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Original poster

Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

166 replies

whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

  • Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 23/12/2021 15:24

Sorry if it’s already been mentioned but what about having her for Boxing Day when you go to your parents?

yabbadabbad · 23/12/2021 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 18:06

@HaveringWavering

So, her father is my uncle. There is only my DM and my uncle on their side.
Her mother lives (and was born) in another European country so none of her maternal family here.
Our shared grandparents (who are divorced) are too unwell and too old to have her, and one lives 60+miles away. There would need to be supervision for either of them.
My DM and DF have cut off my uncle (and not intentionally but consequently my cousin) there is a big backstory of significant childhood and adulthood abuse towards my DM from uncle and so she no longer feels able to cope with his abuse/toxicity. I understand that. Usually my sibling has the cousin but they have an incredibly busy job which could call them away any minute and if you agree to have her he then starts abuse and tbh it is a lot to deal with. I can't really convey the type of emotional abuse he starts with, it's very draining.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 18:11

I will be having her now anyway, to put posters minds at ease a bit as to her fate on Xmas. But this is a wider issue and not just a Christmas one. It is one I have been trying to sort out for many years but proving this abuse to a degree where CS can actually take action is easier said than done. He is incredibly manipulative and is able to put on a good show. Bar me having a camera in their home I'd struggle to prove the emotional abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 18:12

@DitheringBlidiot She is coming with us and we already have pressies for her, we always do for Xmas and bdays regardless of where she is.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 23/12/2021 18:14

Glad she’s going to be with you. It sounds like a really tough situation and thank goodness you are looking out for her. Have a lovely Christmas.

Suzanne999 · 23/12/2021 18:16

Far more risk to the child leaving her home alone. As well as being thoroughly miserable for the poor kid. Is her parent likely to drink to excess or use drugs while out with his mates?

CariadWelshcake · 23/12/2021 18:19

What a very sad situation Op. I would take the wee one with me snd my family safe in the knowledge that anywhere we went people would treat her as one of ‘us’.

I’m sure your husbands family are the same.

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 18:43

@JustLyra
The OP can't just take the child.

The burden of proof for having a child removed from their parents is incredibly high.

The OP has a fine line to tread between keeping the child safe and not alienating the parent to the point he cuts the OP off.

It's so much more difficult and complicated than "just take the child with you".

-- (couldn't quote you so copied)

Exactly this, the amount of times he's cut us off for weeks for speaking up against him/making referrals just results in more drama for her. Also, as it's hard to prove emotional abuse without things like DV/CSE/MH issues, then we are just making referrals that are effectively he said/she said referrals

OP posts:
Robin233 · 23/12/2021 19:46

At what age can dn choose to live with you?
So sad the damage this neglect is doing to her emotional well being.

lololololollll · 23/12/2021 21:10

I'm not sure if I've read this wrong, but an 11 year old is told by her Dad she can stay home alone or go to his mates??? Literally no question I would take them in and that's surely actual neglect. Sorry if I've missed something somewhere as I've had a wine or two bug this seems glaringly obvious what needs to happen

lololololollll · 23/12/2021 21:13

Sorry I didn't read the full thread, face palm

FAQs · 24/12/2021 13:57

Well done @whatafarce it’ll mean so much to her now and when she becomes as adult. When you have an abusive childhood people offering kindness stays with you. X

JustLyra · 24/12/2021 14:19

[quote whatafarce]@JustLyra
The OP can't just take the child.

The burden of proof for having a child removed from their parents is incredibly high.

The OP has a fine line to tread between keeping the child safe and not alienating the parent to the point he cuts the OP off.

It's so much more difficult and complicated than "just take the child with you".

-- (couldn't quote you so copied)

Exactly this, the amount of times he's cut us off for weeks for speaking up against him/making referrals just results in more drama for her. Also, as it's hard to prove emotional abuse without things like DV/CSE/MH issues, then we are just making referrals that are effectively he said/she said referrals [/quote]
I totally understand.

When people used to take my father to task for his abuse of us it was us that paid the price after.

She will massively appreciate you when she’s older - the moment I realised what a fine line my paternal grandparents walked to stay in our lives I loved them even more. It meant they could rescue us when they did get the proof. By that point everyone else had walked away for their own sakes.

RamblingOldWoman · 24/12/2021 14:56

So glad you’re taking her OP. Not sure why it was a last minute thing though. Did you only find out today what her Dad had said about going to his mates?

Not that it SHOULD be on you of course, but you obviously know what he’s like so I would have considered this long before today in your shoes.

I hope she has a lovely time with you. Do you have some board games she could play with you all so she feels included? I have an 11 year old and he adores playing Articulate with us.

Merry Christmas to you all and thank god she had you Flowers.

Clarinet1 · 24/12/2021 16:16

Never mind sleeping arrangements - this the time we remember a baby who was born in a stable because there was no room at the inn.

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