Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

332 replies

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 13:18

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 23/12/2021 14:07

This isn't going to get any better. It'll get worse and you'll be scared for your baby. Leave him while it's easy.

Anordinarymum · 23/12/2021 14:07

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.
'The next level'.. 'It really sucks'..........

Is it just me or is it a slow day on here ??

Chasingaftermidnight · 23/12/2021 14:07

Driving dangerously in order to intimidate you - while putting you, your baby and other road users at risk - really would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/12/2021 14:08

So many unacceptable things here OP.
Dragging his pregnant wife round the shops for stuff that he wants
Getting annoyed when she gets tired and worried about the crowds
Calling her names for leaving lights on
Driving dangerously while she screams in fear
Gaslighting her about it and saying it's all in her head

It's not surprising you shouted at him to be honest.

It doesn't sound like you're 'arguing all the time', it sounds like his behaviour towards you is selfish and unkind at best, and nasty and abusive at worst, and you are now unsurprisingly struggling to cope with it

IsThePopeCatholic · 23/12/2021 14:08

He sounds at best like a selfish prick, at worst like a vindictive abuser. Either way, you need to leave.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/12/2021 14:09

Another one here who's exh used to do this to frighten me. He also used to tell me to get out and walk if I disagreed with him driving like that, even when I was heavily pregnant or in the middle of nowhere etc. It's awful, awful behaviour.

And to the poster who said you chose to marry him have sex and baby with him, I can't say this any clearer: FUCK OFF.

FreedomAnniversary · 23/12/2021 14:09

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
Do you think that men abuse all of a sudden because 'something goes wrong drastically a few months before' or do you think that abusers have always been abusive and just hid it to trap their victims?
Silvershroud · 23/12/2021 14:10

Do you need to go shopping together? My wife and I never do, we frustrate each other and it always gets unpleasant. I think of shopping as a mission, you just go in, get what you want and go, she likes to browse and look at different things. Life is much more harmonious now we don't shop together.

GrendelsGrandma · 23/12/2021 14:12

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.
He will argue it's your fault. You will know it's not. He put you and your baby in danger and if you stay with him, he'll do it again.

Having a baby can be very stressful, this is not going to get better. You will be sleep deprived and having to put the baby first and he will resent it. Get out now.

Listen to your own instincts, not to whatever bullshit he comes out with to explain why it's your fault.

RhubarbTea · 23/12/2021 14:13

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

It's a classic abuser move to make your 'victim' feel unsafe or put them in unsafe situations.

It's also pretty textbook for an abuser to keep people waiting and not give a crap about their discomfort and needs. Name calling can be added to that list too.

He's a nasty piece of work op. You need to get away from him.

This. It happened to me too. LTB.
Vapeyvapevape · 23/12/2021 14:15

@Silvershroud the op can indeed refuse to go shopping with her husband, it won’t change the fact that he’s an abusive arsehole though.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/12/2021 14:15

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
Clearly he's become open about the domestic abuse, that's what has changed.

OP, for your own safety and that of your child, you are in need of help to escape this abusive man. Otherwise, when there is a next time - and there is always a next time - it could be when your baby is in the car seat and he implants the car into the side of an HGV, rolls it from hitting a patch of oil or drives into the path of somebody else going too fast to stop before hitting the baby's side. Or he'll chuck you out of the vehicle and drive off, leaving you stranded on the side of a road with no way of getting home or protection from hypothermia/being hit by other vehicles.

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2021 14:15

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
What? You think she's not been a good enough wife? She deserved this?
Wheresthebeach · 23/12/2021 14:16

He deliberately did something to frighten you. It was dangerous, and intentional.

Leave.

FreedomAnniversary · 23/12/2021 14:16

@Silvershroud

Do you need to go shopping together? My wife and I never do, we frustrate each other and it always gets unpleasant. I think of shopping as a mission, you just go in, get what you want and go, she likes to browse and look at different things. Life is much more harmonious now we don't shop together.
You or your wife probably didn't endanger each others lives because you disagree on shopping methods though.
RosesAndHellebores · 23/12/2021 14:20

Why do you have to go shopping for food together? DH and I have been half a dozen times in 32 years because he hates it. We don't go shopping together at all, except for plants.

To give this some perspective DH has a very very high performance car. It does accelerate very fast. However, it does not shock or frighten me because he does it as part of the normal course of driving and it is usual. I am also able to use it without asking and possibly drive it faster than him can you?

You may be much happier as a single parent than married to this specimen.

EerieSilence · 23/12/2021 14:21

I really hope you have somewhere to go for Christmas and stay there, for you and your baby.
He's abusive and aggressive and it's only going to get worse. Get out ASAP.

namechangerino · 23/12/2021 14:21

@Silvershroud

Do you need to go shopping together? My wife and I never do, we frustrate each other and it always gets unpleasant. I think of shopping as a mission, you just go in, get what you want and go, she likes to browse and look at different things. Life is much more harmonious now we don't shop together.
And the award for the poster who has spectacularly missed the point goes to *@Silvershroud*

OP please leave. Please don't bring a baby into this abusive dynamic.

Magnited · 23/12/2021 14:22

Sometimes the foremost thread on the Relationship board is worth a read just to remind ourselves of what is right. This is one of those occasions.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

gamerchick · 23/12/2021 14:23

I had an ex once who used to do this. It escalated to him stopping on big roundabouts and try to drag me out the car to leave me on them. Then he started to throttle me and various other things and eventually I left him when he tried to throw me over the bannister onto a staircase.

This shit just gets worse OP. When your baby comes you'll feel more despair than happinesses.

DrSbaitso · 23/12/2021 14:27

You don't have to live with, or raise your child with, an angry man who doesn't keep you safe.

dworky · 23/12/2021 14:30

This is a well known abuser tactic - deliberately trying to frighten you.
I would seriously advise you to think about having your baby with him around as his behaviour will escalate.

mydogisthebest · 23/12/2021 14:30

So you don't have a happy marriage, you argue a lot and yet you decide to have a baby!!!

BFPDec21 · 23/12/2021 14:31

The driving thing is dangerous and I could not and would not tolerate it. It's adolescent and is done to intimidate you. That being said, arguments in cars are always dangerous and best avoided.

The shopping could be worked around. For example, I bloody love a mooch in IKEA but DH absolutely hates it so I meet friends and go to IKEA. If DH ever comes we get lunch and a coffee then leave or he meets me later.

Equally, he loves a sift through charity shops and I don't have the patience so I never go with him or if he goes in one, I go somewhere I want to pop into. It's just compromising or knowing shopping is the other's trigger.

There must be much more behind this not just the shopping for you to say you hate him and he makes you unhappy.

Taoneusa · 23/12/2021 14:31

I would leave before the baby is born. Really really really. 100% do it now.