To be so embarrassed by my DP’s behaviour at the table

[Soembarrrrassed]

Christmas dinner at my mums this year. DP has been quite sulky not really joining in. Mum spent ages trying to make dinner perfect. He starts eating and says ‘sorry I’m going to have to spit this out it’s too fatty’, and almost spat it out at the table before I asked him to leave to do it. Then when everyone else was still eating, got up as soon as he was finished to go for a cigarette, leaving my family feeling really awkward. We’ve been together three years, it’s never happened before - AIBU to feel really embarrassed by this?

Time to do something about this. Would you have been defensive if your mother had mentioned this before? He sounds really awful and you sound as though you've been blind to his behaviour.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

Better he spat it out than vomitted!

You discretely dispose of it by spitting into a serviette/napkin , you don't announce it and make a performance of it !

I'd just like to add that the Xmas before I found out that my exH was cheating, we were invited to his parents for a few days. He acted like a total a-hole to everyone - sulking not speaking, being glued to the TV, not wanting to play games, helping himself to his das cigarettes etc.
On Boxing Day I told him I'd had enough and that we were going home the next day. We left at 9.00.am.

Keep your eyes peeled OP, it sound like he's checking out ready to check in with someone else.

*'dad's'

@UserBot

Very rude. My mum raised me to eat everything, smile and nod and say mmmm thank you, even if it was gone off.

So I'd have been mortified in your shoes, my mother witnessing that.
Although i know some families might be more breeeeeezy about this kind of thing.

You dont have to eat it, but you can be discrete. My mother certainly tried teaching me that but I have an issue with some food consistencies and simply vomit if I try it. My mother stopped trying to make me eat certain things, because its not voluntary.

@ShippingNews

So your mother has noticed how rude he is, but you haven't ? Take the rose-coloured glasses off, he is rude and horrible.

I agree.

Does he not know how to eat? Or is your mother supposed to remove skin, bones and fat from his plate to ensure that he gets a perfect forkful every time.

To do that as described smacks of huge immaturity. But to then go and light up afterwards is massively rude and totally selfish. If I was your parents I’d be seriously worried.

He sounds like a significant nob.

This sounds like the sort of thing by ex would do. Rude/disrespectful behaviour - acting out - he was unhappy apparently.

Call him out on it.

LTB

That would put me right off!

I think he would have to go.

Get rid, these are big red flags

Plus he needs to bring more to the table than manners, that's just a basic requirement

You and your family deserve better

So in fact his behaviour wasn't out of character at all, was it?

You need to move on, without him.

Think how upsetting this must be for your parents.

Make your Mum’s Christmas and tell her that you’ve dumped the rude scrote! You deserve a lot better than him.

He sounds like an anti-social, ill-brought up dirty pig. Do you really want to breed with that thing? Dump him immediately, what a filthy fuckying grot he is! Have some self respect and get rid. I'd rather be single than with a filthy dirty anti-social pig like that.

My mum said that he’s often gone off for a cigarette when they were still eating, made rude comments, never says please or thank you...

Lots of smokers do this. It's fucking rude and disrespectful, especially to come back in and contaminate the atmosphere around the dining table with their disgusting fresh fag breath (which is always worse for having been out in the cold air for some reason) while others are still trying to enjoy their food.

But they do it because they are addicts and they've been sitting there desperately counting down the minutes and waiting for the first opportunity to leave the room to get their fix. They don't even stop to consider how they look to others.

Addicts are inherently selfish and self absorbed. They care more about feeding their addiction than about the comfort of those around them.

That's the same whether it's fags, getting a bit too drunk in polite company, or being a heroin junkie. They and their immediate desires always come first.

Although he sounds very rude generally and I am surprised it's taken you three years to notice.

Your updates are even worse op
Dump him

Do you live with him? You'd never noticed this behaviour before? Bad manners are a no for me.

He is showing you his true colours - the mask has slipped. Unfortunately, he may well put the mask back on, and you will be convinced it was a one off or excuse it in some way. Really look at how he treats people he doesn't like or who displease him in anyway. Retrospectively I mean - don't hang around for further examples. Eventually, this is how he will treat you and any children you may have, when they reach an age where they have a mind of their own. Listen to your mother and RUN. The red flags are slapping you in the face. Many here will be speaking from experience -, either personal or from watching those they live being ground down by people like him. As a PP has said - make you mum's Christmas. One awful Christmas for the sake of avoiding many awful ones in the future. Please please please.

Fast forward 20 years. What’s his health looking like? COPD and a wheelchair?

A bit dramatic perhaps but how long has he been a smoker already?

I have been with my husband for 30 years. When all is said and done, nice manners are very important. Your dp seems to have been raised with a decided lack of them. It seems that your dp can't be taken out in polite society. I would get rid of him immediately. Was he really going to spit it out at the table? I mean in dire circumstances you can use the fork to discreetly get the offending bit back to the plate even in the absence of a suitable napkin. He is a rude oaf. Make your mother happy and give him the boot.

I love this thread! Actually I am not absolutely mortally offended on your behalf OP, because your husband was so uncouth at Mummy's dinner table. He spat out some gristle and went off for a fag. He did not spout out racist and sexist abuse, beat anyone, expose himself, fart in your mother's face, throw up all over the dog, do drugs in the pantry, end up face down in the sherry trifle, or commit any number of offences that really might be worthy of more than a raised eyebrow or two.
It might be an idea to see how he could be supported with his smoking habit. If he had to leave the table to smoke, he may have a serious nicotine additiction.

addiction even

Sorry, just read the updates about his previous behaviour and the rude comments. Try publicly remining him of the need to be polite e.g. 'What do we say dear?' 'I think that deserves a 'thank you' darling.' in time, he might get a bit tired of being treated like a small child.

The smoking does need to be addressed, for his health's sake.

@itchypoopark

Sorry, just read the updates about his previous behaviour and the rude comments. Try publicly remining him of the need to be polite e.g. 'What do we say dear?' 'I think that deserves a 'thank you' darling.' in time, he might get a bit tired of being treated like a small child.

The smoking does need to be addressed, for his health's sake.

Who wants a partner that they have to treat like a child?

Who finds that an attractive trait in a partner?

And honestly, the list of transgressions you would find rude, suggests you have a really low bar for manners and behaviour from your partners