Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

@justventing21

Yes I did want a sibling and also we've been working on things so I have / had the hope things can / would get better. The driving car fast angry thing has never happened before. Things have deteriorated a lot recently.

He's now acting hurt and not talking at all.

I read all your posts and it’s not fair that you’re bringing another dc into this hostile and toxic environment. Why did you think he would change? He has been like this since baby #1 was born (and maybe before that).

OP I mean this kindly but you need to know he will not change and this will get worse

He deliberately terrified you and out your baby at risk and then gaslighted you about it

My mum used to do this in the car with me as a child and I’m still not over it. Don’t let your babies have the same childhood I did.

It's tragic that you are not only raising a child in such a horrible environment, but bringing another child into it. Get the hell away from this horrible man before your kids' futures are impacted by all of this dysfunction.

I'm going to give you a tip, OP: he's not hurt. He's giving you the silent treatment to punish you for stepping so far out of line. He will never forget this. Whenever you challenge him on anything, he will bring it up again as a way to disempower you.

And the truth is you DO hate him, OP. You feel contempt for him. You are frightened of him. You resent the fact that he does nothing for the kids or for you. Your marriage is miserable. You don't want sex with him, you don't respect him, you don't like him.

What are you hanging on for? You said your finances are okay. So what's keeping you in the relationship?

My heart breaks reading your posts OP. I have daughters and I want to cry thinking they may end up with an asshole such as yours.

If it's any consolation though, my dad was similar to your husband and I grew up swearing not to accept anything less than a great man. I went almost to the opposite direction and I am a bit lazy and my DH does a lot for our children and house (probably more than me some days).

You do deserve so much better and men that are not completely useless do exists! Please work on your self esteem and stop accepting shit for the sake of your children

I think from what you’ve said about your childhood your bar is set extremely low.

Your husband is abusive. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t actually hit you. He’s a bully. He sounds vile. You and your children don’t deserve to be living like this.

Please take care of yourself and protect your children. 💐

Not good. He's a dick and he's not going to change. I would be going to my mum's house.

You are obviously in a bad place right now as is your marriage. If you aren’t in a position to leave, or simply don’t want to, I strongly advise you to do/ say one thing. ‘Peter, what happened today in the car was very frightening and dangerous. I’m not going to debate it. If it ever happens again the marriage will be over and I will call the police.’ And mean it.

Nobody here knows if your marriage is salvageable. All relationships do have bad patches and a lot of men are lazy. There’s no doubt that the early years of DC can put an enormous strain on even strong relationships. But you simply must have some boundaries. Put an end to name calling. Stop swearing at each other.

When you are both ready have an adult conversation about whether you both want to save things.

I wish you well.

@justventing21 I agree with Hacer that the 'why does he do that?' book can be very helpful.

Also the Freedom Programme. You can do it yourself online, but they're also doing the courses via Zoom during Corona, which are great. freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Obviously don't let him know you're doing stuff like that or he might kick off.

@MatildaTheCat

You are obviously in a bad place right now as is your marriage. If you aren’t in a position to leave, or simply don’t want to, I strongly advise you to do/ say one thing. ‘Peter, what happened today in the car was very frightening and dangerous. I’m not going to debate it. If it ever happens again the marriage will be over and I will call the police.’ And mean it.

Nobody here knows if your marriage is salvageable. All relationships do have bad patches and a lot of men are lazy. There’s no doubt that the early years of DC can put an enormous strain on even strong relationships. But you simply must have some boundaries. Put an end to name calling. Stop swearing at each other.

When you are both ready have an adult conversation about whether you both want to save things.

I wish you well.

This is sound common sense.

@MatildaTheCat

You are obviously in a bad place right now as is your marriage. If you aren’t in a position to leave, or simply don’t want to, I strongly advise you to do/ say one thing. ‘Peter, what happened today in the car was very frightening and dangerous. I’m not going to debate it. If it ever happens again the marriage will be over and I will call the police.’ And mean it.

Nobody here knows if your marriage is salvageable. All relationships do have bad patches and a lot of men are lazy. There’s no doubt that the early years of DC can put an enormous strain on even strong relationships. But you simply must have some boundaries. Put an end to name calling. Stop swearing at each other.

When you are both ready have an adult conversation about whether you both want to save things.

I wish you well.

I think this makes sense, thank you.

I am a huge culprit of calling him names too. I also lose my cool quite quickly with him. It's not very good.

OP, my Dad used to do this. It was in the 1970’s so no such things as seatbelts on the back of the car. He also used to drive towards the unfenced river that runs through our city, and stop just in time.
It was his way of getting his own way quickly because my Mum would capitulate and beg him for our lives.

My family find it humorous that if they are in a car that hits water ‘you want Starfish with you because she could get everyone out’ , and I can because there was a time when I thought I would have to get my Mum and me out so I studied how to do it meticulously, obsessively did swim lifesaving awards at school. I’m still a strong swimmer. I also studied first aid so I could try to save my Mum if she went through the windscreen.

It took me 40 years to realise I was a victim of domestic violence. I wish your new baby so much better than that.

It's a known domestic abuse tactic as is gaslighting you by saying you just don't feel the speed correctly. Abuse often gets worse during pregnancy, if I were you I'd be planning to leave before it gets even worse when the baby is here.

@DrSbaitso

Sometimes I can just go and have a rest for a couple of hours and he'll take care of her.

And how much time does he get off while you take care of her?

Is he heavily pregnant?

@DrSbaitso

Sometimes I can just go and have a rest for a couple of hours and he'll take care of her.

And how much time does he get off while you take care of her?

What is the point of your post?

A couple of years ago I had a ‘friend’ who drove like that despite my pleadings to slow down.

Was laughed at, told i was too sensitive, perfectly safe blah blah

Often with three Dogs in the back too who were equally unimpressed.

Not seen her for ages as couldn’t cope with the chance of being put in that position again.

I well remember the gut wrenching fear for all of us during what were usually journeys of up to 1.5 hours.

Never forget sitting there with the overwhelming thoughts of just WHY you would deliberately scare someone, anyone like that.

Thanks to this thread I know now so its been v useful on a selfish level.

Wishing you all the best OP & sending strength for you to seriously consider getting away from this very poor example of a man.

@sweetbellyhigh

Sometimes I can just go and have a rest for a couple of hours and he'll take care of her.

And how much time does he get off while you take care of her?

What is the point of your post?

@DrSbaitso is sticking up for the OP. She's pointing out that OP's husband most likely has a load of time to relax and recuperate whilst OP looks after their daughter, whereas husband looking after daughter for 2 hrs so OP can sleep is considered a big deal. She's pointing out the disparity.

That's abusive behaviour from him. Absolutely disgusting. I had this done to me once by my ex and I was absolutely terrified (not even pregnant). What a fucking twat.

@MatildaTheCat

You are obviously in a bad place right now as is your marriage. If you aren’t in a position to leave, or simply don’t want to, I strongly advise you to do/ say one thing. ‘Peter, what happened today in the car was very frightening and dangerous. I’m not going to debate it. If it ever happens again the marriage will be over and I will call the police.’ And mean it.

Nobody here knows if your marriage is salvageable. All relationships do have bad patches and a lot of men are lazy. There’s no doubt that the early years of DC can put an enormous strain on even strong relationships. But you simply must have some boundaries. Put an end to name calling. Stop swearing at each other.

When you are both ready have an adult conversation about whether you both want to save things.

I wish you well.

This

@DrSbaitso is sticking up for the OP. She's pointing out that OP's husband most likely has a load of time to relax and recuperate whilst OP looks after their daughter, whereas husband looking after daughter for 2 hrs so OP can sleep is considered a big deal. She's pointing out the disparity.

That's how I read it too.

Can I be honest. Please. I don't have anyone to speak to in real life about this.

But I don't think he's abusive. I think what he did today was done in anger, but deep inside I just don't know if he did that as a controlling act or whether it was just in anger and also if I misjudged the speed.

I don't know why I feel like that. I just doubt myself.

He can be lazy, a teenager, entitled, moody etc. But I'm unsure if it's abusive.

I shout at him a lot and I call him names too. I'm really trying to scale it back though and have been making an effort to stay calmer and not resort to name calling. He makes my blood boil sometimes and can be very condescending in how he speaks to me. As if I'm dumb. He's called me stupid a number of times now. I'm far from stupid. It's just that we have different approaches to things sometimes and when I try to stand my ground, he's extremely condescending. I let him win a lot because if we end up going with whatever I decide, he ends up being overly critical and just moaning for ever about it.

Like the shopping today, great example. He wanted to go alone, because he says I'm a nightmare and he wanted to browse. I haven't left the house in a few weeks and really wanted to get out. So I said, we can compromise, I'll keep calm and let you look around, but we also just get the food we need etc and don't spend absolute hours in there. I felt an hour plus, was enough time to follow him around the shop, he clearly didn't. I was looking to compromise, but it wasn't enough for him. So he proceeds to just keep going on about how terrible I was in the shop, even though I literally let him do his thing for over an hour. So next time, I'll just not go and stay home I guess.

Anyway, I just can't help but feel he's not this complete monster. I guess compared to my father and some of the men I know, he really doesn't shout a lot and isn't violent. He's more passive aggressive and grumpy and just negative and complains a lot. If you had to say to gets angrier and shouts more, it's definitely me. I'm louder for sure.

Just wanted to check in as a fellow HG sufferer. When I was pregnant with my second, my partner did all night shifts with the first because this is how it should be. This is normal. That is what love, equality and respect looks like.

I'm saying this to give you a snapshot of normal. Not an unproblematic relationship by any stretch, but not abusive. And I'm speaking as someone who has been in two physically abusive relationships, as well as having had a physically abusive father (who also did the driving thing).

Please, don't put yourself and your children through this for any longer. You may not feel physically or mentally strong enough to leave him right now but if you have survived within this toxic environment with a child and HG thus far, you will certainly be able to survive when you walk out the door.

Make the right choice here. You only get one life and so do your children.

Oh and to add, I did my fair share 9f shouting and standing up for myself in the face of the abuse. Doesn't mean it is not abuse.

What is the point of your post?

That I would bet all my Christmas shopping, and next year's too, that he gets more time to himself while OP cares for their child than vice versa.

Am I wrong, OP?

@1potato

Just wanted to check in as a fellow HG sufferer. When I was pregnant with my second, my partner did all night shifts with the first because this is how it should be. This is normal. That is what love, equality and respect looks like.

I'm saying this to give you a snapshot of normal. Not an unproblematic relationship by any stretch, but not abusive. And I'm speaking as someone who has been in two physically abusive relationships, as well as having had a physically abusive father (who also did the driving thing).

Please, don't put yourself and your children through this for any longer. You may not feel physically or mentally strong enough to leave him right now but if you have survived within this toxic environment with a child and HG thus far, you will certainly be able to survive when you walk out the door.

Make the right choice here. You only get one life and so do your children.

Aw thank you. It would be lovely if he did some night shifts. It's hard having HG, being pregnant and having an ill toddler too. Very very hard. I also suffer from another health condition which makes me even more exhausted physically. Every day is a struggle. Moan over.

I'm exhausted ! I'm not vomiting as much so I have a bit more energy, but I still feel sick most of the day. I have small respites now and again though, for which I'm so grateful. As a few weeks ago, I was just feeling sick all day and all night. I still get some nights where I just wake up feeling so sick though. It sucks, to then have to get out of bed / off the sofa to a crying / ill toddler. It's been a very tough few months. So my temper is completely shot.