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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my DP’s behaviour at the table

183 replies

Soembarrrrassed · 25/12/2021 19:59

Christmas dinner at my mums this year. DP has been quite sulky not really joining in. Mum spent ages trying to make dinner perfect. He starts eating and says ‘sorry I’m going to have to spit this out it’s too fatty’, and almost spat it out at the table before I asked him to leave to do it. Then when everyone else was still eating, got up as soon as he was finished to go for a cigarette, leaving my family feeling really awkward. We’ve been together three years, it’s never happened before - AIBU to feel really embarrassed by this?

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 26/12/2021 10:04

Start 2022 without him - what a knobhead!

LowlandLucky · 26/12/2021 10:13

He wants to be elsewhere with someone else and needs you to dump him because he doesn't have the balls to dump you.

Muchmorethan · 26/12/2021 11:43

OP - what are you going to do?

itchypoopark · 26/12/2021 12:11

'And honestly, the list of transgressions you would find rude, suggests you have a really low bar for manners and behaviour from your partners'.

Of course, this comment shows you have excellent manners! Try to be a little less judgemental.

LizzieW1969 · 26/12/2021 14:45

Incredibly rude, I would be mortified. I couldn’t be around someone who behaved like that around my family, or anyone else he was visiting.

RustySpringboard · 26/12/2021 14:54

He clearly has no manners or common decency. What an arsehole. Your poor mum. Unfortunately, you'll always remember he did that every Christmas. Pretty unforgivable.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 15:29

@itchypoopark

'And honestly, the list of transgressions you would find rude, suggests you have a really low bar for manners and behaviour from your partners'.

Of course, this comment shows you have excellent manners! Try to be a little less judgemental.

Its rude to form an opinion based on something someone has wrote on a discussion forum?

It appears you aren't really sure what rude actually is.

Not really feeling like I need to take lessons in manners from someone who think as long as someone isn't racist or pervert, everything is fine.

itchypoopark · 26/12/2021 15:52

"Its rude to form an opinion based on something someone has wrote on a discussion forum?

It appears you aren't really sure what rude actually is.

Not really feeling like I need to take lessons in manners from someone who think as long as someone isn't racist or pervert, everything is fine."

Oh dear, you are really taking this all too seriously. Just take a deep breath, count to ten and remember this is 'Mumsnet', not Squid Games.

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2021 16:18

@Soembarrrrassed

My mum said that he’s often gone off for a cigarette when they were still eating, made rude comments, never says please or thank you...
Were you not present at the time?
dogaibu · 26/12/2021 16:23

Screw that, he'd be dumped

Kite22 · 26/12/2021 16:47

@Soembarrrrassed

My mum said that he’s often gone off for a cigarette when they were still eating, made rude comments, never says please or thank you...
How can you not have noticed this, in 3 years ??
Branleuse · 26/12/2021 16:53

Spitting out the gristle from your meal is gross, but its hardly savagery. You might do it at home I guess but not a formal dinner. Is it always super formal at your mothers? Maybe he is used to more casual christmas dinners?
He sounds too relaxed and your mother sounds uptight. Maybe its a fundamemtal incompatibility, but the comments here are a bit hysterical.
The going for a fag halfway through a meal. I dont like it but its quite common with heavy smokers. I have been to plenty of uptight meals where id have been glad of the excuse to take 5.

CambsAlways · 26/12/2021 17:00

Absolutely disgusting

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2021 17:20

If he never does this with his own family and friends then he is doing this so that you will be too embarrassed to spend time with your family. It’s the beginning of isolating you.

Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
If he is equally rude around his own family and friends then you need to decide how important manners are to you in a life partner. Bear in mind your children will likely behave in the same way. Are you ok with being embarrassed at every family event for the rest of your life??

Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 18:16

@itchypoopark

"Its rude to form an opinion based on something someone has wrote on a discussion forum?

It appears you aren't really sure what rude actually is.

Not really feeling like I need to take lessons in manners from someone who think as long as someone isn't racist or pervert, everything is fine."

Oh dear, you are really taking this all too seriously. Just take a deep breath, count to ten and remember this is 'Mumsnet', not Squid Games.

That does even make sense. 🙄
Kite22 · 27/12/2021 12:33

Makes sense to me Doesn't

I do agree with Branleuse to some extent though, some of the comments on here are somewhat OTT.

I mean, I like people with good manners. However, different people have different levels of where they 'set the bar' in terms of what is acceptable and what isn't. Some people live their lives doing stuff I would consider rude, without even being aware that someone like me considers it rude, and there are others who are far more Hyacinth Bucket than I am, and worry about 'etiquette' that I never knew existed.

If the OP has happily been together with her partner for 3 years, then I'm guessing she is quite comfortable with his standards (?) level (?) of manners or behaviour generally, and just needs to work a way of bridging the gap between what she finds acceptable and what her parents do for future occasions - ask them both to compromise a bit. Explain to both people what the other side is thinking or is used to.

Youdoyoutoday · 27/12/2021 13:40

Up your standards and leave him.

BlancheB · 27/12/2021 13:50

Listen to your mum.

5128gap · 27/12/2021 14:05

OP has been with this man for 3 years, which presumably means she loves, likes and respects him, enjoys his company and considers him a good one. Yet he does one thing, which admittedly isn't the best, and people think she should get rid of him? The entire person judged on one incident of poor manners? I've never known such dramatics. And on MN that's saying something. And I certainly wouldn't listen to my mum on the basis of reported lapses in behaviour so minor I hadn't noticed them. OP if you are otherwise happy with this man, just point out it was unacceptable and move on.

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2021 14:40

The entire person judged on one incident of poor manners? I've never known such dramatics.

But according to OP's Mum, this is not a one off incident, it has happened a lot. Might be an idea to read all OP's updates before posting.

5128gap · 27/12/2021 14:49

@KatherineJaneway

The entire person judged on one incident of poor manners? I've never known such dramatics.

But according to OP's Mum, this is not a one off incident, it has happened a lot. Might be an idea to read all OP's updates before posting.

If you read my post you would clearly see i referenced the mother's comment.
WakeUpLockie · 27/12/2021 14:53

That’s revolting. My sister’s husband does this - once because something tasted of alcohol (he’s an alcoholic, ok, but still vile), and once spat his TOOTH out. What the fuck. Excuse yourself!

BellatricksStrange · 27/12/2021 15:43

Some times it seems to me that some posters are just so bitter, they just can't stand that someone else might be in a relationship. Honestly the vitriol of some replies is just staggering.

OP, of course it was rude. Do you really need to ask? Your DP isn't perfect. Nobody is. Almost certainly neither are you. The question is whether overall you are happy in the relationship and if you see yourself continuing to live with him. If yes, absolutely have a calm word with him about his rudeness, but that's it. Live with it - there is no such thing as an OH who never rubs you the wrong way.

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2021 16:41

If you read my post you would clearly see i referenced the mother's comment.

I did read your post, just because you wouldn't give value to what OP's Mum said, doesn't mean it doesn't have value. Considering what looks like lots of behaviour the OP's rose tinted glasses might have missed, I think it is significant.

5128gap · 27/12/2021 17:29

@KatherineJaneway

If you read my post you would clearly see i referenced the mother's comment.

I did read your post, just because you wouldn't give value to what OP's Mum said, doesn't mean it doesn't have value. Considering what looks like lots of behaviour the OP's rose tinted glasses might have missed, I think it is significant.

I would have thought that an adult woman would not, over a three year period, miss the sort of transgressions that warranted an immediate break up, unless pointed out by her mother.
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