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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

332 replies

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 13:18

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/12/2021 14:32

Terminate your pregnancy if you can.

Do not bring a poor child into this tocic environment.

Tubs11 · 23/12/2021 14:32

This is not normal behaviour

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2021 14:33

@billy1966

Terminate your pregnancy if you can.

Do not bring a poor child into this tocic environment.

She said she's heavily pregnant.
RosesAndHellebores · 23/12/2021 14:33

Read the thread billy. The op had already gone beyond term.

countbackfromten · 23/12/2021 14:34

I hope you are ok @justventing21. I would echo those above, I would be leaving him. You and your baby deserve more.

countbackfromten · 23/12/2021 14:36

And @justventing21 I say that as someone who has ended up in more than one abusive relationship. It sucks everything from you and you deserve more.

Dwrcegin · 23/12/2021 14:38

we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes

He's dangerous, to you and your baby. Leave.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 23/12/2021 14:38

Yeah, divorce him.
You're not compatible.

Original poster
justventing21 · 23/12/2021 14:38

I've been with him for over 10 years and he's never hit me. This is actually baby number 2.

Thanks for all the input. I really appreciate it. Things have been very difficult since this second pregnancy and I'm not sure what's the matter. I just don't feel like he likes me or I like him very much. There's literally no love. Im exhausted from looking after our toddler and work / house upkeep and he's exhausted from work as well.

He's never been physically abusive to me. It's just name calling ( which goes both ways sometimes ). I just lose it with him and go from 0 to 100 in no time.

I'm not excusing him at all by the way. I just don't know what to do. What he did today was absolutely terrible. We both are not happy.

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 23/12/2021 14:39

Major red flags, abusers use tactics like driving so fast to scare you and then gaslight you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. My dad used to do it to my mum who was not a good passenger in a car. They’ve been divorced 2 years now. She’s the happiest she’s been in years

OverTheRubicon · 23/12/2021 14:39

@Diana8

You chose to get married to him, have sex and make a baby with him, so something must have drastically gone wrong with him in the last few months - or why would you have chosen him? What has changed?
Seriously?
  1. Many of us become normalised to this - or grew up thinking it was normal, so don't know better until suddenly it's our baby at risk and we feel the urge to protect them in a way you may not feel for yourself
  2. A huge percentage of abusers become that way when their partner becomes pregnant. It's textbook.
snowdropsandcrocuses · 23/12/2021 14:40

Even if you take away the fact that he's abusive, just ask yourself this question

Is he in my corner?

Because that's about the main point in a marriage. If you're not rooting for each other to succeed, what's the point? Nobody has the perfect marriage but ultimately this is the person you are choosing to be your partner. There is nothing in your recount of what just happened that suggests you two are behaving like partners. Or like you want the other to succeed. Or even that there is any love.

Once you've really looked hard at the bones of it, add in that he's doing things to deliberately hurt you and deliberately scare you, even if he only does it for show and 'isn't really driving that fast' he is hurting you on purpose. Why would he do that? Ask him...

You have some very tough decisions to make. Thanks

DrSbaitso · 23/12/2021 14:43

I think driving dangerously in order to scare the bejesus out of you could be classed as physical abuse, tbh.

Suzanne999 · 23/12/2021 14:44

An angry driver is a bad driver. Speed combined with anger means the driver is less likely to judge distances properly.
He put you and your baby, and himself and members of the public at risk of injury or death., and he didn’t seem to care.
I think it’s safest for you to go and stay with someone over Christmas, let him cool down and IF he is prepared to speak calmly and logically, meet up after Christmas. If he’s not then he’s not the person to trust your child with.

TheWelshposter · 23/12/2021 14:48

Reading about his acceleration gave me chills. I can't imagine how scary that was for you. Please leave this horrible man who is happy to put his wife and baby in danger Sad

BobMortimersPetOwl · 23/12/2021 14:49

But what he did was purposely to frighten you. And it put you, your baby and other innocent people at risk of serious physical harm, so it is abusive.

I don't want to pile on as I understand it'll be difficult for you to get your head around everything, but why are you with him?

Mummacake · 23/12/2021 14:53

Time for you to take your toddler and leave if he won't. This is not a good environment for any of you. As already mentioned by others, he frightens and then gaslights you - this is where it starts. Keep yourself and your family safe.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 23/12/2021 14:53

Is there anywhere you could go to get away from him for a bit, OP?
Do you have any family or friends that you and your toddler can go?
Staying somewhere else for a while might give you some clarity on this situation.

It's hard to see how things will get any better once baby number two arrives and you are even more vulnerable. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Look after yourself and good luck!

2Gen · 23/12/2021 14:54

@MojoMoon

He put you, your baby, himself and all the poor members of the public on the road in great danger because he was angry.

That's unforgivable in my book.

What's your plan to leave?

I agree with this! It's frightening to think he has so little regard for his own unborn child he would behave in such a way and it was one of the reasons I left my child's father too. He would do this and he drove too fast anyway but would he listen to reason? No! It was always my fault, or I was "going on" and he'd start shouting at me, having a toddler tantrum! The way you describe his behaviour in the shop concerns me too, as it was the height of selfishness to keep you hanging on when you're pregnant whilst he rummages and no food being bought and then, to turn it all round on you! NOT acceptable! It does not bode well for when your child is born either as selfish men get even worse once your focus is on the baby. They seem to become jealous of their own child. I can't tell you what to do but it seems from what you say that this sort of behaviour has not come out of the blue. Has it? If not, I would advise sorting out either leaving or kicking him out because in my experience, these sorts of men only get worse once the baby is born. I'm really sorry OP and I wish you all the very best.
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 23/12/2021 14:54

I am not usually one to say LTB and I know it’s not as easy as just leaving. But there’s a massive, massive difference between having a huge row shopping, saying you hate each other and having a few minutes to cool off it the car. (All of this is, to me, fairly normal as long as it’s not all the time or with genuine aggression and/or instilling fear. DH and I have screamed at each other in bad patches and we are fine now). The difference is, he didn’t leave it there. He then deliberately put you and your baby in danger, scared you, knowing you hate it, and then tried to blame you. That’s the difference. I don’t think I could go back from that. Flowers

GiveOverIrene · 23/12/2021 14:54

So your toddler was in the car too? This is just appalling behaviour, don't accept it as normal. Your poor kids.

Original poster
justventing21 · 23/12/2021 14:57

@GiveOverIrene

So your toddler was in the car too? This is just appalling behaviour, don't accept it as normal. Your poor kids.
No. She wasn't there, thankfully !
OP posts:
Shouldofgotahamster85 · 23/12/2021 14:58

He’s not hit you is a really low bar to have….
He sounds like a prick so I’d be making plans to leave

Couchbettato · 23/12/2021 15:03

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.
If he argues that's just your perception he's gaslighting you and that is fucking abusive!!!

I'm cross for you!!!!!!!!! Leave him. Do not put him on the birth certificate.

People have crashed from speeding in anger, not thinking clearly. People could have died.

Even if he was going 20mph, if you said stop, slow down and he told you to shut up why would you want to put up with that level of disrespect.

Abusers often start ramping up the abuse when their partner is pregnant.

EarthSight · 23/12/2021 15:07

Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast

What a loser.

If he's like this now I can't imagine what he'll be like handling the stress of a newborn.