Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

@Dalalalada

'Sorry, but to me, being in a less than ideal marriage ( especially when your kids are small ) does not mean you're not a fully functioning adult.'

This is an excellent example of cognitive dissonance.

I'll look this up !

'I will not have it insinuated that I'm putting my child at risk. Yesterday's incident has never happened before and she was not in the car. Of course my other child is in my belly. I'm not making excuses, but it's not the norm for stuff like this to happen.'

Its hard to face and i have personal experience of this, but by maintaining a relationship where escalating verbal abuse occurs as well as physically threatening situations, you are without doubt putting your children at risk.

All the best op. Its really hard. I have been exactly where you are. Pm anytime, i will offer any support i can

@Dalalalada

'Sorry, but to me, being in a less than ideal marriage ( especially when your kids are small ) does not mean you're not a fully functioning adult.'

This is an excellent example of cognitive dissonance.

I'm not sure. This is just a difference in beliefs to me.

You believe to be a fully functioning adult, you need to have a perfect life. I do not.

@Dalalalada

'I will not have it insinuated that I'm putting my child at risk. Yesterday's incident has never happened before and she was not in the car. Of course my other child is in my belly. I'm not making excuses, but it's not the norm for stuff like this to happen.'

Its hard to face and i have personal experience of this, but by maintaining a relationship where escalating verbal abuse occurs as well as physically threatening situations, you are without doubt putting your children at risk.

I grieve for the children in that angry toxic household. Even the one in the womb already is being affected.

“My children ? One is not even born yet and the other one is tiny still. So far, I doubt the damage has been done yet for her. But I take it on board that it won't be good if it continues to be an unhappy marriage situation.”

There’s a study that has been done that showed that newborns’ cortisol levels raised when their mother was abused by their father, ^^even when they didn’t witness the abuse. Even when they were asleep in another room when the abuse happened.

I’ll see if I can find a link to the study.

So when does it cross the line from a normal marriage, where there are arguments, to when you would define it as abuse ?

Name calling ? Shouting ? Frequent arguments ?

@justventing21 when one party feels scared and in danger, as you did yesterday.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@justventing21 when one party feels scared and in danger, as you did yesterday.[/quote]
That was literally the first time.

He's done the driving thing before, where he's raced with another idiot at the lights for fun. Which made me very angry and I told him never to do it again. But he's never done it in anger like yesterday.

He says he didn't want to scare me of course.

But do we would agree than, that before yesterday, I was not being abused by my husband or putting my children in danger ?

*then

Frankly I couldn't stay with the sort of twit who gets his kicks from racing people at the lights. They are usually young, testosteroned up idiots with little judgement. They do it to DH all the time - he glides away effortlessly and let's them overtake on full throttle.

^Oh don't be sorry. Our baby is fine and will be fine. We haven't subjected her to hours of abuse and shouting, despite of what you may think.

There are far far worse situations to be in and an occasional argument in front of a toddler will not harm them long term. That's as far as it's gone for us, in front of her. Nothing drastic. We leave our big fights for when she's not there.

No need to be sorry. Lots of children grow up in terrible homes and end up being fully functioning adults. No one has a perfect life.^

@justventing21 Why risk it though OP? Surely you want to give your LO the best possible start in life. Some people are fairly ok after various childhood experiences, but some aren't.

I will speak to someone about it. My previous therapists never said I was in an abusive relationship though.

I like to think they'll say differently if you tell them about the car thing, at least the latest incident. Whether they outright call it abuse or not, (some might just not want to use the word, or might well not be trained about abusive relationships) they'd say it's not good.

@justventing21 please think about what an argument really is op.

Exh was abusive. We didn't argue. He would engineer a scenario , tell me it was my fault , call me an idiot (or worse) , then follow me around the flat shouting at me until I cried. Most importantly of all , he never apologised. I either got the I'm sorry but you must stop doing such and such or a bunch of flowers thrust in my face with no words. Completely dysfunctional and definitely abusive. I was also not allowed to mention the issue again , if I did he would shout and throw things.

Now when myself and my husband argue it's what I would call normal. He says stuff , I say stuff , then we give each other some space and both end up apologising properly. We also talk about why we argued with nobody being assigned blame.

If the first scenario is familiar then that's not good.

@RosesAndHellebores

Frankly I couldn't stay with the sort of twit who gets his kicks from racing people at the lights. They are usually young, testosteroned up idiots with little judgement. They do it to DH all the time - he glides away effortlessly and let's them overtake on full throttle.

Tell me about it. He hasn't done it in years when I'm in the car. But sometimes I can tell he wants to, because the other driver is egging him on. It's really sad.

He did it to scare you. A decent human being would never do that to a pregnant woman. I would knock this on the head and my child would never go in his car again.

No one does this. He needs to grow up.

[quote ToastCrumbsOnAPlate]@justventing21 please think about what an argument really is op.

Exh was abusive. We didn't argue. He would engineer a scenario , tell me it was my fault , call me an idiot (or worse) , then follow me around the flat shouting at me until I cried. Most importantly of all , he never apologised. I either got the I'm sorry but you must stop doing such and such or a bunch of flowers thrust in my face with no words. Completely dysfunctional and definitely abusive. I was also not allowed to mention the issue again , if I did he would shout and throw things.

Now when myself and my husband argue it's what I would call normal. He says stuff , I say stuff , then we give each other some space and both end up apologising properly. We also talk about why we argued with nobody being assigned blame.

If the first scenario is familiar then that's not good.[/quote]
It's definitely more the second scenario. He never follows me around shouting at me.

We also always sit down and talk about it calmly and he does apologise. He did today, he said he really didn't mean to scare me and was always in control of the car. He said he was very very upset that I told him I hate him and he's very worried about that. Doesn't want to fight and will pull his weight more without being asked to do so. I also apologised for what I said.

How does he allow another driver to egg him on? DH has a high performance car at which people look twice. If he ever encounters a boy racer he gives them a smile and let's them race on. They are utterly inconsequential.

OP - you can keep polishing a turd but you can't make it brighter. However it seems your mind is made up and you know best. Posters on here with grown up children and decades of life experience will be unable to change your mind.

@RosesAndHellebores

How does he allow another driver to egg him on? DH has a high performance car at which people look twice. If he ever encounters a boy racer he gives them a smile and let's them race on. They are utterly inconsequential.

OP - you can keep polishing a turd but you can't make it brighter. However it seems your mind is made up and you know best. Posters on here with grown up children and decades of life experience will be unable to change your mind.

I wasn't even defending him though, I was agreeing with you ? That it is sad. We also have a high performance car and sometimes the little boys want to race him. I think it's really sad and he no longer does it. But I can tell sometimes he'd like to, as they egg him on by overtaking etc and driving like idiots themselves.

I've actually taken all the advice on board, but I've also put my own thoughts across. I want to go back to therapy and explore whether this is actually abuse that's happening in my home. Sorry I don't just agree with everything being said straight away. I have my own thoughts and opinions and I've written them down on purpose, so people can disagree with me and show me different points of view, so I can learn something.

@justventing21 but that first scenario I described is what he did to you at the shop.

He kept a pregnant woman with severe sickness waiting , called you a name hen you asked to move on , then scared you by driving dangerously.

But do we would agree than, that before yesterday, I was not being abused by my husband or putting my children in danger ?

Why are you trying to negotiate with us?

People are commenting based upon what you have told us. People who have had real life experience of abuse from a partner.

My reading of your situation is that he is being abusive to you. My evidence ? You need him to carry your DD downstairs in the morning and he (presumably an intelligent, employed man, a father) doesn't do this until you ask, ask and ask again. An action which would take 1, 2 minutes. That's a power thing if ever I heard one.

You may not be ready to label your relationship in this way yet, but hopefully your eyes have been opened for the future.

@DPotter

But do we would agree than, that before yesterday, I was not being abused by my husband or putting my children in danger ?

Why are you trying to negotiate with us?

People are commenting based upon what you have told us. People who have had real life experience of abuse from a partner.

My reading of your situation is that he is being abusive to you. My evidence ? You need him to carry your DD downstairs in the morning and he (presumably an intelligent, employed man, a father) doesn't do this until you ask, ask and ask again. An action which would take 1, 2 minutes. That's a power thing if ever I heard one.

You may not be ready to label your relationship in this way yet, but hopefully your eyes have been opened for the future.

That's also an interesting take on it. Thank you. I never thought of it as a power thing before.

I think it's a defiant teenager thing too that lots of men fall into with their wives. He doesn't like being told what to do.

We had this discussion earlier. I told him that I shouldn't need to tell him what to do. He should just pitch in and do it. I hate having to tell him. It makes me feel like his mother. He agreed that he would just get on with stuff more.. let's see.

@Linguini

He actually called you a psycho for feeling frightened! Actually, he told you to shut up because you were frightened, and called you a psycho for being frightened.

This is a huge huge red flag. You're pregnant and vulnerable. In abusive relationships this is exactly when abuse begins, or escalates.

He is not a good man. He's terrifying.

This this and this.

Blimey what a sad thread.

Even if this isn't abusive; it sounds miserable. Nobody sounds happy here.

It really doesn't need to be this way.

It's not a race to the bottom. Just because nobody you know has a good relationship doesn't mean there aren't any out there.

You don't need to stand by your mistake just because you've spent a long time making it.

You believe to be a fully functioning adult, you need to have a perfect life. I do not.

You keep using this same argument about a perfect life or perfect relationship. Nobody else on here has ever used the word perfect. No fully functioning adult believes everything is perfect at all times. You are using the word perfect to justify your husband putting you and your unborn child at risk. You're using it to justify an abusive relationship.

I think it's a defiant teenager thing too that lots of men fall into with their wives. He doesn't like being told what to do.

That to me again shows that he has an issue with power. I bet he doesn’t worry about telling you what to do? That’s because he feels like he is the powerful and ‘in charge’ dominant one in the relationship and that it is your place to get on with the wife work and do everything. It is not your place to tell him what to do because he is in charge and has the power, hence the defiance.

A relationship should be equal, you should be a team and should want to distribute tasks equally and to do things to help each other out. More importantly you should both want to ensure your DD is happy and cared for and to want to meet her needs; the fact he is happy to lie in bed listening whilst she cries and wait for his sick, pregnant wife to drag herself up the stairs to attend to her shows that he doesn’t care about your needs or the needs of your DD. He sees himself as the most important person in the household and that is dangerous because in a true family every person is equal, one persons needs shouldn’t outweigh anyone else’s especially when that person is a healthy and capable adult.

I hope he can change because you’re clearly not willing to put the needs of you and your DC ahead of his needs but I doubt he will, why would he when he is the person in the position of power and dominance?