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Original poster

Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

166 replies

whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

  • Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2021 13:05

Poor child - I'm glad you've given her the option to come along with you. At 11, she may feel too awkward to do so, but at least she knows you cared enough to ask her, despite the risk of being further abused by her appalling-sounding father!

I hope she decides to come along - but it's no reflection on you if she doesn't, she's just hitting that age where she might feel she'd quite enjoy a day by herself, so long as she has food, a tv and some form of electronic entertainment! I'm pretty certain my 13yo would LOVE to be left home alone and not have to talk to anyone!

It does sound awful for her in general though - so it's good she knows someone has her back. Thanks

SeaToSki · 23/12/2021 13:07

@FancyAFlapjack

Your plans have not gone to pot. To give a little perspective, I was supposed to be collecting my mother for Christmas today, but she died suddenly and unexpectedly at the weekend 😞

Check with your ILs, obviously, but surely anyone invite an 11 year old in these circumstances. If they're worried about having enough food, pop to the shops and get some extra pigs in blankets etc, to pad out the turkey.

Sending you 💐. So sorry for your loss
SeaToSki · 23/12/2021 13:09

Agree with this.

“Thats OK that you arent bothered, but I am. I would LOVE to have you with us for Xmas. You make our days brighter and DD looks up to you so much. Please come with us”

InternationalRelationist · 23/12/2021 13:10

Will your neice have something nice to wear? She may be embarrassed to come if not.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/12/2021 13:11

@FancyAFlapjack

I’m so sorry for your loss SadFlowers

mumda · 23/12/2021 13:13

@whatafarce

I'm not sure if anyone has read my update but, I have told her she can be with us.

She ALWAYS has presents from us, birthdays and Xmas, she is never left out. So yes, she will have presents under the tree for her!

There is a HUGE backstory to this, her father is incredibly toxic and abusive so if you agree to have her it comes with an onslaught of abuse for the day and I do have a 16m DD to protect also. My parents have cut contact and my sibling has said she is not dealing with him this Christmas after the abuse he gave us all last year.

I still need to respond to people on here individually it's just a lot to deal with.

Concentrate on making Christmas wonderful for everyone in your extended family. Mumsnet can wait.
worriedandannoyed · 23/12/2021 13:15

I could cry reading this. To think there are children in this situation on Christmas Day. They should be the centre of any plans on Christmas Day, the whole day should be focused on making sure every child should feel so special and loved. The emotional damage to her of what he's doing will last her whole lifetime.

McFarts · 23/12/2021 13:15

Could you suggest to her that you need a hand with you toddler? that she would be a great help or that you DC have asked after her? make it sound like she would be doing you a massive favour.....and then spoil her rotten!!!

FancyAFlapjack · 23/12/2021 13:18

Thank you to everyone for your kind comments.

And thank you for caring about your cousin, OP - it sounds as if your heart is very much in the right place. I agree with @viques about why she has responded in a noncommittal way.

dontcallmelen · 23/12/2021 13:21

[quote BrutusMcDogface]@FancyAFlapjack

I’m so sorry for your loss SadFlowers[/quote]
Sincere condolences 💐

rc22 · 23/12/2021 13:22

I would speak to social services about this. Tell them that you are concerned that she is going to be left home alone and that you are very willing to have her with you for a family Christmas but she has currently turned down this invitation and you have concerns about the safety of your own child if you continue to intervene in this situation.

Balonziaga · 23/12/2021 13:22

@McFarts

Could you suggest to her that you need a hand with you toddler? that she would be a great help or that you DC have asked after her? make it sound like she would be doing you a massive favour.....and then spoil her rotten!!!
Yes this is a good idea. As others have said (and as you know better than any of us) she is conditioned to be let down so is too scared to show, or even feel, enthusiasm.

Thank you for everything you are doing for her. Perhaps as a way to deflect abuse from her Dad, you could pretend that you are giving him a 'break' for Christmas.

I really hope SS step up sooner rather than later.

Liverbird77 · 23/12/2021 13:26

Scoop her up and give her a great day!

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 13:28

@FancyAFlapjack I am sorry to hear that, what an awful loss to suffer before Christmas.

@CheshireKitten123 Exactly and it's not just that, as I said, I have a 16mDD to protect and if you look after her, he finds a way to make the day vile for everyone.

We always see her on Christmas but this year I thought my sibling would be taking charge of that so we could go to DHs without the stress of seeing her father (he insists on being part of it so you have to have the stress of him instead of just being able to see her) but they've opted out.

@oftenbaffled Things like telling her shes stupid (I have confronted him about this and he stopped me seeing her for weeks), and that she's smelly and she will never attract a husband (before anyone asks yes are in the UK, he's just a sexist/misogynistic vile pig)
We try to bolster her self esteem and tell her she's smart/lovely/kind/strong etc but you can only do so much to mitigate the damage he causes.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 23/12/2021 13:28

Poor girl, if she was my relative I couldn’t enjoy my Christmas Day if I knew she was home by herself.
Please invite her along with you.

ilovesushi · 23/12/2021 13:29

Thank goodness she has you thinking of her! Rather than leaving it to her to decide what she wants which could be a bit awkward for her, just let her know arrangements. "We'll be picking you up at x o'clock to go round to X's. Can't wait to see you!" Then she won't feel like she's forcing herself on you. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas. xxx

Whostoblame · 23/12/2021 13:30

Text/call her and say, I'll pick you up at this time. No questions, just this is what I'm doing. That's no day for anyone, let alone a child, sitting watching their parent get lashed at their pals house. Keep reporting the parent and please just take her with you. Let her have a nice xmas day. If her parent is as abusive and toxic.as you say, there will be very little joy in her life Sad

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 13:30

@Balonziaga Yeah we often manage to swing it by making it seem as if we are pandering to him.

Unfortunately she's no longer able to stay at mine because I don't have a spare room and she can't share with DD as it's a tiny room with a cot! She could stay on sofa but it's a separate floor and I'd hate her to be scared.
I would say mine and DH bed but I like to be on same floor as DD as she's sick currently and is needing a lot of supervision

OP posts:
thedefinitionofmadness · 23/12/2021 13:31

Head him off at the pass - go get her now - get the unpleasantness over with. Then block his calls till you return her. He's going out to get pissed with his mates so hopefully he'll have no capacity for plaguing you.

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 13:33

Also, I will always keep reporting him even though we cannot prove anything worth her being removed. I have to be careful now though as in the past he has had duty social workers who haven't read the case notes and have told him it's us reporting which causes more drama. Have also reported to the police in the past when he was leaving her with my great nana who has Alzheimer's, police then also told him it was us!!!!! It caused no end of stress and abuse.

OP posts:
thedefinitionofmadness · 23/12/2021 13:34

honestly just find a way with the sleeping arrangements
bring your DD in with you for a couple of nights
there is a way - I understand your hesitation entirely but you can make christmas nice for her whilst the bigger problem is sorted
TBH if she's being left alone over Xmas she's not going to be scared sleeping on the sofa.

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 13:34

@thedefinitionofmadness he doesn't get pissed, he is just vile! And he always finds capacity to cause drama. He will be with mates talking shit about 5G and Donald Trump as lord and saviour.

OP posts:
SleighbellsZ · 23/12/2021 13:35

Blow up mattress/make shift bed on DDs floor, DD in with you.
There's lots of things that can be done for the sleeping arrangements.

zingally · 23/12/2021 13:35

I think getting the cousin surrounded by kind, safe adults (even if she doesn't know them) is a whole lot better than leaving her alone.

Poor kid. It sounds like the more sensible adults she has on her side, the better.

CheshireKitten123 · 23/12/2021 13:36

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i hope her dad is ok with this, can you tell him?
Exactly this.

Have you discussed this with the parent and obtained permission to take the child?

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