Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

@sportsMother I do actually agree with the last bit you said and you made a good point I wouldn't like somebody doing it to me just say someone was beauitful and they put themselves down to make me feel better is offensive so you have opened my eyes abit because I am like that to an extent but I do it to be nice and never thought of it in a bad way, I do not like people humble bragging either for example Stacey Solomon buying a million pound house then trying to make us feel better as if shes down to earth by saying she got some cheap flooring like shes on our level. Thankyou for the insight

@OffRoadFozzyBear

Interesting. I do this too. An acquaintance admired my watch and bag a while back - I told her the watch was a copy and the stones were cubic zirconia (it’s not and actually cost me four figures- it’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought myself). I said I’d found the bag in a discount store like tk maxx (not true). What’s worse is that the conversation morphed into clothes and fashion in general and I then lied and said my coat was M&S when it was actually from MaxMara and talked about bargain shopping, cheap stores etc (all true), but didn’t mention any of the higher end places I like. I’ve no idea why as although I am comfortable she is seriously wealthy and buys extremely expensive stuff. I rarely talk about clothes or shopping but in the context of this particular conversation it would have been okay.

I’ve played down jobs, my background, my abilities in all sorts. I always emphasise the things I’m rubbish at, which is pretty damaging.

I suspect it’s a self confidence thing. My parents were (and still are, though they’ve mellowed a bit) sticklers for excellent manners, good etiquette and for treating the lowest person in any situation as well as the highest. All good things, but as a naturally anxious person I tend to take it too far and will act with complete deference or self-deprecation as I get so anxious about causing offence. It’s tough for sure.

Maybe the issue is that your parents taught you to consider a group then pick out the ‘lowest’ and ‘highest’ person. Rather than scanning the group and pretending to be as poor as the poorest member maybe you could just have a normal conversation.

Lying that your watch is cheap when it cost four figures is just stupid and honestly very patronising.

And by the way if it is a four figure watch and was admires chances are the admirer picked up that it wasn’t a cheap copy watch. Usually you can tell an expensive one from one off the market stall. So would have thought why is she saying that?

@Namechange3784

Gumboots29 I need to be prepared with answers as people ask me! I’m living near where I grew up in a single parent family with no money and people assume I’m in the same situation. My friends talk about finance deals and credit cards and the best way to finance stuff. I know people will ask me as they will assume I must have used some form of credit and want to know the details as that’s what they’re interested in. It’s a hot topic of conversation! I’m always asked if I’m still paying back my student loans (it’s weird that I went to university) and I say no, it’s assumed everything ‘gets put on the credit card’ eg Christmas etc. and people talk about which ones have the best rates etc.

Oh yikes I totally get it. I’m in not a dissimilar situation but thankfully nobody has every asked to that extent!

OP, I used to be like this - less so after quite a bit of therapy (the therapy was due to something else, but this got resolved through the work too).

It could be a variety of things.... I wonder to what extant it's only with financial things? Or is it also with anything you 'have'- Eg do you also downplay your talents or not talk about nice things you have experienced, in case it makes others feel bad?

If it's limited to money, then Probably you have some shameful/guilty feelings around money, and there will be links to childhood most likely.

It may be wider though - in the sense that it's not ok to have anything for yourself... that people will be upset and grudge you it, or even take it away if you have anything good for yourself. You mentioned your sister taking things of yours so this may be part of it. If your parents saw you as the more lucky/gifted one this may also have made you feel bad about the blessings you have.

For me it was a bit if both of these.

Good luck exploring- but whatever the answer is, don't beat yourself up. We all have our 'stuff'.

** You care more about what other people think of them, than you do about the feelings of your husband and children. You're dressing up petty lies and pretences as tact and modesty. Virtue signalling.

Do you really want to give your kids a message

"It's okay to lie and patronise people who don't have what we do, and pretend to be something you're not. They're so stupid they'll never catch on".**

^This

Have you thought about the fact that you might not only play down things, but can't help but fib x

Another one who does the same OP! When we moved to a bigger house in an affluent area, I was too embarrassed to say where we’d moved to!
Was supposed to buy a newer car last year and don’t want to be seen to be showing off so have kept the old one for an extra year!

Deffo linked to how we grew up - everyone through we had way more money than we actually did and I had to sort out a lot of my parents debt issues growing up, don’t want to ever look like we’re showing off about having ‘stuff’

You're kind and considerate about not flaunting things in other people's faces. Nothing to be ashamed of. I can't stand people that boast their arse off about anything and everything. They'd even sell you a grain of rice being worth thousands.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

This is exactly why I do what the OP does. I feel guilty, almost embarrassed, that I’m living a better lifestyle than when growing up.

@faithfulbird20

You're kind and considerate about not flaunting things in other people's faces. Nothing to be ashamed of. I can't stand people that boast their arse off about anything and everything. They'd even sell you a grain of rice being worth thousands.

There’s not boasting then there’s telling weird lies. Lying that your expensive handbag is a fake isn’t being kind and considerate, it’s being patronising and fake.

One option is You’re afraid people will think you’re a braggart and take a disliking to you based on that and so you are trying to be modest. Nobody likes oneupmanship.

2nd might be you’re afraid of people knowing how much money you have or want them to think you are conservative with cash so they are less likely to ask you for money and take advantage. If that’s happened in the past it could be a defence mechanism.

What you do is fine but maybe you’re doing it too much. It’s okay sometimes for people to know.

I think it is an indication that you aren't that comfortable in your own skin and still outsource your self-worth to others' perceptions of you to a degree.

Try practicing the positive opposite so you aren't so reflexive in your self-deprecating commentary.

I like your bag = thank you, I do too.
We are going on holiday = I'm really looking forward to a change of scenery and a rest - do you have any plans?

To be honest I think the present one was just sensible - kids have odd reactions and you get to have some special time just with them and choose which time you share with others.

Nothing wrong with a few hours sat chatting at the dining table. Invite people OP.

Whoops wrong thread. Sorry. As you were.

People boasting and showing off I have this I have that I have this that the other for this amount is pathetic @sportsmother let's hope you're a better mother than your opinions. Might have done better by focusing on other subjects rather than 'sports'.

Interesting thread. I remember going to see a US comedian in the 80s (Kelly Monteith, anyone remember him?) and he’d observed this negating of compliments thing (“that’s a nice watch” “oh, I got it in a sale” “what a lovely dress” “what, this old thing?”) and wondered if it was a British thing. Do people in other countries do it as much?

Growing up in the 60s and 70s it was hammered into be that showing off and appearing big headed were bad and modesty and self effacement were good.

This is interesting, I do this too, not just with things I buy or compliments I get but I've noticed I also do it when someone compliments my dc for "being very clever / being so good at xyz / so early at xyz" and I automatically say "yes but they're so late at xxx or rubbish at xxx"
I really needed to make an effort to stop doing this once I noticed I was projecting to dc. In my case it's because ever since I was little, I would get comments along the lines of "oh you just win at everything" (one of 4 kids, I'm the only one to finish school and also went on to finish uni as one of the examples). I always felt like an outcast and I degrade myself subconsciously because I don't want to be seen as different, I want to fit in. I see compliments as someone pointing out that I bragged about something or showed off and I immediately try to rectify it. My brother once said when we were in our teens that I never need to try at anything and he always feels inferior around me. That really made sad and I think degrading myself is my way to try and not have that effect. :(

You need to understand that there is a difference between actively showing off and just quietly having nice things that you can afford.

My auntie (who gave up work when she got married) would buy and buy new clothes etc and hang them around the room to show my mum when we went round. My mum was a single parent who had to count every single penny so you can imagine how that made her feel. The difference between you and my auntie is that she was actively showing off her stuff and rubbing my mum's nose in it. You aren't doing that. You are just living your life, within your means (I assume) so anyone else's feelings towards that are their problem, not yours.

@MaxNormal

I wouldn't use the word degrade, that's a bit string! It's not like you're blowing tramps down an alley or something.

You are self-deprecating or self-effacing.

Lol yeah I also clicked to find out what the lurid degrading acts were

I haven’t been able to read to the very end of the thread, so perhaps someone else has already addressed this.

You wrote “A lot of what people are saying is really helping. Just to be clear I’m not “patronising” or think I’m better, the very opposite really!” I think you have a blind spot here. It’s important that you think about this/understand this. It is indisputably patronising to lie and manipulate in an attempt to manage other people’s thought and feelings. I understand that you fully think you are doing it to spare their feelings or to be more accepted by them, but, as another poster explained, that is treating them as if they are inadequate or child-likeare, unable to cope with the truth, i.e. you know beter than them what they can cope with knowing without them feeling bad. That is patronising. You have not realised that you are patronising people, because it is not your intention at all to do so, but you are doing it.

“givethatbabyaname
Whatever your reasons for doing this, please be aware that it can come across as extremely patronising (“you think I’d be offended by your having a handbag that’s expensive/ more than I could afford?”, “you don’t need to manage my feelings, I can handle them myself” etc).

It’s also potentially very hypocritical because, well, your handbag isn’t a fake is it? You’re portraying yourself as something that you’re not.

Basically, this isn’t just a harmless quirk of character. It’s potentially quite hurtful and rude.“

Also, I think it is highly counterproductive that you are lying to people’s faces, spontaneously, and about things that they haven’t even raised.

People are not thick. They will spot that you will straight-faced lie to them about unimportant things at the drop of a hat. They may then not trust you, be suspicious of what’s motivating you or, at least, realise that you have a problem and feel sorry for you. Also, if you have children, they are noting all the lies you tell people, how ashamed you are of your expenditure, that how afraid you are of others’ hypothetical reactions and your lack of confidence in others to be able to cope graciously with the fact anyone else earning/spending more. Not great.

I don’t see a problem with telling your awful sister who bullied you as a child and stole everything nice you had that your purse is fake.

The “patronising” comments are just weird to me. If you told me you got something on sale snd I found out it was not true I’d just think that was your own issue. I wouldn’t feel feelings about my own self-worth.

As I’ve got older I’ve really learned to try and and accept both complements and apologies graciously. It might be helpful to remember that it’s actually quite bad manners to deflect a compliment with “oh this old thing / oh it’s fake” as it is saying the complement giver is not right to admire. Similarly when someone apologises I accept their apology but don’t say “oh don’t worry it was fine” etc. just accept as you would a compliment.

Interestingly, in your examples you give of “degrading” (though like others I’d dispute that word but I know what you mean) it is YOU who is bringing money / cost into conversation when they haven’t been the topics. So again it might be helpful to think it’s pot manners to bring up money / cost of things in general conversation.

I do the things you mentioned so it rings a bell. I have a complex relationship with money due to a chaotic childhood with an alcoholic parent. Don’t beat yourself up @Anon11119