Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

[whatafarce]

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

• Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

Ask her to come. But make sure there are presents under the tree for her.

I'd go and get her today - or tomorrow, and say you need help with DD, she's doing you a favour and she can go home on 27th.

I wouldn't even ask, I'd just show up and say "let us bring you home with us for the holidays, we really WANT you to come with us, it will make our Christmas, please come". I fear if you give her a choice she will decline, out of fear or loyalty or fear of being let down.

Make out she's doing you a favour because your DD loves her so much.

This isn’t a dilemma
And this isn’t your Christmas going to pot

This is welcoming a neglected lonely child In to your family Christmas

She attends everything with you.

And you make her feel as welcome and special and loved and included as possible

I'd ignore her saying she's not bothered as she's been conditioned not to make a fuss. She's probably told her dad that she doesn't want to go to for the same reason. Take her with you, no kid will not be bothered about getting a decent meal and some gifts on Christmas day.

And today OP

And get her TODAY

(And if you don’t, goodness… I’d love to have her over with my two primary aged kids!)

Just saw your update! As I suspected, she is probably putting up the defences in case you let her down too like her useless dad.

If she didn't want to come at all surely she would have said "I can't" or a flat no, but if she is claiming she's not bothered either way I'd take that as a yes and reply "great!! Then I'll be round at x time to get you, have your overnight bag packed!"

No 11yr old child should be alone at Christmas. I would just say you are with us, I’m so glad to have help with the baby etc.

I'm not sure if anyone has read my update but, I have told her she can be with us.

She ALWAYS has presents from us, birthdays and Xmas, she is never left out. So yes, she will have presents under the tree for her!

There is a HUGE backstory to this, her father is incredibly toxic and abusive so if you agree to have her it comes with an onslaught of abuse for the day and I do have a 16m DD to protect also. My parents have cut contact and my sibling has said she is not dealing with him this Christmas after the abuse he gave us all last year.

I still need to respond to people on here individually it's just a lot to deal with.

@Jumpingintochristmas

No 11yr old child should be alone at Christmas. I would just say you are with us, I’m so glad to have help with the baby etc.

Yes. I'd also be contacting social services again! It's definitely very abusive to leave her alone on Christmas day. I'd have to have her myself ...to live with me! Though I know not everyone could do that.

@Xiaoxiong is right.

Go & get her @whatafarce. The only possible reason not to is if you think her dad will take it out on her afterwards. If so, you get her anyway, explore a bit in a safe place & call Children’s Social Care again if you have concerns.

This is just so sad.

You're doing the right thing to include her. Poor little girl. That's such a tough age as they often put up a front. A bit of love and care will go a long way even if its trickier for you. ( yes Christmas is completely about love and family but I actually understand that this is something else for you to sort out at a busy time - you are being kind and lovely to sort things out for her. Shame on her useless parents.)

Just take her.

Your husbands family have said they are happy to have her so I'm sure they will be kind and welcoming. Wrap a small present for them to give to her.

I would imagine she wants you to push for her to come. Make her feel wanted.

And enjoy, your Christmas sounds great

OP one thing I was taught when training to look after neglected kids, is that cant be bothered, whatever, etc is a yes. She is saying yes.

Take her along and she her off to your family as if she were your own. It sounds like she won't have had many experiences of adults singing her praises so she'll probably love it(or pretend to be embarrassed but secretly love it).

I'd keep on reporting him to social services until theu bloody well take notice. How on earth can he be considered fit to raise a child? Is it really the state of affairs that this is considered adequate parenting? It makes my blood boil. I think you have been very kind as have your inlaws and I hope she has a lovely time with you all.

Is this even a question? Bring her. No brainer.

If neglected kids don't want to do something, they will say no. Half-hearted answers like hers are ALWAYS a yes. Please don't take this as a no. It isn't.

Sorry, OP, Mn is glitching for me. Did not see your update. Good for you.

I thought this was going to be a positive lat flow.

Invite her and don’t take no for an answer - poor child

@Twinkleylight Has the right of it, there have been many special occasions like this where we have ended up having her for days as he couldn't care less.

@MrsLargeEmbodied Her mum is in another country and has been since she was 6, it's her dad. He's off to his mates and she will be expected to sit there and be quiet whilst he does what he fancies. There will be no presents of Christmas food or engaging with her most likely.

@nwatty We have made many referrals over the years, as people know, emotional abuse takes years to prove/get evidence for, and every time I make a referral and he finds out it's us he stops her seeing us for weeks.

Definitely invite her, let everyone know she is coming and ask they get get a little present. It will be the highlight of your Christmas, it's what's it's all about.

Please get her. I was a neglected child and I used to feel it was somehow dysloyal to want to be elsewhere at Christmas.

Your plans have not gone to pot. To give a little perspective, I was supposed to be collecting my mother for Christmas today, but she died suddenly and unexpectedly at the weekend 😞

Check with your ILs, obviously, but surely anyone invite an 11 year old in these circumstances. If they're worried about having enough food, pop to the shops and get some extra pigs in blankets etc, to pad out the turkey.