Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

I do this. I’m in a weird situation where due to investments when young and DH having a high paying job but us not really spending much, we have lots more money than people think. I don’t know how to handle it.
Our last car we bought brand new outright but we moved away right after. Had it for 10 years, it’s giving up the ghost so we’re getting a new one. We’ve researched the best one for our situation, we want an electric we’re planning on keeping for at least another 10 years. We’ve paid outright for a new Tesla which is coming in March and I have no idea how to explain it. I can’t just say ‘we paid £60k for a new car’. I’m literally researching finance options so i can lie and say we got into debt for it or it’s on some kind of HP scheme. I’m dreading it as I know just having it will put so many people’s noses out of joint. But then I hate hiding my real situation. Literally I don’t know what to do. I’m aware this is a wanky post, I don’t have any small violins out, but there you go.

I do it too, it's to not come across as boasting as I hate that and would never want people to feel bad so I go the opposite way. It's so British!

Same with my kids achievements etc. Always downplay it unless around parents etc.
I think it comes from a kind place, not wanting others to feel bad.

I think that telling outright lies is a bit beyond the self deprecation that a lot of people engage in. You obviously have some very strange ideas about wealth and lifestyle.
As a reasonably mature adult, the fact that other people have more expensive holidays/ handbags/ houses etc does not make me feel in any way inferior and I would be pretty pissed off if they thought they had to protect my feelings.
I think it is a bit odd to have children bring presents from other people to all open together so wouldn’t be too bothered about that, but you do need to stop lying to people and maybe rethink the importance you place on material things.

[quote UserBot]@LadyFlumpalot I feel like this image was projected on to me at work.

I quite consciously decided NOT to do it in this job (having done it in previous jobs) and somehow still end up feeling that it's been projected on to me.

My line manager put in his own goals thing that we all have to do every year that he would review the performance of the team, and I feel know that he picked on me to bring me in to a performance meeting I had been literally turning myself inside out for a year, giving it 100% and he brought me in to discuss my performance. I was like this I knew he was going for the grade above (as I am) but he used me to have an example of when he ''managed under performance''. I pushed it back at him and told him he was confirming his own biases. It was very upsetting. I looked around at the rest of the team and I saw two really young girls who he wouldn't have wanted to upset, a woman he was friendly with outside of work, and me, the 50 year old ''old dear'' (??) and I felt scapegoated to be his example.[/quote]
Oooooh now that's an angle I hadn't ever considered. How frustrating and hurtful for you.

I’m interested that the posts you choose to respond to are not the ones which challenge your habit as something really quite manipulative and unpleasant; you’ve only responded to those which offer a sympathetic reading of why you lie. I think you have curated a particular image of yourself as someone vulnerable and in some way a victim, and even on here you are only acknowledging the posters that feed that narrative. It might be worth unpicking that while you’re trying to work out why do do what you do.

As the poor relation in my family, I would be very hurt if they were lying to me because they thought I couldn't be happy for their success. Also I know how much things cost, pretending that I don't would make me feel like they think I'm an idiot.

You're lucky the conversation about the bag didn't end in your sister asking you to get her one of the fakes too since they appear to be of such high quality, or that someone hasn't asked you to help them find a deal on a holiday since you always get such good ones.

I know you're not trying to hurt people's feelings but by telling these little lies all the time you're coming across as insincere. You might be trying to put yourself down but you are putting the person you're talking down too because you're implying they can't handle the truth.

I have no idea how rejecting a compliment, (e.g. I’m so fat/ugly) could be thought of as being nice to the giver of the compliment, and self-deprecating. What are they supposed to do with that, do you want them to agree with you?

Well I didn't say I reject the compliments outright in such negative terms and I certainly wouldn't say anything like that out loud that I thought would make the person feel uncomfortable. But I do struggle to not downgrade or brush off the compliment in some self-effacing way, yes. Like if someone said my hair looked nice after I'd just had it blow dried for a party I'd probably say 'God, you should have seen it yesterday. I looked like Worzel Gummidge.'

I'm not one of those relentlessly Eeyore type people that immediately puts a dampener on anything positive. I agree That would make me very challenging company indeed.

I am getting better at it though. I am learning to just accept a compliment and take it in the spirit it was intended. But my schtick is and always has been very self deprecating. I hope I do it in a light hearted and non-depressing way, but I can't just stop after a lifetime of it.

@Namechange3784

I do this. I’m in a weird situation where due to investments when young and DH having a high paying job but us not really spending much, we have lots more money than people think. I don’t know how to handle it. Our last car we bought brand new outright but we moved away right after. Had it for 10 years, it’s giving up the ghost so we’re getting a new one. We’ve researched the best one for our situation, we want an electric we’re planning on keeping for at least another 10 years. We’ve paid outright for a new Tesla which is coming in March and I have no idea how to explain it. I can’t just say ‘we paid £60k for a new car’. I’m literally researching finance options so i can lie and say we got into debt for it or it’s on some kind of HP scheme. I’m dreading it as I know just having it will put so many people’s noses out of joint. But then I hate hiding my real situation. Literally I don’t know what to do. I’m aware this is a wanky post, I don’t have any small violins out, but there you go.

In the nicest way, why would you have to explain how you financed your car!? If someone says ‘oooh nice car’ can you not just say ‘thanks, we love it!’?

I’m a bit in this situation sometimes as my upbringing was very different from my life now. So I get it to some extent and sometimes want to justify why I have something expensive. But probably would offer up how I financed a car or house

wouldn’t offer up

We get many implicit messages about what is and is not acceptable from birth. OP might have grown up in a family where it would not be acceptable to own one’s success or achievements. When we are children, we have no choice but to attach to our caregivers and, in doing so, we learn (without even being aware of it) what we need to do and be in order to be cared for. If it risks alienating or angering mum and dad to be seen to ‘boast’ we will learn not to do it. Self-deprecating behaviour is a submissive action that basically says ‘please don’t hurt me, I’m not a threat’. Maybe look into the impact on your life that self-deprecation has, OP, and consider if it seems deeper than saying ‘oh this old thing!’ if someone compliments a new bag, say, and is actually holding you back from where you’d like to be.

Just seen your update about being bullied at home and at school, OP. So sorry you went through that, and of course you’ve learned what you needed to do to survive! And to stop treasured things being taken from you. It’s a survival strategy that served you well then but maybe has no place now? I’d agree some talking therapy would be a great help.

Gumboots29 I need to be prepared with answers as people ask me! I’m living near where I grew up in a single parent family with no money and people assume I’m in the same situation. My friends talk about finance deals and credit cards and the best way to finance stuff. I know people will ask me as they will assume I must have used some form of credit and want to know the details as that’s what they’re interested in. It’s a hot topic of conversation!
I’m always asked if I’m still paying back my student loans (it’s weird that I went to university) and I say no, it’s assumed everything ‘gets put on the credit card’ eg Christmas etc. and people talk about which ones have the best rates etc.

I do this. My sister is the opposite.
She'll say 'How are the kids?' and I'd say, Oh you know, not sleeping or whatever. She'd say Oh, mine sleep all night, always have. Whatever the conversation, she'd turn it to a positive spin in her life.
It feels like bragging to me and I read in a previous post about internalising that it's bad to show off. I have definitely done that. It's taken a while to be able to praise my kid's achievements in front of others - that sounds awful!
I'm still so conscious of the put-downs from my sister. I don't really understand why she does this, if she feels inadequate or not. She has no need to and I know she loves me. It's been a real wedge between us.

You're also putting down DH, aren't you? For example, it's his planned holiday too, you both agreed it. Not only are you diminishing his taste, choice etc, you're dragging him and the children into your lie. One that they will have to sustain before the holiday, during it, and when they come back from it. ( No pics on Facebook or whatsapp; tell the kids not to mention the give-away activities or special meals )

You care more about what other people think of them, than you do about the feelings of your husband and children. You're dressing up petty lies and pretences as tact and modesty. Virtue signalling.

Do you really want to give your kids a message 

"It's okay to lie and patronise people who don't have what we do, and pretend to be something you're not. They're so stupid they'll never catch on".

It's an attitude that will make it very hard for them to sustain honesty respect and trust in their adult relationships.

Poor self-esteem, an ingrained sense of tall poppy syndrome, gendered socialisation, and a fear that if you look rich/successful/lucky to others, you’re potentially stoking dislike.

This is your issue to sort out. However, as you mention children, and that you’re already arranging things so that your children look less fortunate to extended family, please don’t extend your self esteem and chronic need to self-deprecate to them, especially if they’re girls. My mother behaved exactly as you do throughout my childhood, and extended it to her children, whom she viewed as extensions of herself — unfortunately for her, we were all clever and did well at school, which she was embarrassed by, to the point that she would complain about our laziness and the fact that we were only ‘going to university because we didn’t want to get a job’ etc. She was utterly mortified when I won a big national scholarship and was in the local paper because of it.

It’s a deeply depressing thing to recognise that your achievements are actually unwelcome to your parent, and that what she actually wants for you is to be unsuccessful and ‘harmless’ because it suits her worldview.

I don’t say that you are like that, OP, but make sure you don’t. Let your children have better self-esteem than you do.

I do this. It's upbringing. My parents hated the idea that I would do or have anything they hadn't had themselves, or get Ideas.

@FangsForTheMemory

I do this. It's upbringing. My parents hated the idea that I would do or have anything they hadn't had themselves, or get Ideas.

Absolutely. Having Notions should be discouraged.

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

Can't you see, it's YOU doing the patronising.

You're doing it to other people to protect your own feelings. Because you would hate to be patronised.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

If someone compliments me on my outfit, l always have to ask if it came from.amchadity shop. Or if it was in the sale. Dh says l shouldn't say anything but l can't stop myself!

That makes no sense. You know where it came from; why lie about it?

@YourenutsmiLord

I think it might also be a desire to be liked. Others won't like someone they are jealous of. But the thing is that's their problem - jealousy - not yours.

I don't like liars, fakers, or people who have shown me they can't be trusted.

IME this is more common than liars and fakers realise.

@Hibye23289

But yes I agree,I always think of other peoples feelings and would play stuff down to not be showy or make them feel bad

What hurts peoples' feelings most, is being lied to and misled by fakers pretending to be something they are not.

MN is jam packed with examples. People who say "I love you" to everyone they shag. People who say they want a baby (with someone they barely know) then dump them. Men who hit women /sob they didn't mean it/will never do it again/ then hit them again.

@2bazookas why you so angry? The last few comments you've called everyone fake and liars