14 yrd old son can't tie shoelaces

[13yearslater]

...Or tell the time on a normal clock.

He can barely ride a bike (bought him a lovely squishy bike three years but he's not interested)

He won't brush his teeth or shower without a fight.

He got 2 hundred quid in birthday money a month ago and has blown the lot on gaming games.

He steals from me.

You can be neurodiverse and still do well at school. Why is him being bisexual relevant here?

Has he got asd? Some of the things you describe match with my sibling who's a similar age and on the spectrum.

Umm, not sure what his sexuality has to do with his ability to tie his shoelaces and tell the time, but alright.

@13yearslater

He hasn't got a learning difficulty. He's doing very well at school. He is obsessed with gaming. He'a bisexual. (He insists - and if I say anything gentlwe about this he gets angry)

I'd make it clear to him that neither males nor females will be attracted to someone who neither showers nor brushes his teeth.

Nothing works with him. Sanctions, encouragements, praise, big talks...just nothing works. He does what he wants to do after a few days.

I take his mobile and xbox controls away...what else can I do? It's awful.

OP are you basically just trying to say he’s a difficult teenager? Because welcome to teenagers.

I am concerned that all these pretty normal sounding things make you want to call social services because you’re at your wits end which makes it sound like you want them to come and take him off you.

Sexuality is completely not relevant.
Blowing money is normal for 14 year olds.
So the issues are: basic hygiene and a seeming inability to tie laces/tell time on a clock? Does he have any other struggles in school etc

I don't understand what you are looking for OP.

Initially you seemed concerned about him not being able to ride a bike/tie shoelaces and reluctance to maintain personal hygiene. Now you just sound like you dislike him and are looking to be validated.

@LeopardPrintTits

Shouldn’t you have taught him how to do most of those things? And also taught him how to be financially responsible and not to steal?

YABU

Dear me that’s a judgmental and unhelpful response! Merry Christmas! 🙄

I have no idea if his sexuality has a relevance. I don't give a fig about him being bi.

Did he used to brush his teeth and just stop? We struggled with our boys wanting to shower around age 12 and 13 but by the time they were 14 they realize that they smelled and they needed to take a shower.

I think he sounds like he has SEN. Possibly Adhd (or ADD) and potentially dyspraxic.

Inability to tell time is common with adhd, as is being poor with money etc.

A lot of shame and low self esteem goes hand in hand with these things, which would explain why he's being so resistant to you.

If you can afford it, I would seek to have him privately assessed.

@user1473878824

OP are you basically just trying to say he’s a difficult teenager? Because welcome to teenagers.

I am concerned that all these pretty normal sounding things make you want to call social services because you’re at your wits end which makes it sound like you want them to come and take him off you.

He wants to leave. He wants me to call social services and find him somewhere else to live.

What do you say that is gentle about his sexuality?

What would you like to change specifically? What do you think the problem is?

I'm struggling to see what the specific aibu is or is this just a rant about your teenager? Because we all need to rant about our kids sometimes but perhaps this isn't the forum for it.

We've been here before a few months ago...it's like a threat now

@Chiwi

What do you say that is gentle about his sexuality?

What would you like to change specifically? What do you think the problem is?

I'm struggling to see what the specific aibu is or is this just a rant about your teenager? Because we all need to rant about our kids sometimes but perhaps this isn't the forum for it.

Thanks. I'll get the thread deleted.

My asd and adhd son 10 (11 in January) has only just learnt how to tie his shoelaces. The step by step process had too many instructions for him. We have scheduled 8 months for him to practise doing his tie for secondary school. He has huge issues with gaming and wanting to buy v bucks etc.. everyday is a battle. Have had your son assessed for additional needs?

@user1473878824

OP are you basically just trying to say he’s a difficult teenager? Because welcome to teenagers.

I am concerned that all these pretty normal sounding things make you want to call social services because you’re at your wits end which makes it sound like you want them to come and take him off you.

Erm none of these things are ‘normal’ or ‘welcome to teenagers’ territory in my opinion. Stealing from his mother, unable to complete fairly simple and age appropriate tasks and incapable of relatively normal self care sounds quite worrying to me.

Not sure how I’d go about it but I do think you need some support. I just don’t know how you’d get it - when they’re younger of course it’s easier but at his age if he refuses to engage I’m not sure how you could access the support.

Is this a joke thread OP?

I feel very sorry for him.

OP why are you ignoring PP's comments about neurodiversity? Any or all of autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder could be relevant here.

My eldest has v similar issues but is one of the brightest in his class. He's autistic without any learning disabilities.

*obsessed with gaming - intense autistic focus

*won't brush his teeth - sensory processing issues

*can't tie shoelaces or ride a bike - motor skills issues, dyspraxia / common with autism too

*spends money instantly - impulse control / executive functioning, autism / ADHD

*bisexual - I've seen it suggested that the autistic community has a far higher proportion of LGBTQ people than the general population (only in passing from autistic twitter, there may be more to it)

*14 - not much you can do about that except give it a few years

Is anyone else in your family quiet / focused / introverted / "quirky" or with similar sensory or motor skills issues?

Tbh if you're not even willing to consider there may be more to it than laziness i'm not surprised he's fed up.

@Kanaloa Actually as you’ll see in a lot of the responses people are asking about SEN which doesn’t make him abnormal, and also some teenagers just give you the shitty end of the stick.

@13yearslater Okay but you know social services aren’t just going to find him another family to live with so it’s the same as if he told you to fly him to the moon. What do YOU want from this, why are you even mentioning social services as a “should I call” option?

Tell him he's not getting any money unless he brushes his teeth. The rest - meh.

@steff13

Did he used to brush his teeth and just stop? We struggled with our boys wanting to shower around age 12 and 13 but by the time they were 14 they realize that they smelled and they needed to take a shower.

Ive always had to make him have a shower. He pretends to brush his teeth.

It's not the main thing.

Your answers are very short and sweet OP. Can't you go into more detail so posters can help you?

My DSS who is about to turn 13 had to constantly be reminded to brush his teeth and do it properly until recently and we’ve had to have several conversations with him about daily showers and then recently a couple of exasperated ones about not just standing under the water but actually washing his hair and using soap. It’s just pre-teen laziness rather than a massive problem. Do you have any friends with sons the same age? Can you speak to them about it and what they do? Are you actually worried if he’s depressed or unhappy or just having a vent?