14 yrd old son can't tie shoelaces

[13yearslater]

...Or tell the time on a normal clock.

He can barely ride a bike (bought him a lovely squishy bike three years but he's not interested)

He won't brush his teeth or shower without a fight.

He got 2 hundred quid in birthday money a month ago and has blown the lot on gaming games.

He steals from me.

Sounds a lot like my 13 year old. We tried for years to teach him how to ride a bicycle and tie his shoes with no progress whatsoever. He loves gaming, and little else.

And he's recently been diagnosed with an ASD and ADHD. 🤷‍♀️

Well that was an interesting christmas.

Re-reading this thread I am shocked by the number of people who immediately diagnose adhd, dyspraxia, autism, neurodiversity. And eho have slated me for not taking the advice seriously.

Those who have genuine experience, I take my hat off to you for pursuing the correct diagnosis and having the patience to make allowances for your childrens challenges.

I feel villified for posting out loud that my lad can't tie shoelaces, tell the time or ride a bike. I need to edit that really: He can ride a bike, but can't be bothered He can tie a shoe lace but would rather not. He can tell the time on a clockface but he uses his mobile (like many others of his generation I now know thanks to the twenty-somethings that have posted) or he asks his echo.

What has been helpful this christmas, is that we have spent three days away from the hot-house atmosphere of just he and I.
We stayed with long-standing friends who have known him his since he was a baby. They haven't seen him for two years because of covid. She is a senior social worker in child services.

She described him as a spoilt little shit.
I tend to agree and will have to do something about it.

You must be a throughly shit parent to have raised such a child then.

With respect to your friend being a senior social worker does not qualify her to diagnose.
I have no idea if your son has a diagnosable condition. I'm not qualified to assess and diagnose.
But I will make this suggestion to you. Spend some time thinking about why certain things bother you so much. The three things you highlighted that he couldn't do, you now say he can.
Why does it matter to you so much to you that he doesn't want to ride a bike?
Why does it matter to you that he uses his mobile to tell the time. I'm 56 and haven't worn a watch for several years.
What is the issue with the shoelaces.
It seems to me that these are more about you than him. How do these things impact on you, are shoelaces worth ruining your relationship over?
My son has autism and a learning difficulty, I have lots of friends in the same situation. Our children are all different but one thing we have all learnt is that you have to work out what are your issues and what are the child's issues

@LondonWolf

You must be a throughly shit parent to have raised such a child then.

I agree.

Look @13yearslater your not going to be the first mama that has found your parenting techniques have not worked. Your son is 14 and you probably can claw some of this back by bringing out the iron fist. Your not perfect but then no one is perfect. I'm sure there are some parenting books that will beable to help you.

There's no point punishing yourself because you can't change your past just your self and therefore your future.

Sounds like there’s something wrong with him

Are you not even going to pursue help for him OP? My daughter presents as can’t be arsed… it’s a bravado thing and a way of masking. She massively struggles and reacts in a normal way for a tween aged kid.

I think your attitude towards him at the moment is horrible- there you go, I’m being blunt. Get him to the GP at least before he becomes an angry young man and completely disaffected. It’ll cost you nothing but your time.

I’m surprised you put the dog issue as no1. I don’t like dogs and other people looked after ours growing up. I’m perfectly nice. Some people jus don’t like dogs.

First he couldn’t tell the time or tie his shoelaces and you asked him to learn on YouTube but he resisted. Now he can do both things but resists? Has he done these things well since you first posted?

Maybe he’s got Additional needs or maybe he’s not received the parenting he needs. Either way, you’re his safe place so will receive the worst of his emotions.
Speak to the GP, school, etc. I’m afraid, it’ll take quite a while to get any answers. If you can afford to, go private.
Good luck, it must be so hard but at 14, it’s not too late. You can do something about it.

How about taking his Xbox everyday until he’s showered/brushed his teeth? Not showing for 7 sounds really gross, sorry.

He WONT do shoelaces. There's a difference. He is very dexterous on his iphone and xbox after all.

Sometimes people with co-ordination difficulties can be much better at some skills than at others, depending on exactly which muscles are involved. I have big problems with wrist control, especially with my left hand; but my fingers are not affected in the same way. So I have no problems with using a keyboard; but took a very long time to learn to tie my shoelaces (I think it was before I was 14, though); and was always terrible with handwriting.

Even if he won't tie his shoelaces, it means that this task takes much more time and concentration (which maybe he doesn't want to spend on it) than it does for most teenagers. For most teenagers, tying shoelaces would be something just done automatically without thinking.

Coming from someone who personally has Asd, ADHD and dyspraxia this sounds exactly like me at 14.. I was never doing any of those things to be difficult or spiteful.. they where a general struggle to me and honestly still are.. don't give up on him please.. take him to the gp and discuss what you have here with them.. they'll be the best people to arrange the right support x