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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas plans gone to pot...please help

166 replies

whatafarce · 23/12/2021 11:01

Posting here for traffic, and because Christmas is feeling like a stress and a crisis now.

So, the plans we had for Christmas were:

  • Me, DH and 16m DD go to my grandma in the AM, put on a little Christmas brekkie. We do this every year, she is housebound due to mobility and other health issues now so could not come to us really. Then layer, would go to DHs parents and have Christmas lunch. We also usually go to my parents and do Christmas tea but this year we aren't due to DDs bedtime/my parents are having to work this Christmas. We will see them all day Boxing Day with DD.

BUT- I have a young cousin, aged 11, who lives with a single parent who is generally useless and not very kind. There have been referrals to CS by myself due to emotional abuse by him. She has said to me that her parent has said that they are off to a mates house and she can come if she likes otherwise she will be at home on Christmas Day. Alone. With no presents most likely from him or a nice meal. (We have got her pressies and do every year for bdays and Xmas).

Her father is an arse and my family have tried over the years to help but he's toxic so contact has been cut after the farce of Xmas last year when he tried to ruin it - hence why my parents and siblings haven't included them in plans this year . But I am torn because it's heartbreaking she is having a shit Christmas and I'm not sure what to do. If she comes with us she will need to come to DH parents and won't know anyway and I don't want her feeling like a spare part.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 23/12/2021 11:43

I am sure your DH's parents would be delighted for another child to fuss over. If she were my cousin she wouldn't be going home to her Dad at all.

Who does this to a child?

BrutusMcDogface · 23/12/2021 11:43

Oh, poor girl. I wouldn’t think twice about having her with us for Christmas. What a sad existence she has. Sad

As an aside, I know you’ve contacted ss but how about also contacting her school? The more people aware of her situation, the better. Of course ss might have contacted the school already (not sure what level of support, if any, has been offered) but it really wouldn’t hurt for them to have more of a picture.

Twinkleylight · 23/12/2021 11:46

Absolutely take her with you and explain to your other family members why. I would also email her school's safeguarding lead after Christmas as well. Find out from your cousin which school she goes to but don't tell her why. Then after Christmas email them, they might already be aware but telling them the latest instalment will help. Also, call NSPCC to get some advice about her situation and what can be done about her neglectful father. What's the situation regarding her mother and her family? Are they on the scene?

oakleaffy · 23/12/2021 11:49

Poor Girl
Definitely invite her.
Up and down the land there will be children like this.
Do what you can to try to give her a slightly better day.

falalalalalalablahblah · 23/12/2021 11:50

Take her. Definitely.

LowlandLucky · 23/12/2021 11:51

I would be the her up Christmas Eve and taking her back on the 27th.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/12/2021 11:52

@supercritter

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know
Agree - take her with you.
garlictwist · 23/12/2021 11:54

I don't understand why you say your plans have gone to pot? You're just including an extra person. I don't see the big deal.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 11:54

i hope her dad is ok with this, can you tell him?

Aprilx · 23/12/2021 11:55

I have missed the part where the plans have gone to pot! Take her with you, how are you even debating this.

Unsuremover · 23/12/2021 11:57

I’ve been the hanger on at other peoples family Christmas (not as a child) and it’s been lovely. Everyone is in a good mood, there’s already food and drink. I’d say bring her, better to spend the whole day talking about what she likes a school and no cream for me, than sitting at home wondering when someone is coming home.

Squeezita · 23/12/2021 11:57

@supercritter

I think leaving a child in that situation is far worse than her being a bit awkward amongst kind people she doesn't know
I love it when the response to a thread nails it

I agree with this 💯

Twinkleylight · 23/12/2021 11:58

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i hope her dad is ok with this, can you tell him?
Her dad won't care whether she's alive or dead tbh. He's a neglectful parent.
Stade197 · 23/12/2021 11:58

I would definitley take her, im sure she would rather be around some people she doesnt k ow than be alone

Maybe try to make her feel involved by telling her DD would love her to help open pressies and play, or you would love her help looking after DD/preparing food/ organising gifts etc so she feels like she will be useful and needed

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 11:59

her mum is going to friends and surely the plan is really for her to go with her dm, someone is being awkward.
dont stir up trouble

Peridot1 · 23/12/2021 12:00

I couldn’t not include her in my Christmas plans. You KNOW she has a shit time with her father.

If her father will agree to it I would try and get her to come and stay for a few days over Christmas if you can.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2021 12:04

well it sounds as if she'd be a "spare part" if she tagged along with her father.
Check it's OK with DH parents, and if it is, take her with you - if not, stay at your home with her.

Beautiful3 · 23/12/2021 12:05

Take her with you. Wrap a few pressies. She'll have a wonderful day, thanks to you.

thelittlestrhino · 23/12/2021 12:05

@MrsLargeEmbodied

her mum is going to friends and surely the plan is really for her to go with her dm, someone is being awkward. dont stir up trouble
With multiple previous SS referrals, it's not bloody 'stirring up trouble'.

Her DAD has said he's happy to leave the child alone, and the OP clearly believes him, given previous behaviour.

OP please, please ignore this 'advice'.

Original poster
whatafarce · 23/12/2021 12:07

Hello all, I'm just going to read your posts and try and answer any questions.

As an update, I've offered her to come with me but she's said she's not bothered (I'm sure she is saying this so she can put up walls and not feel rejected either way). I've asked DH parents and they are happy to have her too.

Will add more shortly just about running errands now for last minute Xmas bits just in case.

OP posts:
angelaEhen · 23/12/2021 12:07

Please take her with you

UsernameInTheTown · 23/12/2021 12:08

Crisis? Because an 11 year old hasn't yet me her potential Christmas hosts? And you'd actually consider NOT taking her? OK then.

Georgeskitchen · 23/12/2021 12:09

Absolutely take her with you. Poor kid needs someone to look out for her xx

dancemom · 23/12/2021 12:10

Yes please ask her to spend the day with you, frame it as you needing help with your dd. That's such a sad situation.

nwatty · 23/12/2021 12:11

This is surely a no brainer?! You take her with you and call the police and say an 11 year old was left on her own whilst dad was at a mates party. Give her the love and affection she deserves at Christmas and have her overnight so she doesnt have to ruin a lovely day by going back to him.