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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 yrd old son can't tie shoelaces

286 replies

13yearslater · 23/12/2021 00:27

...Or tell the time on a normal clock.

He can barely ride a bike (bought him a lovely squishy bike three years but he's not interested)

He won't brush his teeth or shower without a fight.

He got 2 hundred quid in birthday money a month ago and has blown the lot on gaming games.

He steals from me.

OP posts:
Alysskea · 23/12/2021 01:36

This sounds like dyspraxia or autism, which can sometimes go hand in hand.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/12/2021 01:36

You cant possibly know he hasn't got additional needs unless he's been assessed and ruled out.

Its textbook symptoms what you describe. It has no bearing on intelligence. Could be ASD/ADHD/Dyspraxia etc.. ds has ADHD and sounds very similar

Kanaloa · 23/12/2021 01:36

[quote user1473878824]@Kanaloa Actually as you’ll see in a lot of the responses people are asking about SEN which doesn’t make him abnormal, and also some teenagers just give you the shitty end of the stick.

@13yearslater Okay but you know social services aren’t just going to find him another family to live with so it’s the same as if he told you to fly him to the moon. What do YOU want from this, why are you even mentioning social services as a “should I call” option?[/quote]
It’s still not a ‘welcome to teenagers’ situation as if op is complaining about ordinary but slightly irritating teenage behaviours such as being moody/rolling eyes or spending all their pocket money on cheap makeup and chips.

It’s rude and dismissive to act like op’s being unreasonable to be concerned about and nonplussed by this behaviour. And I also stated in my reply that I think he needs support for this behaviour as it isn’t within the realms of appropriate teenage behaviour.

Original poster
13yearslater · 23/12/2021 01:40

I can't tell anymore if he's giving me the shitty end of the shitty stick (to quote pp) or if it's a thing - like adhd.
I think he just can't be bothered. To do anything. At all. Ever...that involves moving.
I am sad for him. But I can't force him..he would telll his school

OP posts:
Helpstopthepain · 23/12/2021 01:41

Has he been tested for autism or dyspraxia? He sounds very much like one of mine.

It sounds like he is crying out for help. Help him.

Speak to the school Senco and your GP.

BlankTimes · 23/12/2021 01:46

You can't possibly know he hasn't got additional needs unless he's been assessed and ruled out.
Its textbook symptoms what you describe. It has no bearing on intelligence. Could be ASD/ADHD/Dyspraxia etc

Absolutely agree with this.

OP, please consider your son's difficulties are because he's neurodiverse. To help him, the first thing you need to do is see your GP and ask for a referral for your son to be assessed.

Have a look at these online resources and see if they seem familiar.

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/symptoms/

www.additudemag.com/symptom-checker/

Slabadabbadooby · 23/12/2021 01:46

I'd say get him off the games and off the internet or at least dramatically reduce how long he can spend on them. It won't be easy I know, but I know from experience if you don't sort these things out while they're younger you are likely to end up with very big problems when they're older.

Some of the things could be caused by something like dyspraxia as others have pointed out, but it's hard to tell from a thread and they could equally be caused by lazyitis.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/12/2021 01:48

(If this is real) If he can’t tie his shoes or read a clock he clearly needs a professional assessment for things like dyspraxia and autism. Why haven’t you sought help for him?

Kuachui · 23/12/2021 01:49

sorry but this sounds like a you problem not a him problem.

i think your the issue here.

he sounds like a normal teenager that cant do a few tasks. i am 28 and i also cant tell the time on a clock no matter how much someone tells me how... i just dont get it or i forget quickly.

nothing you have said makes me think hes unusual apart from stealing which obviously isnt good.

Original poster
13yearslater · 23/12/2021 01:52

He knows his rights: He knows that if he called social services they would get involved.

He knows that he deserves not to have his mobile or xbox removed from him (he considers this abusive)

He has no idea what any of it would involve.

I think he should learn.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 23/12/2021 01:53

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about telling his school - he needs support and they might even be a good way to access that support.

What do you think school will do if a teenager says ‘my mum took my Xbox because I stole money off her and refused to brush my teeth?’

I’m struggling to see if you think there’s something wrong here. I would say there obviously is but it seems like you’re not sure.

Original poster
13yearslater · 23/12/2021 01:56

Slabadabadooby:
Lazyitis.
I'm going to make toast and jam.
Then do the washing up.

OP posts:
liliainterfrutices · 23/12/2021 02:00

My 20 year old can’t tie shoelaces. He is quite severely dyspraxic. Dyspraxia doesn’t mean you can’t clean your teeth or be civil though.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/12/2021 02:06

@13yearslater

He knows his rights: He knows that if he called social services they would get involved.

He knows that he deserves not to have his mobile or xbox removed from him (he considers this abusive)

He has no idea what any of it would involve.

I think he should learn.

I’m sorry but what the fuck are you actually talking about?
Thankgoditsbedtyme · 23/12/2021 02:11

Are you drunk?

falalalalalalalallama · 23/12/2021 02:15

Why are you ignoring that he may have ADHD / dyspraxia / ASD or similar?

Just because he's doing well.at school doesn't mean he's not neuro diverse. My DS is on the spectrum, does well at school and was given the award for achievement in science last year meaning he was not only top of his class but top of the entire (large) year. Doesn't stop him having difficulties with supposedly simple practical things many people find easy.

Not being able to tie shoes sounds like dyspraxia and not brushing teeth sounds like ADHD.

Your refusal to even consider this is a worry.

Original poster
13yearslater · 23/12/2021 02:25

No. I'm not drunk.

I'm getting some good advice and I'm listening.

Many thanks to everyone who has posted. Being a lone parent is hard. x

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 23/12/2021 02:32

Still not sure what you mean about social services. Do you really believe that he will phone social services because he believes his rights mean you can’t remove his Xbox and they’ll care one jot? Surely when he says ‘you won’t be removing my Xbox that’s abusive I’ll phone social services’ you just say ‘okay well that’s the consequence for stealing. Do let me know what social services think.’

Passthebubbly · 23/12/2021 02:36

Op, please have him assessed. He sound exactly like my own 14 year old who has sensory processing disorder, add and dyspraxia along with teenage hormones. What has helped is him having the support he needs along with medication on school days that vastly helps his concentration. As a parent I know now how to best parent him and also where to get help with some of the things you have mentioned. Perhaps I am wrong but your son sounds just like mine with the issues he is having.

HarrietSchulenberg · 23/12/2021 02:37

Social services would possibly offer parenting support to you, probably through the early help framework. As you know, they won't be "rehoming" him from what you've told us and he really needs to understand that. Your local council should have a "local offer" web page detailing what support is available to you. It is probably searchable for specific term such as "parenting" or "SEN" - have a look and see what's there.

His school should be able to offer help in the form of referring for an ASD or ADHD assessment but there is probably a very long waiting list. Talk to the SENDCo there for more details, and describe as you've told us.

Good luck.

Bagamoyo1 · 23/12/2021 03:17

@MummyJasmin

Is this a joke thread OP?

I feel very sorry for him.

Why?
Emerald5hamrock · 23/12/2021 03:23

He doesn't need a LD is have dsypraxia or autism.
My DD 13 can't tie shoelaces, cycle a bike or read the clock she has ASD/DCD.
I hope you're okay it's not easy dealing with an angry teenager.
I'd visit an OT if you can afford too.

blubberball · 23/12/2021 03:36

Maybe refer yourself to early help, and they might be able to give support. Also, contact the school and let them know that you're struggling at home, the GP too. Sounds like you need support, and your concerns need investigating properly.

DaisyWaldron · 23/12/2021 03:47

I couldn't ride a bike until I was 12, or read an analogue clock until I was 15, and had obsessive interests. I did extremely well at school. In my case, it turned out to be ADHD, but I wasn't diagnosed until middle age. You sound as though you are at the end of your tether. It does sound as though your son is not neurotypical. . If you can get him assessed, a diagnosis would help you both, and hopefully give you tools to parent him in a way that will improve the relationship between you both, and help you feel less stressed.

One of the things that happened when I was diagnosed was that I felt a huge burden of shame slip away. I had spent my life feeling that I was lazy and selfish and thoughtless, and it was a huge thing to realise that I was trying my best in difficult circumstances, and that my problems weren't down to lack of trying. It sounds as though you could do with similar reassurance, that his problems aren't down to your lack of effort, but because you've been trying the parenting techniques that work for a neurotypical child, and which you've been taught are the right way if doing things, on a child who doesn't respond to them.

I'd start by talking to his school. They will probably be able to help him, but might also be able to point you in the direction of some support, too

PrincessNutella · 23/12/2021 03:48

You would not be unreasonable to get anyone or anything to help at this point. You need to set a fire under his butt because he does need those basic life skills.