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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

332 replies

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 13:18

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
EmmasMum12 · 23/12/2021 16:27

''Marriage is really difficult. I have yet to see one that's always happy.''

With respect....I dont know ANY which are as bad as yours...truly :(

Original poster
justventing21 · 23/12/2021 16:28

@EmmasMum12

''Marriage is really difficult. I have yet to see one that's always happy.''

With respect....I dont know ANY which are as bad as yours...truly :(

You have no idea the kind of house I grew up in then.

Our marriage is blissful compared to that.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 16:28

Not sure why people are giving you a hard time, OP. You don't have to explain your reasons for having your babies.

I agree that marriage can be hard. But what's happening in your marriage goes way beyond 'hard'. It's frightening. And you hate him. This is not going to get any better and it could easily get a whole lot worse.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 16:30

*You have no idea the kind of house I grew up in then.

Our marriage is blissful compared to that.*

All the more reason to break the generational cycle of abuse for your poor innocent babies!

You fell prey to abuse because it was modeled to you as normal in childhood.
What do you think will happen to your kids if you stay in the marriage?

GCAndProud · 23/12/2021 16:31

This isn't normal, sorry. Yes, it's common for women to do more of the housework and childcare, which is not ideal, but this sounds hideously toxic and you have convinced yourself that all relationships are like this to try to minimise what is really going on. You will be setting these standards for your kids as well. You said that you hate him (and I believe you). He treats you like dirt and puts you at risk through his anger. You clearly don't like each other or even find each other attractive. It won't get better and sooner or later there will be a breaking point.
You know how so many adults talk about how toxic their home environments were when growing up? Well this is precisely the sort of thing they are talking about - not extreme violence but low-level nastiness and sniping and the relationship at its best being 'bearable'. It's horrible growing up in that. Do your kids a favour and get out of it and, if you want to, find someone who doesn't make you feel like this.

LaForza101 · 23/12/2021 16:31

I know it isn't easy to start again on your own but honestly if your marriage and the marriages around you are so poor, why stick to that institution? It doesn't sound like you are gaining anything from the relationship OP. If you are working your socks off looking after the kids and housework with bugger all from him surely it makes sense to put all that effort into your own home? Being alone sounds much better

picklemewalnuts · 23/12/2021 16:31

So you are staring with a pretty low bar sweetheart, I'm sorry about that. It can get better though. You will be much happier on your own than with him. Please line up your ducks and organise an exit. You need to do it for your DC. They'll be much happier with a happier mum than with two parents who are unhappy together.

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 16:32

If you grew up in an abusive household, your perceptions of what's 'normal' are going to be really skewed.

OP, trust people when they tell you that what's happening in your relationship is NOT normal and it's NOT okay.

Your kids are now growing up in an abusive household. They won't think it's 'blissful', I promise.

Most couples fight sometimes, and bicker over silly things. But they don't scream at each other, call each other names, and terrorise each other with their cars. You and your husband feel contempt towards one another. That is not right. It's not normal. It's not okay.

selfcare · 23/12/2021 16:32

Research literature associates pre-natal maternal stress and elevated cortisol levels with delayed infant motor and cognitive development. Your DH is abusive towards you and your unborn child. Please get out of this relationship at the earliest opportunity. You and your kids do not deserve to be abused.

EmmasMum12 · 23/12/2021 16:33

I hear you @justventing. But your low bar is allowing you to accept way less than you and your children deserve Flowers

GCAndProud · 23/12/2021 16:34

You fell prey to abuse because it was modeled to you as normal in childhood.
What do you think will happen to your kids if you stay in the marriage?

This with bells on. Seriously. You think this is a good deal because he doesn't beat you. It sounds completely miserable to someone who hasn't normalised abuse or has managed to break the cycle. Listen to yourself when you say he makes you unhappy. He very clearly does. He won't change and you both resent each other.

yetanotherunicorn · 23/12/2021 16:35

Your partner deliberately frightens you. This is the biggest red flag of all.

You need to take action, for the sake of your children as much as yourself. They will be safer if you leave him.

crazyjinglist · 23/12/2021 16:36

OP - MN isn't full of perfect relationships with a 50:50 divide in domestic tasks. Everyone's situation is different and there are compromises. There are men who need a bit of a wake-up call (probably because they were used to their mothers doing all the domestic stuff), and then there are men who refuse to lift a finger in the house and are vile to their wives as well... The former might be fixable. The latter, not so much.

Phobiaphobic · 23/12/2021 16:38

@MojoMoon

He put you, your baby, himself and all the poor members of the public on the road in great danger because he was angry.

That's unforgivable in my book.

What's your plan to leave?

Just this. OP, I hope you can come to understand that this is abusive bullying.
Original poster
justventing21 · 23/12/2021 16:41

Perhaps I don't really know what to model a relationship on because I don't really know any ' good ' ones.

Most people I know sort of plod along. Even amongst friends, the resentment is clearly visible. So I assume it's just everyone that's unhappy and that's just what marriage is.

You have fireworks at the start. But then it's just a hard slog for the rest of your life. That's OKish maybe 80 percent of the time and terrible for about 20 percent of the time.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 23/12/2021 16:42

@Regularsizedrudy

He used the car to scare you, he put you and his unborn child in danger. I would fucking hate him too, he’s the psycho not you.
Absolutely this. What a horrible and scary thing to put you through when you are pregnant with his child. I'd be having serious doubts about going forward with this man.

I hope you are ok now OP shocks like that affect both you and the baby. Tell the prick that and I'd be telling his parents what a twat he is too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 16:42

My ex h used to do that in the car. It’s a recognised form of abuse.

Ftm229 · 23/12/2021 16:42

This made me really sad to read, my ex used to do the driving thing too.

Of course no relationship is always perfect, but no abuser is always abusive. This man is an abuser. Just because you said what you did doesn't make it less true. He frightened you, called you a psycho and put you and your unborn baby in danger.

Please think about leaving him, you and your babies deserve better x

LostFrog · 23/12/2021 16:45

Clearest case of LTB I ever heard.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/12/2021 16:48

@justventing21

Perhaps I don't really know what to model a relationship on because I don't really know any ' good ' ones.

Most people I know sort of plod along. Even amongst friends, the resentment is clearly visible. So I assume it's just everyone that's unhappy and that's just what marriage is.

You have fireworks at the start. But then it's just a hard slog for the rest of your life. That's OKish maybe 80 percent of the time and terrible for about 20 percent of the time.

Risking your life to scare you into compliance certainly isn't. There's unhappy and literally being deliberately put in danger.
IsMaeOnTheAsmae · 23/12/2021 16:49

Major red flags, abusers use tactics like driving so fast to scare you and then gaslight you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. My dad used to do it to my mum

My dad did this too, with us all in the car if we were there. Its somthing I'll never forget and that fear has stayed with me forever

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 23/12/2021 16:50

Ive been with my Partner for 26 years. We arent always happy. Sometimes we don't like each other very much....... But we are never abusive. And we always feel safe.

That's the difference.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 23/12/2021 16:51

He sounds like a nasty, dangerous Arsehole.

Life is too short to stay with someone who you hate and who makes you unhappy. I would start making plans for how you’re going to leave him.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 23/12/2021 16:53

@justventing21

Perhaps I don't really know what to model a relationship on because I don't really know any ' good ' ones.

Most people I know sort of plod along. Even amongst friends, the resentment is clearly visible. So I assume it's just everyone that's unhappy and that's just what marriage is.

You have fireworks at the start. But then it's just a hard slog for the rest of your life. That's OKish maybe 80 percent of the time and terrible for about 20 percent of the time.

That isn't what I good marriage is at all. I'm on my second marriage now and have been for 15 years. My first husband who I was married to for 12 years was just like your husband sounds, but it got worse the longer we were together. When he started acting the same with our 2 pre teens daughters I realised that I had to leave to protect them from their toxic father. Honestly, it was like a weight had been lifted from all of us. He had contact with the girls for a couple of years afterwards until he couldn't be bothered and he hasn't seen them in 20 years. They have both said that they were so happy that we left.
crazyjinglist · 23/12/2021 16:58

You have fireworks at the start. But then it's just a hard slog for the rest of your life. That's OKish maybe 80 percent of the time and terrible for about 20 percent of the time.

The fireworks bit can be a red flag in iself imo. But anyway, what is even the point of being with somebody who makes your life terrible for 20% of the time and doesn't even make it good the rest of the time either? Especially since you're doing all the slog at home as well. In what way does he make your life better than it would be if you were single? And, if he does in fact bring any advantage at all, is it worth it?