14 yrd old son can't tie shoelaces

[13yearslater]

...Or tell the time on a normal clock.

He can barely ride a bike (bought him a lovely squishy bike three years but he's not interested)

He won't brush his teeth or shower without a fight.

He got 2 hundred quid in birthday money a month ago and has blown the lot on gaming games.

He steals from me.

@LondonWolf

I don’t understand you. Why are you so adamant that he’s just bad? The comparison with his terrible father - hope you never say that to him. You sound like you’ve completely given up on him and spend much of your time slagging him off to your mates. You’re doing it here - completely resistant to any alternative that isn’t him being a selfish, dirty, defiant thief. Where is your love and loyalty to your child? He’s only 14, it’s not like you’ve had decades of terrible behaviour to cope with. I’m a lone parent too. I know how hard it is. My son has multiple diagnoses, I get it, I do but I can’t imagine ever coming on social media to slag him off and rail to strangers about what a horrible person he is.

I haven't come on here to slag him off. I have tried everything I can think of.

For me? Personally? The outstanding things that I struggle to get over are:

1. His treatment of our dog - he would step over her to get his weetos if she was dead on the carpet. He has zero interest in animals.
2. His attitude towards money - the ease with which he has stolen it, the ease with which he blows it and the fact that he has no interest in saving or earning any money of his own. 'I'll get my birthday money and christmas money..'

3.His lack of interest in personal hygiene.

I am NOT slagging him off. I am stating facts.

There are so many informed posters identifying traits that suggest he does have a disorder such as AD, ADHD, ND, Dyspraxia, Aspergers. If my posts scream out these markers to them, there clearly is something wrong.

The fact that he apparently has all the signs of a disorder of some kind, is encouraging. It means he may well be NPD. Which is a label just as valid as AD, ADD, ADHD, Dyspraxia, ND.

I myself am AAC so not unused to trying to being labelled.

what is AAC? it does sound like your son is neurodiverse. it doesn’t change what is is, but can change how you react to some of these traits if you understand better that for him it’s not a choice.

@Kuachui

sorry but this sounds like a you problem not a him problem.

i think your the issue here.

he sounds like a normal teenager that cant do a few tasks. i am 28 and i also cant tell the time on a clock no matter how much someone tells me how... i just dont get it or i forget quickly.

nothing you have said makes me think hes unusual apart from stealing which obviously isnt good.

It's not normal for a nearly 30 year old to not be able to tell simple time unless there is a learning issue. It's not normal to be unable to do shoelaces, or refuse basic hygiene. People seem to excuse a lit of teenage behaviour nowadays, I'm not sure whether it's because their parents can't accept neurodiversity or are just too lazy to deal with poor behaviour.

@neveradullmoment99

Well my dd 14 lies about brushing her teeth and does everything yo avoid washing. She has shit personal hygiene. I think that's normal. My brother used to steel from my mum frequently as a teenager and would threaten wanting to leave a million times! To me, normal teenage behaviour. Not telling the time/ doing shoelaces are the concern. He should be able to. Maybe he does have an issue there. Teenage years are hideous.

None of that is normal! Christ sake .

If he can’t tie laces, tell the time or ride a bike at 14 there must be some issues. My son learned all of these at around age 6. I’d speak to the school initially. Does any of this make any sense?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia/

If he can’t tie laces, tell the time or ride a bike at 14 there must be some issues. My son learned all of these at around age 6. I’d speak to the school initially. Does any of this make any sense?
Has he issues with spacial awareness and does he hammer around on his feet.
My DD has dsypraxia and ASD she can't do those things either.

The fact that he apparently has all the signs of a disorder of some kind, is encouraging. It means he may well be NPD. Which is a label just as valid as AD, ADD, ADHD, Dyspraxia, ND.

And yet you’ve resisted these suggestions throughout, repeatedly asserting that it’s just bat behaviour and alluded to him being just like his horrible father. I’m glad you seem to be seriously considering the possibility of AN now. Better late than never.

And no, I don’t think it’s NPD at age 14! If you’re so insistent that it’s not related to any kind of spectrum condition 🙄 then the closest thing to personality disordered behaviour could be “conduct disorder” but from what you say I think that’s unlikely or if it’s possible then it’s likely developed as a result of lack of understanding of his additional needs in his earlier childhood. I’ve know multiple men who fit this profile.

But anyway I won’t reply on this thread again it’s just too sad and frustrating.

Sounds like dyspraxia to me. Except the stealing.

Sounds like dyspraxia to me. Although a 14 year old spending money on games sounds pretty typical to me

I bet he's lucky with the ladies

Everything you post screams undiagnosed SEN/MH at me. Honestly the fact that he is doing well at school is meaningless - my DD2 has just been diagnosed with autism at age 18 and at school she was a stellar performer, with on the face of it excellent social skills too. All the time she was struggling like hell and she ended up with depression and anxiety. Things are much better now that she has a diagnosis and support. You will have to work hard to get that for your DS, but he needs it.

Take the gAmes away till he showers and does what he needs to do. Come down hard on him

@13yearslater PLEASE PLEASE consider getting him assessed for dyspraxia.

My DS 19 has a diagnosis and is very academic, he did well in school, and is now in university studying Computer Science. It is a very individual condition that does not affect intelligence. The severity of the condition can vary massively from person to person.

DS can debate politics on a high level with someone for hours but still struggles to tie his laces (he gets cross as if we are out I offer to tie them as I'm so used to it )

He avoids analogue clocks as much as possible as it is a struggle but if he really focuses he can decipher them - that is how he describes it deciphering.

He can't ride a bike/scooter or use equipment that require balance or honed motor skills.

Toothbrushing was a battle for many year as his intrinsic grip was so week it was very challenging. He also detests the powerful taste of mint toothpaste and the vibrations of an electric tooth brush. After poor dental hygiene as a teenager caused numerous fillings he is now able to realise how important it is. Showering was a lazy teenage issue and now he showers everyday.

Intrinsic grip was a big issue for DS and he struggled with handwriting so having an actual diagnosis really helped him as he was given access to a laptop for extended writing in school and exams.

My son has always been obsessed with gaming, add this to dyspraxia which can often have poor impulse control and adolescence can make it difficult to make sensible decisions regarding spending. DS when younger also blew all his birthday money on games via steam but understood when the money was gone it was gone.

As for the stealing that is out and out wrong and consequences of course need to happen. I had one occasion of my Paypal being linked to a game and DS bought add ons without my permission. I was firm in my response and he had to pay me back out of his pocket money and was also banned of his computer for a while. It never happened again.

Here is a link to some of the challenges young adult people with dyspraxia can face. Some may have just a few symptoms some may have many. My DS for example has never had any difficulties with speech but has co-ordination issues.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/151951#diagnosis_adults

*weak

My nephew was a bit like your son, OP, as a teenager. He was later diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia (or maybe it wasn't dyslexia but something similar).

I suggest you try to get a full psychological assessment for him.

An assessment can help enormously in getting help. A dentist or hygienist being judgemental of you or ds won’t help anything, but when these problems are correctly framed as a sensory issue you can get help with it. An Occupational Therapist or Speech therapist could help assess what type of brush to use, help him learn correct technique (if he can’t coordinate laces he may struggle with this), recommend other flavours of paste etc.

Ditto with showering. I’m having issues with my asd ds too - he hates the way his skin feels different after a shower. Gaming could be a great reinforcer for this but you might need to build up to a full shower if there are sensory problems, and again a behaviour therapist or occupational therapist can help.

You sound like a dm who is trying hard but needs more support.

He was in the shower like a shot earlier. Brushed his teeth without any resistance. He's suddenly handy at helping with a few jobs needing doing before we set off for a long drive in the morning. He did a covid test without moaning.

All because... he knew he was getting his christmas presents tonight for the first time instead of tomorrow morning.

It was so bloody peaceful and nice. Shame his autism will kick in again once he's opened his stocking and he feels his me-party is over.

Shame his autism will kick in again once he's opened his stocking and he feels his me-party is over
WTAF?!.

@13yearslater

I have no idea if his sexuality has a relevance. I don't give a fig about him being bi.

How does he knows he's bisexual? Has he had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Tell him no one of either sex will go near him if he doesn't brush his teeth

@Gilead

Shame his autism will kick in again once he's opened his stocking and he feels his me-party is over WTAF?!.

What do you expect? He sounds like your average entitled teen, but oh no, he must be autistic 🙄

He sounds like your average entitled teen

Your average entitled teen does not have difficulty tying his shoelaces, or reading a clock.

The preoccupation with gaming, maybe.

I think it is likely mix of some form of SN mixed with teenager.
The teenager bit will be made 'worse' by having undiagnosed SN and therefore being nagged about things he finds really hard.

Dyspraxia… with possible ASD alongside is my guess. You need to do him the favour of his life and get him to the GP ASAP and try and enforce a routine. (Speaking from experience). Say it exactly how it is (unless he is sat next to you). He needs support and the anger will probably be coming from the lack of help with these issues.

* Shame his autism will kick in again once he's opened his stocking and he feels his me-party is over.*

OP I empathise with your situation- I really do. But this isn’t fair.