Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

He's not making you happy, so what's the point of the marriage? If you don't finish it now, you'll have to do it later. He's a nasty bully.

Nah, I couldn't be bothered with this. When you could have a much more stress-free existence even as a single mum, why put yourself through living with this wanker? He doesn't seem to make you happy at all and is happy to scare you when he is angry. Get rid.

And when the baby arrives.

A man who already takes his rage out on a vulnerable woman, deliberately frightening her by doing something dangerous.

The noise, sleepless nights, disruption, nappies, your attention not on him and what he wants.

What's he going to do then?

@Dillydollydingdong

He's not making you happy, so what's the point of the marriage? If you don't finish it now, you'll have to do it later. He's a nasty bully.

It was kind of bearable before. But it's getting pretty shit now.

I think it's a number of things that he resents me for ;

1. Not enough sex ( it's pretty non existent, I just don't want to, ever )

1. Had huge rows with in laws not long ago. He did take my side, but he resents that I still resent them for what they did / said to me. He thinks I need to let it go. I'm friendly to them for the sake of the family, but it's completely fake. I really dislike them and any time I spend with them and he knows that, because I tell him. He thinks it's time I move on and shut up about it.

1. I don't mother him enough and expect him to help out and tell him to do stuff around the house. 90 percent of our arguments are about him just not pulling his weight around the house and with our daughter in general. Dumb examples include stuff like just leaving stuff out after he's used it, expecting food and being grumpy when there's none.. that kind of spoilt teenage shit. When I say, please can you do XYZ, as usual, I'm nagging.

I think those are our main issues.

@SocialConnection

And when the baby arrives.

A man who already takes his rage out on a vulnerable woman, deliberately frightening her by doing something dangerous.

The noise, sleepless nights, disruption, nappies, your attention not on him and what he wants.

What's he going to do then?

It will be my problem. Like with the last baby

You both need to calm down and take a breath. Then sit down and have reasoned conversation about your future and how best to support each other. Having a child can be a testing time in any relationship so you need to be on the same page. Tell him how you feel but don't lose your rag, that just doesn't help.

You child will need both of you in the coming years so don't just give up. Try and find a way to connect with each other.

Just my opinion.

Sounds like you don't like him at all (to be fair, he sounds unlikeable). Seriously, get out of this relationship. It's not meant to be 'bearable'. You don't have to be married in this day and age and if you ditch him, you have a chance of finding someone you actually like and who respects you. Think about your kids too - that would be hideous growing up in the environment you describe.

OP it's clear from what you've said that he's at least borderline abusive, as well as being just your standard misogynist arsehole who regards his wife as housekeeper, nanny and sex provider. I'm betting there are plenty of other awful things he says and does which you haven't even gone into.

Leaving won't be easy, but it's surely better than tolerating decades more of this? He can barely conceal his contempt for you, he is willing to do dangerous things just to scare you and he'll probably be a bad influence on your dc.

He sounds like a complete tool!! I really don't know how I would approach trying to sort things with him. Do you want to?

The speeding to frighten you is absolutely disgraceful. I believe that his speed frightened you but if he does try and turn it around on you and say "it wasn't that fast it was the feel of the acceleration" that does not matter. What matters is that he scared you.

When I was 16 my bf at the time was 20. He was driving really fast I was asking him to slow down, coming towards a very sharp corner started screaming at him to slow down. He said "I'll make it" we didn't. Thankfully we weren't badly hurt but it was close. I broke up with him there and then.

Yet another manbaby getting resentful when mummy 2 gives another kiddy her attention.

How does this happen? Where are these coming from? Men who want time to stand still and refuse to grow up and mature?

Another recent thread was started by an OP starting with how her relationship had tanked, what horrible things he was saying about her being no fun, how he despised her, then he walked out ... And very quickly added in her discovery of the other woman, ow's husband finding out, husband trying to worm his way back, using the child as emotional blackmail. The Script.

Please read Refuge's article on DV and pregnancy - there's a lot out there.

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/

His behaviour is frightening and dangerous. Just because he hasn't hit you (yet) doesn't mean he isn't abusive. Putting your life at risk out of anger is pretty unforgiveable.

In your fear and anger, you've told him the truth. You hate him.

You hate him, OP.

It doesn't really matter why (from what you've said, sounds totally justified) but the fact that's where you are means it's over. It has to be over, because you can't stay with someone you hate, especially when they are scary and dangerous as he is.

You need to get you and your kids away from him. What's the house situation? Can he leave? Do you have family or friends you could go to? Have you ever spoken to Women's Aid or found out what your rights are/finances would be like?

@BoudecaBains your suggestion might work with a reasonable man , but by the sound of it , this is not a reasonable man , arguments are part of a relationship but him speeding in a car is done to purposely scare the op and let her know he’s in control, that coupled with calling her names and doing nothing to help around the house.

Abusers just can’t be reasoned with.

I might have thought there could be two sides - but there is only one side when it comes to speeding, and especially speeding as a means of bullying. He was endangering you, your (and his!) unborn baby, and everyone else on the road. Sadly I think this relationship is going nowhere that's safe, and you should leave, if possible before the baby is born.

And to the poster who said you chose to marry him have sex and baby with him, I can't say this any clearer: FUCK OFF.

👏👏👏

You deserve so much better than this. Find a way to leave.

From all your updates, it sounds like this relationship is already over

Life’s too short OP.
Me and dh can bicker sometimes but he would never behave like this.
Your dp should be cherishing you and your baby.
I couldn’t live with a man like this.

"It will be my problem. Like with the last baby"

@justventing21 I defended you when another poster questioned why you would marry and have a baby with someone like that. But by the sounds of it there were already lots of issues before baby #2. So why for the love of God did you choose to have another?

End the marriage. Honestly please end it, he is vile.

What the hell is the point of asking women on these threads why they chose to get pregnant/have babies? It's none of your business. FFS. You don't need more than a tiny amount of intelligence or imagination to figure this one out for yourself.

Stop asking this stupid, cruel question.

Stop bullying women.

He is abusive.

Being abusive doesn’t mean he is hitting you. That’s being ohysically abusive.
But he is emotionally abusive. He is calling you names, have no issue in frightening the hell out of you.
And to top it all, he is lazy.

I’d make plans to leave ASAP tbh. Yea you are pregnant but it’s not like he is going to help you once the baby is here, is he?

@HacerSonarSusPasos

"It will be my problem. Like with the last baby"

@justventing21 I defended you when another poster questioned why you would marry and have a baby with someone like that. But by the sounds of it there were already lots of issues before baby #2. So why for the love of God did you choose to have another?

Because no one is always just ' someone like that ' are they ? There are times that they're ok or reasons why they're not. It's never that straight forward.

I feel like most women I know anyway, do the bulk of it with babies and small children and housework and also work. It's only ever on Mumsnet that it seems completely 50:50. Pretty much everywhere I look, in my family but also friendships, the woman is lumbered with most of it unfortunately. That's not saying it's right, but these perfect relationships where everything is equal, I only read about them on here. I've never seen it in real life. It gets old really fast though and the resentment and exhaustion is the reason things are ultimately breaking down.

You really want to know why I had another baby ? Because I felt it selfish not to leave my daughter with a sibling. Now you'll all turn around and say that I'm selfish for bringing my children into an unhappy marriage. But that's not what I set out for it to be or what I want it to continue to be.

Marriage is really difficult. I have yet to see one that's always happy.

1. Not enough sex ( it's pretty non existent, I just don't want to, ever )

If the two of you are sniping and arguing all the time, no wonder. Plus the #3 you listed would put me off sex with him, permanently. A man who expected me to 'mother' him and refuses to help out is one of the biggest turnoffs I can imagine. Throw in a child and a pregnancy with no help and it's no wonder your libido is zilch.

2. Had huge rows with in laws not long ago. He did take my side, but he resents that I still resent them for what they did / said to me. He thinks I need to let it go. I'm friendly to them for the sake of the family, but it's completely fake. I really dislike them and any time I spend with them and he knows that, because I tell him. He thinks it's time I move on and shut up about it.

I'm not saying you need to forgive them, but if you decided to 'grin and bear it', then you need to do it 'all the way' and that means not beating him over the head with it. If you can't do that, then go NC with them. Caveat: if you are 'grinning and bearing' it because he gets angry if you don't, that's another issue.

3. I don't mother him enough and expect him to help out and tell him to do stuff around the house. 90 percent of our arguments are about him just not pulling his weight around the house and with our daughter in general. Dumb examples include stuff like just leaving stuff out after he's used it, expecting food and being grumpy when there's none.. that kind of spoilt teenage shit. When I say, please can you do XYZ, as usual, I'm nagging.

OK, this is LTB territory, sorry. This is usually something that just doesn't change. He's been programmed (probably by his mum) to think that the wife does it all. Even a wife who is a SAHM deserves at least a bit of help and respite.

Honestly, I think the two of you need a break. Sounds as if you've gotten yourselves into some unhealthy dynamics. I'd probably ask him to leave for a couple of weeks (or leave myself) to give each of you time to decompress, regroup, and decide your future.

As far as him feeling he needs to be 'mothered'; I had two children and damned if I'd raise three!

He's a fucking twat. You shouldn't need us to tell you that.

Leave him. You have already came out with the truth, he doesn’t make you happy.
The fact he put you and your nearly full term pregnancy at danger says it all. The fact he hasn’t apologised or grovelled. He’s shown no remorse for scaring you at your most vulnerable.
What a fucking arsehole. You and your baby deserve way better.
So what it’s Xmas, perfect time to start a fresh and get this vile scumbag out of your life.