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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 22/12/2021 23:51

Could you explain why? Are you offended? Do you believe they should be married or, what would be your marker for permitting them to share a room.

I ask because I'm baffled.

CoedenNadolig · 22/12/2021 23:51

I mean not like your son or his partner are going to get pregnant. I think that's what all the seperate bed things is about with daughters and hetero couples but still at 21 that was a bit off. They are young adults.

I think once any child reaches 18 and are a adult you sorta just have to accept their decisions as long as it's not consuming 2ltrs of vodka a day, crack cocaine and shoplifting.

traka · 22/12/2021 23:52

Sounds like somebody can't accept that their children have grown up

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 22/12/2021 23:52

At their ages🤣

HideousKinky · 22/12/2021 23:52

It is beyond weird to try to exert control in this way over another adult's sex life

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 22/12/2021 23:53

@KeepApart sorry, I was 21 when I met dh so definitely an adult. I thought I'd put that in 🤦‍♀️

I imagine you're correct and it was a rule for teens, as it was implemented when I started bringing boyfriends home, in my late teens.

StampOnTheGround · 22/12/2021 23:53

That would be so strange

millymae · 22/12/2021 23:54

Sorry OP I think YABU - if only for the reason that when they’ve gone you’ll have two beds to change instead of one.
If you’ve met him already it must be a longish term relationship. If it were me I’d be happy for them to share a room.That said I suppose I am a product of my upbringing. My parents were quite permissive in their views and whilst they certainly wouldn’t have let any of us bring anyone home for a one night standard there was never issue when we fell into a settled relationship. All of us were younger than your son when we were allowed to share a room with our partners

Earlydancing · 22/12/2021 23:55

It's up to you. I was in my 30s and I slept separately to my boyfriend. My parents didn't feel comfortable about us being together so we weren't. Not a big deal.

Helpstopthepain · 22/12/2021 23:55

Why?

christmaskittenincoming · 22/12/2021 23:56

It's up to you. I was in my 30s and I slept separately to my boyfriend. My parents didn't feel comfortable about us being together so we weren't. Not a big deal.

This has to be made up

BlackCatz · 22/12/2021 23:57

If you want them to keep coming to visit I wouldn’t

This was one of the reasons I ended things with an ex when I was younger! I felt like a silly Jane Austen character when saying goodnight, and having to go to our separate rooms Hmm

thirdfiddle · 22/12/2021 23:58

Ask DS what they prefer. Not all couples are sleeping together straight away depending on how long they've been together; not all couples like actually /sleeping/ together even if they're sleeping together. (Married to a snorer!)
I'd have done the same at 21, but anyway, there has to be some age cut off where they are treated as adults.

BlackCatz · 22/12/2021 23:58

@Earlydancing

It's up to you. I was in my 30s and I slept separately to my boyfriend. My parents didn't feel comfortable about us being together so we weren't. Not a big deal.
That's just totally weird.
NMC2022 · 22/12/2021 23:59

They're adults! Let them share
I was allowed from 17 to share a room when a boyfriend stayed. Amount of times I had sex under my parents roof? Zero Grin
We just slept in the same bed 🤷🏽‍♀️

My mum said it seemed ridiculous that I was living with him at uni to come home and have separate rooms and it wasn't even a thought that crossed her mind

Aria2015 · 23/12/2021 00:00

My parents 'rule' was that if the relationship was serious (not casual) then sharing a room was fine (I'm taking about being in my late teens). But at your son's age, I'd 100% say they can stay together in the same room! I'd also say that if you don't let them, you may not see many more Christmas' with them as a couple! I'd have opted to stay elsewhere if I'd couldn't have slept in the same place as my boyfriend at that age and that wouldn't be because of the sex! It would be, so we could just be two consenting adults living how we usually live when away from
Family.

MarieChristmas · 23/12/2021 00:03

I was married at 24 so never had this issue but at that age I think (hope) I would trust my children. If they are bringing them to Christmas dinner, it's serious in my eyes and I would hate to be so out of touch.

merryxmasmelodies · 23/12/2021 00:05

That's weird. Has your husband got an issue with your son's sexuality?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/12/2021 00:05

I'd be ok with them in the same room, but if you're not, you're not. It's your home, and tbh I would expect my kids to indulge my wishes even if they think they're a little silly.

If you made your daughter do the same then it shouldn't be too much different for them.

However - if the reasoning is because you and your husband feel a bit weirder because it's a gay relationship, then honestly I think you should bite your tongues and let them sleep together.

Amount of times I had sex under my parents roof? Zero

Well speak for yourself, but I had absolutely loads of quiet sex in the living room before my boyfriend and I went to bed in separate rooms, and even more when we were older and allowed to share!

OwlNChips · 23/12/2021 00:05

If it was a serious relationship then I'd be ok with it I suppose. If a casual thing or met last week, then I'd say no

I happen to have a 23 year old DD who has recently bought her own place but when she lived with us and had boyfriends, I was ok with them staying over providing it wasn't for nights on end and it was a 'proper' relationship

So I probably lean more on the side of 'this is your house so you decide what goes' but also trying to be reasonable too

ldontWanna · 23/12/2021 00:08

The real issue is that you already made DD follow that rule, so you can't have double standards. At best the rule is abolished for everyone and you let both of them know.because to be fair, it's fairly ridiculously to split up couples just because they're not married.

Motherdare · 23/12/2021 00:08

DH and I slept in separate beds (separate rooms) in my parents’ house until we were married. There are very lovely people but it was done out of respect. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Couples can forgo sex for a few nights when staying with relatives surely.

Justajot · 23/12/2021 00:09

My parents went for separate beds until we graduated. Looking back on it, it seems a bit ridiculous and there was lots of creeping about in the night, so also a bit pointless. 6 months sound like quite a sensible option.

thefirstmrsrochester · 23/12/2021 00:10

They are adults in a committed relationship. Invite them into your home as such.

Megan2018 · 23/12/2021 00:10

You are completely ridiculous. What sort of person does that to another adult?!
I’m embarrassed for you!