Page 13 | Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 12:57

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

You believe to be a fully functioning adult, you need to have a perfect life. I do not.

You keep using this same argument about a perfect life or perfect relationship. Nobody else on here has ever used the word perfect. No fully functioning adult believes everything is perfect at all times. You are using the word perfect to justify your husband putting you and your unborn child at risk. You're using it to justify an abusive relationship.

I suppose that's just my attitude to life a bit. A bit cynical in that sense. Life is tough most of the time and there are small islands of happiness occasionally.

You should be happy that you're ok mostly and just get on with it.

Pretty depressing ! This attitude started when I suffered from my first bout of severe anxiety and depression. I was so hung up on the fact I should be happy and was so down and out about how my life was, that from that time on, I decided to just be ok with being OKish, most of the time.

As long as I wasn't in that hole, I could accept life. And I stopped with all the wishes of how life ' should ' be and just kind of settled for ' it's OK unless I'm in that hole '.

So depressing ! But that hole was deep.

OP posts:

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 13:01

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I think it's a defiant teenager thing too that lots of men fall into with their wives. He doesn't like being told what to do.

That to me again shows that he has an issue with power. I bet he doesn’t worry about telling you what to do? That’s because he feels like he is the powerful and ‘in charge’ dominant one in the relationship and that it is your place to get on with the wife work and do everything. It is not your place to tell him what to do because he is in charge and has the power, hence the defiance.

A relationship should be equal, you should be a team and should want to distribute tasks equally and to do things to help each other out. More importantly you should both want to ensure your DD is happy and cared for and to want to meet her needs; the fact he is happy to lie in bed listening whilst she cries and wait for his sick, pregnant wife to drag herself up the stairs to attend to her shows that he doesn’t care about your needs or the needs of your DD. He sees himself as the most important person in the household and that is dangerous because in a true family every person is equal, one persons needs shouldn’t outweigh anyone else’s especially when that person is a healthy and capable adult.

I hope he can change because you’re clearly not willing to put the needs of you and your DC ahead of his needs but I doubt he will, why would he when he is the person in the position of power and dominance?

He sees himself as the most important person has really resonated with me.

OP posts:

Peppaismyrolemodel · 24/12/2021 13:06

@justventing21

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

Statistically there is a correlation between men who are physically abusive and men who drive fast with passengers in the car. Get out now

2Gen · 24/12/2021 13:08

Whoa! Killing the child because the fathers abusive isn't just not going to change the father into a decent human being, it's downright unjust! On a practical level, the OP has a born child too and how is killing the unborn one going to protect the born one? It isn't!
Please don't do that OP. I was in a very similar position to you but it was my first pregnancy. I left when my son was 6 months old and yes, it's hard but my son gave me such joy he made it all worth it, he's a smashing young man now and I met the man I am married to now AND the best friend I've ever had through being his mother! If that's what I had to go through to have him, I'd go through it again!
The relief you will feel when you shut your door and know that no one who treats you badly is going to come through it any more will give you all the strength you need to be a great mum, who knows she made the best decision for herself AND her children!
Please either leave him or kick him out! Even if you have to sofa-surf and/or go back to your parents like I did for a while, it'll be worth it! PLEASE!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 24/12/2021 13:15

@2Gen, we've already established that OP is way way past the abortion limit. Like 10 pages ago. No one has dwelled on that suggestion

StripedMousse · 24/12/2021 13:25

Anyway, I just can't help but feel he's not this complete monster.

Maybe he’s not a ‘complete monster’.

But how do you propose to live with someone that wants to have sex with you but with whom you never want to? How is that manageable long term?

It sounds to me like you’re dependent on being in a relationship or frightened of not being in one even if it’s a bad one.

Dalalalada · 24/12/2021 13:31

I think it's a defiant teenager thing too that lots of men fall into with their wives. He doesn't like being told what to do.

The thing is, that people in compassionate, cooperative relationships dont deal with this shit. If it feels like you are relating with a teen who only sees his own pov and wants his own way, at the very least its a depressingly poor understanding of adulthood and his role in an adult relationship raising a family, on his part or it is a choice, a way of getting his own way and negating your emotions. And that is abuse.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 24/12/2021 13:33

Another good resource for OP might bt Dr Ramani's youtube channel where she explores the workings of narcissistic abuse.

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 13:34

@Dalalalada

I think it's a defiant teenager thing too that lots of men fall into with their wives. He doesn't like being told what to do.

The thing is, that people in compassionate, cooperative relationships dont deal with this shit. If it feels like you are relating with a teen who only sees his own pov and wants his own way, at the very least its a depressingly poor understanding of adulthood and his role in an adult relationship raising a family, on his part or it is a choice, a way of getting his own way and negating your emotions. And that is abuse.

Very interesting.

I think it's also misogynistic. I think deep down he doesn't think men should need to worry about doing certain tasks. Mums cook and clean and look after the kids. And in my case, also provide a nice fat pay cheque !

OP posts:

Dalalalada · 24/12/2021 13:36

Personally i think you are dealing with a very selfish abusive man who indeed believes he is the most important person, who does believe your needs and wants are less than his and who will manipulate you emotionally to get his own way.

And that is narcissistic behaviour.

And when you have narcissistic behaviour, you have narcissistic abuse and control.

And this usually feels pretty shit- like you can never do anything right, like nothing will ever make them happy, like its all your fault and this is miserable. And provoking. And your legitimate, relational and emotional needs are not being met. So you get angry. So he then feels justified to... What? What is next?

Dalalalada · 24/12/2021 13:38

Yes OP. It is deeply mysogynistic.

And very nice for him too that he also benefits from your hard work and income.

Are you giving more than you can?

What happens when you can't give this much to him anymore, domestically, financially, emotionally, sexually?

Dalalalada · 24/12/2021 13:40

What would your life be like if you poured all that energy into yourself? And your career and kids?

NataliaSerene · 24/12/2021 13:44

Honestly I think you sound pretty difficult. You’ve described yourself yelling, calling names, flying off the handle and saying some quite cruel things.

He told you he wanted to go alone and you insisted on going, then “let” him do what he wanted to do for a set period of time.

I think you both need to make some big changes - he needs to take on more of the childcare for sure. But you also need to work on your behavior. Screaming bloody murder when someone accelerates fast is not smart or safe. You’ve admitted you aren’t even sure how fast he was going and that you believe he was in control so it sounds like dramatics to me.

You need to change the dynamic in your relationship.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/12/2021 13:44

I think it's also misogynistic. I think deep down he doesn't think men should need to worry about doing certain tasks. Mums cook and clean and look after the kids. And in my case, also provide a nice fat pay cheque !

I agree it’s misogynistic. He thinks because he’s the man his needs are more important than anybody else’s and that he is the head of the family. As his wife you are there to serve his needs and the needs of the children.

You say that not only do you do the majority of work for the house and children but that you also earn a significant amount of household money. What does he contribute and put into the relationship and the family? What does he do for you and your DD without needing to be asked or begged? It’s clear that his life is better for having you in it as you do so much but in what ways does he enrich and improve the lives of you and your DD? How often does he prioritise your needs ahead of his own and go above and beyond to ensure you and DD are happy, relaxed and fulfilled?

If he isn’t able to do this then I would question whether staying with him is worth it or whether you will actually be happier without him.

TechGuy · 24/12/2021 13:54

That doesn't sound good. The odd time my wife and I disagreed in the car, I just might go "work to rule", ultra careful, a bit slow, just to tee her off. But speed up, scare her? Just NO!

beastlyslumber · 24/12/2021 14:10

He is lying when he says he didn't mean to scare you, OP. Obviously he meant to scare you. It was an extremely threatening and dangerous thing to do.

He says he's sorry? Good. But he is also still minimising it, saying it wasn't meant to scare you, and that he was completely in control the whole time. That's not facing up to his behaviour and taking responsibility. Taking responsibility would look something more like, "I was completely out of order trying to scare you that way. It was so dangerous and I can't believe I took such a horrible risk with you and our baby. It's made me see that some of my behaviour is really not safe. I've found a counsellor who I think will be able to work with me on what's behind this. I'm so sorry, and I promise never to do anything so awful again. I understand if you don't feel you can trust me driving you. I will pay for taxis to make sure you can get everywhere you need until you feel it's safe for you to get back in a car with me."

This would be the minimum I would expect from someone who had just threatened to kill me, if I was ever going to trust that they hadn't really meant it.

OP your standards and expectations are so unbelievably low that even this incident, that would terrify most people, seems acceptable to you. I agree that your partner sounds abusive and think that he, along with your childhood trauma, has conditioned you to think this is all normal and okay. It's really, really not.

2Gen · 24/12/2021 14:17

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@2Gen, we've already established that OP is way way past the abortion limit. Like 10 pages ago. No one has dwelled on that suggestion[/quote]
Fair enough! I had a knee-jerk reaction to the suggestion that the OP have an abortion.
I don't think it was unreasonable of me to challenge the suggestion though and one reply to a post is hardly "dwelling"!

Sidehustle99 · 24/12/2021 14:56

@NataliaSerene

Honestly I think you sound pretty difficult. You’ve described yourself yelling, calling names, flying off the handle and saying some quite cruel things.

He told you he wanted to go alone and you insisted on going, then “let” him do what he wanted to do for a set period of time.

I think you both need to make some big changes - he needs to take on more of the childcare for sure. But you also need to work on your behavior. Screaming bloody murder when someone accelerates fast is not smart or safe. You’ve admitted you aren’t even sure how fast he was going and that you believe he was in control so it sounds like dramatics to me.

You need to change the dynamic in your relationship.

@NataliaSerene do you think she should just roll with it then? What would you do? How do you think your comments are helpful. Do you think she will come to the sudden realisation that her OH driving like an arse when she is pregnant didn't deserve the shock, fear or dread she experienced. Do you think she though I know there's not enough drama here. I will just ramp it up a bit. FFS do one will you sir

unname · 24/12/2021 14:59

and of course that's where our problems start, because I barge in and go nuts on him and then he goes equally nuts back. So it creates a toxic atmosphere between us.

Is your DH sleeping through your toddler crying? Or just laying there waiting for you to take care of her?

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 15:00

@unname

and of course that's where our problems start, because I barge in and go nuts on him and then he goes equally nuts back. So it creates a toxic atmosphere between us.

Is your DH sleeping through your toddler crying? Or just laying there waiting for you to take care of her?

Laying there waiting.

OP posts:

NataliaSerene · 24/12/2021 15:06

@Sidehustle99

I’m not suggesting anyone tolerate fast acceleration but I am recognizing at this point she was already screaming at him, calling him names and telling him she hated him. Because he shopped for too long.

In reading everything she has written I think her behavior is borderline abusive. So I don’t think what either is doing should be looked at in a vacuum. He told her he wanted to go shopping alone, she insisted upon going, she decided she would control the trip and him then told him she hated him when he reacted poorly to his plans being controlled.

OP has admitted multiple times here to behavior we would all say is abusive if a woman described a man doing it.

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 15:11

[quote NataliaSerene]@Sidehustle99

I’m not suggesting anyone tolerate fast acceleration but I am recognizing at this point she was already screaming at him, calling him names and telling him she hated him. Because he shopped for too long.

In reading everything she has written I think her behavior is borderline abusive. So I don’t think what either is doing should be looked at in a vacuum. He told her he wanted to go shopping alone, she insisted upon going, she decided she would control the trip and him then told him she hated him when he reacted poorly to his plans being controlled.

OP has admitted multiple times here to behavior we would all say is abusive if a woman described a man doing it.[/quote]
I take responsibly for sometimes flying off the handle too.

But I never said I hated him or anything along those lines, or called him names in this argument until he did the speeding up angry thing.

But I totally accept that I should not fly off the handle and it's not acceptable.

The instance with the shopping trip was a compromise though. I just wanted to get out with my husband and we compromised that he could do his thing on the trip. For over an hour and then I got tired and wanted to get the food. He was not willing to compromise and he called me names.

Again, I accept that I also have a part to play and I also say mean things to him sometimes, which is something I'm really working on, not doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

justventing21 · 24/12/2021 15:14

@NataliaSerene I just need to stress again that me telling him I hate him, was one hundred percent in retaliation of the driving off fast thing. I was not saying this before, nor have I ever actually thought this before.

It was that situation that made me blurt that out. I was shocked and surprised myself that I said this. It's extreme. Normally I call him a dickhead or tell him to be quiet. I never tell him I hate him.

OP posts:

NataliaSerene · 24/12/2021 15:23

I understand. It sounds like you had both just hit a point of extreme frustration.

In my own marriage we both do and say things we regret when we have reached that level. I try to think of it is “our” fault rather than mine or his. Because we are both good people who are still figuring life out and how to live with one another.

It’s not ok that he accelerated and I really despise riding in muscle cars.

I think you need to work together on rebalancing the load. Why on earth would he just lay there when his own child is crying and his wife not feeling well. What does he say?

AntikytheraMech · 24/12/2021 15:24