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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

332 replies

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 13:18

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
OkThenJustChill · 23/12/2021 13:38

Leave. Leave. Leave.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2021 13:40

I would leave, ideally before Christmas but certainly before the baby is born.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 23/12/2021 13:41

Please leave! Go now, just pack some bags and go to someone you can trust. Ask them to pick you up, if possible. Don't tell him, just go and get some space.

Also, tell your midwife what happened.

I'm so sorry you have been going through this but you know you don't have to put up with this!

FFSFFSFFS · 23/12/2021 13:42

Poor baby. I can already tell you won’t leave him and that poor child has a childhood of abuse to look forward to.

He won’t change and will probably escalate.

You need to prioritize the welfare of your baby.

TerraNovaTwo · 23/12/2021 13:43

This will only escalate and you'll end up regretting not leaving earlier. What an ugly human he is. Is this the sort of individual you want around your child?

This reeks of emotional abuse.

user15364596354862 · 23/12/2021 13:45

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.
Frankly, I hope you do more than "just vent" about this.

The fact that it's happened more than once and you're still with him is bad.

No child deserves to be born into a volatile, abusive situation like this.

Diana8 · 23/12/2021 13:45

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him?
What has changed?

diddl · 23/12/2021 13:47

The driving fast & the way he spoke to you is really nasty.

If not for that I might say it was just general stress at this time of year.

PlantWitch · 23/12/2021 13:48

My first husband had always been a bit of a knob but nothing that I felt was worth divorcing over. He got significantly worse when I was pregnant and worse again when baby was born. We split when she was 7 months old and although it was a lot of upheaval it was so much happier and easier bringing her up alone. Im married to a good man with another daughter but I look back fondly on the time it was just me and my baby. Don't stay with someone abusive sweetheart you and your baby deserve better

TheQuernsSperch · 23/12/2021 13:48

@FFSFFSFFS

Poor baby. I can already tell you won’t leave him and that poor child has a childhood of abuse to look forward to.

He won’t change and will probably escalate.

You need to prioritize the welfare of your baby.

Abusive arseholes really ramp it up during and just after pregnancy.
Nancydrawn · 23/12/2021 13:49

He knows you don't like it. He knows it scares you. He knows you have no control over it and that he can scare you without you being able to do anything about it--that it makes you vulnerable.

And he does it to punish you.

It doesn't matter if it's dangerous (though it almost certainly is). His argument that he's not going fast is irrelevant. Because it's about punishing you with fear and vulnerability, that he controls. Whether he's doing it consciously or not, that's what it is.

I'm sorry, OP.

diddl · 23/12/2021 13:50

Even if you were overreacting about the speed-& obviously a quick look at the speedometer would tell you this-his handling of the situation was atrocious.

CheshireKitten123 · 23/12/2021 13:52

"Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho."

You realise you DH is abusive OP?

You need to leave for your own safety

Please get advice about the safest way to do this.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Aubriella · 23/12/2021 13:53

Leave this man now before the baby is here and he escalates the abuse.

It will be much harder to leave when baby is here.

Can you go to your mum/dad's?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 23/12/2021 13:53

We can all see that this is classic narc / abusive behaviour and my strong advice to you is to leave before it gets any worse.

AnotherMansCause · 23/12/2021 13:55

My ex used to do this. It made me feel incredibly unsafe. Going round roundabouts, over crossings etc at well over the speed limit, sometimes around 50mph or so. Cutting other drivers up, tailgating & brake checking them, screaming at other drivers if he felt they'd disrespected him. Every car trip was a nightmare. I wasn't allowed to comment on anything or he'd start on me, & his driving would get even worse. It was part of why I left him.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/12/2021 13:55

Sorry but to purposefully scare you in anger like that is abusive regardless of whether he was actually speeding/ driving recklessly. He was doing it to punish and frighten you and to dominate/ gain power in the argument. My worry would be that next time he feels the need to frighten and overpower you in an argument it could be by throwing things at or nearby to you, grabbing or pushing you, punching the wall or worse punching you etc.

If I was you I definitely wouldn’t stick around for long enough to find out what his next abusive act is. He has shown that in anger he can have a dangerous, aggressive and abusive side and that would be enough for me.

WinterDeWinter · 23/12/2021 13:56

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
Oh for God’s sake, don’t be an apologist You must know that ppl don’t always make good choices and that abuse like this slowly escalates.
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 23/12/2021 14:00

Driving fast and hard acceleration are things that can only be done safely by a calm and controlled person. Doing it when cross or upset isn't safe.
He's an idiot.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 23/12/2021 14:01

OP I know it feels scary being a single parent and yes it is hard work. But at least you and you baby will be safe.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 14:01

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
It's textbook abusive behaviour. They reign it in and put up a charming facade until you fall for them and then they start eroding your boundaries little by little, over time so you dont even notice or you make excused or you blame yourself. Kind of like the boiling frog story. And then they ramp up the abuse and show their true colors when they think you are stuck enough so you won't leave. Pregnancy is one of those key moments when they know you feel more committed and more vulnarable than ever, so you're more likely to forgive and rationalise their behaviour. Disgusting, but so very common.

They really are great actors. If they were abusive from the get go no one would date them ever. Look up the cycle of abuse and drop the subtle victim blaming.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/12/2021 14:02

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
Abusive men often reveal themselves for the first time during pregnancy or early days of DC.

This is repeated so often here that you must have seen it so quit with the victim blaming.

stmw123 · 23/12/2021 14:02

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.
And that would be gaslighting.

Op, his behaviour is unforgivable. He also sounds like a general nightmare to be around. Not all men are like this.

Get away

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2021 14:04

I agree with all of the above. He's dangerous and you deserve better.

Don't let him gaslight you about speed vs acceleration, his car will have a speedometer like everyone else's which you can look at.

Aubriella · 23/12/2021 14:04

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
What victim blaming bullshit. Seriously, educate yourself.
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