Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

[whatafarce]

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

• Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

@whatafarce

I'm not sure if anyone has read my update but, I have told her she can be with us.

She ALWAYS has presents from us, birthdays and Xmas, she is never left out. So yes, she will have presents under the tree for her!

There is a HUGE backstory to this, her father is incredibly toxic and abusive so if you agree to have her it comes with an onslaught of abuse for the day and I do have a 16m DD to protect also. My parents have cut contact and my sibling has said she is not dealing with him this Christmas after the abuse he gave us all last year.

I still need to respond to people on here individually it's just a lot to deal with.

How have you worded it?

Have you said that you would absolutely love for her to join and will try to make it really special for her?

Please take her with you

OP,
You need to be very careful here.

I know you want to help this child but you need to be sure you have permission to take her with you.
If you have reported the parent to Social Services they will have a file on the family and may have given instructions to the parent, or might be monitoring the situation
You are laying yourself open to accusations of kidnapping, and your DH to child abuse and goodness know what else, from someone you say is toxic and a troublemaker.
Please get advice from Social Services or NSPCC before you do anything.

What is the emotional abuse?

Surely she could go with you and everyone you are visiting would make the kid feel included...

I would just include her in your plans if you can

I haven’t read all the replies, only your own updates. Could you put a referral into social services about her being left alone all day on Christmas Day?

Do you have a good relationship with the child? If it were me, I would be saying to her that I would really like for her to be included in our Christmas festivities. I personally would be inviting her to my house on Christmas Eve and hope her father allows this, and letting her stay for a few days. Has she ever experienced a good Christmas with family and not wondering what her dad is going to say or act?

I feel so sorry for her, and like some of the replies I have read, I don’t know why your saying Christmas has gone to pot. I don’t mean to be rude, and presumptions but it does seem as if you feel put out by this just with your title of the thread.

Insist they come with you. This is more important than any other Christmas plan. This is literally the type of inclusion we sentimentalise at Christmas, although I recognise you are trying to help throughout the year too.

@FancyAFlapjack

Your plans have not gone to pot. To give a little perspective, I was supposed to be collecting my mother for Christmas today, but she died suddenly and unexpectedly at the weekend 😞

Check with your ILs, obviously, but surely anyone invite an 11 year old in these circumstances. If they're worried about having enough food, pop to the shops and get some extra pigs in blankets etc, to pad out the turkey.

I’m so sorry Flapjack 💐

Frame it to her dad that you're doing him a favour, and he'd be doing you one - she can baby sit your kid, and he doesn't have to have her under his feet.

If it's a win for him, with a dose of doing you a favour to boot, he's much less likely to kick off about it all.

But, yes, take her, if you can. My DD is 11 and its awful thinking of her alone in the house all day on Christmas Day. I'm by no means a helicoptery parent who thinks they shouldn't ever be left, but they are still children.

@FancyAFlapjack

Your plans have not gone to pot. To give a little perspective, I was supposed to be collecting my mother for Christmas today, but she died suddenly and unexpectedly at the weekend 😞

Check with your ILs, obviously, but surely anyone invite an 11 year old in these circumstances. If they're worried about having enough food, pop to the shops and get some extra pigs in blankets etc, to pad out the turkey.

I am so sorry for your loss FancyAFlapjack x

Your 11 year old cousin comes before other adults. Go and get them on Christmas eve and give them a safe, happy and warm Christmas in your own house. You can visit relatives another time. If you don't have food in, make a spag bol. Watch films together, go for a walk, make them feel involved. If you know they are not looked after properly then give them this one special day, don't impose strangers on them and traipse about with them in tow

Oh please insist that she's to be included as part of your Christmas Day. The alternative is so very sad. In years to come, I know which one would be a better memory for her.

I wasn't in this situation but in one not entirely dissimilar as a young teenager. I spent one Christmas with the family of an older friend. I remember being incredibly touched by the fact that her extended family - who I had never met before - got me little Christmas presents because I was spending the day with them. It was entirely unexpected and so kind and thoughtful and I've never forgotten it. At the time I felt a bit embarrassed that I hadn't bought them anything, but looking back I doubt that they minded. When you have a close family member who is emotionally abusive or unavailable, having other people seem to value you is so important.

If she's happy to go with you, OP, you're doing the right thing, and I suspect it'll be remembered.

Wrap some presents up for her and take the 11 year old. I couldn’t not take her. Make sure she’s ok to have space away from the adults there if she’s shy around strangers. Show her what a genuine family’s love can be like, instead of one that’s full of lies, drama and hate.

Also that’s a lot of travelling in one day, can’t it be spread over the whole Christmas period ! Less stressful

If I were in your shoes I'd be calling social services weekly and causing a hell of a fuss. I couldn't sleep at night worrying about that poor child

I could not enjoy my Christmas if a I knew a child that was being left alone on Christmas Day. Of course you should offer to have her, and make sure she doesn’t feel like a spare part too. Poor kid.

1. You don’t need to respond to each poster individually, OP!

2. Of course you should pick up the child and include her in your Christmas plans. I don’t understand why it would matter that she doesn’t know some of the people involved.

3. But mostly I’m at all the running around from place to place you do on Christmas Day. It seems such hard work!

Thank you for being the one who cares and worries about her.

May you all have a happy, peaceful and blessed Christmas.

the child probably feels loyal to her df

She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Will you enjoy your day knowing this? I don't think you would, I know I wouldn't. Please pick her up and take her with you. Let her know how families are meant to be with those they love.

Yes please take her.
Some people say I'm not bothered but mean yes but are just trying to shrug it off if that makes sense.
She's lucky to have you and I hope it works out and you all have a lovely day x

Blimey. Your priority here is without a doubt this poor abused child. It's Christmas. I wouldn't give a shit if my plans had 'gone to pot' if it meant that this child wasn't alone and sad over Christmas.

Do whatever is necessary to include this child. People like that child is precisely what Christmas should be about - not different locations for food !

I feel for you OP, this year is just so hard

@whatafarce

Hello all, I'm just going to read your posts and try and answer any questions.

As an update, I've offered her to come with me but she's said she's not bothered (I'm sure she is saying this so she can put up walls and not feel rejected either way). I've asked DH parents and they are happy to have her too.

Will add more shortly just about running errands now for last minute Xmas bits just in case.

“She is not bothered” oh bless, this is the stock answer of a child who is used to rejection and broken promises. It’s a safety barrier put up so people don’t know how much you do care really.

Go back to her and say you have spoken to everyone and how much everyone would love her to come and is looking forward to seeing her. Say what a help it would be to you having someone for your DC to play with. Make her feel wanted and needed.