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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 22/12/2021 23:38

At 23 and 26? No way

NanFlanders · 22/12/2021 23:38

Why do you want them to sleep in separate beds? Are you opposed to sex outside marriage for religious reasons? If they were married, would you be okay with them sharing a bed?

Theimpossiblegirl · 22/12/2021 23:38

I would let them share a room if they are in a serious enough relationship to be spending Christmas with family.

BestZebbie · 22/12/2021 23:39

I'd say split them up if not doing so will actually upset your DD about unfairness/special treatment, in particular if they have been an item for less time than she was with her bf at the time.....but otherwise, tbh what is the point?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 22/12/2021 23:40

What does making them sleep in separate rooms actually achieve other than making them feel like they’re about 15? They’re an adult couple. Ridiculous.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 22/12/2021 23:40

It’s your house so really you can do whatever you like.

However I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time. Is it because your husband doesn’t like the thought of them having sex in your house? I presume not as you’d let them share if they were married and as far as I’m aware married people still have sex.

DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 22/12/2021 23:41

Of course you can decide in your own home but, honestly (and gently), I think YABVU.

What if they never marry? Will they never be allowed to share a room? I’ve been with my DP for 11 years and we have a child but are unmarried and always will be - should my parents continue to make us sleep separately when we stay?

They are adults, yeeeears past the age of consent, and in a reasonably committed relationship. I highly doubt they will be getting up to anything much in there over Christmas with you guys listening with a glass at the wall but even if they are, honestly, who cares?

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/12/2021 23:41

I think it would be ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/12/2021 23:41

I think it’s fair enough, to be honest. My parents knew I was having sex with my boyfriend in my late teens/early twenties but it was very much “not under our roof”, and that’s their choice. If you made your daughter sleep separately from her boyfriend then I’d say you have to treat your son the same.

CandyCane17 · 22/12/2021 23:42

23 & 26?! Definitely being unreasonable IMO.

AlligatorDentist · 22/12/2021 23:43

My father did this. I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) in a different city and dad insisted that we had separate rooms when we visited.

So we just heavily curtailed our visits.

StoneofDestiny · 22/12/2021 23:43

That's treating grown men like children. What will you achieve by this? At what age can can couples sleep together in your home?

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 22/12/2021 23:44

My parents method was if the relationship was over 6 months then bed could be shared under their roof.

This meant when I first took dh home (I still lived with my parents at this point, he had his own place) he slept in the spare room, but db lives abroad, so when he bought his gf home to meet our parents, they shared a bed even though it was her first visit to their home, they'd been together almost a year.
Initially I was a bit put out, because it seemed double standards, but they'd always been vert clear with us as teens, 6 months was the minimum (no idea why 6 months was the cut off mind you)

KeepApart · 22/12/2021 23:45

They are 23 and 26! Sorry its complete madness! They have obviously share a bed regularly because they are couple, and some pretence of 'waiting till marriage' when they arent is bizarre

Your problem was your rules with your adult daughter, but I think you just need to apologise to her and move on. You can't keep your increasingly older adult children in separate beds because of something you did when your DD was 21.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 23:45

YABVU they are grown adults.

Chloemol · 22/12/2021 23:47

Your house, your rules

KilmordenCastle · 22/12/2021 23:47

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here. It was also ridiculous to make your dd's bf sleep in a separate room when she was 21. YABVU

BlackCatz · 22/12/2021 23:47

23 and 26?

That is ridiculous.

Just10moreminutesplease · 22/12/2021 23:47

I think YABU. Obviously you can do whatever you want in your own home…But they are both adults.

If your daughter complains, couldn’t you just apologise for making her and her partner sleep in different rooms?

PotatoOfTheNight · 22/12/2021 23:48

It's your house, your rules of course, but it does seem a bit pointless really, and could make your guests seem more uncomfortable than you presumably would like to?

And as for it not being fair on your DD- come on, would anyone really moan about that? In my family we'd have a jokey 'it's not fair, you made ME yada yada' and that would be it.

AlligatorDentist · 22/12/2021 23:48

Also, it’s very weird that your husband is trying to control your daughter’s sex life.
Ick.

I take it both you and your husband were virgins when you wed? The world has moved on.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 22/12/2021 23:48

If you want them to keep coming to visit I wouldn’t. It’s not your business what consenting adults do when you’re not there.

NoNameHere12 · 22/12/2021 23:49

You made your 21 year old daughters boyfriend sleep in a separate room! That’s unfair! So I suppose you have to be unfair here too really, otherwise that can very easily be seen as favourites.

Does your 21 year old live with you still? If not does she visit with her boyfriend regularly, or not so much?

KeepApart · 22/12/2021 23:49

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese but that sounds like rules for teens, which is different

At 23 it is up to the DS whether he choses to share a bed with his partner or not. It's not up to his parents, you can't impose rules of waiting 6 months on adults. He clearly frequently shares a bed with him and so it's bizarre to pretend he doesn't when he's at his parents house.

KeepApart · 22/12/2021 23:51

Your house your rules applies to teenagers, not guests. Would you make other unmarried adult couples sleep in separate beds?