL treated us with contempt because he thought he was much better off than us -seemingly because they had a large house and we didn’t, theirs was in one of the UK’s lowest priced areas, ours in central London! He lorded it over us based on his mistaken belief we were paupers, much to our amusement.

thenovice · 27/12/2021 17:42

I used to find it incredibly hard to receive compliments. I some one said: "You're really good at ..." I would answer "I'm not really, it was just luck" or
"You look lovely in that," I would answer "I think it shows how fat I am" or "I like your new car!" I would answer "It's not new, just second hand and it has a very high mileage".
But my mum pointed out that brushing away compliments was disrespectful or even hurtful to the person who made them. So now I make myself say Thank you! or I like it too - I'm so lucky or whatever. It seems to go down better and it doesn't come across as ungrateful or downing myself.

Alis1beelbals · 27/12/2021 17:52

I think it’s because your a nice person
and don’t want to sound or look like you are bragging ,or feel like other people may be put out or depressed by the fact that they don’t have the luxuries you do ? maybe?
Either way I don’t think it sounds like you are doing it for any bad reasons

Nellisterr · 27/12/2021 17:53

My husband does this ALL the time! We aren't particularly well off or anything but IMO (due to my upbringing) we are doing quite well. But my DH puts a down spin on everything and it really frustrates me. He came from a very comfortable (money wise) family but he definitely doesn't want to appear being 'better' than anyone else. I do think one of the reasons is his younger brother who seems to think he needs to compete with my DH, but my DH doesn't want to so keeps playing himself and his success down whenever he can.

Insanelysilver · 27/12/2021 17:57

You sound like someone who doesn’t want to show off and is trying to be sensitive to other peoples feelings.

Bertiebiscuit · 27/12/2021 18:05

Get some counselling or psychotherapy in the new year - who taught you to hate yourself????

Jeannie88 · 27/12/2021 18:23

I think, like me I hope, you're just trying to nice. Better to be a bit humble and liked than a show off. X

maybloss2 · 27/12/2021 18:47

For women, I feel there’s an extra layer of can’t be seen to be doing well in case some man finds it a threat.
I’ve learnt if complimented about things to say something like- I really like this too, or if you want to pass it back, I’m so glad you like it -you have such good taste!
If it’s about an achievement Thankyou! I’m being quite pleased with myself at the mo!
If it’s clothes hair etc- thanks for noticing. This way you’re being very kind to the compliment giver and not repudiating their opinion. I was once told that having a compliment ‘thrown back’ at the giver is a bit like saying your opinion is if no value or interest to me. Of course if the giver is a random man then this would be true. 😆

Mollymoostoo · 27/12/2021 19:08

I got a high 2:1 in my last uni assignment and didn't want to tell people as I knew others had failed and others got low grades.
It isn't anyone's business how much you spend or how well you do, but I use prudence on how much I share if I think people will be resentful

I shop at joules and don't brake but someone I work with always brags. To me I think it is her need to show off whereas we probably earn far more than she does so just get on with it.
You don't need to justify, next time just don't say anything other than thank you for the compliment and just show gratitude for what you have without guilt.

Mollymoostoo · 27/12/2021 19:09

*don't brag.

FeeFi100 · 27/12/2021 19:12

Hmmm…something I might do is say…drive my new car but not want certain people to see it because they might think I’m rich. Or wear my new bag (which I love) but don’t want certain to see it.

FeeFi100 · 27/12/2021 19:14

@Nellisterr

My husband does this ALL the time! We aren't particularly well off or anything but IMO (due to my upbringing) we are doing quite well. But my DH puts a down spin on everything and it really frustrates me. He came from a very comfortable (money wise) family but he definitely doesn't want to appear being 'better' than anyone else. I do think one of the reasons is his younger brother who seems to think he needs to compete with my DH, but my DH doesn't want to so keeps playing himself and his success down whenever he can.
I actually get this in regards to the competing. I know someone who likes to compete (only figured out what it is recently). I sometimes will play things down as I don’t want to get into a game of competing because I think it is odd!
Letsbekindplease · 27/12/2021 19:14

I also do this. I have no idea why. A confidence thing perhaps ? I never take a compliment. If a work are praises me for my hard work I always play it down. No idea how to change it. I think it would change if I was built like a supermodel and had plenty cash but then that would be fake and not me. Lol

Angrywife · 27/12/2021 19:17

My husband does similar and I hate it.
Hes very talented in his field but if anyone suggests he's good he always comes back with "nah, I'm not" "I try" etc.
I hate it, it comes across like he's begging for more compliments, wants them to insist further how good he is.

Best response to a compliment is to smile and confidently say thank you.

92miles · 27/12/2021 19:21

You don't want others to feel uncomfortable or in any way bad about themselves.

It's a nice trait you have.

Just don't sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of others all the time.

TheWitchOfShields · 27/12/2021 19:29

I think degrade is the wrong word to use.

I do similar things too and really struggle to take compliments, even from my husband. If he says 'you look beautiful', I respond with 'where you looking?' Or 'have you cleaned your glasses'.

My Dsis asked me to get my BiL cheap imitation crocs for Christmas. I bought him genuine ones but then made a point of saying as he opened them 'they're proper ones but don't worry, I bought them in the sale' 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

We're working class, not high earners or on the breadline but feel like people would see us as snobs because of the gifts we choose. My DH keeps telling me to not do it but I can't help myself 🙄

Angie1403 · 27/12/2021 19:32

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.
That’s the bit you need to stop letting in; when the response is patronising or there’s a hint of jealousy or whatever. You have to keep telling yourself that it’s not your responsibility to make other people feel good about themselves whilst at the same time, not allowing them to make you feel bad about yourself. Do you have a daughter? Think what this behaviour is telling her about how she should behave. This is the time when we really need to be helping our girls to be strong and assertive alongside all their other positive traits. If you have sons it may also be teaching them something about women that they may have difficulty in-learning later in life.
TheRemotePart · 27/12/2021 19:33

Cos woman are programmed to hide their light under a bushel , not ask for payrises, act dumb so as not to intimate Sad

Maybe speak to a therapist?
does your DM do this?

I’m the opposite and it’s often perceived as being full of myself- I’m really not , I’ll happily tell you the things I’m bad at, but if you tell me you like my coat or i look pretty, I’ll say “thanks!”

  • also. If is IS a bargain,I’ll tell everyone ! That’s my joy of life haha
TheRemotePart · 27/12/2021 19:33
  • intimidate.
CrankyFrankie · 27/12/2021 20:11

Do you just do this with your family members? If so, then I don’t think it’s anywhere near as big an issue as if you do it generally. Especially given the history you’ve explained about being bullied by them growing up. I think we do tend to revert to our teenage selves around family (doesn’t help that they pigeon hole us that way either), so you are maybe trying to fly below ‘the radar’ so your sisters don’t target you for your wealth/possessions/success like they did for your intellect and potential. Like you say, your self esteem could do with some work and being back with your family is probably taking you back to your most vulnerable self.