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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 yrd old son can't tie shoelaces

286 replies

13yearslater · 23/12/2021 00:27

...Or tell the time on a normal clock.

He can barely ride a bike (bought him a lovely squishy bike three years but he's not interested)

He won't brush his teeth or shower without a fight.

He got 2 hundred quid in birthday money a month ago and has blown the lot on gaming games.

He steals from me.

OP posts:
Xx1d1xX · 23/12/2021 04:10

From what you have said, support/advice in some form is needed in your household. The fact that there is a conversation from both of you asking about/worried about/threatening SW involvement indicates a relationship problem for sure. Communication between you both is an issue. Whether this is because of something undiagnosed or parenting support needed is not clear. Has the school raised any issues. I think you should reach out to them in the first instance.

You as a parent need to put in place boundaries and routines in your house to ensure your child feels safe and secure. By guiding and teaching your child what to do and how to go about it. Brushing teeth for example is not a new task and should have been a routine that was introduced at a very early age. Have you implemented routines and kept to them so he mirrors the behaviours going on in the house.
For example - morning routine
Get up
Into toilet for shower/washing/brushing teeth
Breakfast Time
Clothes On
Off to school
Simple routine that he knows what is expected with tasks. Have them written down if you think there is an issue with his understanding and then you can be clearer if there is something bigger going on that needs GP intervention. Explain these an non negotiable and part of daily life. Sorry if this sounds condescending but my initial reading of this sees a parenting problem that can be resolved before things escalate.

Sit him down and calmly explain that the house needs some changes and both of your behaviours will be different moving forward. You need to take back some control as the parent and establish the routine and expectations in the house. If basic household rules can not be followed there should be no money or gaming. Simple as that. I'm sure if he is doing well at school and understands gaming so well he can manage teeth brushing and washing. He's exerting control where he shouldn't have a choice on these things.

You can search for support as a parent in establishing boundaries and parenting techniques. If you feel unable to cope you must access services before things get worse.

FixItUpChappie · 23/12/2021 04:41

I work for SS albeit not in the UK but I understand our systems are very similar.....SS investigates if parent are able and willing to protect their children's safety, security and wellbeing - they investigate parents around child abuse. If what your looking for is support services I would go seek information on community resources in your area first - parenting support, individual/family counselling, parent-teen mediation, youth groups/extra-curricular you can link him to etc. Definitely consult with the school about your concerns. Do you have natural supports who you could enlist to help you get him out and about?

Do you think he may have an addiction to video games? Does he spend unsupervised time on the internet? Access to pornography for example can have proven negative mental health effects for example. What is happening for him on social media? Most teens have "hooks" of some sort....explore his currency not just what he wants for stuff but are their experiences he would like to have? His currency can help you get him to professional supports. At this age your relationship is paramount, carrot and stick will work less and less so give that some thought too in terms of your own role in the dynamics.

Best of luck OP, teen years can be so tough Thanks

Borderterrierpuppy · 23/12/2021 05:12

Lots of people with sensory issues find teeth brushing very unpleasant, try oranurse toothpaste, it’s unflavoured.
He sounds very like my son who has ASD, life can improve hugely if you inform yourself and start parenting in a collaborative manner.
Being authoritarian will increase anxiety and push him further away.

CrumblyCrimble · 23/12/2021 05:13

Hope you have managed to drift off and get some sleep. You need to find help for him as PP have been saying and you also need help for you. Being a lone parent is hard. You sound a bit broken up.

If he has undiagnosed neuro/SEN this could run in family. I'm just spitballing here as I have nothing to base this on and I don't want to cause offence- but consider that your own upbringing may be affecting your reaction to difficult parenting situations, or you might have some processing challenges of your own.

Hope you find some help soon. Good luck

Sitchervice · 23/12/2021 05:16

Did he do these things when he was 7? Ie tie his own shoes, brush his teeth ect?

Social services won't just come take him away (like he thinks) and they are there to help you. They might be able to help you get an autism diagnosis and the proper support.

RedSnail · 23/12/2021 05:19

Sounds like he needs to be assessed for dyspraxia and ASD, I am in 30s and can’t tie shoelaces, can’t tell the time on a normal clock, and hate brushing my teeth, classic signs of dyspraxia

sleezeandwineparty · 23/12/2021 05:20

Sound like my sons who are autistic and have adhd. They are both very intelligent. Ignoring the suggestions he is neurodiverse won't make him any less so, if he is, it will just make his and your life harder. See your gp and ask for referral. Get social services involved anyway and the school as your are clearly struggling with him, social services will probably not be concerned. Ask the school for a referral to early help.

sleezeandwineparty · 23/12/2021 05:20

@CrumblyCrimble

Hope you have managed to drift off and get some sleep. You need to find help for him as PP have been saying and you also need help for you. Being a lone parent is hard. You sound a bit broken up.

If he has undiagnosed neuro/SEN this could run in family. I'm just spitballing here as I have nothing to base this on and I don't want to cause offence- but consider that your own upbringing may be affecting your reaction to difficult parenting situations, or you might have some processing challenges of your own.

Hope you find some help soon. Good luck

I thought the same.
Laika89 · 23/12/2021 05:25

I’m 31 and can’t really tell the time on a monologue clock, but I’ve lived in an age of digital clocks, so that is an utterly pointless skill now. I also have a degree so I don’t think telling time on a clock is really a sign someone is doomed. The other stuff is concerning though, how has he gotten through daily life without being able to tie his shoes? Has he always had Velcro or buckled ones?

Spending all his money on games is pretty normal though, and so is stealing from you (at that age). You’re the person who loves him most, in his mind you’ll never shop him to the police for it. It’s very disrespectful though.

Travelledtheworld · 23/12/2021 05:56

It's a difficult age and some of this is "normal" behaviour for a teenager, but he does sound as if he is on the Autistic spectrum and possibly has dyspraxia too. These conditions do not mean that he isn't "clever," but they affect the way he thinks and behaves. You need to speak to his school and also get a professional assessment.

Also spell, out the consequences of his actions. My teenage son couldn't be bothered to brush his teeth until his dentist spelled out the cost of dental treatment and all associated the oral health problems.

And you need to manage his screen time the best you can. And again spell out the consequences of gaming round th clock on health, relationships etc.

Christinatherabbit · 23/12/2021 06:04

My son is 23 and still can't tell time with 24 hour clock. He struggled with laces till he was about 19. We had problems with him and he's on the spectrum and has dyslexia. We got really late diagnosis with the former. Too late to do anything about it to help really (child verses adult services) Get help for him

Travelledtheworld · 23/12/2021 06:07

@13yearslater social services in the U.K. are stretched beyond breaking point. He will not be taken away and offered foster care just because he isn't getting his own way.
It's worth reading the Teenagers thread under "parenting" on Mumsnet for advice on communications and setting boundaries.
Good luck.

Prescottdanni123 · 23/12/2021 06:13

Are you sure he hasn't got dyspraxia? My friend's teenager has been diagnosed and has only just learnt how to tie shoe laces. They cannot ride a bike. Before they were diagnosed they struggled with emotions because they could tell that they were different from others and couldn't understand why they struggled with tasks that others found easy.

It takes a lot of dexterity to brush your teeth. If your son does have dyspraxia then he could be struggling with this. Another issue with dyspraxia is that it doesn't just cause a lack of fine motor skills. It can cause pain too. Which may also explain any mood swings.

SusieSusieSoo · 23/12/2021 06:19

Op my friend has a son who is autistic. School would never have suggested getting him assessed. Even she was shocked by how severe it is once he was diagnosed. He does really well at school but is incredibly black & white & has struggled with gross motor skills - riding a bike, tying shoe laces. I can imagine him saying some of the things your ds says. Not out if "badness" just because that's what he's thinking.

Really worth having a good read around & investigating. All his assessments were done privately initially - I think you really have to fight to get school/LA to fund.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 23/12/2021 06:29

@13yearslater

He hasn't got a learning difficulty. He's doing very well at school. He is obsessed with gaming. He'a bisexual. (He insists - and if I say anything gentlwe about this he gets angry)
How do you know he hasn't got a learning difficulty? It sounds as if he may have dyspraxia and sensory problems, at least.
LondonWolf · 23/12/2021 06:37

What an annoying thread. Quite clearly this teenager has some kind of additional needs, quite possibly multiple. My 18 year old can’t use a knife and fork, eats messily no matter how often reminded, avoids handwriting, only recently learned to confidently tie his shoelaces, needs to be prompted to bathe, is unable to tidy his room without assistance. He’s autistic, dyspraxic, hyper mobile and has sensory processing disorder.

Why won’t you engage properly with the thread OP instead of swiftly dismissing the possibility of learning difficulties?

Honeymint · 23/12/2021 06:45

I have to admit, although I was a straight-A student, nobody ever taught me to tie shoelaces. One day when I was about 12 I joked about it to a guy in a shoe shop and he showed me how to tie them with ‘bunny ears’. I still tie them that way and I’m 31.

And although I could tell time, I wasn’t great at it so I avoided it and got a digital clock. I can use a clock as well as anyone else now but at the time it was embarrassing.

Because I was doing so well in other areas, I was embarrassed about those two things.
Maybe he feels the same way?

The teeth brushing thing is a bit iffy though. I have no idea what to suggest. Maybe a trip to the dentist and they can drive home how important it is?

Honeymint · 23/12/2021 06:48

As a side note, when I was his age I also used to sulk and say I wanted to be adopted. If I was having a particularly bad argument with my mum, I’d sometimes escape out the back door and ‘run away’ for the day.
(My poor mum 😬)

If he wasn’t like this before it’s possible it’s just a teenage phase. Be gentle with him and let him know you’re there for him.

Roselilly36 · 23/12/2021 06:51

Is he dyslexic OP? Could explain why he can’t do these things, my DS is like things like this, he wears slip on shoes, digital watch or uses his phone to tell the time, makes life easier.

Yuledo · 23/12/2021 06:54

Do you back off when he threatens social services, lays on his bed and goes quiet? That may be a strategy that works.

He does sound troubled. Asking school for advice sounds a good starting point.

peaceatlastnot · 23/12/2021 06:59

Sounds like he could have sen but if he doesn’t and is just being spoilt then you need to have consequences. Regardless of whether it’s sen or down to being spoilt, you need support otherwise he is going to struggle through adult life and yours will continue to be miserable. Speak to school pastoral care and your gp asap

peaceatlastnot · 23/12/2021 07:01

Sorry, I don’t think I should’ve said that he’s been spoilt. I didn’t think it through. I mean if it’s down to your relationship rather than an sen. I didn’t put that across properly

Hemskis · 23/12/2021 07:02

I've got a very bright 13 year old with ASD. Teeth brushing, showers, brushing hair are all things she would rather avoid, mostly due to sensory issues but she also lacks an interest in hygiene.
She can't do shoe laces or ride a bike. We got her elastic shoe laces which makes life easier, also seamless socks!
It's really worth starting the process of seeing if your ds is neurodiverse. It's hard to feel different and less without knowing why.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 23/12/2021 07:03

@13yearslater

I can't tell anymore if he's giving me the shitty end of the shitty stick (to quote pp) or if it's a thing - like adhd. I think he just can't be bothered. To do anything. At all. Ever...that involves moving. I am sad for him. But I can't force him..he would telll his school
He doesn't yell. He goes silent. And says he wants to move out and can I find him a family to live with.

Tell him to crack on and find his own family to live with.

anotherbrewplease · 23/12/2021 07:05

Can I ask those who have dyspraxic and or autistic spectrum teens, exactly what kind of help they are able to access after receiving a diagnosis of these conditions? Thank you