Page 10 | Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

justventing21 · 2021-12-23T13:18:18+00:00

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting. We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food. Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave. I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly. He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly. Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it. But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho. I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him. I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it. Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

me4real · 23/12/2021 20:15

I shout at him a lot and I call him names too. I'm really trying to scale it back though and have been making an effort to stay calmer and not resort to name calling.

@justventing21 As long as you don't stop being assertive. You can say how you feel and that things he's doing are not ok. Also he probably is deliberately winding you up to make it seem like you're the bad guy/just as bad as him. All the stuff he does will have a cumulative effect, building up inside you.

LJAKS · 23/12/2021 20:17

I feel so sad for your children growing up in an environment where there is no respect modelled. You shout at him and call him names, he does the same. It's not good enough. Your children deserve better. If you can't sort yourself out for yourselves can you not try to be better for them at least?

DrSbaitso · 23/12/2021 20:17

@justventing21

Can I be honest. Please. I don't have anyone to speak to in real life about this.

But I don't think he's abusive. I think what he did today was done in anger, but deep inside I just don't know if he did that as a controlling act or whether it was just in anger and also if I misjudged the speed.

I don't know why I feel like that. I just doubt myself.

He can be lazy, a teenager, entitled, moody etc. But I'm unsure if it's abusive.

I shout at him a lot and I call him names too. I'm really trying to scale it back though and have been making an effort to stay calmer and not resort to name calling. He makes my blood boil sometimes and can be very condescending in how he speaks to me. As if I'm dumb. He's called me stupid a number of times now. I'm far from stupid. It's just that we have different approaches to things sometimes and when I try to stand my ground, he's extremely condescending. I let him win a lot because if we end up going with whatever I decide, he ends up being overly critical and just moaning for ever about it.

Like the shopping today, great example. He wanted to go alone, because he says I'm a nightmare and he wanted to browse. I haven't left the house in a few weeks and really wanted to get out. So I said, we can compromise, I'll keep calm and let you look around, but we also just get the food we need etc and don't spend absolute hours in there. I felt an hour plus, was enough time to follow him around the shop, he clearly didn't. I was looking to compromise, but it wasn't enough for him. So he proceeds to just keep going on about how terrible I was in the shop, even though I literally let him do his thing for over an hour. So next time, I'll just not go and stay home I guess.

Anyway, I just can't help but feel he's not this complete monster. I guess compared to my father and some of the men I know, he really doesn't shout a lot and isn't violent. He's more passive aggressive and grumpy and just negative and complains a lot. If you had to say to gets angrier and shouts more, it's definitely me. I'm louder for sure.

Do you think he doubts himself like you do? If he were on here telling us his side of things, do you think he'd hasten to tell us all the ways you're not so bad and he's worse and maybe he's the problem?

But you know, OP, it doesn't have to be abusive for you to be unhappy and take whatever action might make you happy. You can simply be unsuited, not enjoy each other's company and not want to be married. I'm nor saying that IS how you feel. I'm just saying that it's a possible situation and you don't have to wait until he punches you or cheats on you to have an excuse.

Original poster

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 20:17

@DrSbaitso

What is the point of your post?

That I would bet all my Christmas shopping, and next year's too, that he gets more time to himself while OP cares for their child than vice versa.

Am I wrong, OP?

You bet correctly. He is trying to step up. But who gets the child out of bed in the morning - me. Who makes breakfast - me. Who makes lunch / thinks about lunch ( he never even thinks about it ) me. The list goes on.

He carries her downstairs sometimes in the morning, but also only after he's cleaned himself up etc. So sometimes I'll just be sitting there waiting for him to do as I asked him to do and she's getting impatient and angry and I have to keep asking him. Can't you just carry her downstairs?? You can come straight back up and clean yourself up. It's like that with most things, he always takes ages and you need to ask a million times. Which then causes arguments and resentments.

This is when he's home and not at work by the way. Sometimes it's just easier when he's not here at all. I do everything, but we don't fight at least.

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 23/12/2021 20:17

Lovely, I've given you an example of a man behind a too powerful wheel. It doesn't stack with what your dh did.

DrSbaitso · 23/12/2021 20:19

Have to say, OP, if I had a vomiting condition of any kind and felt nauseous, even if I wasn't also pregnant and with other health issues, and my husband lay around while I ran around after the sick child all night by myself, I'd stop loving him.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 20:19

He IS abusive, you're just not ready to accept it, @justventing21. You'll get there in your own time. It's a slow and painful business to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship and no amount of people screaming at you to leave him will do anything for you as long as you are not willing to consider the enormity of the situation. Many women need to hit rock bottom before they actually do anything.

But if I were you I would try to look closely at the impact his temper and his laziness has on you kids. And don't delude yourself into thinking they don't notice. I can promise you at some level they absorb all the tension and all the anger and interiors this fucked up model of a relationship, just like you did. Maybe thinking about them a little more will help you gather up the strength you are lacking right now. You all deserve better, but you as the adult are the only one that can actually do something to protect them.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 20:20

*interiorise

DrSbaitso · 23/12/2021 20:20

Sometimes it's just easier when he's not here at all. I do everything, but we don't fight at least.

You do everything whether he's there or not, whether you're sick or not.

Original poster

justventing21 · 23/12/2021 20:28

@HacerSonarSusPasos

He IS abusive, you're just not ready to accept it, *@justventing21*. You'll get there in your own time. It's a slow and painful business to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship and no amount of people screaming at you to leave him will do anything for you as long as you are not willing to consider the enormity of the situation. Many women need to hit rock bottom before they actually do anything.

But if I were you I would try to look closely at the impact his temper and his laziness has on you kids. And don't delude yourself into thinking they don't notice. I can promise you at some level they absorb all the tension and all the anger and interiors this fucked up model of a relationship, just like you did. Maybe thinking about them a little more will help you gather up the strength you are lacking right now. You all deserve better, but you as the adult are the only one that can actually do something to protect them.

Definitely for the kids. We only have one right now and she's still very young.

But I don't want to model this for her. Whenever I speak to my mum and sometimes sad about what they modelled for me, they always tell me that I'm an educated adult now and they sent me to university etc and good schools and that it was therefore my responsibility not to end up with a bad marriage like theirs. I always think that they have no idea that most of this stuff is unconscious and you end up in similar patterns unfortunately.

My situation with my husband is nothing like my parents. No where near. But it's still not good enough, according to you all on here. According to me, it's more of less what I thought most marriages are like behind closed doors.

To me an abusive home is literally fights every day and also physical abuse. Threats. Constant put downs and constant arguments. This was my home growing up. My father hated my mother and I only knew shouting, every day. Constant put downs. She was treated like she's just completely worthless. We all wished he would die. The only joy we had was when he was away.

Our home is not like that all the time at all. There are arguments but no threats. Put downs yes. But it's not constant and there's no violence. So I thought it was still within normal bounds.

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 23/12/2021 20:28

Regardless of it being done today - he knows full well that this fast driving is upsetting to you. He’s being an unthoughtful knob purposefully.

Will he do it with a baby in the back. Would you trust him with your child on his own in the car if he’s in a mood.

This scenario is likely to continue for the rest of your life together. Is this what you want?

Before folks start shouting LTB I’d suggest counselling to see if you can both better learn to communicate together. If he refuses that then the ball is in your court.

Please don’t do the ‘staying together for the sake of the child’ that’s toxic bullshit. Kids can feel the vibe in the home. They see the examples you set them of how relationships are - your relationship with your partner becomes your child’s ‘norm’ and what they model from.

GinAndTopic · 23/12/2021 20:36

At the very least sounds like you are very mismatched in temperament/interests/communication - I say this as someone in a similar relationship but not nearly as bad, and I've wondered why we stayed together, but it is a fine balance that mostly works well. If the balance was tipped more towards the negative I couldn't stay. You've told him your true feelings, follow that path, I'm sure you'll be happier in the long run xxx

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 20:41

Our home is not like that all the time at all. There are arguments but no threats. Put downs yes. But it's not constant and there's no violence. So I thought it was still within normal bounds.

Your home is definitely better than the home you grew up in, I agree. But it's not okay. It's still abusive. Your DC are growing up in an environment where there is contempt, name calling, put downs etc. It's an abusive environment.

You say there are no threats, but what was the speeding car thing if not a threat? Shut up or I'll kill us all.

What the car thing also says to me is that his abuse is escalating. He is also gaslighting you, telling you you imagined the speeding and you're stupid to be scared.

OP, I am scared for you. This is no life. This is not an environment that children should be raised in.

You say you don't think your OH is abusive. Okay. Is he concerned about what's happening? Is he troubled by his behaviour? Is he looking into getting therapy for his anger issues, or for the relationship in general? Is he trying to learn about parenting? Is he coming to you saying, let's try and work out where we're going wrong? Is he showing love to you, supporting you practically and emotionally? Does he think about how to be a friend to you? Is he sometimes first to apologise for arguments?

Those are all ways he can show you what kind of a man he is. So, what is he showing you?

What is it that is making you want to stay?

REignbow · 23/12/2021 20:50

I’m sorry but it’s not mismatched temperaments.

@justventing21 shouts after being driven to it. She’s heavily pregnant, has HG, is waking in the night with her DC and sleeps on the sofa! Oh and she is still working at the moment.

He on the other hand, scared the OP, is now sulking, gaslights her and will probably spin this whole thing and make it the OP’s fault (she nags, she shouts, she calls ME names).. what exactly is the use of him? His number one priority is himself.

@justventing21 YOU are in an abusive relationship. It may not be the same as the one that your parents had, it may not be physical but it is abusive.

Please don’t go to joint counselling with him, go to therapy by yourself and read the links people have posted.

Keep posting and maybe start a thread in relationships (and read some of them).

faithfulbird20 · 23/12/2021 20:55

You both need to rest properly and cool off. Even if it means in the same house in different rooms or whatever. Then you need a reality check. What's your relationship like normally?

You don't need to go shopping together especially when you have kids or are pregnant. It's burdensome. Tell him what he needs to get or you go.

faithfulbird20 · 23/12/2021 20:57

@justventing21 how old is your toddler? Please don't let it escalate anymore.

BlueJag · 23/12/2021 21:02

You can only change your behaviour. I've been married 32 years and I can only tell you what works for us.
We fight/argue to topic we keep it clean and nobody is trying to win. We are trying to understand each other.
We don't call each other names even when really angry(we always regret it)
We never use the D word. That's not what we want.
We try to love each other even when we don't feel like it.
You have a new baby on the way. Think about your life with and without him.
If you can afford it pay for help. Get food delivered, have those food boxes with all the ingredients.
Ask him what you can do to improve things. Ask him what he would like out of life? Can you see being in each other's lives for years to come?
I think you can salvage things if you are both willing.
You were both angry and things got out of hand. Actions and words were said that were very harsh and at some point even scary.
Neither of you behaved well.
If you truly don't love him then there isn't much anybody can do unfortunately.
Much reflection is needed. Best of luck and I truly hope you arrive to the best conclusion.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 23/12/2021 21:05

I recently found out a man I was starting a relationship with had done this to his ex-wife.
She called the police and they came out to her. They took it seriously.
I ended things with him too.
You are not over reacting at all.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 23/12/2021 21:07

Just to add to my above comment. It was his pre-school DD that told me about it so it was clearly memorable to her.
Children should not have these memories.

1potato · 23/12/2021 21:07

You're welcome. HG is the worst. I've never felt so low, and that was with a supportive partner. I'm so sorry you're going through this solo.

One more thing...

As I'm sure you know, if you ever have or already have a daughter, they are very likely to also suffer with HG if they decide to have a child. What would you say to your daughter if she were describing your relationship to you? If you have a granddaughter, they are also likely to have HG. What would you say to her?

Sidehustle99 · 23/12/2021 21:43

OP it sounds like you are absolutely fed up and I don't blame you.

What you are describing is established abuse. Your DH has realised he is not number one anymore. You have one DC and while you have coped with that well enough (although it doesn't really sound like a good family dynamic) another child is looming and he is already angry about the impact this will have.

He is doing the absolute minimum to help you. Carrying his DC downstairs so his pregnant wife doesn't have to does not make this man a hero. You are exhausted and ill. You are getting very little actual support. He's not making meals or letting you sleep. To make it worse he resents when you ask for help, which I'm guessing you only do when you are totally frazzled.

The reckless driving is to intimidate you. What he is saying is look what you made me do. This is what happens when you make me mad. Do not cross me again. He doesn't have anger problems he knows exactly when and where to use these tactics. And he is well aware of the audience.

The frustration and anger you have mentioned in your own behaviour sounds a lot like reactive abuse rather than tit for tat. He is pushing and pushing and you react then he calls you a psycho. Notice when he himself displays these behaviours he is not a psycho.

The sad fact is he isn't going to change. This is the beginning of a slide in behaviours. Soon you will have a new baby and feel even more vulnerable than you do now.

I do wonder if you are scared of him. He has already eroded your self confidence. You said it isn't always that bad. That's because he knows if he was this awful all the time you would walk. He is only nice enough of the time so you think it's not that bad/worth staying for. I mean if he was that bad it would make him a monster and he would want to think of himself like that.

As PP have said I think you should read up on why he is behaving this way, also try to access the freedom course or just download the PDF and read it when you can. There's also a book 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship' which is worth a read.

It sounds like you are conditioned into thinking this is what you should expect. It really isn't. There are many good partners out there that do help, that don't keep the pregnant wife waiting for over an hour looking at tools and then drive like an arsehole because she is wreaked. Men that will do the occasional night feed, dummy run. These are not prince's just normal men looking after their DP's.

There are also loads of women rocking this shit on their own because sometimes it's easier than having another child to raise.

Good luck OP I hope you find your strength for your own sake and your DC's

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/12/2021 22:34

There are arguments but no threats? He just threatened to kill you in the car.

crazyjinglist · 23/12/2021 22:36

According to me, it's more of less what I thought most marriages are like behind closed doors.

If that's what you thought marriages were like, why on earth would you want to be married?!

I am firmly of the belief that there are vanishingly few men it wouod be preferable to be married to than to be single. Not because they are all abusers by any means! But because not many will be compatible enough with you or tick enough good guy boxes to make your life better than it would be without them.

Don't stay in your relationship because you've convinced yourself everybody else's husband is as awful as yours. You are kidding yourself!

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 23:15

@Sidehustle99