DP bought present for ex not me

[Cocopogo]

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

YABU - it doesn’t matter who else he brought for.
You both agreed to not buy for each other.

Stop trying to find something to argue about.
Save the present you got for him as it’s not fair to give it to him when you agreed not to. And next year agree to do presents.

Why are you with him, he is still involved with his fwb, she is not an ex. You deserve better, he has said the situation wont change, how do you know he bought her a present.

Everyone saying he “didn’t buy the OP a gift” - he did, he bought her (and her DC) part of a more expensive item. Just because the OP isn’t physically opening it on Christmas Day, that doesn’t take away from the fact that he did buy them part of something that was clearly agreed would be the present.

I hate people that play mind games like this. Don’t insist on something then throw your toys out of the pram when the person does what you insisted.

Again, if you’re unhappy, then leave the relationship, there’s absolutely no need for this petty game playing.

He bought a present for his ex, from years ago, who he has no kids with??

Fuck that, sorry he'd be gone

Options are being kept open.

@ItIsntWhatYouThink In the context which the OP has given us - ie where the no presents between the couple is pre-arranged - yes I would be happy.
Now, have I ever done the no-presents thing? No, because it's fraught with the risk of one person (like the OP) buying a little something and the other being pissed off they have nothing at all. But that's totally separate from the friendship which the OP doesn't trust. Whether she has genuine reason to not trust the friendship, we just don't have enough information to judge.

I can’t believe so many posters think it’s weird to be friends with exes.

I voted YABU

Because you agreed not to get presents, which is what he has done.

Getting his ex a present would annoy me, but if they've genuinely been just friends for years and I trusted my DP then I'd say nothing and make sure I didn't do the whole 'no present' thing again.

Also I really hate it when people agree no presents then buy a present - all it's going to do is make the other person feel guilty for sticking to the agreement!

I think you need to separate the two issues.

If you agreed no presents, that's what you agreed. Don't agree to it if it's not what you want and state your wishes clearly (I've been the person who didn't buy and got 'surprised' with a gift that just left both of us feeling awkward). It might be difficult now, but this as an issue in it's own right is really minor and easily resolvable for the future. Don't overthink it.

The present for the ex needs to be looked at in terms of the effect their friendship has on your relationship overall, not about a Christmas present. Regardless of what is going on between them or not, their friendship clearly makes you uncomfortable. It's not for me or any other Internet randoms to decide if your DP is a philanderer or you're a bit paranoid, but if your viewpoints on this relationship are incompatible you either put up with it (probably miserably), get him to end their friendship (probably with resentment), or split up. There isn't really any other option.

Christmas Eve is probably not the best time to be having those difficult conversations though.

Gosh the backstory coming in from other posters is bizarre!

So 'DP' is actually a brand new boyfriend (who should run for the hills because OP's behaviour is bonkers) ... or he's the on-again off-again cheat who OP should have long since kicked to the curb? Is that right? Either way there is no 'DP'.

Curious about this 'shared present', and whose idea it was. I assumed a household item paid for jointly by committed partners, but now I wonder ...

OP, things will go better if you deal in what's actually there, and act accordingly, instead of trying to manipulate events to match the fantasy in your head.

Whilst linked I think there are two issues. The lack of presents for you is fine as it's what you said and speaking from experience it's a dick move on your part to then set him up to fail by buying something from you.

The present for his ex given their history (timing and lack of DC) does seem a bit odd though and you're right to be a bit uneasy I reckon.

**
He was friends with this person before he met you so you have no right to demand that they don’t see each other. If YOU have the issue with it then you must end the relationship. She’s his friend so he is entitled to buy her a present if he wishes.

Secondly, it’s really bad form for you to say no presents and then buy one. My abusive ex husband used to do this so he could tell everyone that he’d bought me a present and that I hadn’t bought him one. I find the fact you said no presents so you could coerce him into buying a joint item quite manipulative too.**

^This. OP is manipulative and controlling.

@Dishwashersaurous

So last year he bought presents for you, the kids, and his friend.

Then you explicitly told him and agreed not to do presents between you.

He then followed the agreement and didn't buy you a present.

But he bought one for his friend, as they didn't have any agreement not to get something.

You then ignored your agreement and bought him something.

Surely he's the one who should be upset as it is you who ignored the no present agreement.

If you wanted a present then why did you agree no present?

Exactly what I wanted to say

As he bought for his friend last year,there was a good chance he would do the same this year.
You didn't need to tell him not to buy for you and your dc but you did.
Now you have bought for him and also want a gift.
Can you see you are not being logical here?
Are you happy with him otherwise?

Why do people think it is wrong for someone to follow through with an agreement?
Or does it only apply to agreements not to buy presents?

He'd now be my ex tbh.

Why can people not learn to communicate clearly?

So passive aggressive to say let's not buy presents for each other, then break it by buying something for your partner . You are upset because you think he's bought nothing for you, yet this is doing what you told him, and he will be really wrong footed to receive something from you if he hasn't got you anything back .

If you think the relationship has any chance of lasting you need to look at your communication as a couple .

The issue of his friendship with his ex is another matter . The present for her can't be unexpected if it's normal practice that they buy for each other . The relationship in general, well you need to decide if this is something you are willing to accept long term . Do you feel his friendship with her is more important to him than your relationship? Do you think he would resume their relationship if it's what she wanted ? Are you willing to always feel second best?

I may be wrong but it sounds as if your relationship is fairly new, and that it's more of a priority to you than to him.

I'd be more sad that he's bought for her but not your DC.

These are 2 completely separate issues

You agreed not to buy gifts for each other. He stuck to the agreement. He might be irritated that you didn't do what had been agreed. YABU

He's in touch with an ex / FWB. Some people might be ok with that, but you're not, and you're entitled to feel that way. Question is, what will you do about it?

Have you spoken to him op?

It's not weird to be friends with an ex. I am friends with a very significant ex. Do I buy her a Christmas gift. No I don't.

I have lots of friends and I don't buy any of them Christmas gifts.

If she is the only "friend" for whom your partner buys a gift then I would be questioning why. If he buys all his mates presents then fair enough.

You agreed to get each other nothing. This is the reason he hasn't gotten you something.

Whatever the story with the ex is, him buying her a present has nothing to do with him not buying you a present.

If you want a present from him in future, then don't agree not to get each other anything.

Two separate issues here.
One you agreed no pressies if you want that to change you need to tell him.
Two he buys his ex a present. Is that a problem? If it is then you should talk to him about it.

He made his thoughts very clear didn't he.

I don't think not giving a gift is a problem if you've agreed that but for him to buy his ex a gift is not right, they have no children together so it's not like he's buying on behalf of anyone. I have no idea now why you've found this out your still with him? Give the gift to someone else and dump him is my answer.