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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/12/2021 01:13

Making them sleep in separate beds isn't going to stop them doing it. Trust me they'll find a way.

Topseyt · 23/12/2021 01:15

Well, your house, your rules and all of that.

That doesn't mean though that those rules are not utterly bonkers, futile and ridiculous. At worst you and your DH could be seen as homophobic here, and surely that isn't what you want!

I'd let them share. What on earth do you think is going to be achieved by putting them in separate rooms? Same for your DD and her boyfriend. Tell them that you have reconsidered and realised that your original stance was ridiculous.

This is honestly something my parents would have done despite knowing that DH (then still my boyfriend) and I had our own place in London. Apparently we could be unmarried and sharing a bed in London but not in the Midlands where they lived. I was 25 and my now DH was 28. It was batshit, and driven by my Dad being extremely prim and proper.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/12/2021 01:15

@Motherdare

DH and I slept in separate beds (separate rooms) in my parents’ house until we were married. There are very lovely people but it was done out of respect. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Couples can forgo sex for a few nights when staying with relatives surely.

Couples can share a bed without having sex. And the idea that they need to be kept apart to stop them from shagging when they are grown adults is just weird.

AuntyBumBum · 23/12/2021 01:15

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Making them sleep in separate beds isn't going to stop them doing it. Trust me they'll find a way.

I'd be going out of my way to do it on the dining room table when no one was looking if you were my parents

Lentil63 · 23/12/2021 01:20

What do you hope to achieve?
Your son and his partner are adults, it would not be reasonable in my opinion to treat them like children.

GreenClock · 23/12/2021 01:21

Be careful. The wrong decision could result in fewer visits from your son in future and a more emotionally distant relationship.

GrandmasCat · 23/12/2021 01:26

I always shared as bed when I stayed at the ILs, from the very beginning and I can assure you nothing happened… we could hardly breath without the bloody old bed making a lot of noise!

Lou98 · 23/12/2021 01:27

Honestly, as others have said it's your house so you can do what you want but I wouldn't be expecting them to visit often if that's what you choose to do.

They're adults! I'm 23 and my partner 30 - no way would I be sleeping separate from him unless it was for reasons such as bed space etc. I wouldn't be treated as a child by my mum and stepdad when I don't live in their house anymore. Luckily they respect that DP and I are adults.

Fwiw - we never have sex when staying at others houses, we're generally never more than a few days so we just wait until we're home. Them sharing a bed doesn't necessarily mean they'll be having sex

Jacketpotato84 · 23/12/2021 01:46

I think you need to find out why your husband doesn't want them to sleep together are you ok with it?

Jane335 · 23/12/2021 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snozzlemaid · 23/12/2021 02:10

If you want them to fell comfortable and accepted in your home then let them sleep together.
If you don't want them to stay with you again make them sleep separately.

SantasOnHisWay · 23/12/2021 02:22

I'm embarrassed for you, how awkward that you are even thinking of suggesting this!! They are hardly going to have a wild night of passion with the mother and father in law next door! Plus I suspect even if you wanted them to sleep in different rooms they'll be sneaking into the same room anyway, so pretty pointless!!

Wiredforsound · 23/12/2021 02:22

Why? What does he think will happen? Is he worried your son will end up pregnant?

TokyoTen · 23/12/2021 02:26

I have two 20 yo DC, one is gay. No way would I make them sleep in separate beds. It's different if they bring home a different person each week but not if they are in a relationship

YukoandHiro · 23/12/2021 02:30

Please don't do this. My parents did it until I was 26 and had bought my own flat, then obviously realised given my next BF (that they actually met) after that point stayed round there half the week it was quite ridiculous. BF is now DH incidentally.

Fgs they're not going to be banging while visiting for Xmas. Just treat them with respect.

SD1978 · 23/12/2021 02:42

My parents have done this- seperate rooms for unmarried adult couples. It's their house, their rules, and I respected that. You have and continue I assume, to do the same with your daughter? If that's your rules, then they should respect that. If it's not something they are comfortable with, then they can stay elsewhere and visit during the day. Whether others u ded stand it ir not, it's about your house, your rules, and everyone is a choice regarding abiding by them.

EvilShmeevil · 23/12/2021 02:43

Are you worried he'll get pregnant?

DropYourSword · 23/12/2021 02:50

I don’t even get the argument about it’s because you made DD do it when she was 21.
He’s not 21. He’s 23. It’s not even hypocritical. It’s just kind of absurd to keep a 23 year old and a 26 year old in seperate bedrooms. Weird, puritanical nonsense.

logsonlogsoff · 23/12/2021 02:56

They’re adults, and as they’re both men will getting married make any difference
If it’s a religious issue you have? You know they won’t be married in a church in the UK?
All this will do is insure you see less of your DS, they aren’t going to want to visit you if they’re out in separate rooms like teenagers…

BookFiend4Life · 23/12/2021 02:56

Yabu they are full adults, they may not wish to spend Christmas with you going forward if you insist on making it uncomfortable for them. What do your parents have to do with it?

5zeds · 23/12/2021 02:59

I honestly don’t think it will kill them not to sleep in the same room, but you know your own family best. I’d ask them what they want to do.

Jumpingintochristmas · 23/12/2021 03:00

I suggest you tell your son the sleeping arrangements in advance, he might choose to have Christmas elsewhere. I wouldn’t blame him.

ShippingNews · 23/12/2021 03:04

@Lentil63

What do you hope to achieve? Your son and his partner are adults, it would not be reasonable in my opinion to treat them like children.

This. It's as if you think they are raging sex maniacs who will be shagging constantly unless you put a stop to it . My parents did this to my sister when she and her boyfriend were in their late 40's - ridiculous ! As Dsis said to me, " we probably wouldn't have had sex anyway, but now that the parents have been so silly about it, we definitely will !"

buddythemum · 23/12/2021 03:12

What if they never get married. Is there an age or will suddenly be ok 😮

colourfulpuddles · 23/12/2021 03:40

Don’t be so silly.

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