Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

Ok OP, even if you don’t think it’s abusive (and it is) it still isn’t making you happy is it? A relationship doesn’t have to be abusive for you to leave. Hell, I dumped my last boyfriend - who was kind, reliable, helpful and caring - because I also found him boring and slovenly for leaving his dirty plates all over my flat. He never once shouted at me or put me down, and despite us only dating for six months he walked my dog every day, twice a day, for a week when I was ill, and used to take him out in the mornings too when I wanted a lie in. If we’d have been together longer and had a kid I would expect him to have done at LEAST as much as he did for my dog, for a child. But despite his generosity something was missing, so I ended it, and I’m happier single.

Relationships aren’t about staying in them until you’re hit, or accepting bad treatment because it’s not as bad as it could be. You can leave a relationship for literally any reason you like, and you have PLENTY of reasons to leave. Whether you want to define it as abuse or not is neither here nor there - his behaviour is unacceptable to you and therefore you should leave. And no, most people’s relationships are really not like this. But again, even if they were, doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Stop comparing your marriage to your parents and what you think other people’s are like and think about yourself and your children.

As an aside, I WISH my mum had left my dad - I would describe their relationship as abusive and codependent although nowhere near as bad as yours. But she modelled me terrible boundaries and expectations and I was in a few short toxic relationships before seeking therapy and realising what is and isn’t healthy. Your daughter will be damaged by this environment whether you think you’re shielding her from it or not.

Leave now. The fact is he deliberately put you and his unborn child in danger. If a tyre blew out or traffic came the other way he could of killed you all. That's not love that's being controlling. Can't even admit he was wrong.

As an aside, I WISH my mum had left my dad - I would describe their relationship as abusive and codependent although nowhere near as bad as yours. But she modelled me terrible boundaries and expectations and I was in a few short toxic relationships before seeking therapy and realising what is and isn’t healthy. Your daughter will be damaged by this environment whether you think you’re shielding her from it or not.

@justventing21 That's another good point from Ted. My mum didn't leave my dad until I was about 18, I wish she'd done it many years before that.

I was never shown how to confront unacceptable behaviour and used to play nursey or pickme to men, and rarely respond when they were insulting etc. It's only recently I've learned more about boundaries, assertiveness, and so on. I thank Mumsnet for it really.

So you'd definitely be doing your daughter a big favour by showing her a woman must be being treated decently, or should show them the door.

Your children are going to be so unhappy growing up in this environment.

He sounds selfish and arrogant....I would be planning life without him. You need support and comfort. Good luck.

@justventing your marriage is not within normal boundaries. Your marriage is abusive and the longer this abuse continues the more your child/ren are thinking that this abuse is within normal boundaries :(

[quote EmmasMum12]@justventing your marriage is not within normal boundaries. Your marriage is abusive and the longer this abuse continues the more your child/ren are thinking that this abuse is within normal boundaries :([/quote]
My children ? One is not even born yet and the other one is tiny still. So far, I doubt the damage has been done yet for her. But I take it on board that it won't be good if it continues to be an unhappy marriage situation.

If you want to stay together, get some couples counselling. People on here are piling into the DH but the OP doesn’t sound particularly in control either. As PP have said, your child and unborn child will suffer the most. Flying into the room shouting at him to get up and name calling doesn’t sound healthy for anyone. BOTH get some help. Being ill and tired is no excuse for losing control around small children.

@justventing21

He will argue that it's just me and my impression of the speed is off. He always says that. But like I said, to accelerate like that in the middle of an argument whilst I'm pregnant, is really next level. And then to be told to shut up as well when I was literally screaming in fear, trying the get him to stop. It really sucks.

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you too. Of course your “impression of speed” is not off. He gets angry and wants to do things that scare you with a show of aggression. It’s not much different to kicking in doors and punching walls. Think carefully about the environment you want your baby to grow up in. His behaviour will not change or get better - no amount of reasoning or arguing with him will make him change.

This man sound a lot like my dad, who made our childhood hell with his mood swings and aggressive behaviour. He was also physically and verbally abusive to my DM. Of course he was sometimes lovely and caring and fun - abusive people are not monsters 24/7, which is what makes it so hard to leave.

What you told him in anger may be the truth - that you are not happy. You and your child deserve better.

My children ? One is not even born yet and the other one is tiny still. So far, I doubt the damage has been done yet for her.

The research would say you're wrong - babies can and are affected by arguing around them and any kind of abusive/angry environment will cause them trauma. This can affect them developmentally: trauma causes neurological damage in adults, children and babies. The younger a child is, the more profound the trauma may be - adults and older children may have ways to heal and soothe, whereas babies are obviously incredibly vulnerable and have no way to escape their situation. They don't need to be able to understand the words to absorb the feelings and be traumatised. Sorry, OP.

@beastlyslumber

My children ? One is not even born yet and the other one is tiny still. So far, I doubt the damage has been done yet for her.

The research would say you're wrong - babies can and are affected by arguing around them and any kind of abusive/angry environment will cause them trauma. This can affect them developmentally: trauma causes neurological damage in adults, children and babies. The younger a child is, the more profound the trauma may be - adults and older children may have ways to heal and soothe, whereas babies are obviously incredibly vulnerable and have no way to escape their situation. They don't need to be able to understand the words to absorb the feelings and be traumatised. Sorry, OP.

Oh don't be sorry. Our baby is fine and will be fine. We haven't subjected her to hours of abuse and shouting, despite of what you may think.

There are far far worse situations to be in and an occasional argument in front of a toddler will not harm them long term. That's as far as it's gone for us, in front of her. Nothing drastic. We leave our big fights for when she's not there.

No need to be sorry. Lots of children grow up in terrible homes and end up being fully functioning adults. No one has a perfect life.

Wow OP, I'm finished here. You will make excuses for everything. Unbelievable!

@justventing21 but you do understand that your unborn baby could have died if his erratic driving ended in a crash, don't you? Can you really not see how your choices are putting your babies at risk?

The more I read the OP's replies the more convinced I am that this is a reverse.

Wow, OP.

You're not describing an occassional argument. You're describing name-calling, put downs, and contempt. You're describing threats to kill you all.

No home is perfect, true. But babies deserve a home and parents who are "good enough". Right now, that's not you and your OH. You are frightening me. God knows how your poor babies are supposed to cope.

Op of course this man is abusive.

Read about cognitive dissonance - it explains well why people accept the unacceptable.

Early developmental trauma absolutely does occur.

Look up the fear, obligation and guilt tactics of abusive narcissists - sounds like he is doing all three of them to you.

Its shit and it sucks but you have to leave an abuser because if you don't they can ruin your life. I've done it with a 5 and 1 year old. It was so hard. But best for all of us.

Really and truly, most relationships are not like this nor version's of it. People really do live shared lives with someone who respects, loves and contributes to all aspects of family life equally. I do now.

You have a great career and you could live. Financially independently.

It sounds as though you are deliberately provoked by this man into losing your rag and then feeling ashamed. Unfortunately the next step for a lot of abusers is to provoke you, then hit you in retaliation for what you have said. They get something out of it, i really do not know what. It appears to be satisfying for them.

Please do pm anytime.

Op, youre not looking at him and his behaviour in a normal way. You're viewing this from a point of trauma.

You need to speak to someone open and honestly about his behaviours.

Children removed from abusive parents as babies and toddlers for adoption into loving, stable families will suffer trauma. Early experiences absolutely do affect children and therefore them as adults.

No one sensible thinks you are abusing your children. You live with an abusive man so their risk of witnessing domestic violence or coercive control is substantially higher.

But i will say from a safeguarding perspective, no you are not effectively safeguarding your children. Sorry.

Lots of children grow up in terrible homes and end up being fully functioning adults

You don't know any though. You said that in a previous post. In your own experience everyone you know is in a dysfunctional relationship. So none have ended up being fully functioning adults. None can recognise how bad their relationships are, including you. That will be your children too, living in a shouty abusive home because it is marginally better than their parents’ home.

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Lots of children grow up in terrible homes and end up being fully functioning adults

You don't know any though. You said that in a previous post. In your own experience everyone you know is in a dysfunctional relationship. So none have ended up being fully functioning adults. None can recognise how bad their relationships are, including you. That will be your children too, living in a shouty abusive home because it is marginally better than their parents’ home.

Sorry, but to me, being in a less than ideal marriage ( especially when your kids are small ) does not mean you're not a fully functioning adult.

Everyone I know is slightly fucked up. But we all have good jobs, nice homes and our family lives are OK most of the time.

"Most of the time"

It doesn't matter of a home environment is only abusive 5% of the time. It's still enough to fuck a kid up.

I like the sandwich metaphor. If a sandwich was 95% yummy goodness and 5% actual shit, would you still eat it?

... If a swimming pool was 99 per cent fine and 1 per cent liquid shit, would you swim in it?

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Op, youre not looking at him and his behaviour in a normal way. You're viewing this from a point of trauma.

You need to speak to someone open and honestly about his behaviours.

Children removed from abusive parents as babies and toddlers for adoption into loving, stable families will suffer trauma. Early experiences absolutely do affect children and therefore them as adults.

I will speak to someone about it. My previous therapists never said I was in an abusive relationship though.

But I want to explore it. And I do want to give my kids a better example. If we can't do that, then I will leave.

But I don't accept that I've been shouting at my husband since the day of my daughters birth and that's she's already completely fucked up.

We try to keep that stuff away from her. Some arguments are normal and also healthy for children to witness.

I will not have it insinuated that I'm putting my child at risk. Yesterday's incident has never happened before and she was not in the car. Of course my other child is in my belly. I'm not making excuses, but it's not the norm for stuff like this to happen.

I've just spoken to my husband about it all and we've agreed that it was absolutely unacceptable and he's sorry and says he didn't mean to frighten me. I said, if that ever happens again, even as a joke, we are done.

I'll explore it further though, as so many people say this is an abusive relationship and I do take that seriously and need to work out with a professional if it is.

'Sorry, but to me, being in a less than ideal marriage ( especially when your kids are small ) does not mean you're not a fully functioning adult.'

This is an excellent example of cognitive dissonance.