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Original poster

Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

166 replies

whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

  • Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

There is so much more to this story and huge backstory but too much to type!

OP posts:
supercritter · 23/12/2021 11:03

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2021 11:05

Your plans haven’t gone to pot, you’re just possibly including an extra person. Ask if she wants to come with you and if she says yes than explain to your grandma and your inlaws. If they make her feel like a spare part they’re not very nice. Of course it’s not ideal but what can you do? If she doesn’t want to come then call SS and tell them she’s been left at home.

TheDrWillSeeYouNow · 23/12/2021 11:07

Poor little thing, this is heartbreaking. Can you pick her up on your way to Christmas breakfast and keep her with you, drop her home on Boxing Day?

Thesearmsofmine · 23/12/2021 11:10

Take her with you, if your DH family are nice people they will do everything they can to make her feel comfortable.

As an aside keep reporting her parent.

AyeOop · 23/12/2021 11:10

Ask her, I suspect her dad won't care either way
The best time for getting to know people is birthdays & Christmas
It may even turn into a new family tradition for you all
I hope she agrees and you have a lovely time together

Odoreida · 23/12/2021 11:12

Absolutely take her with you. I'm sure DH's parents will be kind to her? Could you bring and wrap something that they could give to her / she could give to them, so she feels less like a spare part? And give her the option of spending a bit of time on her phone / with a book in another room during the day if she is shy or bored? I would have appreciated that at that age with adults I didn't know.

RobinPenguins · 23/12/2021 11:12

@Thesearmsofmine

Take her with you, if your DH family are nice people they will do everything they can to make her feel comfortable.

As an aside keep reporting her parent.

This, I hope she comes with you and has a lovely day. Poor girl.
ShirleyPhallus · 23/12/2021 11:12

@supercritter

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know
I agree with this

The thread title is a little dramatic too, your plans haven’t “gone to pot”!

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/12/2021 11:12

If dh parents are decent they will nip ti the shops today buy and wrap a £10 present for her abs name her feel very welcome. If they aren’t willing to do that I wouldn’t go there at all.

Dithercats · 23/12/2021 11:15

Take her with you...she's 11. Let her join in the fun.
Don't stop reporting to SS. You can phone duty social services (Google for the local phone number) on Xmas to say she has been left alone, but you will keep her with you to keep her safe. It's been logged in the system then and builds a picture.

JustLyra · 23/12/2021 11:17

Take her with you.

It’s a slightly different situation as they’d met him, but when I took my nephew on DH’s family made him feel so so welcome at Christmas.
If your DH’s family are nice they’ll do the same - the vast majority of people would for a child basically abandoned at Christmas. Take them with you

BigFatLiar · 23/12/2021 11:18

Instead of feeling like a spare part it may be a chance for her to meet people who might like a relationship with her and treat her well.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/12/2021 11:21

Would the dad let you take her with you? It sounds like he wouldn't care but is there a chance he'd put his foot down and make things even worse?

If you can then obviously the best thing would be to take her with you, possibly letting her stay overnight and take her to your parents on boxing Day too as I'm assuming they're related?

Faevern · 23/12/2021 11:23

While I understand your family not including the father in plans not sure I understand them not including the 11 year old child, given the background. Have you asked your cousin what she wants to do, does she have grandparents or other family who are familiar?

Not sure how your plans have gone to pot?

CrappyXmasMarket · 23/12/2021 11:24

Awwww OP that so sad. Poor kid. Yes if at all possible I would include her in your plans and explain the situation to the relatives you'll be visiting. I'm sure they will do their best to make her feel welcome. I'm glad she has someone like you looking out for her.

FAQs · 23/12/2021 11:25

If you’re are able to, please take the child with you.

FreedomFaith · 23/12/2021 11:28

I'd wait and see if he abandons her, then if he does, call the police on him and take her for the day so that she isn't alone. One stone, two birds. You may end up with another child in your house permanently of course, but I'd rather that than watch that bastard 'raise' her.

PumpkinEye · 23/12/2021 11:29

She won’t feel as a spare part. She will watch and learn how Christmas should be. To be treated well, being liked for who she is, and listened to - like she deserves!

FetchezLaVache · 23/12/2021 11:31

How much would you enjoy Christmas knowing there's an 11 year old child at home alone? Of course you should include her. Let PILs know ASAP so they can get her a little present to unwrap.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/12/2021 11:34

Take her with you. She won't feel like a spare part - she'll be delighted to feel part of a family, hopefully it can become a tradition. Lots of families have extra members like this.

Tee up your DH parents so they make her feel welcome, and hopefully a few bits and bobs can be put under the tree for her.

It will be - literally - lifesaving for her to have felt wanted and love at a few key moments in her childhood. Adults who never felt loved as kids often end up on really destructive paths.

Thank God she has you looking out for her.

MadeOfStarStuff · 23/12/2021 11:35

Take her with you, it’s heartbreaking to imagine any of the 11 year olds I know being all alone at Christmas, they’re just children

Explain the situation to family and in laws in advance, ask them to include her as much as possible. I think most decent people would be kind to a child in these circumstances.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 23/12/2021 11:38

Are you sure that the parent said that she would be home alone?

Is the friend's house going to be welcoming or is just parent dragging her along to a piss up?

EdenFlower · 23/12/2021 11:40

I would ask her to come with you- you can ask her to look after and play with her little cousin, that way she will feel useful and not a spare part.

7eleven · 23/12/2021 11:41

I’d ask if she could stay for a few days as give her the family Christmas she deserves.

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