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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
needmoreshinys · 23/12/2021 00:10

@DoloresOnTheDottedLine

Of course you can decide in your own home but, honestly (and gently), I think YABVU.

What if they never marry? Will they never be allowed to share a room? I’ve been with my DP for 11 years and we have a child but are unmarried and always will be - should my parents continue to make us sleep separately when we stay?

They are adults, yeeeears past the age of consent, and in a reasonably committed relationship. I highly doubt they will be getting up to anything much in there over Christmas with you guys listening with a glass at the wall but even if they are, honestly, who cares?

Just on this, when I first met DPs gran, we stayed at her house, as they lived so far away, she made us stay in seperate rooms.

I was 30 he was 31 and we had bought up our 6 (maybe 7) month old son, so her great grandson for her to met.

I think it was because we were not married .

Vivi0 · 23/12/2021 00:10

I think that is really weird.

If I were your son, I don’t think I would even come for Christmas. I wouldn’t be prepared to allow my parents to embarrass me like that in front of my partner.

Seems like such a controlling thing to do.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 00:10

I think they'd be more comfortable in a Travelodge than your home.

Don't be surprised if they swerve your invitation.

grapewine · 23/12/2021 00:11

In their place I'd book a hotel before letting my parents make me feel like a child. They're grown men. It's ridiculous. So was making your adult sleep separately from her boyfriend.

TheOneWithTwoParties · 23/12/2021 00:12

God my in-laws did this, even though my partner and I lived together. It was mad. And pointless because no way in hell would I have had sex in their house anyway. The thought of being heard was too awful. It just meant they had more bedding to wash.

AgathaAllAlong · 23/12/2021 00:16

I find these rules weird past the teenage years. When it's an established relationship and they're visiting from elsewhere, why not?

Ohyesiam · 23/12/2021 00:16

A big part of being a parent is to work yourself out of a Job. Bringing someone up means facilitating them turning into an adult. You’ve done that, your son is now an adult, so you need to treat him as one.

tillyandmilly · 23/12/2021 00:17

When I was 23 I stayed over at my boyfriend’s parents house - but I had to sleep in the spare room!

Beachbreak2411 · 23/12/2021 00:18

If you have space .. yes make them sleep apart. It’s your home and do what you are comfortable with. You’ve met the partner once. It’s your choice!

HarrisonStickle · 23/12/2021 00:21

What is the cut off age OP?

Or is your husband thinking of making your children sleep apart from their partners in their 40s and 50s?

Somebodylikeyew · 23/12/2021 00:21

I’m a bit speechless actually.
Are you… religious? Homophobic? I’m trying to work out what drivers could make you think this was a reasonable way to treat two adults.

If you’re going to do it please tell them in advance so they can decide whether or not they would still want to come. Cos honestly, I wouldn’t want to stay somewhere that disapproved of my choices like that.

tensmum1964 · 23/12/2021 00:22

@DoloresOnTheDottedLine

Of course you can decide in your own home but, honestly (and gently), I think YABVU.

What if they never marry? Will they never be allowed to share a room? I’ve been with my DP for 11 years and we have a child but are unmarried and always will be - should my parents continue to make us sleep separately when we stay?

They are adults, yeeeears past the age of consent, and in a reasonably committed relationship. I highly doubt they will be getting up to anything much in there over Christmas with you guys listening with a glass at the wall but even if they are, honestly, who cares?

Exactly, have been with my partner for 23 yrs and not married Smile
Uninterested · 23/12/2021 00:22

I was happy for my kids to share with their boyfriends or girlfriend from a young age as long as they were in reasonably long term relationships however if you have genuine religious or moral objections to people having sex before they are married then it is your house and, ultimately, it’s up to you. If it’s just because you feel awkward or embarrassed that they might have sex in your house then you need to get over it.
If you aren’t going to let them then you run the risk of them not visiting and of them thinking you are homophobic.

RowsOfHolly · 23/12/2021 00:23

Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today

What on earth does this have to do with your parents?

Behaving ridiculously to make it equal and fair to the ridiculous rules imposed on your Dd is also batshit.

Tell her you got it wrong and you are sorry.

AuntyBumBum · 23/12/2021 00:24

@Chloemol

Your house, your rules
You're bonkers
Raaaaaaarr · 23/12/2021 00:24

No don't. I had an ex boyfriend that I lived with and his parents always tried to get us in separate rooms at their house (religious reasons). It always made me feel uncomfortable as much as I adored his family.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 23/12/2021 00:25

I don't find it weird. I think it partly depends on the arrangement of your house. My DPs still live in the house we grew up in, and we all still have our own rooms there (we've all lived there post-university for periods depending on jobs etc). Our rooms are all fairly small with single beds, and the spare room is usually made up as a single too (it's a single bed with a pullout to turn it into a double, but there isn't much floor space if you do). Boyfriends/girlfriends have always gone in the spare where they can put clothes in drawers and have a bit more space. In fact, my DSis and her DH still sleep separately when they stay!

If your DS has a double bed then it is a bit different though.

Thinking about it, if we didn't live together I've always slept in a separate room, or had a separate bed in his room, at boyfriend's parents' houses when visiting.

grapewine · 23/12/2021 00:25

I'm also interested to know what the cutoff age is. It's your choice, true. It's also their choice if they decide not to visit under such conditions. I guess the question is what's more important to you and your husband.

Minorissue · 23/12/2021 00:28

My now MIL made me sleep in a different room despite being living with or engaged to her DS for years up until our early 30’s. I always took it as her making a point that we were living ‘in sin’ together and that she was trying to correct it or make a point of it. It’s also infantilising as pp’s have said.

BlackCatz · 23/12/2021 00:29

Couples can forgo sex for a few nights when staying with relatives surely

It's not all about sex, though. I just wouldn't want to sleep in separate beds when there's literally no reason to. It's weird.

iklboodolphrednosedpaindear · 23/12/2021 00:29

FIL tried to make us sleep in separate rooms. We'd been married 7 years and DS was 6. Thankfully his wife told him he was being a dick.

You're being unreasonable. They're not 16/17.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 00:31

I think this making your adult dc sleep apart from their parents in your house should stop now.

I mean, yes you have the right to make any sleeping arrangements you choose in your home, but it doesn’t make any sense. As others have said what if they never marry? Or if it’s an age thing, what’s the cut off?

Allow your Ds to stay in the same room with his boyfriend now, and then next time dd’s boyfriend comes to stay they can do the same.

(I remember my parents used to have this rule when we were in our late teens/ early 20s. They caught my younger brother sneaking about to his girlfriend’s room when they were about 18/19, so after that gave it all up as a bad job!)

Blossom64265 · 23/12/2021 00:31

23 is very different than 21. Presumably your dd has finished education and fully entered adulthood or if still in education is an adult pursuing an advanced degree.

You also can’t discount the pregnancy factor. You don’t have to worry about that here. If your 21 yo was in a same sex relationship, it would be harder to defend the difference, but 21 to 23 is still a big change in independence.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 00:33

I also had a friend who’s ILs made her and her husband sleep in different rooms when they’d had their civil wedding but not yet the church part (a different jurisdiction)! Absolutely nuts!

BashfulClam · 23/12/2021 00:34

I always found this odd that a colleague of mine was forced to sleep separately from her DP. They had 2 children together.

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