Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

166 replies

whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

  • Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 23/12/2021 13:36

@supercritter

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know
This . If everyone is warm and friendly towards her then she wont feel like “a spare part “
Jellycatspyjamas · 23/12/2021 13:44

At 11 she’ll be well aware of his behaviour and of people distancing themselves and her not wanting people to feel sorry for her, so will of course look not bothered. I’d make arrangements for her to come, pick her up on Christmas Eve and then block communication from him. If need be send a message/email outlining that you’ve invited her for Christmas from x day til y day and will contact him if there’s an emergency.

Her sleeping on the sofa in a warm, caring environment is much better than her being in a neglectful environment - the sleeping arrangements might not meet your ideal, but sound much much better than what she’s living with and it’s only a couple of nights. I understand why the family want to back away from him, but then she’s left to deal with behaviour as a child that adults don’t want to/can’t cope with.

In the longer term, if you’re able to give her a bolt hole when she needs support it would be invaluable to her. So many times an engaged, interested adult is the difference between kids getting through childhood intact or not. It doesn’t sound like the situation would meet the threshold for social work to remove her, but keep referring things that sound harmful to you.

Chloemol · 23/12/2021 13:45

Just take them with you

Why don’t you seek custody?

BobbyeinArkansas · 23/12/2021 13:45

Goodness me, I'll take the child, OP, if you taking her renders your Christmas plans going to pot.

My heart goes out to the poor little poppet.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 13:45

its your decision op
you know the full story and any possible repercussions.
did she say i dont mind
that is at least more positive than saying an out right no
but you need to sell it to her DF, who may well want her with him for the day.

Stormbraver99 · 23/12/2021 13:46

This is such a heartbreaking situation.

Definitely keep reporting it.
From what you have said, the poor child needs to be removed from him asap.

JustLyra · 23/12/2021 13:47

@whatafarce

I'm not sure if anyone has read my update but, I have told her she can be with us.

She ALWAYS has presents from us, birthdays and Xmas, she is never left out. So yes, she will have presents under the tree for her!

There is a HUGE backstory to this, her father is incredibly toxic and abusive so if you agree to have her it comes with an onslaught of abuse for the day and I do have a 16m DD to protect also. My parents have cut contact and my sibling has said she is not dealing with him this Christmas after the abuse he gave us all last year.

I still need to respond to people on here individually it's just a lot to deal with.

She will always remember that you didn’t give up.

My parents were neglectful and abusive. While I understand why my maternal Grandparents and my aunts and uncles walked away for their own sakes, I’ve never forgotten that that meant they walked away knowing what my life (and my siblings) was.

My paternal grandparents were like you. They put up with a lot to keep me close and it made the biggest difference to my life. I ended up living with them, but as an adult their love is one of the things that helps me balance out the dark moments where I wonder “was Dad right, am I unlovable?”

Thank you for not giving up on her.

logsonlogsoff · 23/12/2021 13:49

Take the child with you. Your plans haven’t gone to lot because you’re showing kindness to an 11 year old child.

appleturnovers · 23/12/2021 13:54

Absolutely bring her, no question about it!

Like someone else said, a child being alone and feeling unwanted on Christmas day is way, way, way worse than her feeling a bit awkward with strangers. Put a film on for her while you're chatting to your in-laws if you feel she'll be bored by the adult convos. Also she can play with your DD.

Just tell her you're picking her up, don't even make it a question. You say you asked her and she said no, but, she's almost certainly just being polite, and given that her own father has made it clear he doesn't particularly care whether she's around or not, she probably feels like her presence anywhere is an inconvenience so you need to really insist that you would love for her to come, and your DD would really love to see her so you'll be picking her up at X o'clock unless she seriously objects.

TwistedOlivers · 23/12/2021 13:54

A foregone conclusion surely that she's with you
You pick her up, you include her in evrtything and when you drop her off you tell her Father what a complete fucking waste of space he is
The End

Chocolatewheatos · 23/12/2021 13:55

Can you pick her up Christmas eve. Even if she tells him she's going to a friends and you pick her up round the corner. You share with her, DH sleeps on the sofa. Just muddle through one night and make it special for her

BurbageBrook · 23/12/2021 14:00

It’s sad that you’re even hesitating OP.

Of course take her!

BurbageBrook · 23/12/2021 14:01

Can she not live with you as well?

Chocolatewheatos · 23/12/2021 14:06

Telling her that she can spend Christmas with you if she wants isn't the same. She's been told she's a burden, she doesn't feel worthy. Tell her you want her to spend Christmas with you, you want her to stay over, you want to watch a Christmas film with goodies in bed etc. Make her feel wanted instead of being a burden on everyone

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 23/12/2021 14:11

Could you wait for him to go off to his mate's house and then swing by and get her once he's gone?

JustLyra · 23/12/2021 14:11

@BurbageBrook

Can she not live with you as well?
The OP can't just take the child.

The burden of proof for having a child removed from their parents is incredibly high.

The OP has a fine line to tread between keeping the child safe and not alienating the parent to the point he cuts the OP off.

It's so much more difficult and complicated than "just take the child with you".

Allsorts1 · 23/12/2021 14:13

Yes tell her you’d absolutely love to have her at Christmas and would really appreciate the girl company, and that you want your DD to have fun with her/or think you might need her help on the day. Say whatever makes sense to make her feel like you’d love her to be with you, rather than you’re offering out of pity. And tell her dad that you’d like to ask if she can be with you because you would like the cousins to bond or something like that.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/12/2021 14:14

If your parents are as kind and compassionate as you, I don't see the issue .

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 23/12/2021 14:17

That’s what Xmas is all about - considering those less fortunate. How could you possibly leave her out? Reminds of A Christmas Carol - the boy is Ignorance and the girl is Want…

HaveringWavering · 23/12/2021 14:22

Just thinking through the relationships here. The girl is your cousin, so you and she must share a set of grandparents. However I am guessing that the grandma that you are going to visit on Christmas Day must not be the shared one.

Abusive Dad must be the sibling of one of your parents. Your parents are nearby as you usually go to them for Christmas tea, but this year they have decided not to invite brother/BIL and their niece. Any idea why they are comfortable with cutting out the little girl as well as her father? Could she not go and spend the day with her aunts and uncles?

Also, where are the shared grandparents? Are they still living? If yes, would they not be up for spending Xmas day with their grandchild?

PrincessNutella · 23/12/2021 14:39

Bring her with you! Sometimes a change of scene is just what you need. If you treat her with kindness and attention that is what matters.

VestaTilley · 23/12/2021 14:42

Take her with you, and give her a lovely day.

That poor, poor little girl. That’s just heartbreaking. Who leaves an 11 year old alone on Christmas Day?

Your relative sounds awful. Please make another social services referral in the New Year and tell them he said she could stay alone at home on Christmas Day. That’s child neglect.

Please just let her join in with you; I hope you all have a lovely day together.

DitheringBlidiot · 23/12/2021 14:53

I don't think I could enjoy Christmas knowing she was alone or feeling unwelcome in her parents friends house. You could frame it as please come with us rather than would you like to? Then nip to Tesco/b&m and get her some bits to unwrap.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/12/2021 14:53

@supercritter

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know
I couldn't leave an 11 year old child alone on Xmas Day or any other. I wouldn't be giving her the choice - I'd have couched it as a done deal she'd be coming with you. Sleeping on the sofa with you and DH in the same house vs home alone - I know which is worse.
BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 23/12/2021 14:57

@MyDcAreMarvel

If dh parents are decent they will nip ti the shops today buy and wrap a £10 present for her abs name her feel very welcome. If they aren’t willing to do that I wouldn’t go there at all.
Last minute guests are the reason I always keep two or three small presents on hand, chocolate, smellies etc., just in case, one of our family could have a child fostered on her at any time so it seemed a good idea.