Page 7 | DP bought present for ex not me

Cocopogo · 2021-12-23T23:46:31+00:00

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year. I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything. AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

WeAllHaveWings · 24/12/2021 09:34

@WeAllHaveWings Yet he still chose to buy his ex a present. So I doubt he will feel like shit as he clearly has no decency or common sense. The present for the OP, is now the ex's present. So he still bought a present. Just gave it to an ex.

They are two completely separate issues and it just confuses things to bring them together.

He is allowed to buy a present for a friend who I assume he buys for every year. If the op doesnt like their relationship or thinks there is something going on that is very separate from him sticking to their agreement not to get each other presents.

AlexaShutUp · 24/12/2021 09:38

Why did you agree no gifts when you bought a gift yourself and clearly wanted to receive one?

Maybe your new year's resolution should be to say what you actually want?

Dishwashersaurous · 24/12/2021 09:38

The scenario outlined in the op. Yabu

You don't trust your partner and thinks he cheats -ltb

Blankscreen · 24/12/2021 09:39

I would find this really hurtful.

Hard to put into words why but I just would.

You feel how you feel and only you know if it is a deal-breaker.

I think I would be uncomfortable with an ex being that friendly.

BoudecaBains · 24/12/2021 09:39

@TheCatterall

So you told him not to buy you something. He has followed your instructions.

You breached your own agreement without his knowledge.

And now your mad/sad about it…

He can’t win can he.

If his friend was male would you be less jealous about not getting a gift as you requested?

Please don’t expect him to be psychic. Please don’t mess around with partners by getting them to agree to X because you want a certain result elsewhere (the shared large purchase) and then being annoyed at them when they stick to the very agreement you requested.

This, with bells on. You agreed you wouldn't do presents so he didn't. Now you are bent out of shape coz you ignored what you agreed and he bought something for somebody else. I'd be the one selecting reverse gear if I were him.

ArabellaScott · 24/12/2021 09:40

I can't help wondering - what did he get his ex? Was it a telescope?

Anyway, sorry, OP. It sounds like the relationship with his ex needs discussion and honesty, on both parts.

Jayaywhynot · 24/12/2021 09:47

Throw him back into the cockwomble pond.
You don't buy a Christmas present for an ex if you're no longer interested, he's interested in her.
I can't get my head round how he's thought about and bought a present for his ex and it hasn't crossed his mind to do the same for you, even though you've agreed not to exchange gifts.
The ex is higher up the pecking order in his life.
Dump him

Tal45 · 24/12/2021 09:47

I'd leave on the basis that he has a friendship that you're really not comfortable with. Why go through your whole life with that hanging around in the background - especially when it's clear he'd put the friendship before your relationship.
He also dithered over getting the thing with you but there was no dithering over getting her a present - what was it and how much did it cost? I think that makes a difference.

SoupDragon · 24/12/2021 09:48

Have you bought any gifts for friends?

backtolifebacktoreality · 24/12/2021 09:52

So he has a friend who he has bought presents for previously. He's bought you and your DC presents previously too.

This year you've asked him not to buy you or your DC a present as you are going to buy something jointly with him.

He's done what you've asked.

He didn't ask him to not buy his friend a present too.

He can't win!!!

If you don't want him being friends with his ex then that's a different issue!

hardboiledeggs · 24/12/2021 09:53

No chance I’d stay after that. He clearly wants more from her. Run OP run!

7eleven · 24/12/2021 09:55

You agreed not to do presents. He’s not bought you a present. Mmmm what’s he done wrong?

CallMeNutribullet · 24/12/2021 09:57

Op the issue is that you're uncomfortable with the friendship. He has a right to say the friendship is non negotiable but you need to decide if you can live with that in the relationship - eg accept it or leave.
You played a game this year where you told him not to get you something then got upset when he did what you said. You telling him not to get you anything doesn't mean "don't buy anything for anyone else you normally would get a gift for either"

Bagamoyo1 · 24/12/2021 10:07

@WtfHuh1122

Why are you sitting there saying to him no gifts this year and then buying him a gift and being annoyed he hasn't bought you one....?

This is exactly what I was wondering.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2021 10:08

@hardboiledeggs

No chance I’d stay after that. He clearly wants more from her. Run OP run!

Do you only buy for people in expectation of sex?

mam0918 · 24/12/2021 10:15

if they had kids I get it but as it stands it seems very much like your the consolation prize for the girl he actually wanted and is still trying to cling too.

Remaining on polite/friendly grounds with an ex is one thing, still buying them Xmas gifts is weird but still seeing them regularly and buying them gifts but not your actual partner and stepchildren is entirely different.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2021 10:18

@mam0918

if they had kids I get it but as it stands it seems very much like your the consolation prize for the girl he actually wanted and is still trying to cling too.

Remaining on polite/friendly grounds with an ex is one thing, still buying them Xmas gifts is weird but still seeing them regularly and buying them gifts but not your actual partner and stepchildren is entirely different.

But he would have brought op and her kids, but SHE TOLD HIM NO

Bagamoyo1 · 24/12/2021 10:30

YABVU regarding the presents. You specifically told him not to buy you or your kids a present. You agreed you wouldn’t buy for each other. You’ve now done that passive aggressive thing of buying a present anyway, as a sort of secret test, which he’s failed even though he didn’t know he was taking a test! He can’t win. I would be really cross with someone who sneakily bought me a present after we’d agreed not to, thereby making me feel guilty.

When you agreed no presents, did you explain to him that he wasn’t allowed to buy anyone else presents either?

If you have a problem with his friendship with his ex, then that’s obviously a different story. Maybe he’s being unfair, maybe he isn’t . We don’t know enough of the details.

But in terms of the present, YABU without question.

LlamasintheFog · 24/12/2021 10:33

Am not getting the hate for the guy here, you agreed no presents. He will have bought his friend a gift because he's expecting a gift from her and would be embarrassed not to reciprocate. When he told you he wouldn't end the friendship that was your decision time. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who told me who I could be friends with but I understand others will have a different perspective. In terms of this specific situation, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

SalonSharon · 24/12/2021 10:39

He was friends with this person before he met you so you have no right to demand that they don’t see each other. If YOU have the issue with it then you must end the relationship. She’s his friend so he is entitled to buy her a present if he wishes.

Secondly, it’s really bad form for you to say no presents and then buy one. My abusive ex husband used to do this so he could tell everyone that he’d bought me a present and that I hadn’t bought him one. I find the fact you said no presents so you could coerce him into buying a joint item quite manipulative too.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 10:54

@SalonSharon

He was friends with this person before he met you so you have no right to demand that they don’t see each other. If YOU have the issue with it then you must end the relationship. She’s his friend so he is entitled to buy her a present if he wishes.

Secondly, it’s really bad form for you to say no presents and then buy one. My abusive ex husband used to do this so he could tell everyone that he’d bought me a present and that I hadn’t bought him one. I find the fact you said no presents so you could coerce him into buying a joint item quite manipulative too.

@SalonSharon He was friends with this person before he met you so you have no right to demand that they don’t see each other.

So you'd be happy with your DP buying an ex girlfriend a present while buying you nothing? Really? Because I doubt it. It just reads like victim-blaming from you, and that is manipulative.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 10:58

@LlamasintheFog

Am not getting the hate for the guy here, you agreed no presents. He will have bought his friend a gift because he's expecting a gift from her and would be embarrassed not to reciprocate. When he told you he wouldn't end the friendship that was your decision time. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who told me who I could be friends with but I understand others will have a different perspective. In terms of this specific situation, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

@LlamasintheFog You honestly don't get why some of us think it's wrong that he buys his ex girlfriend a gift, but nothing for his actual current DP? Really? would you be happy if your DP/DH bought nothing for you while buying something for an ex?

Be honest. I don't think you would.

Brainwave89 · 24/12/2021 11:02

Lots of couples agree not to buy each other presents at Christmas- I do this with my DH. If you then decide you do not want to hold to this bargain, he simply will not know. Christmas morning, he is also likely to be quite embarrassed. Which leaves us with the question of buying the ex a present. if this is a small present, for what you are sure is now a platonic relationship, then I would not worry. If you are concerned he still has feelings/ is still involved with the ex then you need to speak to him about this.

Greensmoothie1 · 24/12/2021 11:08

@Cocopogo

No he hasn’t bought anything for anyone else. Last year he bought for me and my DC and the ex/friend. This year he has just bought for her. I did say not to buy for me and DC and we’ll buy this joint thing, more to encourage the purchase of joint thing which he was hesitating about. I very much doubt there is a secret gift. I suppose I’m just being grabby but I would have appreciated a little thing to open.

Fair enough you told him not to buy presents for you and your dc… but he’s not even bought gifts for his parents, siblings etc? The only person he’s thought of is his ex? How long have you been together? I don’t think he’s over this ex.

Lou98 · 24/12/2021 11:10

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs he hasn't bought his DP a gift because she's told him not to!!

It's not as if he never usually gets his friend a present but because he wasn't getting the OP he decided he'd get her one instead. He always gets her one, every year - the OP knew this, it's ridiculous to then say because she decided to say not to do presents this year that that means he can't buy his friend that he normally would one.

It's irrelevant that she's an ex, she's still his friend. I agree with @LlamasintheFog - they were friends before him and OP met, if OP wasn't comfortable being with someone that's friends with an ex, she shouldn't have started the relationship in the first place. You can't start a relationship with someone, knowing they're friends with someone, then try make them end the friendship